Pucker Up, St. Patrick!
March 16, 2012 ;)
Friends, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, and that means you're going to be facing down a drunken horde wearing funny green hats and demanding that you kiss them. [KISS ME]
But I'm here to help. [KISS ME NOW!]
First, you should know that alcohol has a way of reducing inhibitions, and also that Oscar here may have sniffed a little too much finger paint yesterday:
;)
"Let's get trashed!!"
Second, just because a person is Irish doesn't mean you have to kiss them.
;)
I'm getting some mixed signals here, to be honest.
Hey, this is a free country! You can kiss any one or any thing you want! Still, there are a few red flags to watch for when deciding whether or not someone is worthy of the ol' lip lock.
Things like...
Noticeable drool:
;)
"The claaaawww."
Excessive, creepy staring:
;)
"Your hide will make a fine poncho!"
Excessive, creepy tongue:
;)
"Yiiiiipth yipth yipth yipth yipth yipth..."
Now let's run through a quick role-playing exercise, so I can show you how to gracefully escape any awkward kissing-negotiation situation:
Hopeful Would-Be Kisser:
;)
"Well hello there." [eyebrow waggle] "As you can see by my funny green hat and pipe, I am obviously Irish! So you have to kiss me!"
[puckering up and leaning in]
Unenthusiastic Kiss Avoidee:
;)
[ **** ]
Newly Unnerved Would-Be Kisser:
;)
"Oh...uh...I say! Look at that thing over there that I have to go attend to immediately! Er...nice... meeting you?"
See? Works every time! And this is a fool-proof strategy, because it places you squarely in the "excessive creepy staring" category, which no one wants to tangle with.
Just be careful you don't take it too far:
;)
On the plus side, he won every staring contest. Consecutively.
Thanks to Renee B., Kristen S., Meredith B., Darice & Sean, Anony M., Chris, Pamela H., June S., & Jaycee for the lucky break.
Reader Comments (68)
Hmmm. I have some leftover, unfrosted cakes in the freezer from Valentine's day. What to do??? I know, I will decorate them to look like creepy leprachauns and sell them for St. Patrick's day. Perfect!
Ugh, the excessive tongue one will stick with me -thanks. D:
Help, please! The little blobby messes must be a THING right? I mean, otherwise, why would so many wreckerators make them? Why??
What is that thing? Women and children screaming: "My God What is that THING???"
I, too, am wondering how three different bakeries came up with green, bell-shaped creatures that rather resemble Slimer from Ghostbusters to represent St. Patrick's Day? I mean... Couldn't we just to snakes... like, running away?
I have to admit I found the first one cute. But those "yipth" bird things look like they are throwing up.
I think the monster/frog/green thumb thing is kinda cute.
I knew about leprechauns, but I didn't know Slimer was a symbol of St. Patrick's Day.
I dunno about leprechauns, but the "blobby green things" look like perverted cookie monsters.
I'm with Tricia. Why is the slimer from GhostBusters a St. Pat's thing? The first one was a marvelous GhostBusters cake, but I cannot comprehend why it's a St. Pat's cake. Or why there are others. Drooling, tongue-wagging, others.
Yipth-yipth feeding time -
Maternal baker supplies
Regurgitation.
This is the funniest yet!! (But maybe I'm biased because I'm Irish!) I am crying with laughter. Thank you so much!!
YOUR HIDE WILL MAKE A FINE PONCHO?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow. I really don't know whether to run screaming from these nightmare-inducing horrors or hide in a dark closet and weep quietly. Either way, I'll avoid the kissing!
I love the Muppet/Sesame Street references! (yip, yip,yip)
I find it unsettling that with just a little change in the eyebrows and mouth of the two butt-faced (heart) leprachauns, they look totally different, yet still very creepy.
"Basic Instructions" link FTW.
I thought the leprechaun was hiding behind the scary thing in cake #8, then I realized cake #8 was the leprechaun! Yikes.
Kiss me, I'm scared of Irish cakes.
Oh my goodness, I've got tears streaming down my face from laughing! (or rather, from shaking with suppressed laughter so as not to disrupt the coworkers). Loving it!
Also, to Haiku Joy, you've outdone yourself today ;)
Star-crossed leprechaun,
what makes your blue eyes blue? Your
nose like an inchworm?
"Toy Story" AND "The Muppet Show" references in ONE POST... Jen, YOU ROCK!!!
I guess tongues causes the Yipth, Yipth lisp?
http://youtu.be/4qxWGr8VhzQ
http://youtu.be/7fQaj31Wtko
http://youtu.be/hgEJZ1dFCog
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yip_Yips
Trippy-tongued, drug-eyed
groupies: with Gems like these, who
needs the seventies?
Why are the slugs from "Flushed Away" on cakes for St. Patrick's Day?
I read the comments hoping to know what the green blobby deals were. Am I on the backside of some crazy trend? Someone needs to enlighten the masses!
Yikes. That rainbow looks like it was made from modeling clay.
Bakers will do anything to use those heart shaped cake pans. Also, I have never been embarassed to be Irish before but I am now.
The leprechaun faces on the heart cakes look like Amish men with green hats. Which does *not* make them any more kissable.
xD I laughed so hard at "the claaaaaw"
That was probably my favorite wreck post ever :D
Thanks Jen for lots of laughs!
@Haiku Joy: Nice one 8D
Love, love, love the shoutout to Basic Instructions on cake 5!
I'm sure it was unintentional, but I have to admit, trashed Oscar makes me laugh. I'd buy him.
Thanks commenter for the awesome band name "The Perverted Cookie Monsters" I can imagine our first hit...
Yip Yip Yip Yip Yip....
Pi-ping Ba-ag! Pi-ping Ba-ag!
Yip Yip Yip Yip Yip....
The cakes for the would be kisser reminded me of the Jenna Marbles YouTube video "How to Avoid Talking to People You Don't Want to Talk to" - you give them the Face!
This post provided some much-needed laughs... thanks, Jen! :)
Haiku Joy is on a roll!!!
I, for one, am happily mesmerized by the little "Gems".
LOVE the Yip Yip goodies! Bwahahahah
Is it just me or does the eighth one look like he was made from using one of those play dough toys that you stick the play dough and and push down? And my personal favorite is the creepy tongues. lol I mean what is that suppose to be anyway?
Gusts of pure luck
blow green fleas off of Oscar.
Whoosh! And his hat, too!
Those green blobby things are cupcake "frogs". Apparently they are a revival of some kind of nostalgic bakery concoction from years past. http://followyourfrog.com/evolution.html
I think they are kind of cute (if done right).
I think the 'pipe face' ones were leftover from Valentines day. I can imagine the conversation at the bakery now:
'Boss, those valentines cakes are going a bit green...want me to bin them?'
'No, No, never bin good cake.'
'Well what should we do, boss?'
'Green? hmmm' *thinking furiously*
'Got it kid, make it a St. Patrick's day cake. No-one will see the green and they'll all be too drunk to taste the mould.'
'You sure boss?'
'Do it, Kid, DO IT NOW!!' *evil laughter*
At least that's what I hope happened, because if not, those are some fugly cakes!!
So, I'm the only one who sees beaks instead of tongues for the "yipth yipth" cakes? They're little birds... probably still no kissing there, but they're not as bad as some of the other truly scary ones.
OMGG are those frogs!!!???? And what ARE those things with the tongues!?
The "yipth" monsters remind me of a character from Sesame Street (possibly only on the Canadian version) of aliens with mouths that flapped... can't remember what they're called, or if I'm just being delusional in trying to make sense of them.
St. Patrick would be crying into his green beer over these wrecks!
I loved the excessive creepy tongue ones! I would totally buy the one right in the middle.
That rainbow on the 3rd cake looks like it was made upside down - maybe it was I don't know- but I have never seen a rainbow with colors in THAT order!
He won so many staring competitions that his eyes are now bleeding...
(Hey, mystiqueallie, I took those sound effects to be what those dudes from Sesame Street say!...yipyipyip...ahaw ahaw...)
#1 I'm glad -- in a not-at-all sort of way -- that the Mucinex monster* has branched out from hideous TV commercials and now infests cakes as well.
*Awaiting enlightenment as to what his name might be.
#3 The wreckerator had some violet Play-Doh, but not indigo. Yor B. Gvi won't like that.
Really? Is rainbow order so difficult? Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple! Sorry.. pet peeve...ROYGBP people UNITE!
This blog is FANTASTIC! I love it! But I need some help finding a previous post. Can someone tell me the title of the post with the Titanic theme song lyrics rewritten to match the wrecks? I want to sing it & show the pictures for a comedy talent show but I can't find the post! Please help! Thank you!
Please, Wreckerator, pipe that last guy some eyelids! For the love of frosting, let him BLINK!
I think the last one is a lepre-clown.