Hey Rab-baht!
September 8, 2010 Today, we're going to talk about carrots.
Or more specifically, carrot cake. You see, for hundreds of thousands of years, bakers have been trying to hide the taste of carrots - which is most charitably described as "dirt-like"- by mixing it with truckloads of sugar and cream cheese icing. This makes even the most rancid of vegetables - aka, carrots - slightly less disgusting and, of course, extremely healthy.
But how does a baker, who is bound by law to disclose that his cake actually contains putrid dirt veg, tell his customers without making them want to vomit?
"That's funny; why do these red velvet cupcakes taste like feet?"
"Hm. I feel like these orange arrows are trying to tell me something about my Canb cake. But what could it be?!?"
"I'm detecting notes of chocolate icing and...is that...? Yes...I think it is! Fetid bunny swill. Huh."Some have tried tweaking the color to muppet blue:
This way instead of imagining carrots - the ingrown hairs of the earth - in your cake, you can imagine synthetic fur - which is of course a vast improvement.
Cak Rot?Sounds about right to me.
Note: Before the carrot cake coalition comes after me, I should mention that I actually love carrot cake. Carrots, however, are evil like the froo-its of the de-vill. Which just goes to show: if you put enough sugar in something, even the most revolting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, stomach-churning, stomach-turning, off-putting, unpalatable, distasteful, foul, nasty, vomitous vegetable known to man can be super duper yummy.
Special thanks to peachesrevenge, Simon L., Nora B., Lacey J., Natasha T., and my Mac Thesaurus, which never lets me down.
Reader Comments (215)
Ha! Even when I cook carrots for us, we do them candied style with brown sugar and butter. anything that drowns out the carrot-y taste. ;)
*crunch crunch crunch*
Sorry, but you have it wrong. "The most revolting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, stomach-churning, stomach-turning, off-putting, unpalatable, distasteful, foul, nasty, vomitous vegetable known to man" is actually the lima bean.
Crazy!
Whoa, the 'Canb' cake looks like it says an entirely different four-letter word! How rude! Unless it's the flavor of the cake, but that's a whole different problem.
Love the So I Married an Axe Murderer reference. And the post, of course.
Love the Cak Rot cake. AND...not only did they pipe it that way once, but actually gave us a twin cake! Whooh Whooh!
Go Wreckers....go wreckers!
Sharon's Edible Art
Methinks you don't care for carrots.
Carrots, the ingrown hair of the earth
One of the funniest things I've ever read! Thanks for the morning laugh.
Is it just me, or does the writing on the second cake look like the dreaded c-word?
Rather than being a deformed carrot on top of the chocolate cake, I believe that is the flower of that plant they show on the news from time to time. You know, the flower that smells like rotting meat. That would fit in with your dislike of carrots.
Yay! Another carrot hater, huzzah! I feel vindicated and will now use "ingrown hairs of the earth" as my new catch-phrase to describe them. Carrot cake, however, is delicious especially with a nice cream cheese icing!
Carrots: ingrown hairs of the earth....snicker!
Love the post, John! And I'm with you when it comes to the taste of carrots...a dirt-like essence...bleah!
Still, you have to love those little carrot jockeys....
Sharon's Edible Art
I love that Winnie the Pooh narrates the title of your post.
As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE carrot cake, I just had to laugh at "ingrown hairs of the earth". You've done it again -- turned righteous indignation into embarrassingly loud laughter. Mazel tov.
I initially read the illegible one as something very rude indeed....
The canb cake looks like it says something different to me. U and T instead of A and B. I hate that word, why would someone write something that looks like that? Nice So I married an Axe Murderer quote. The canb cake fits the bill.
Gotta disagree with the last paragraph. That's why brussel sprout cakes aren't more popular....
Someone who thinks carrots are a gross vegetable has obviously never had a brussel sprout!
Hehe, John, you and my sister are peas in a pod when it comes to carrots.
Also, now I have an almost irresistable urge to make a carrot cake... yummyness. :D
I'm pretty sure I had some cak rot once at a little Klingon cafe.
Hey, what's wrong with carrots?
They taste good!
I'm still trying to process the fact that you said something about carrots and carrot cake without mentioning naked mohawk baby carrot jockeys.
No, it just doesn't compute.
Let me say it once more for good measure: Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys.
You seem to have carrots confused with beets.
I thought I was the only person alive who had lines memorized from "So I Married An Axe Murderer." That is a great movie! Thanks for reminding me of the laughs. To go with my carrot cake, I thought I ordered a LARGE cappuccino. Haha! --Emily
Hey all,
Just so we're clear, there are many varied and wonderfully disgusting vegetables in this world of ours. However, carrots have chosen to single themselves out at every holiday meal by gleefully proclaiming, "Hey! Eat me boiled and mushy! People claim I'm good for you!"
Lima beans and Brussels sprouts know better. They just sit over in a corner, relaxing in a vat of butter and minding their own business. Carrots are the obnoxious second cousins of the vegetable family.
john
Nice use of the Thesaurus! Love it!
Have you ever seen a pea cake? No...no? That's because not even sugar and cream cheese (or any other delectably sweet thing) can make those nasty little balls of bitter any good. I'd take carrots any day!
I love carrots. I may not ever be able to get past the ingrown hairs of the earth reference. Darn you cakewrecks!
I like carrots and carrot cake but I think cream cheese icing is just about the most disgusting thing on the planet (The actual honor goes to Dr. Pepper). Cheese has no place in desert food. And before you ask, Cheese cake is slimy and gross.
Hey, you know, the writing on that second cake doesn't look like "canb" so much as it looks like "Epcot."
Carrots? Naaa... okra! Slimy gobs of nobby goo that can't be swallowed regardless of the number of years threatened with NO TV!! -- Anna
Urg...you know, I like carrots, but I don't think I'll be able to eat them now for a while...
Dani:
I love cheese on my desert food. I just don't want it in my dessert.
Don't hold back, John - tell us how you *really* feel about carrots! :)
Um yeah I also see on the second cake the "c" word that rhymes with punt....which is not something I want to eat. I don't swing that way.
Don't make these people come after you:
http://www.babycarrots.com/
You know, I was going to pick up a carrot cake from a local bakery tonight, because we were invited to a friends house for dinner. This bakery makes an amazing version of carrot cake, but I think after this post I am going to get mini cannolis instead.
Thanks Cake Wrecks. :)
"the ingrown hairs of the earth" - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
WV - cardsmsu - I'm sure it's related to tiramisu.
On the other hand, there is not enough sugar on the planet to hide the revolting taste of cantaloupe. Or licorice.
Hey John,
Are carrots really the obnoxious second cousins of the family? Or are you too PC to call them redheaded stepchildren?
R.J.
I love the Cak Rot cakes! I think I sprayed my monitor with coffee on that one! Too funny!
Amy A
wow.
i HATE carrot cake, but since my hubby (also named John) just loooooves it, i was considering making him some.
but "Ingrown Hairs of the Earth" has officially swayed me against it.
ewww ewww EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
@ Redhead Justice,
See, to me, the term redheaded stepchild means more that someone is not related and, of course, carrots are very much a part of the family. They're just the part that nobody likes. They're the obnoxious second cousin who shows up to the party drunk wearing a wife beater and making rude jokes to your 105 year old grandmother, Mrs. Collard Green.
john
- the ingrown hairs of the earth -
LOL!
Mmm, I love carrots. Carrot cake, on the other hand, is evil, because it almost always contains walnuts, which are the true fruit of the devil. At least to people like me who are allergic.
WV: endadera - Don't youa dare-a cut inafronta me ina line-a! Go to the endadera!
OMG, was that a So I Married an Axe Murderer reference? This blog rocks!
And this really post makes me regret not taking a photo of the giant chocolate chip cookie that had icing carrots on it.
Wow! I have never actually heard someone talk with such hate about carrots--obviously you've never had a good one--if you're eating them from the store, yes they taste like that--if you grow them at home organically, they taste like pure sugar and have none of the feet or dirt taste you mention. I'll keep eating my carrots and have awesome health and eyesight.
What's wrong with carrots? I think raw carrots are delicious. And Bugs Bunny agrees with me. So you guys have a problem ;) Or maybe you only tried the tasteless, genetically modified cr*p.
Carrot cake on the other hand sounds icky. Carrot+sugar? really? ew. Thank goodness no one heard about that recipe in my country :)
Oh Cooolllll! A red/green colour blindness test that comes in cake form!
So much more fun than those spot tests.
i happen to love carrots - and not a fan of carrot cake. to each her own.
now when they start making eggplant cake, that's an entirely different matter. blech.