A Long Shot
October 5, 2009 This is not the post that was originally scheduled for today.
Why?
Because the original post - which was written last week, mind you - said the following:
"As some of you know, Jen and I are currently touring around this great country of ours talking about cake, signing books, and trying desperately not to vomit. As of today, Jen has lost two fingers on her signing hand and has twelve different strains of the flu. Other than that, though, the tour's going really rather well."
Yep, that was John being funny, and yep, he apparently has now picked up my uncanny knack for pre-writing posts which foreshadow terrible events. Only this time, it's personal.*
If you're wondering where we are right now, here's a hint:
What do you mean, "that doesn't help any?" C'mon, isn't it obvious? That's only a super-famous sports logo for a super-famous sports team!
No?
Ok, fine, if I have to spoon-feed it to you:
What, nothing? Tch. Look, I don't see how this jumbled mass of shotgun shells and strawberries could make it any clearer. [head tilt] Well, unless maybe you held them up to a mirror. Heh. Yeeeah.Margaret I., Leti S., & Jennifer F., that last one really is in a sorry state, isn't it?
- Related Wreckage: The Tell-Tale Heart
* In the past two days John has suffered a head injury, pneumonia, and a staph infection of the blood. As of this writing he's still in critical condition, and the remainder of the book tour has been canceled. (Because when we wreck a book tour, we wreck a book tour.)
Reader Comments (547)
Yikes! I hope your luck starts to turn for the better. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!!
:( I'm so sorry. I hope he feels better soon. Best wishes so that you two can get home soon (and out of Texas, yeesh).
so, I thought that first pic was a uterus :)
Hang in there, John! You are in my prayers.
Feel better John, and Jen rest up John doesn't need a registered roommate! Feel better!
John & Jen, I'm so sorry to hear that y'all landed in the hospital...in Texas...so, to help you translate what you'll be hearing in a Texas hospital, I found definitions of some Texas Medical Terms:
Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Make eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
D&C - Where Washington is
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
G.I.Series - World series of military baseball
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pains - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer than I did
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - More than one
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Near by/close by
~Feel better soon!
~ Bonnie B
Please take the best care of yourselves. Readers understand, don't worry about the tour.
Q What do you call a cheese that doesn't belong to you?
A Nacho cheese!!!!
Jenny
Man, I don't envy the either of you. John, stuck in ICU, and Jen, having to sort out the hotels and tour and whatnot. Still, hopefully it helps to know that all your loyal fans want only the best of health for the both of you and wishing you a speedy recovery even from here in Good Ol' Blighty.
As for jokes, I am terrible, but maybe it will incite a smile nonetheless;
Why should you not take a Pokemon into the bathroom with you?
Because it might Pikachu.
Yeah, I know, I did say I was awful :D
John and Jen,
Long time silent reader.
I just wanted to wish you the best and a speedy recovery.
And I thought the first cake was a uterus...I thought this was going to be happy news : (
We love you!
Here's hoping that John and you get well soon!
This joke is my go-to for St. Patrick's Day; it's not even close to that time of year, but it's still funny!
What's Irish and lives outside?
Patty O'Furniture!
Heh.
So, does a hospital stay mean this will change to jello wrecks? John really doesn't do anything half-way does he? If he is going to be in the hospital he has to strive for critical. Jealous because he didn't have top billing on the tour? Wants the lime light? (Dry humor is my specialty, not funny jokes.) (And I really don't care when the blog is updated or comments posted, it can wait for John to get back on the ball. Besides, even the wrecks make me want to eat cake.)
I'll be praying to my heathen Gods for John's recovery. Best wishes to both of you, and hopefully we'll see you soon here in NYC!
I honestly thought the first one was another hysterectomy cake.
(Word verification: "matants," the only kind of people who would enjoy devouring a cake that looks like a uterus)
Kudos to you Jen for keeping a sense of humor in such a scary situation. I hope you and John get well soon, and please, no more prognosticating posts. Bad things happen to good people!
I'll keep my comment short and simple... Get well soon John! My thoughts are with both of you.
My prayers are with you guys. John has a bunch of nurses to take care of him..so be kind to yourself and take the time to eat and sleep and keep some sanity for the both of you:)
Well. . .I thought the first cake was a bikini gone wrong, the second one was a diagram of the female reproductive tract destined for a OBGYN conference and the last one. . . well. None of them looked Longhorn-ish. oh well, better luck next time.
OMG! How scarry for you both. I hope John gets better realy fast.
BTW I thought that first cake was a pair of panties.
Wow, we are really going to miss you in New York. I'm sending all my best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Here's my favorite corny joke:
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a martini. "I'm sorry," the bartender says, "we don't server food here."
Yar yar. Get well soon!
Best wishes to you both for a speedy recovery. May we celebrate with appropriate cakes soon.
oldie but a goodie:
UPS pilots report a problem, UPS maintenance fixes it:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
SO sorry to hear y'all are not feeling well!
Terri in Houston
I thought the first one was panties and the second a uterus from a rotten corpse. The 3rd one... well there are just no words for that.
I'm sorry to hear John is so so sick. The words "critical condition" scare me a little. Wishes and prayers for a speedy recovery.
Jen and John:
I got my copy of your book in the mail yesterday from Amazon, and was soooooooo looking forward to meeting you in Bethesda this week, but alas! Not gonna happen! Pleeeeeeze get better soon, both of you, and don't let this stoopid illness thing keep you from rescheduling, K? You must realize by now, that America needs You!
Hook 'Em Horns!
Sort of. Not really. My DL went to UT, so he was horrified by the cakes. On the other hand, my DD thought they were jock strap cakes. Nice.
Sorry to hear about the hospital pit stop. We will miss you in Bethesda!
Don't eat the green jello!
Aww...hoping John gets better very soon! (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear this and hope you're both feeling better soon!!
Here's a cake w/lyrics that'll make anyone groan. Amusement for John!
http://vita.fapis.com/cake.jpg
And a comic w/a joke! (for those with kids, another word for bosom is used in the comic)
http://seemikedraw.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/bad-eggs.gif
Oh no! Praying for a speedy recovery for John!
Another one praying! Thanks for the continual humor...your blog is one of my favorite go-to sites each day!
Well, I did think that first cake was a "steak" cake (rather, CCC), but still . . . I could almost hear a cow mooing in distress!
We're all still "mooing in distress" over your health situation. Head injury? What was that?
Concerned wreckies around the world look forward to both of you being back to "normal" (ahem, definition to be determined by ??). Don't worry about posting to the blog. We can wait.
Germ-free hugs to you both.
Continuing to send good wishes your way. I'm hoping Jon has a speedy recovery and no lasting ill effects from such a nasty systemic infection. Take good care of each other!
Sometimes when you take cell phone pictures it reverses the picture. Could that be what happened to that state?
Best wishes on both of your illnesses.
As a UT graduate I can honestly say in all my college years the longhorn never made me think of a uterus, but show me one poorly made CCC and...
I believe the first breast augmentation was done in Dallas and they're pretty fond of the procedure, so if any of John's doctors start looking too closely at his chest, pay attention.
So sorry y'all are having such a rough time. Hope they take good care of you.
I'm so sorry to hear that John's sill in the Hospital. I'm pulling for a quick recovery! Nothing's worse than being ill and far from home. Take care, guys!
Oh my, Jen and John, this was supposed to be the Cake Wrecks Tour, not Cake Tour Wrecks. What an unfortunate mixup!
I suppose you could look on the bright side by thinking that at least the medical emergency was sufficiently bad that you didn't really have to choose between disappointing people or being miserable (and possibly contagious), the way you would have with a cold or even the swine flu. ICU=get out of tour "free" pass, for some nonstandard values of free.
Get well soon! Y'all are in my thoughts.
I so enjoy your site. Check it daily for a great laugh. I hope Jon gets well soon. I will keep him in my prayers. Hope you get over the flu too. (Thought you said you were down with the flu). I was almost considering coming to the Kansas City signing. But hey that saves me a 7-8 hour trip. Hope you guys have a speedy recovery.
Delurking (only been on the Cake Wrecks journey a couple of months) to say I'm very sorry to hear about your illnesses / injury John, I hope you are getting the best care and are concentrating on getting better. And Jen, look after yourself too!
Oh god that really is a wreck! I am awfully tempted to draw little carrot jokeys travelling down an IV line...
Avid reader from New Zealand, you guys blog is the only thing that gets me through my workdays.
Many get well soon wishes for John, piped horribly and misspelt on an airbrushed cake of course!
xx
Dear Jen and John,
I've been a long-time lurker on your site, and it is one of the highlights of my day. I'm so sorry to hear that John's under the weather, to say the least. I'm sure I'm not the only one to say this, but if you find yourselves in need of some emergency 'health care reform' in the form of donations, please don't hesitate to ask for a little bit of help from your readers. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Happy Falker Satherhood to you and yours. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Best,
Deanna
Best wishes for a speedy recovery from Toronto!
While I've been reading your blog for months, I've never commented (I'm just not the commentor type!). But I just had to tell you that my prayers are with you and John. You have become a part of my daily routine and I love your sense of humor. I sincerely hope that he recovers quickly, and know that all of your fans are certainly understanding of the need to cancel the tour. (And those that aren't should just be smacked.)
-Heather DeMeno, Phila, PA
I so hope everyone is doing better soon. I too thought that first cake was a uterus! Ha Ha!!
So sorry to hear about John. I hope he (and you) are feeling better soon.
I've never posted before, but discovered your site while looking for wedding cake ideas for my daughter's wedding. I keep coming back for the continuing laughs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and John.
Wow... When John gets sick... he really goes all out!
Terrible news that the tour is canceled, I hope you have better luck on the next tour (which will be soon... right? right?!)
Feel better ASAP!
A Cake-Wrecks-style wish for John:
Get Weel "Soon"!
Prayers, healing thoughts and good wishes for a full quick recovery from another quiet fan.
That first cake looked like a uterus to me, and that you were at an OB/Gyn convention. Sending prayers for John to make a full recovery.
I concur with the first Anonymous... we can do without wrecks for a while. You need to rest up & take care of your hubby.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.