Friday
Sep042009
I Think I'll Have the Salad Today...
September 4, 2009 Since the book tour is only three weeks away, John has started a new diet. I was going to join him, but then I had the following revelations:
1) At its core, humor is about being honest.
2) You guys probably expect me to be both funny and honest in person.
3) Losing weight would make me someone I'm not (ie a person who loses weight), and therefore is intrinsically DIShonest.
4) Oooh, cupcakes!
Anyhoo, so while I'm not on a diet myself, I still want to support John any way I can. Some people might try cooking him a healthy meal, or inviting him for walks. Me? I find gross cakes to help kill his appetite.
Ta Da!I bet you're feeling thinner already, aren't you? And if not, you may find this next one "erupting" with diet inspiration:
Mmm. That's the stuff.John's diet requires him to cut down on carbs, so I know he's going to love Barbie's meat blanket here:
Mmm. That's the stuff.
Now, I realize this may have ruined pepperoni and moldy raw roast beef for most of you, but trust me: You'll thank me later.
And speaking of low-carb diets, I hear you also see a lot of these when you're on them:
Or is that only if you cheat and eat a bunch of raisins? Hm...What's that? You want one last word of diet inspiration? Okey doke. Here goes:
[swinging pocket watch] "You are feeling sleepy. Veerrry sleepy. Now, you will never crave skinned leopard - or cake - ever agaiiin."Madison C. & Chris V., Emily H., Meredith, Stephanie M., and Anony M., maybe there IS something to this Cake Wrecks diet plan. I totally passed up a cupcake for a candy bar just now.
- Related Wreckage: Better Dieting Through Cake
Reader Comments (108)
Barbie with a meat blanket??!!
Yuck!!!
What the hell is that 1st cake supposed to be?
And why is "Jay" having a
1)pile of horse poop or
2)termite mound
for his....
birthday?
I had to comment on this one...all I can say is WTF!!!! I would not want to eat any of those cakes.
Skinned Leopard Cake is now my favorite thing ever.
And I think I picked up something resembling the mountain of poo when last walking my dog.
WTH is the first one?!?!? YIKES!
PS LOVE the site - keep it up!
So that's what happened to the paperclip sculpture I built on my desk instead of working. It really wasn't a work of art, rather a futile expression of boredom. I don't know WHAT it is doing on top of a cake though...
So glad that people post as I never would have otherwise known what the first one was.
I think Barbie's under some mac 'n cheese luncheon loaf.
Can't wait to read the book! I don't know how you could possibly choose what to include & what to leave out!
Is Barbie waving hello or signaling a need for rescue as she slowly drowns beneath that meat blanket? "I can't swim!!"
I guess we know her diet secret now.
WV "phooff" What will happen to Barbie if she is left under the salami for 24 hours.
Thank you commenters who could ID that revolting first wreck as a barbecue... I would never have seen anything other than a ginormous mound of poop - first time also that I'm actually nauseated, something that none of the pooey wrecks featured here before had managed to achieve, ugh! Now, can somebody come up with an explanation for the droopy wire thingies dangling from the top of the flayed leo cake... I keep staring at it, and staring at it, and it's doing my head in.
Is that a burger at the foot of Barbie's bed? She sure must be craving meat.
That BBQ is even a poor excuse for a wrecked BBQ cake. How can you be even wreckier than a wreck?
The poop mountains... Yowzas.
And Barbie REALLY likes Mortadella. Like, a lot! Not sure what Mortadella looks like? Check this out:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zqFoq3qej2c/ShBWVhrTy9I/AAAAAAAAsHc/uQGC9CNSYkY/s400/mortadella.jpg
Someone should see a doctor about that. It looks infected.
That Barbie one looks like something out of a horrer film! Maybe the blanket is trying ot eat her alive?
Okay, honest to god I had to wait and read some of the comments first because I had no idea what the hell that first one was supposed to be. And I thought the yellow square thingys (cheez, i presume?) said Go Jets. I still don't know what the thing on the left is. Someone said spatula, but it looks more like a cigar/turd to me. And the stuff under the lines is supposed to be coals? Or are they burgers that fell through the grate? Clearly I'm having some major issues with this one. It's just too much for my brain to process on the Friday of a holiday weekend.
What the heck was that brownish-green booger looking thing with the cheery "Happy birthday!" message? 0_o
And a Love Volcano? I've heard of a Love Hangover...huh, maybe you get the volcano after the hangover (BARRFF)
And hey! It a Gril(l)--we think! (at least the ketchup bottle was kind of cute)
I'm getting married in a little over a week, and I'm hoping that my taste for cake comes back before then! Heheheh.
Holy cow, I thought the first cake was a stack of dynamite. I can see the bottle of ketchup now, but the rest is beyond me.
Wow, skinned leopard with paperclips holding sparkly things. Nice!
Also, SADNESS AND DESPAIR! I just found out my daughter's Kindergarten open house is on the same night as the Orlando book signing!! Same Bat-time, same Bat-city. :(
wv: drati. "Drati! I already had my cupcake mini cake wreck planned out!"
What I want to know is what poor 9 year old Jay did to deserve a mouldy cake topped with dried guinea pig droppings???
I had no idea what that first one was until reading the other comments. I may never eat again!
Jen, you have some hilarious readers. My new-ish puppy left a pile of Jay's cake on my living room floor this morning. Not appetizing at all.
WV crusei: These cakes will make John crusei right on past the bakery.
Is the Barbie one even a cake? The meat blanket and cow tongue pillow have me gagging.
Barbie is most certainly cuddling up under a cozy slice of day old pickle loaf.
I think it's wonderful that you are so supportive of your husband's weight loss efforts and go through such labor to help kill his appetite - in fact I think you may have dropped a few pounds yourself from the work! Many wives would not do half as much!
Even after I figured out that the first "cake" was cheesburgers on a grill on charcoals, with a spatula, I still saw raw, blood-dripping meat on the right. Who keeps ketchup on a grill?
The Erupting cake should have just gone with the cookies. Cakes should not coagulate.
What part of the Barbie cake is edible? I see moldy strawberry pillows, netting, and plastic covered with head cheese. It's bad when the salami/head cheese blanket is the most tasty-looking part of a cake!
I was so distracted by the backgraound I almost missed poor Jay's cake. Mountain-climbing is cool; poop-mountain climbing is just wrong. And why is it covered in snot?
I'm going to assume that the last cake was made as a threat to a misbehaving cat: look Kitty, sparklies! Now keep in mind, Kitty, that we could always use that beautiful fur of yours as trim if you don't stop scratching up my chairs!
WV: suffer. Really. Too easy!
all i want to know is...what in THE HECK is the first thing?
Oh my. Jay's cake looks like something that came out of my dog. Seriously.
Oh, my gosh I feel nauseous.
perhaps i'm in the wrong frame of mind here, but look beyond the meat blanket (may take some careful selective seeing, or black-and-white screen) and look at what barbie is doing. is it just me, or is she gusset-typing under there?
Still not seeing burgers or ketchup bottle on that first one. Why do the burgers have large, black slugs stretched across them? "Ketchup bottle" = piece of uncooked meat.
As for Jay's cake - first saw ginormous booger, then had flashback to giant pile of poo from "Weird Science." Anyone remember that?
And of course, wouldn't every little girl just love a "Meat Blanket Barbie," with all the accessories?
So....a turd cake....yum.
Feel free to censor this because it has nothing to do with cake, but as a struggling dieter I wanted to share with John a site that gives me many a giggle when I need it: http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html
- it's like, Dietwrecks.
Best of luck!
Good on you for not dieting.
Go read http://kateharding.net/ instead. It's better for you than losing weight.
lol as if i werent already nauseated
you want to curb your appetite come work with me..i got a bag full of maggots today!
these are just truly odd
"Erupting with love" looks more like "profusely bleeding with pain."
http://www.adnoxious.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">adnoxious.blogspot.com
Taking aim at lousy advertising
What the heck is the first one supposed to be? I think I see a spatula, a bottle of ketchup, and a grill with post-it notes that say "Go Jets".
Okay, I was fine until I saw that cone shaped poo pile. Gag!
~Amy B
In case you're interested, John's not the only one who uses your blog as a diet aid. A friend of mine spent many years developing a sweet tooth before developing diabetes, and he says seeing sugar abused the way it is here makes it easier to stay away from it.
(And count one more person who needed the comments to figure out the first one ;) .)
Yeah, Jay's cake is supposed to be for a mountain climbing themed party. Personally, it looks like the puppy ate some blue tinsel again!
Stephanie M
Am I the only one who wanted to use http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ejaculate?x=0&y=0" rel="nofollow">this synonym for "exclaim" to comment on the "Erupting" cake?
What the heck is that first cake supposed to be? Last cake didn't look sooooooo bad! And finally . . . eat less, exercise more! I've started a walking program (minimum 30 minutes a day) five days a week (I sleep in on weekend!) and cut out *most* sweets. Seeing fantastic success so far! Nothing fancy, nothing expensive . . . just good old fashioned walking!
Well, it worked on me.
Ack, Barbie's meat bed is definitely the most disgusting thing here. Wouldn't eat it for the world...
Good luck to John on his diet!
I find this highly amusing because since my dad (along with half the family) is currently on a diet and so decided to not have cake for his birthday. I think he wouldn't have wanted any anyway after seeing these!
Ahh, so romantic!
Puce glycerin eruptions
of . . . something . . . oh well.
Oh dear. And here I was, looking forward to cakes of moldy roast beef for my birthday. Now I won't be able to eat them without vomiting. Curse you!
And I'm afraid a cake of eruptions is just too pervy sounding for me. Though the fact that whatever it's erupting with looks really bloody is probably an even worse thing...
Also, as far as diets go -- IMO, the best diet is one where you listen to your body and eat what you want to eat without any guilt. This lady's article puts it well: http://www.margaretcho.com/content/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet/ (Sorry for the off-topic-ness).
Poor Jay! Can you imagine getting that for your birthday? Blech!
tina :)
MMMMMMMmmmmm Meatcake.
I'll be honest. I thought the grill CCC looked like day old horse poops. Not gonna lie.
I'm hoping the Barbie . . . thing is just decorative, because other than the salami concoction, I don't see much edible stuff there. It would at least be a mess to try and serve.
Jay . . . you poor child. All I can think is that maybe he likes exploring or history in which 'new worlds' are discovered and that's supposed to be a piece of land with his own personal flag in it. But that doesn't change the fact that it looks like something that came out of a St. Bernard. D:
These are too strange for words. While some cakes are so beautiful you hate to cut into them, these are so bad you want to serve them just to make them gone. http://blog.sweetservices.com/sweetscandyblog/
Maybe the last cake is topped with bridal party favors. My cousin's wife had a cake topped with bridal party favors that the bridesmaids had to sorta pull out of the cake. But it looked much less tacky than this...
No one else thought the item in the lower right of grill ccc looked like a penthouse gynecological close up? I seriously couldn't think of anything else.