Friday
May202011
Artsy Fartsy
May 20, 2011 [adjusting bow tie] "Welcome, gentle beings, to the grand opening of SplüüRff.
[faint applause]
"All of our works here tonight have been created by world-renowned artists, and are available for sale for far more than you can possibly afford. So, let's begin."Our first piece was painted by Japanese artist Noh Wei using traditional oils. Her inspiration was taken from the ocean, mother earth, and the organic nature of the gore splatters in Bikini Slasher Kill Zone 4: Revenge of the Waxers"
"It sells for $490,000."Our next piece comes from Swedish craftsman Joques Onyu. Joques spent three years in isolation to focus on this masterpiece, during which time he subsisted solely on prune juice and Ranch flavored Bugles."
"It sells for $893,000."The much lauded Yuki Grohs is known for her daring and unconventional techniques. This piece, for example, was constructed using squeeze mayo while the artist was blindfolded and spinning around on a wheelie office chair."
"It sells for $10 million."Another avant-garde darling of the art world, the 'Do' Dude uses his trademark combination of gold leaf and 'personal bodily secretions' to both shock and intrigue viewers."
"This mixed-media masterpiece sells for 11.2 million."Please feel free to browse the rest of our gallery, where you'll find even more distinguished masterworks, such as:
'Summer Daisies for Janet'$7.5 million
'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair'$27.5 million
'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez'$17.5 million
'Texas'$6.66 million
"And, of course, our most coveted new piece...
'Coffee Cake with Icing'$6.00
Thanks to wreckporters Christie R., Aimee W., Alyssa H., Holly L., Laura M., Christy S., Liz C., Anita M., & Stephanie F. for the art attacks.
Reader Comments (141)
Apparently, I'm not the first to say this, but it was the first thought that popped into my mind.
Fezzes are cool. (Stetsons, also.)
Oh, CW Team! Today's post was so great! Love!
I think these cakes are the result of "Take Your Child To Work Day". Okay, I hope they are....?
In defense of Almond Roca....okay there's no defense. Wrapped, unwrapped; they look like poo. Heavenly, delicious piles of stale...*hurk* Oh, good. I no longer crave candy....of any kind. Or cake...or anything chocolatey....*hurk*
I now have a strange desire to play Q-Bert. Or Tetris.
Finally: Liar! Liaaaar! That is not a coffee cake with icing! We all know it's Royal heritage!
Andrea
Fezzes are cool
Well, this was just waaaay too funny today -- on so many levels...you've out done yourselves, and thank you for that! It's taken me 30 minutes to stop laughing enough to be able to comment...
These cakes are priceless (well, actually you've priced them....)and the comments even more so!
That second cake...maybe it's me, but I think it's a little suggestive...well, actually, a lot suggestive...nah, it's downright dirty.... And the last cake looks like something that if you see on you...or from you, should make you call your doctor immediately....
wv - puzzath: what pseudo-high-art cakes have...
I was going to complain about how the Japanese name looks Chinese or Korean and the Swedish name French. Then I understood No Way and Yucky Gross. Joques Onyu is still a mystery to me. Anyone wanna help the non-native English speaker?
WV: cyclami. I don't have the language skills to see what it might mean, but it looks like a word in some language.
Anu,
Jokes on you.
I didn't get it at first either.
john
Satanic Texas Quilt Cookie FTW!
I have ALWAYS wanted a cake with gold leafed poo on it. it just says "classy!" how wonderful to know that some talented baker can do that!!!!
ahh, let your "artistic" side fly. Gods help us.
'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair' would be a great band name. Just sayin'.
Oh yeah, and "mixed media"? Hilarious!
Yes, Common Nonsense,they are Almond Roca. One of my very favorite candies, which I ask for every Christmas, but never get...
My late husband used to refer to them as "cat turds" since without the golden wrappers they are even worse, they are brown and rolled in crushed nuts ala cat litter!
To think someone might have bought these!
(On the "Your" issue...we saw a pack of invitations at a huge party store the other day. "Your invited to..." You would think a printer would have a spell check, if not the baker!
@Anu - from a native American-speaker (hate to call it English)- I did not get the "yucky gross"! I could not make my brain stop pronouncing the first name "yoo-ky". Thank you for clearing that up!
Art attacks, indeed. I laughed so hard I ended up sort of choking, especially when I came to "'Texas' $6.66 million". And I'm sitting here in my office deep in the heart of Texas writing this comment - the humor is definitely NOT wearing off- it's getting better!
Ooooh, Rorshach cakes! :-)
What do you see?
Wonderful commentary -- love the names.
I loved fezzes long before Dr. Who. I am the coolest.
Oh, and the gilded poo/almond roca made me think of stuffed grape leaves. Wouldn't gilded dolmathakia be fabulous on a cake?
No?
OK.
Isn't it fun to say "gilded dolmathakia," though?
As an artist who has dedicated my life to creating works to challenge the ignorant, I am not surprised by your hateful comments. Not everyone can be open minded enough to open their minds in an open way to the true beauty hidden in these works. These "cakes,"as you call them, are a true and honest representation of the multi-cultural, inter-faith, chocolate-covered, beauty that can be found within each and every one of us. Your comments can only be a result of self loathing. I'd loathe you all, too, but I'm too open minded and gifted for that.
Anonymous @ 11:20:
Seconding John. It's also known as a 'running gag'. Seriously.
And of course, the alternate title for many of these pieces would be "Using up the last icing in the bag because why waste any?"
SuBee,
[Slow clap]
john
Dear God! Someone please call the EPA! That last cake has a horrible case of BLACK MOLD!!!!
ACK! I meant "its" Royal heritage. Maybe I should take up cake decorating....
Andrea
Wicked awesome. I swear you could shellac those and give them to MOMA in New York and they would hang them. Trust me I was an art major. There are Modern artists that do that shite all the time.
wv: unograme - What you call Uno after have one too many. "Hey get out that Uno Grame, man, I wanna play."
I would like to purchase 'Texas' please, but I feel we need to negotiate the price a bit. I just feel like we can skim a cool million off.
Thanks!
Ava :)
SuBee (12:57)....O...M...G....best comment of the day. Made me literally snort when I laughed.
On another note, in regards to the Almond Roca--Anyone else not able to eat Almond Roca because a co-worker once referred to it as cat poo rolled in kitty litter?.......
No? Just me?.....
Okay, never mind. (skulking away)
It just keeps getting better! I don't know which is funnier- SuBee's comment, or John's response.
Kudos all around! Bravo! Brava!
OMG I laughed SO hard at the titles you gave those "masterpieces". I snorted.
the comments are equally good. I can't stop snickering!!!
Man, I nearly died when I saw the Texas one! I seriously almost fell over laughing! SO FUNNY!!! The entire post today was just absolutely hilarious!
But...I LIKE grilled cheese...
Loved the Texas joke. Keep 'em comin'.
-A Texan.
(A Dallasite, no-less - I live in the very city that nearly caused your demise!)
i think you may have outdone yourself with this post!
The first thing I thought of when I saw the second cake was tapeworms... which made me think of Flukeman from X-Files... And given Flukeman's obsession with toilets and sewage, you'd think he'd love the golden poo cake.... There's got to be a joke somewhere that can tie all of these together but I can't quite think of one :)
i wear a fez now. fezzes are cool.
So funny!
WV: Matess: On Gollum's visit to Australia he learned a new phrase: "G'day Matess!"
Ranch flavored bugles made me choke on the moon pie I was eating, and Grilled Cheese Electric Chair made me spit it out all over my keyboard. A novice CW reader mistake, I know, but would it be ok if I give my IT guy your number? I don't think he's gonna understand why I need a new keyboard unless he speaks to you directly.
The final cake is a fitting tribute to that seminal art film - Disney's "The Black Hole."
Wow! The "coffee cake with icing" must be frosted with used espresso grounds? Sheesh!
'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez' reminds me of "Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one summer morning". And would probably have a rather similar effect to Vogon poetry, actually... ;-)
WV: hyleelv - the squeal one makes while strapped into a Vogon Poetry Appreciation Chair
hahahahah! This one made me LOL here at work :)
xoxo!
Anonymous said...
>>
The first thing I thought of when I saw the second cake was tapeworms... which made me think of Flukeman from X-Files... And given Flukeman's obsession with toilets and sewage, you'd think he'd love the golden poo cake.... There's got to be a joke somewhere that can tie all of these together but I can't quite think of one :)<<
The joke is out there.
I want to believe.
Thanks to the CW team and (most of) the comment-taters for the laughs. Laughs help.
I plan to eat Almond Roca while wearing a fez. In *Texas*, where the humor never wears off (which ought to be the new slogan of the Texas tourism bureau). Because America.
@Katherine S: Could be. I detect signs of deep-frying as well, but I have another theory, to which I will get.
Prints of most of these can be found in a collection compiled by art historian W.T.F. Izzit, a pseudonym he took on hearing most people's reaction to modern 'art'.
Note in passing: @SuBee, I second John's... er, that is, I agree with his response.
#4 (not slacking, just short on time): Doesn't look sanitary, even apart from the resemblance.
#5 Ah, the bygone fads of yesterday: cakes that make some kind of sense, food safety... I have seen these berries (?) on ornamental plants and always assumed they were poisonous. Maybe embedding them in frosting makes them safe to eat. Yeah, that's the ticket!
#6 The ever-popular cake-blot test. Does it mean 'therapy needed' if you can tell what it is or if you cannot? I can't keep that straight.
#8 It does look like Texas.
#9 Needs beads and some (literal) gold leaf. Maybe grab those off #4. In the interest of truth-in-labeling, I would have crossed out 'icing' and written 'mold'.
wv: hated. Ya can't make this stuff up.
Ok, first of all, I nearly peed myself I was laughing so hard. Joques Onyu... OMG. However, I think that Do Dude was using Almond Roccas... which in no way forgives the application but at least the hope is that something truly tasty is in the... do do... that didn't come out right... oh dear.
VW: embili I am embili-vibably sorry for that last poop joke.
I don't even know what any of those are supposed to be
SuBee,
That was amazing! :D
You ruin my working life because I sip coffee while I read this blog and then spit it on myself so I miss a lot of afternoon meetings because I cant be seen by clients in a dirty shirt.
Hysterical!
I'm sending my check for the $11.2M for the "Do"! I'm so excited that my stomach kinda hurts, I think I need to "Do" :P
I'm tempted to comment, "Now I've seen everything," but the world hasn't ended yet. Ummm, wow....
You, Jen, are me hero. If you only knew the week I've had.... suffice it to say you never cease to turn my frown upside down!! THANK YOU!!
The fourth one looks like it is an homage to cicadas. Or is it just me who sees bugs everywhere?
Wow! I can't get through my day without your sarcastic wit! You have no idea how much the daily humor means to me. Keep up the excellent work!!
My 2-year-old son saw the second cake and asked, "What is this?" After looking at the entire post, he demanded, "More cakes!" You have a new fan. :)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first one is actually pretty! Or would be, if you couldn't see the brown cake crumbs.
What. In. The. Heck. Those "cakes" are "ugly."
wv: billyc (buhl-ICK). The sound I made when I saw those cakes.