New Year's Diet Aid
January 21, 2010 Did you know that 89.3% of New Year's resolution diets FAIL in just 3 weeks?
No?
Well, that's probably because I made that stat up. (FACT: 63.4% of statistics are made up on the spot.)
I'm pretty sure most diets do fail, though, on account of their requiring you to eat significantly smaller portions of cake - and, let's face it, that's a trade-off no one wants to make.
Still, for you foolhardy few trudging on in blatant defiance of Mother Nature, your genetics, and the Baskin Robbins large chocolate Oreo shake, here are some motivational visuals sure to make you lose your appetite, if not that spare tire.
Imagine semi-congealed cement. With a chaser of pond scum. And a dead, flattened snake.Now, imagine washing that all down with a niiice, cold glass of milk.
Feeling motivated yet?
I bet this cake would taste really wet. And Reddi-Whip-ee. And...silk flowery.
(C'mon, bakers, really? Chocolate poo swirled icing AND strawberry syrup? Really?)I feel I should warn you: this next cake will guarantee you'll never, EVER, want sprinkles again.
Well, at least not chocolate sprinkles. Yech.
This is one hairy situation, guys. A very public, hairy situation. Not good.Sometimes you don't need icing or sprinkles to Wreck a cake, though. Sometimes, all you need is a can of fruit filling.
I am never eating blueberries again.Hannah C., Ellysa C., Cynthia M., Johanna., Julie & Chris B., Jessica G., & Julia S., with cakes like these, who needs Weight Watchers?
- Related Wreckage: I Think I'll Have the Salad Today
RSS Feed Update: Due to excessive internet thievery (boo, spam blogs!) I've finally had to pull the plug on our full RSS feed. We're still tinkering and experimenting with options, though, so please bear with us!
Reader Comments (228)
Half of those cakes look like they're moving!
I swear. No lies. My brain erased the "L" in Public on the hairy cake. I had to re-read it 4 times before the L appeared.
Thank you. You just saved me from that cake craving I had. Now, if only the scale would also magically drop a pound in appreciation.
That blueberry 'dollop' looks disturbingly like oversized caviar. Because when I think Cake, I immediately think Fish Eggs. A completely normal, every day train of thought, am I right?
wow---and I used to like frozen blueberries to cool down...
all that rat cake needs is a cockroach or two
The Chad mouse dropping cake makes me shudder - and I used to keep pet mice!
Lisa
Ewwww..just ewwww..
I may not want to eat anything today, but especially not cake.
Pie > cake, anyway. This post only confirms the horrors that people have to endure with this silly leavened pastry.
:)
Horrible, horrible, horrible. I can't unfreeze my face from the "I'm about to yak" expression. Horrible.
Oh dear. Oh my. Holy bakeroni. I am often amused, sometimes perplexed, and occasionally grossed out, but you managed to start my morning with all three at once! Thank you!
Well, so much for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. For the rest of the week.
I think the mouse poo one is kinda creative, although disgusting. :D
Whatever baker "produced" cake #4 should really make an appointment to visit the recipient of cake #3.
I also read "a very public (without the L) hairy situation" the first time.
Decorators think they can slap any old piece of poo under clear plastic and it will look fancy. They're wrong.
Oh my lord! The intestines cake totally got me. Why, why, why?
The rat cake actually made me smile. I've had pet hamsters for many years and my friends did something similar with the sprinkles on my cake and then said "Oh your hams helped us decorate it". If it had had a fake rat on it, it may have been a different story though.
And Suzie, my brain did the same thing on Public. Natural connection I'm guessing? Bleh.
Note to self: do not read Cake Wrecks just after eating. Those are NASTY!
Are those real rocks on that icing glopped snake in the jungle cake?
And what's the red stuff? Icing jalapenos?
AAAHHHHH!!! O vile. O vile. O vile.
Are those STICKERS on the bum cake?!?
I see...
1) the result of mixing Play-Doh colors,
2) popcorn and writing on phlegm,
3) a horrific skin condition,
4) too much fiber?,
5) a very smart rat,
6) an unnecessary "l" in the commentary, and
7) fish eggs - because no blueberry should sit in that much mucous.
I think I just lost my appetite for the rest of the day, thanks...I need to lost a pound or two.
And off-topic...in case you haven't been to Jacob's site in awhile, he had a rough night with having to be intubated for being unresponsive. He is doing better this morning, but needs all the prayers he can get to try and get into a new clinical trial. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jacobmatthewtaylor/journal
GROSS!
GROSS!
GROSS!
My 4-year old just announced, "Those cakes are not beautiful." I'd like to add that they are completely disturbing. *shudder*
Wow. Is it just me, or is that first cake on a bed of spaghetti? I mean, it was gross enough before, but when you add in the potential for cold, soggy-yet-hard pasta?
WV: Myodyes: If I showed my grandmother this wreck, she'd mutter, "Myodyes hurt now. I need my glasses."
I think I just puked a little.
#1. Snake ‘n’ basil soufflé FTW!!!
#2. It’s pineapple URP-side down cake!
#3. “I said BUNDT cake! BUNDT!!!”
#4. “Honey, I think we need to take the cat to the vet!”
#5. For a mouse, that’s pretty nice penmanship.
#6. No-no-no-no-no. Not going there, Dr. Freud. But thank you, anyway.
#7. Well, you’d choke on your blueberries, too, if you saw the previous cakes in this post.
^..^
Tigerwolf
I actually lost a little weight just reading this blog. Nice work.
http://mconnealy.blogspot.com/
Feh, I read that the number of fake statistics is up to 78.4%.
What's really sad about the butt cake is that it looks like someone actually tried on that one.
I had to retrieve some old cutters out of a box from the garage a few weeks ago and when I went out there, for a moment I thought, "How did all those chocolate sprinkles get on the TOP of the box?" Then I clued in. Ew. Even though the box was intact and there were no "sprinkles" inside, I still boiled the cutters. I can't imagine trying to eat a cake that reminds me of that.
WV: pikiesco: Pikies Co is the company that makes all of that plastic flotsam-on-a-stick for jamming into cakes by lazy decorators.
I bet most of us will skip the L in public when gazing on that work of awfulness.
Are those STICKERS on that ass-cake? STICKERS???
Damn them for ruining sprinkles!!!!!
WV = styringi: That's some styringi looking sprynklies on that "public" cake!
The rat poo cake made me laugh out loud. It's hilarious in a completely disgusting way. I wish I could have seen Chad's face. Maybe he works for an exterminator.
I just want to thank you... I sat here laughing out loud at these cakes and especially your commentary, and there's no better way to start my day. I look forward to Cake Wrecks every morning. Thanks for all you do!
What is the bloody poo cake even supposed to be? Aside from a subtle hint you need more fiber in your diet, of course.
What did Chad DO DO to deserve a rat poo cake?
Congratulations! You have just posted the Most Disgusting CakeWrecks to date! The Wreckporter who captured the red-stained poo slab deserves special recognition.
To repeat, YUCK!
I am glad my stomach is empty. I was thinking breakfast, but now I'm just feeling ill... good grief!
WV: burnal, as in we should burnal these cakes immediately!
that arse cake is atrocious!! is that supposed to be an astronaut (landing on the moon) or a physician about to take the plunge?
and did anyone else dare to click on that thing? tramp-stamp aside, that is one disgusting piece of, er, cake. ack!!
I'm having a very hard time trying to determine which makes me the most sick! Lets just say that I will soooo be sticking to my diet at lunch!
Oh, oh oh... I just might throw-up! And the result would be prettier than those cakes!
The first one actually reminded me of changing my son's diaper after he discovered that he loves spinach.
Once again you have given me something to smile about. And this was after a morning with juniot hi students complaining about their work load!
Just for a brief second, I thought your description of cake #6 said (in part), "a very PUBIC, hairy situation"
Perhaps that was done on purpose, perhaps not. Either way, WELL DONE! :)
I am really puzzled by the shiny, slimy "cake". It's gross on so many levels, but what IS that thing among the silk flowers? The fuzzy, dusty blob? I can't get my head around it.
I am in the midst of a weight loss competition with my neighbors. So, thanks for the help!
1) mm. moldy cake with snake. and GREEN. how can green vegetables NOT look appetizing after that? (for those that hate veggies)
2) do silk flowers count as roughage?
3) "man lands on the moon" has a whole new meaning for me. and this reminds me how dieters wonder "does my butt look fat"? more motivation.
4) bloody poop or intestines? you decide. (meanwhile what the heck is it SUPPOSED to be? and is it only icing and jelly? no cake? yuck)
5) Does Chad have a rodent problem in his apartment? How supportive of his friends. At least we know where NOT to eat. (Must admire the fine motor skills of the decorator to spell out his name in sprinkles.)
6) get thee to a hot wax specialist! hair? or maggots...
7) the jelly on those blueberries makes it look fish or amphibian eggs. yuck....
hey, kids, you KNOW Jen is messing with your minds on the public/pubic comment. She hedged her bets that if she wrote "public," you'd think, "pubic." because that is what it looks like. right, Jen?
wv: combi--apparently what cake #6 needs!
Sharon, they actually make a candy decoration that looks like rocks like that. I had them on my daughters' beach themed cake. but we could always wonder. I mean, silk flowers? not everyone is very resourceful....
Is that seriously just a bunch of globs of chocolate frosting? I mean, I eat cake mostly for the frosting, but seriously? That's just shameless.
I saw "pubic" as well! How did our brains do that? All of these are HORRENDOUS!!!
I was about to eat breakfast. I have no desire now. Thanks for helping me keep my diet.