Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This
May 11, 2012 Ok, kids, Sunday's the big day: Mom's day. You don't want to screw this up. Remember, she brought you into this world, and she can TAKE YOU RIGHT BACK OUT OF IT.
Er, so, with that in mind, let's see what you've got.
;)
This is the visual equivalent to being stabbed in the eye with a flatulent walrus.
I'm also craving Pepto Bismol.
Coincidence?
Um...
;)
I wouldn't, if I were you.
;)
I'mma let you finish, but Momma is gonna be SO PROUD of those grammar skillz.
Wouldn't this be kind of cute if it were decorated by a five-year old?
;)
And wouldn't it be soul-crushingly horrific if it were made by a fully grown adult who is somehow still gainfully employed when thousands upon thousands of intelligent laborers who actually give a crap are not?
I only ask because this was taken while still in the shopping cart, and Jaunna just took the lid off because there was a sticker in the way.
But go ahead and believe that five-year-old thing. You know, for your sanity's sake.
This next one is my favorite, because it was *supposed* to say, "It's my birthday, b*tches!"
;)
And did I mention it was ordered in March?
LOVE IT.
(Ok, when you guys are taking Mom out this afternoon, I dare you to walk into the restaurant and yell, "It's Mother's Day, B*tches!" In fact, I double dog dare you.)
But don't worry, dear Wreckies; even if you DO accidentally give Mom a wreck this weekend, you can take comfort in knowing that it's always the thought that counts:
;)
And that's just for you, Mom.
Thanks to wreckporters Holly W., Cathy S., Greta B., Jaunna S., Jo M., & Charlene for also not beating me. I really appreciate that, guys.
Reader Comments (48)
I'm woulds want to know what those little green things are on "cake" number one. Do Mom and Dady need herbal assistance to keep from beating the intrepid little offspring?
And speaking of offspring, @Sharyn I just saw your "Hey Tubes" from yesterday's comments. Brilliant!
Where, oh, where did I
leave the coffee grounds? Aha!
On bitch cake, silly!
Huffy walrus claims
"It's not flatulence, just some
borborygmus. Umphf."
Wait. How did that one cake actually make it INTO the shopping cart?!!
Okay that first cake makes me want to hurl also, it's just sickening to look at.
The second is actually quite adorable and makes me think of how children sound when they're learning new words.
The coloring on the third one makes me wonder how old it is...
Okay there is just no excuse, this "baker/decorator" should clearly be given a job that more suits their skill level - like knocking off Jackson Pollack paintings.
I LOVE that last cake, makes me think of the scene from "Mommy Dearest" - "No wire hangers ever!"
Okay, not loving but my mom never beat me with wire hangers so it's all good! :)
Sung to Bohemian Rhapsody (No, it’s NOT “Mama Said There’d Be Cakes Like This")
Is this the real cake?
Is this a travesty?
Looks like a mudslide
Bad cake for you, Momy
Open your eyes
Let out a few sighs and see
It’s just a poor cake, thanks for not beating me
Because it’s easy to, pipe it so
Letters high, letters low
Anyway the tip goes, you’ll still be woulds best, to me
Tooooo meeeeeee
Momy, it’s just a cake
Piping bag was in my hand
Squeezed it hard, and so it said
Momy,”I’m love, you Mom”
So why’d you go and throw the cake away?
Momy, oooooooooooooooo
There’s no need for you to cry
You bitches just enjoy your day, tomorrow
I’ll be gone, I’ll be gone, because good cake doesn’t matter
My favorite part of #4 is the little screaming face to the right of the random white frosting blobbies. It's like the cake knew what was coming.
Thanks, Haiku Joy! I never realized I needed to learn the word borborygmus until today. Now I'll look for an opportunity to use it in a sentence.
I'm sitting in a car dealership waiting area as my oil is being changed. Surrounded by strangers, I giggled, then almost choked (thanks, Sharyn!) Should I explain to these people what my problem is, or should I just growl, "It's Cake Wrecks, bitches!?"
BTW, I fully intend to shout, "It's Mothers' Day, Bitches" upon entering any room on Sunday. That way if any of you hear me, we can meet. That would make it an extra special Mom's
Day!
@Haiku Joy -- You got to use borborygmus! Woot!!! And the penultimate cake deserves defenestration, so it's a good vocab day for you.
I hope the grading's going well. Do you teach over the summer, or will you have a little sanity time?
OMG Sharyn! I nearly snorted my oatmeal! And raisins so do NOT snort well!
@Sharyn and Haiku joy XD XD As for these cakes D:
Sharyn, you SLAY me!!
*applauds*
...as for the cakes themselves, I am left speechless.
@Sharyn
The antepenultimate cake ain't looking too grand either, and as for the pre-antepenultimate cake . . .
Grading's complete! Now I just get to deal with the emails from the disillusioned. I do get a two-week break before I start teaching summer school, which is its own ball of earwax.
That first one is a wee bit "ick".
Good thing there's always Jen's superb writing, Haiku Joy's Language Arts lesson, and Sharyn's most excellent song parodies to get me through the day.
Thank you, Ladies!
I'll be working as hostess at a small, upscale restaurant for Mother's Day. I really, really hope someone follows your advice on wreck #5. I've even emailed that excerpt to the chef, so she'll be prepared.
Kudos to whoever ordered the last cake. That is genius!
At Sharyn, priceless, fit for a "Killer Queen Bitch". As for the "Bitches" cake ordered in March, I believe in Great Britain (& perhaps Australia, New Zealand etc) Mothers Day is celebrated in March
I hope my family gets me a cake that says, "It's Mother's Day Bitches!"
@Haiku Joy -- "Emails from the Disillusioned" would be a great name for a book, or a blog. (Names could be changed to protect the incoherent -- Oops, I meant "innocent.")
#1 How do you get that particular shade of off-green? Wait -- I don't want to know. Really.
#2 I call phone order. (Get it? It just worked out that way, seriously.) I thought people swallowed their r's like that only in Britcoms.
#3 Maybe this cake is for Mary, but the wreckerator misunderstood and used the contraction (and left out key punctuation): "I AM. Love you, Mom!" Or, "I am love, you Mom!" Though that one sounds a tad harsh.
#4 I concur completely with Jen's question. How this one wound up in the cart: The bakery department has a strict 'no cameras' policy (I think we can guess why). Workaround: "I'll take that one." In the cart it goes. Off to the back of the store, snap-snap, back to the bakery counter. "You know, I think I'll get something else, instead. Here ya go." Simpler cart theory: It is a chocolate-chip cookie, after all. You don't eat the message. Well, you do, but...never mind.
#5 Maybe this one was ordered by a dog breeder. Is that message written on a slice of cheese?
#6 Finally, a heartfelt, personal message from wreckerators everywhere.
@Sharyn- you ROCK, sista!
I'm so totally going to yell "It's Mother's Day, B*tches!" on Sunday. Unfortunately, I will have to do it on facebook. (aaaawwwww.)
;)
The gauntlet has been thrown!
If we fulfill the double-dog-dare and send you the video, will you make a montage and post it here?
It looks like the last cake is being held by a gloved hand (the decorator?) for the photo.
I can't understand how the piping and flowers could be so good and the "penmanship" so bad.
At any rate, someone needs to be beaten.
Could the first cake have actually been from a Babylon 5 fan who just really liked Lennier (Bill Mumy's role)? No? Then I got nothing. I guess they should just write out the inscription first on a piece of paper to practice. That's what I do. C'mon, people, it's not rocket surgery (and yes, that was a joke.)
More love for the Museum of Mashed Yams!
Our Mothers Day IS in March!
Ok it's Mothering Sunday but it's been around a lot longer than International Mothers Day
Thanks to all the b*tches making this post more hilarious than it should be. Hoppy momys day to all. I actually snorted reading several comments.
Okay, in defense of the one that appears to be done by the five year old. I can't totally call shenanigans on it because I don't know who submitted it, or the true story behind it....but at the small grocery store I work at...around Mothers Day, we have tables in the bakery section where kids can come in and decorate a cookie cake or traditional cake for their mother. We then put the lid, complete with price on it, and they purchase at the register. I don't want to be a buzzkill, and maybe it is indeed for my own sanity, but I sorta lean towards this having been actually decorated by a child.
@Sharyn, I actually did sing that! Masterful!
These cakes... Not so masterful. I am going to keep telling myself that the cookie cake WAS decorated by a five year old, otherwise I fear my brain will explode from the horror and that would be messy.
"This is the visual equivalent to being stabbed in the eye with a flatulent walrus."
Best. Sentence. Ever.
"I see a little silhouette of a man . . ." comes to mind as that may be who butchered the Mother's Day cakes, cause he just wants to be a MOTHER!!!!!
Cake 3 seems to have been drinking. lol Tries to spell mom but kinda ended up m-o-blob-m lol
Are these cakes REALLY purchased from bakeries? I definitely want to know. If they are, why would they EVER be accepted by the customer?
Yay, my submission made it! I found that gem at my local Safeway last year, and there were several cakes with the same wording. *smh*
The second one looks like it has shark's teeth all around it. Love the last one though.
Lol I kinda liked the It's Mother's Day *censored*. Just so I don't get into trouble I bleeped myself so there :). Though if I yelled that out around my parents I suspect I would be running far far away from the angry parents. Boy you never wanna see my dad get mad. That last cake.. I am sure mom would appreciate it. Cannot stop the laughing.
My mother would probably deserve a cake like the last one because I am sure that I deserved a couple beatings AT LEAST when I was growing up. lol The cookie cake with the Horrible handing writing, I would have been ashamed to even have put in my shopping cart. But then maybe someone was buying at the last minute, or maybe just maybe the the cake decorator let said five year old decorate their own cookie cake. That first one made me want to run for the trash can before I lost my supper.
Girl, you KNOW if I still had a Mom, I SWEAR to Bowie, I would SO yell that. In fact, I think I'll steal my friend's Mom on Sunday, JUST so I can. (She's used to it; I usually announce my arrival in some sort of similar Jason Mewes-like fashion ;)
Off topic but of utmost importance:
Today (it's Saturday as I type this, even though it's on Friday's post) is Jen's Birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!!!
Have a super-wonderful day!
"This is the visual equivalent to being stabbed in the eye with a flatulent walrus."
Best line ever!
I'm totally going to steal that line (but not that cake) sometime.
Now that I think about it, I DO owe my Mom a "Thanks for not beating me" cake.
I think the first cake is a German chocolate cake. I hope it is anyways, or someone used some really nasty stuff to frost that cake!
Happy Birthday, Jen!
Well, in fairness, Mothering Sunday (the one us Brits celebrate) was on the 18th March this year, so maybe the "It's Mother's Day Bitches" cake should have been sent to England and thus not wasted! :D
Now I'm extra sad that I'm going to be away for Mother's Day. If I was going to be home I would so get the "Thanks For Not Beating Me" cake for my mom! :)
Sto lat and many happy returns!
Happy Bday to Jen and Happy Mother's day to all who celebrate it this weekend.
Thanks for the Bill Cosby reference too. :)
What makes the last one even weirder is that the last two words are in all caps, yet there is no exclamation point...
"Thanks for not Beating Me" OMG Laugh so hard I started crying!!