Slights of the Season
December 17, 2012 This is my absolute favorite time of year to write for Cake Wrecks. That makes it hard, of course, when John is begging me to please just run some "best-of" posts so we can get a few days off to spend with family this week, but, c'mon. Like I'm supposed to just NOT post this Santa cake:
;)
My, Santa, what big scary eyes your mustache has.
Yes, those ARE plastic eyebrows, and they're upside down. But thank goodness the baker didn't have to pipe the eyes and mustache herself, because THIS is soooo much better. Reeeeally. (No, I mean really really. Do you see that "nose?" YIKES.)
And who says it's too early for Easter eggs?
;)
NOT ME!
(Actually, if you just think of this as a belly cake for a baby shower, except instead of a baby it's all Santa fat in there, then it's deeply, deeply disturbing.)
In fact, I love this next Christmas egg so much that I want to commission someone to make me a plush version of it. Then I'll put the plush in a box, and put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives? AHAHAHAHAA! I'll... hug him and squeeze him and call him George!
;)
It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!!
Seriously, though, doesn't George looks like a snow-thug who's just lost a fist fight?
And we know he lost because - say it with me, now - BIG HEAD LITTLE ARMS!
This will never not make me laugh like a fool.
Hm. You know you've had a leeedle too much eggnog when you reference THREE separate cartoons for one wreck. Sorry. And to those of you who got all three references: the next glass is on me.
(No, I mean literally - eggnog also makes me clumsy.)
Sooo....
I don't really know how to get myself out of this literary hole I've just dug, so I'm going to try something SHOCKING.
;)
Yeah, B*TCH*S!
Granted, I don't know what hip new curse word this is, but I'm guessing it's roughly equivalent to rocking out with your chicken out.
Speaking of which...
;)
"Hey, baby, I got yer Christmas 'special' RIGHT HERE."
Oh, whoops. Sorry, Frosty; I, uh, didn't see you there.
;)
...and I think your nose fell off.
Maybe I should wrap this up before things get even more out of hand. So allow me to wish you ALL...
;)
...the best of luck in deciphering this.
Thanks to John, Denis S., Lizz, Sarah D., Alison L., Shell, & Laura P. for reminding us of the true meaning of sprinkles: to cover up spelling mistakes and bad handwriting.
***********
This year we're condensing our Charity Countdown into two charities: charity: water and Give Kids The World. Though I loved featuring 12 unique charities in our previous countdowns, it required a huge amount of work from three to four people over several weeks to set up each year, and for severely dwindling interest and participation. I'm hoping that by focusing on only two, we'll be able to make a larger impact as a group on these fantastic organizations.
Give Kids The World provides children with life-threatening illnesses and their families truly magical experiences at the Give Kids The World Village, a 70-acre Orlando resort specifically designed for children with special needs.
And thanks to charity:water and you readers, there are now several more village wells in Africa providing clean water to hundreds of people - and one of those wells has a sign that proudly credits "Cake Wreeks."
;)
And the only way that could possibly be more perfect is if there were even more of them. (Wells, I mean, not misspelled signs.)
So please consider taking a moment to give to these organizations, and to spread a little goodwill towards those in need this season.
Click here to give to Give Kids The World and here to give to charity:water.
Reader Comments (86)
Very funny wrecks, and good charities. Might I also recommend fisherhouse.org for military families, heifer.org for hunger.
Thanks for a good laugh on a tough day (I got your tough day right here!) keep up the great work and let it swon!
Happy Hailday to you too!
And when did "Swan" turn into a durty wurd?
Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N
Oh, the Santa egg’s quite alarming,
I think Frosty’s just disarming.
(Not the Frosty egg, that’s a sin.)
Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N
A penis is not a stocking
But it’s really not as shocking
As a Santa with eyebrow chin.
Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N
If I ever learn how to read
The last cake, I might win me a prize.
But for now I’ll just take a rest.
The effort is hurting my eyes.
Now, Jen you should take a vacation,
With the blessing of Cake Wreck Nation.
Let your holiday rest begin.
Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N, Let it SW*N
I love how "Happy Houday" doesn't seem to be sure what it's supposed to be covering. I mean, those are fall colors, so it could mean everything from Thanksgiving on, but why the singular then?
Sung to “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas”
Have a holly, jolly Cake Wreck
They’re the best cakes of the year
You don’t know where eyebrows go?
Just slap them on right here.
Have a holly, jolly egg cake
Santa’s belly you can eat
Say “hello” to Snow Thug George
He’s knocked out in the street
Oh, ho, just let it Sw*n
Someone’s hung, I see (eyebrow wiggle)
Snowman just lost his nose
Stick it on for me!
Have a Happy Hauday Cake Wreck
That’s what you wrote out, I fear
Oh, by golly have a holly
Jolly Cake Wreck this year!
1. Mr Potato Santa!
2. Must be a dino egg that the brilliant people who've never seen a hatching are preventing from hatching by putting a belt over.
3. The Newspaper Egg cartoon gone rogue - soon it will eggsact revenge!
4. Swan is a bad word now?
5. Gangrene is not a reason to celebrate with cake... or is it?
6. Frosty the Snowman.. got a sex change for the holidays and wants everyone to know it
7. Sprinkles, yes moar sprinkles, that will totally hide the fact that we chose that colour icing
After scrolling through the news this morning, I needed this post. Thank you.
And sure, charity: water will get my dollars. Proud to say I donated to the original well. (Wells?) Give kids the world got some money from me the previous years, but I already have a beloved children's charity.
I will send the picture of the squashed penguin cupcakes I found last week. Honest, they were selling them that way.
Thank you for referencing one of my favorite Disney movies. Kudos(or should I say Kuzco) to you, Jen, you are awesome. LLAMA!
@SuBee: Great song! Can I play the cowbell part this time? (You'll be busy conducting...)
"Cake Wreecks"? If that wasn't intentional, it's the most fitting coincidence ever.
Sharyn and suebee bwahahahaha XD XD XD
Gave what I could to Charity: Water - I always make sure to give during your charity drive. Thanks for reminding us to care for others! And for poor frosty's dislocated nose :)
That last picture is definitely an example of "if you don't know what you are doing, do it really fast & with lots of enthusiasm".
Sharyn, I fractured my elbow last week and can no longer conduct!!!
Please, please take over my conducting duties so I can devote my talents to singing.
These cakes deserve my singing!
I'm sure Mel won't mind filling in on cowbell.
Two wonderful charities, highly rated for their fiscal responsibility. Thank you, Cake Wrecks, for spreading some charitable cheer this holiday season!
Anyone else thinking, "I'm just glad they didn't use the babyshower belly cake form with the BOOBS for the Santa belly cake"??
Fallen carrot makes me giggle.
Sooo, to be a great composer like Sharyn, I just need to fracture my elbow like SuBee, huh?! And they say practicing the martial arts is dangerous! ;-)
PS Cowbell?! I'll stick with my Tibetian bells, thank you... ;-)
Heehee *gigglesnort* ahahaha *snerk* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*thud*
...I think that last cake only says "Happy Hoildays" - quite a disappointing amateur mistake, that. How I got that out of the mess of sprinkles I'm not entirely sure, but perhaps it has something to do with the fact I've not had any caffeine yet!
Funniest post ever, well, ever since the last one! Heppe Chrstmoos!
Haha this is hilarious!! :D The snowman w/o nose...I lost it to tears on that one. And I love that Cake WrEEcks supports Charity Water! They rock! :D
I can't even get over how hysterically funny you are. AND the movie quotes. ugh, I knew the box one, but I had to look it up, I just couldn't dig it out of my head. YZMA! Of course. And Frosty's nose fell off. Oh, man!
You know who could make your squishy plush snowman egg cake dreams come true? Squishable: http://www.squishable.com/ Seriously, I have a friend with a web comic and he has done custom Squishables with them and sold them as merch... Just sayin'... :)
For the record, if I ever meet y'all in person, I'm totally taking you up on that glass of eggnog...only because I usually catch most of your references and jokes, so I'm super stoked I got all three in the same wreck so quickly (and there was a conditional reward attached). Heck, I may just treat myself to a nice little glass of eggnog after work (I definitely see some benefits to working from home).
OMG- That too is my most favorite clip EVER! My children and I quote it all of the time!!! :) Yeah- I got your 'Suprise' right here Baby!! :)
The fact that you quoted my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon makes this post extra fun to read! Thanks for supporting some great charities, too!
*digs through her fabric box to see if she has enough felt to make the plushy of Jen's dreams...
Jen--I crochet. Just sayin' ;)
"Cake Wreeks"? How appropriate! I laughed pretty hard at that one.
A Cakewrecks reference to The Emperor's New Groove? Jen, you have my undying devotion. It's the funniest animated movie of all time.
SuBee: You fractured your elbow? Of course I'll conduct -- we'll get you one of those harmonica holders so you can play hands free. Or we'll team you up w/ Jodee in WA (broken foot) and together the two of you can play a drum set. Between you guys and Jen's nog-related blackouts, Cake Wrecks may be dangerous this time of year...
Mel: Won't you play cowbell tonight?
I guess marshmallows are good for making noses on Santa. It must have been fitting for those plastic eyes and mustache.
Do you know the joke about the pirate's eye patch?
Two pirates meet after many years of not seeing each other. The first speaks..."Bill, My God, where did you get that wooden leg?"
"Well I lost it when a shark came and bit it right off."
"My God Bill, how did you get that hook for a hand?"
"Well I was pullin' in the anchor and the rope caught, twisted around me hand and yanked it clean off."
"My Goodness Bill and that patch over yer eye.. How did that happen?"
"Well, I was sitting in the crows nest and a seagull came and it pooped in me eye."
"But Bill, seagull poop won't take out your eye!"
"Aye, your right but I forgot about me hook!"
That's what I thought of when I saw that last snowman! He has orange on his hand! He forgot his nose was frosting, and had an itch.
And SuBee! I broke the bone right above my elbow back in August! Hope you heal easily and quickly.
The first thing I thought with the first Santa cake was "Why are they using Oobi eyes on a cake?" (Don't know if he's still on, I think he was on PBS Kids a few years ago).
There are companies who can make a plushie from the picture of the mangled Snowman cake (or any cake really...scary thought huh?) http://www.childsown.com/ has some really nifty examples posted of children's drawings made into plushies.
The last one I thought said "Happy Monday"...who would want to celebrate THAT with cake? (Unless it's my friend who today is her first day of retirement...then you can say "Happy Monday...you don't have to work anymore!"
The Emperor's New Groove and Meet the Robinsons are two of my all-time favorite Disney films and they both appear in the same post! It's like Cake Wrecks is giving me a Christmas present! Love it!!
I'm so glad you're giving to Give Kids The World! We have three Make A Wish kids and Give Kids The World gave our family SO much hope!!!!
YES!!! I was gonna ask to play the spoons but drums with SuBee is even better!!!
I got all the references too!!! I once had a cat that was ginormously pregnant but only had 1 HUGE kitten. I'm thinking that's the equivalent to giving birth to a 6 month old. I hugged him and squeezed him and called him George :)
And I heard Joey Tribiani's voice with the ummm... sock CCC.
Cake Wreeks...excuse me; I have something in my eye.
That sixth cake just proves what all stores know at this time of year...Santa's big business. And speaking of that...at least Frosty is keeping his nose in his own business....
@SuBee and Sharyn: rockin' good songs!! And I'd be delighted to play cowbell in the band...I have an advanced music degree from Collegiate Respository of Applied Cowbell (C.R.A.P.) and have been happily spreading CRAP for years! (Also, I play the radio and have, on occasion, been called upon to play the shoe horn...but only after I get my foot in the door.)
@Jen: I second SuBee's proposal -- please take some time off -- we do not want a repeat of the time you almost closed down the site...you and john (thoj) are an irreplaceable treasure and a necessary element in holding the world together through the daily application of unsurpassable humor (no pressure there....).
Also, thank you for the charity recommendations.
Thank you for this blog post. It's the first time I've laughed in days. (We live not far from Newtown, and I've been in desperate need of a little holiday cheer.)
It almost never sw*ns down here. I'm not at all sad about this.
re the Christmas "special" - can I suggest a visit to the clinic to pick up a hefty dose of antibiotics, that green doesn't look healthy
If they reversed the colors on Santa's nose, it would look like a giant furuncle.
I think I would rather smash it with a hammer...
Um, I don't think that it's so much 'dwindling interest' as it is 'dwindling income' that people can't give to charities as much as they used to. Please don't make assumptions.
[Editor's note- Hi Sue. I would tend to agree with you about the dwindling income except that the first year we did this was in 2009 which was a very, very bad year for a lot of people. Yet we still raised about $100,000 for charity which was awesome. Each year since then, the donations have tapered off which seems to indicate a lack of enthusiasm for the charity drive. That said, we are incredibly grateful to those who are able to give and we completely understand if your own financial situation doesn't allow it. Please have a merry Christmas. -john]
Happy Hoildays!
*humming Kronk's theme song*
#1 The hexagonal shape raises the CCC alert level. The 'clever' use of marshmallow and the re-purposed flotsam (to say nothing of how the 'hat' hides the frosting dig at the top -- or doesn't, as the case may be) make this look 'semi-homemade'.
#2 A nice, thick ribbon of black frosting. Mmmm. Wreckerator's spouse is a gastroenterologist with a new office in town, you say? What a surprise.
#3 Especially with what could be a string trailing off to the right, 'Frosty' looks like he's sporting an eye patch. "Shiver me timbers!"
Memo to bakers: Use every pan in the inventory at least once during this season. Because I said so, that's why. Happy Hoilday, The Management
#4 How can anyone not like this? A CCC with blue frosting (dyed to match the decor) and a new word for us to puzzle over! 'W' and 'N' both have diagonal lines, so just maybe that has nothing at all to do with how this happened.
#5 This CCC is brought to you by the letter 'J'. For the (Earth's population - 4) who saw something else: If blue is a problem, green has to be WAY worse.
#6 Note the orange smears on the way down. This, of course, tells us that Frosty's nose was running.
#7 Nothing says 'Happy Hoilday' like a CCC. Patooie.
I started bouncing in my seat when I began reading the Emperor's New Groove quote. Pretty much my favorite movie...ever.
Zowie... the stockings WERE hung, weren't they?