Friday
Sep042009
I Think I'll Have the Salad Today...
September 4, 2009 Since the book tour is only three weeks away, John has started a new diet. I was going to join him, but then I had the following revelations:
1) At its core, humor is about being honest.
2) You guys probably expect me to be both funny and honest in person.
3) Losing weight would make me someone I'm not (ie a person who loses weight), and therefore is intrinsically DIShonest.
4) Oooh, cupcakes!
Anyhoo, so while I'm not on a diet myself, I still want to support John any way I can. Some people might try cooking him a healthy meal, or inviting him for walks. Me? I find gross cakes to help kill his appetite.
Ta Da!I bet you're feeling thinner already, aren't you? And if not, you may find this next one "erupting" with diet inspiration:
Mmm. That's the stuff.John's diet requires him to cut down on carbs, so I know he's going to love Barbie's meat blanket here:
Mmm. That's the stuff.
Now, I realize this may have ruined pepperoni and moldy raw roast beef for most of you, but trust me: You'll thank me later.
And speaking of low-carb diets, I hear you also see a lot of these when you're on them:
Or is that only if you cheat and eat a bunch of raisins? Hm...What's that? You want one last word of diet inspiration? Okey doke. Here goes:
[swinging pocket watch] "You are feeling sleepy. Veerrry sleepy. Now, you will never crave skinned leopard - or cake - ever agaiiin."Madison C. & Chris V., Emily H., Meredith, Stephanie M., and Anony M., maybe there IS something to this Cake Wrecks diet plan. I totally passed up a cupcake for a candy bar just now.
- Related Wreckage: Better Dieting Through Cake
Reader Comments (108)
The grill/burger cccake isn't really the worst thing ever...
That last cake wouldn't have been that bad if it didnt have the whole antennae sticking out of the top tear thing going on. Also maybe if it were slightly less shiny and metallic looking.
How exactly is losing weight Dishonest? I lost 70 lbs, kept it off, and don't feel like I lied to anyone. Lying ABOUT your weight, now that is dishonest!
Wow, the concept of "love eruptions" opens up a whole new realm of cake decorating.
Okay, I have seen worse things on the blog, but these things do really not look like they are edible.
The Barbie-cake was especially awful. Old plastic toys and food simply doesnt match!!
I was recently introduced to your site which has resulted in becoming an avid fan. In turn, it has rekindled my cravings for cake (thanks). Body for Life is a fantastic "diet" plan if you want to lose weight but still have your cake and eat it, too. You get a "free" day to eat whatever you want. Best of luck to John!
What on earth did they cover the 'sleepy' cake with. It looks like that fruit 'leather' stuff that little kids like to eat.
How about pulling out a cap while we're at it.
I am totally clueless WHAT Jay's "cake???" is supposed to be... any ideas?
I think the glimpses of netting (slip, skirt)peeking from under her covers was the worst part. How do you eat around, through? netting?
I am glad my dad doesn't know how to access blogs, Cake Wrecks would be the end of him... he made amazing cakes (1950-2000)and his Barbie cakes (think 60's) were to die for. In his day he made Wilton cakes look chunky and plain...
Are those paperclips hanging from the last cake?
What else is erupting? Blech.
Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)
Ugh, all that black frosting on that grill CCC just turns my stomach.
Thanks, Jen. I missed breakfast this morning, but definitely not missing it now.
I think Jay's cake is celebrating his mountain/rock climbing hobby? Between the flag on top and the blue frosting rope coming down.
Jay's cake reminds me of the Great Whole House Steam Cleaning Incident of 2008 (occured after my dog ate raw pork scraps out of the garbage.)
That's just nasty.
WV grapt- I don't thnk the wreckorators have grapt the concept that cakes should look nice.
I'm still a little confused as to what all is going on with the first picture...I get that there's a grill...and a spatula on the left...what is on the right? A pot of molten lava?
How can people even consider eating any of those? Yikes.
Bless Jay's heart. That cake was for his *9th* birthday? Children shouldn't have to endure that type of torture. Looks like he's doomed to a lifetime of bad cakes and CCC's.
Am speechless. That bbq ccc was about the worst cake ever! FOr real. I don't know if it's the "burnt" frosting, or that black charcoal log WITH the long poop log on top, that makes me gag.
Or wait, maybe it's that raw steak on the right.
OMG is that sposed to be a BBQ?
haha tee he he!
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
p.s. I greatly despise the word 'erupt'. It kinda makes my eye twitch.
What IS that first one. It's disgusting...
and the Barbie cake, the blanket totally looks like some old salami to me.
That first one is supposed to be a grill? I thought it was a pile of barrels with street signs on them, next to a shovel and a disemboweled rat.
You need to give us some context on these!
Two questions: what THE HELL is that first cake? i can't even make a guess.
WHAT THE HELL are those things dangling off the top of the leopard print cake?
Holy crap, I'm so getting MYSELF a meat blanket! What could be better than sleeping under the gorgeous aroma of old salami??
I can't even figure out what the first one is, my eyes won't focuse on it properly.
You know, I often get to craving foods I see repeatedly. But for some reason, despite reading Cakewrecks religiously, I somehow never crave cake...
I'm not entirely sure what that first cake represents, but as an avid videogamer, I'm pretty confident the thing in its lower right corner is an Oblivion Gate.
What the *heck* is that first one supposed to be?!
Jen, we love you just the way you are. Keep on rockin' with your bad self. Good luck on the tour!
Amazing! The grocery store I work at sells a similar cupcake cake to the grill one, but our's actually looks appetizing and cute. This...this looks kind of sloppy.
Poor Jay, not only was his cake just plain weird, but it came with a girly tablecloth. Poor thing.
I'm glad I read the viewer comments first. I thought the first cake was supposed to be a hockey player! But I couldn't quite make it come out right. Come to that, trying to make it into BBQ grill doesn't make it come out right either.
As far as the eruptions cake--that could go for anything from celebrating a climb up Mount Pele to acne. (I have never seen an a cake in celebration of acne, but I'm sure, human nature being what it is, there is one out there somewhere--perhaps as a groom's cake.)
The last cake looks like it's comprised of the alien meat slabs from Torchwood, wrapped in leopard print. Yummy.
@anonymous
LOL
That first one is totally an Oblivion Gate!
~JD
The red thing on the right on the "grill" cake is supposed to be a ketchup bottle.
I kind of like the "Erupting with Love" one. It made me smile and feel warm fuzzies.
The leopard cake looks like it has fishing lures on the top.
Is Barbie covered in Pimento loaf and sleeping on a pillow of sausage? Is this really a cake?
That grill picture is gross. You certainly made me loose my appetite!
I am SOOO headed to a Bed Bath & Beyond to shop for my own pepperoni bedspread. AWESOME!!
The meat blanket on the Barbie cake is truly disturbing -- but her "pillow" is the color of a rotten strawberry and strangely pockmarked. I don't want to think about what it's made of....no cake for me no pepperoni either.
Is the thing on the right on the first cake a ketchup bottle squirting all over the place? And what's written on the "cheese"?
wv: pritia
I don't think any of these cakes are pritia then the others - they're all fugly.
You never fail to make me laugh! Hope you enjoyed the candy bar!
It's BURGERS? At first glance I thought that the top cupcake monstrosity was a bad attempt at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then it looked like the...what I assume is *cheese* was placards saying "GO" on them, so maybe people in the bleachers? Burgers, I never would have thought.
WV: concoc
As in, who the heck thinks up these hideous concoctions, or thinks they're remotely appetising or edible??
I love that so people are commenting on "why does Barbie's blanket look like pepporoni/nasty meat/moldy fruit roll-ups/etc.
I'm still trying to get past "Who wanted a cake of Barbie in bed and what ever for?!??" myself :)
p.s. hmm...thanks, I may never eat again. Especially after Poo Mountain! :P
Seriously, going on a diet right before a book tour including free cake and lots of cupcakes would just be torture. Your body would probably rebel and the first cupcake you ate would have you gaining 5 lbs. ;)
:p Ok it took me a while to figure out the first one was grilled burger or something with a ketchup bottle on the right. And maybe a sauce brush on the left?
;) And thanks DNfromMN for explaining Jays mountain climbing pile of....cake.
Actually, the erupting one isn't all that bad, design wise. Very poor choice on the colour of the mountain though.
PS - meat blanket is all well and good but if you really want diet inducing food, look up 'head cheese'. The wikipedia page has a very good (read- disgusting) picture for it.
Wow, is that like "Booty Call Barbie" with the come hither wave and sly smile? Yikes. Talk about a piece of meat lol
You've officially put me off everything that has passed its expiration date in my refrigerator.
*tilts head sideways*
Are those PAPER CLIPS????
Ewww...non-edible cakes for sure.
The first one is just hideous, BBQ charcoal, a spatula and an oozing bottle of ketchup.
The last one isn't that bad except for the supposed "cake jewelry" The color and pattern really is icky too !
I'm always dying to know if people actually eat these disasters!?