Mmmm, Chest Hair.
September 4, 2008 
Janet T. provided the best portrayal I've ever seen of Tom Selleck in icing. (Well, ok, technically it's also the only portrayal of Tom Selleck in icing I've seen.) But that chest hair -- egads! Looks like Emma will be having a very "Hairy" birthday indeed. [shudder]
(UPDATE: This Wreck has been claimed! Thanks to baker Alicia for being such a good sport.)
If you prefer to be shot through the heart, though, you could request the "V-neck special" slice from this Bon Jovi cake:
Don't get me wrong; those frosted highlights are totally rad, dude, but, like, where's his nose? And those stars of David - Oy vay! Get me some bad medicine, stat; this cake is giving more than love a bad name*.
Hmm. You know, I'm thinking this post just isn't Wrecky enough. [Virtually rifling through submissions] AHA!! Here we go:
The best part? It's called a "Macho Man Cake". [Cue the Village People] That's right: it's not an 8-year old boy; it's a MACHO man. Who waxes. And, er, drools black stuff. And likes to lay in a bed of mustard. And has some serious groin grooming issues. And - oh, you get the idea.
*Mini Wrecks contest: whoever works the most Bon Jovi song titles into their comment wins! Not an actual prize or anything, you know; just fame and glory. ;)
Reader Comments (154)
Is it just me, or is Jon Bon Jovi wearing a skort?
Selelcks chest hair looks like brown maggots....or ants.
Bon Jovi looks like he's wearing a skirt.
And the last guy? PEDOPHILE!!
Hallie
Lordy, every time I think the cakes can't get any worse--but they always do! Thanks for the early morning laugh!
That Tom Selleck cake is very good technically; it's just really damn scary.
I was going to say something about the "Macho Man" cake looking like an 8-year-old boy in lipstick, but it's too scary to post.
I think the creator of the Bon Jovi cake was intimidated by making hands, so they copped out and put one in the pocket of his denim skirt.
I only have on song title, but I think it sums up the entire post: Captain Crash And The Beauty Queen From Mars.
Is that a third nipple?
as done by Bon Jovi
Please, oh please, do not tell me someone *paid* for the "macho man" cake. What is that on the sheet... Nacho cheese?
(sorry, not a Bon Jovi fan, no lyrics)
Say it ain't so! That last cake is a Runaway poster child for Social Disease! (Did you see the "hair" coming out of the suit???) Raise Your Hands if you agree! What we need is some Justice in a Barrel, Billy Get your Guns!! I can't wait to Come Back... you Always have the greatest posts!!! Keep the Faith!
I thought that last one was a cake based on that operation game. Um...but I don't know any Bon Jovi songs. Was "Something for the Pain" Bon Jovi?
this macho man cake gave me a shot through the heart. i think his legs are to blame. judging by how skinny this mach man is, he's been livin' on a prayer, and not much else. he's not going down in a blaze of glory anytime soon. looks like he had some bad medicine. but, ya know, he'll be there for you! although i can't say he's wanted dead or alive.
I'm not even going to attempt the Bon Jovi challenge.
I loved Tom Selleck back in the day, but I never wanted to eat his chest hair.
That last one reminds me of the game Operation, except I think he's already dead, so maybe it's now called Autopsy. It looks like even Macho Man was embarrassed by his Cake Wreckiness and tried to slide off the board.
These cakes are living on a prayer but I guess I'll be there for them otherwise I will be forced to flee and be wanted, dead or alive. Any tres leches cakes? I hate those slippery when wet cakes, yuck.
Sambora!!!
This dude doesn’t look too "lucky”.
Maybe he was “wanted dead or alive” and was “shot through the heart” or he could have been playing “roulette” or taken some “bad medicine”. At any rate he is no longer “standing”. “Breathe” dude “breathe”! Well I don’t think he’s “alive”. I hope he has “no regrets”. Maybe he can send us “postcards from the wasteland”.
Macho Man? He might have had “secret dreams” of being “king of the mountain” Sounds like “all talk no action” to me – especially with that “social disease”!
That’s 14. *smiles*
Oh – love the Tom Selleck cake! The Bon Jovi one is well done too.
Your commentary is hilarious as usual! Thanks for the laughs!
Is it me, or does Jon Bon Jovi look like he's wearing a denim mini-skirt on that cake?
I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU when you blow out the candles on your next BLAZE OF GLORY. With any luck, you won't need to pass out IN THESE ARMS (or on a BED OF ROSES) after seeing what cakewreck you'll surely be presented with. But seriously, don't RUNAWAY! There's more terrible song titles for you to LAY YOUR HANDS ON in this comment! Voters, be sure to RAISE YOUR HANDS if you think DaveX is the pathetic winner here, and if he's LUCKY, there won't be any need to make the official count be STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN.
Oh, I wish I had a picture of the cake I ordered for a friend's bachelorette party back in 1994. It had a naked guy on it, covered only by a colored plastic Speedo. I was getting even with her for the gawd-awful bridesmaid dresses she picked out. Awful.
Ok, that Tom Selleck thing is way too awesome. I think I might get one for my mom for her b-day next year!
Did anyone else notice that the seams on Bon Jovi's jeans and jacket don't match up? Maybe it's a mini skirt with the zipper on the side seam? That, or his spine is broken, thusly able to rotate like old GI Joe dolls?
I have no Bon Jovi quotes to throw in, which disappoints me more than you know, but is that a denim mini skirt he's wearing?
Boy, that cake would go well with some Bitter Wine. It's just Crazy! Maybe instead of the stars of David, the cake could use a Bed of Roses. I guess we should be Lucky that he's at least got the vest on.
Days Like These, as well as Any Other Day, I could use a good laugh. This blog always makes me Come Back.
The Tom Selleck cake makes him look like he's Burning for Love.
(I would write more but I'm at work and time is precious!!)
that last cake...no way was it done by a professional. still hilarious. i think the black drool is supposed to be a cigarette. hilarious!
Does this Bon Jovi cake make my butt look big?
Why pink flowers on the Tom cake I wonder. Did you notice the board under is matching?
These cakes make me want to 'Runaway'.
Yeah, 1 reference. Pretty sad.
Yikes--how delightfully gag-worthy!!
I just discovered this blog; instantly subscribed to it--what fun!!
The one at the bottom there looks like either a blow up doll or the dude from Operation. Macho is not a word I use to describe either of these.
Well, I don't want to "Fall to the Fire" here, but those cakes were worse than "Bad Medicine" and "Bitter Wine". The last time I saw a cake even half as bad as these, it was "August 7, 4:15", and I was at the "Church of Desire".
I know I am new to the Cake Wrecks site - I'm just "A Stranger in this Town" - but "I Believe" I'd much rather be laying in a "Bed of Roses" with a "Diamond Ring" and "Living in Sin" than eat those cakes.
Maybe the baker was just "Misunderstood" - or maybe she was "Naked" and suffering from "Neurotica", but it would take a "Miracle" for someone to not "Runaway" at the sight of them! She must be "Livin' on a Prayer" if she thinks that anyone would touch these things!
Eating them would be like playing "Roulette".
Seriously! "I Want You" to "Raise Your Hands" if you would honestly eat these monstrosities!! "The Answer" is NO!! Tell me we're all "Undivided" in this!
Maybe "It's Just Me", but I need "Something for the Pain" just after looking at those "Ugly" things!
"Keep the Faith", my friends and never "Fear" - there will be cakes that are worse than these! This post is definitely not the "King of the Mountain". "Don't Lie to me" - you know that's true.
Well, I gotta "Bounce" because I have to go "Save the World", but remember that "Every Word was a Piece of my Heart". I "Never Say Goodbye", so.. until next time... Ciao!
Love, "Rosie": "The Queen of New Orleans".
I've been shot through the heart, and these cakes are to blame. I mean, I want them (dead or alive), but maybe a bed of roses would have been better than a bed of mustard. Maybe the groin-grooming problems are more of a social disease than anything else. But keep the faith, y'all - it's not like the cakes are bad medicine. Get ready, because even though these decorators are livin' on a prayer, their designs are gonna go down in a blaze of glory.
OMG, too funny! Guess these are cakes for decorators who refuse to wear hair nets???
I'm bad at the title work-in, so yeah - not even trying! LOL!
Say it isn't so. This cake is livin' on a prayer. I wouldn't want it dead or alive. Would you want to lay your hands on this? It gives cake a bad name. If you ever want to send this cake down in a blaze of (un)glory, I'll be there for you, always. I'd rather be living in sin on a bed of roses than pay money for this. Who says you can't go back to the store and return it? It's your life. In the meantime, I'll keep the faith that someone will destroy this monstrosity. Have a nice day!
"Get Ready", here comes the winner.
What a great contest! "You Really Got Me Now", or at least my interest. I didn't really want to spend time at work doing this but then I said "It's My Life" and "These Days" it's hard to find a good hairy cake or a good contest. Don't "Lie To Me", you know you want to "Lay Your Hands On..." Tom Selleck. Hopefully they didn't get any real hair in that cake though. We wouldn't want a "Social Disease" outbreak.
The decorator is going to have to "Make a Living Out of Loving You" because he/she may not get any good word of mouth "Without Love". Their business might just be "Livin On A Prayer". But I hope they don't "Say Goodbye" to the cake business.
"Raise Your Hand" and "Lay Your Hands On Me" if you think I won this contest of Bon Jovi wits and we'll celebrate "One Wild Night" by "Rockin In The Free World" and getting "Naked" and "Wild In The Streets" of this "Little City". We can "Bang a Drum" and "Let It Rock". But don't get too crazy or the cops might yell "Billy Get Your Guns" and they'll want us "Dead or Alive" and we may get "Shot Through The Heart". Then we'll be labeled a "Runaway". "Come Back" they'll say, "Never Say Goodbye". Or maybe we'll just be "Shot Through The Heart" and no kind of good or "Bad Medicine" will save us. But when we die, they'll lay us down in a "Bed of Roses" and tell eveyone to '"Keep the Faith", they went down in a "Blaze of Glory".'
I could go on for the "Next 100 Years", but I have work to do.
I Always Run To You* when I need a good laugh. However, these cakes make me want to Runaway*. I have Always* had Secret Dreams* of one day being a cake decorator, but, I Fear* it'd probably be a Miracle* if I didn't end up on Cake Wrecks myself. It is sure hard, These Days* to find a quality cake decorator. Okay.. I'm off, I will Come Back* soon!
*All Bon Jovi titles :P (Okay I know it kind of sucks but I thought I'd give it a go anyhow. Yes, I was looking at track listings, I am not THAT big of a fan
OMG!!! You made my morning! I laughed so hard I almost choked on my cereal! I really needed that laugh today. I just love your blog and read it every day.
Macho man? And here was I thinking it was a little boy with gigantic crotch worms and a habit of smoking licorice whips!
Your contest makes me wish I'd spent more (okay some) of my misspent youth listening to Bon Jovi albums.
Now if it was a Melissa Etheridge or Beatles or Jethro Tull contest...there I could be a serious contender.
Cakes of famous people may be popular, but I must admit they unnerve me slightly.
Besides, who wants to the one who gets the piece that's all Tom Sellick's chest hair? Not appetizing.
so many disturbing cakes, all at once!
the pink flowers around Tom are almost as bad as the extremely gross chest hair.
Bon Jovi looks like he's wearing a nice denim skirt. Either that, or he's put on a few. Something about the perspective in that one is not working for me at all.
And the macho man.... where to begin? So disturbing. So so disturbing. And what is that yellow stuff? shudder
That Tom Selleck cake was awesome! I'd get one for my mom's birthday if I could. The hair was only funny to me.
On the other hand, Bon Jovi's proportions really irk me. He's packing a whole lotta junk in the trunk for that tiny little head. And Macho Man gets a hefty bag of NO.
I'm totally not a squeamish person...okay, there was the time I saw the poster for the Testicle Festival in Montana (there's one phrase you thought you'd never Google). I also really like cake, but I don't think I could put a spork to any one of these!
These cakes are like bad medicine! Although, I am in and out of love with Tom Selleck. I might want to runaway with him! He gives love a bad name, indeed.
On the other hand, it's my life, right? I don't want to be livin' on a prayer forever. We could go down in a blaze of glory, cuz who says you can't go home, right? So let it rock! I'll be there for you, Tommy! Know that you are wanted dead or alive!
I must say that the Tom Selleck cake is truly excellently made, despite making me gag a little.
You'd think any Bon Jovi fan would be running "Wild in the streets" for a cake with their lead singer on it, but I think I'd be more likely to become a "Runaway" following this disaster. No, I'm sorry, "I Believe" this cake just has to be thrown "To The Fire" - or at least I "Fear" that if that cake was "In These Arms", it would be thrown to the fire.
The person who paid for this disaster will just have to put it down to bad luck, and"Blame It On The Love Of Rock n Roll". The cake maker on the other hand, if they have "A Little Bit Of Soul", will surely not be able to sleep at night, and will probably even admit, "Hey God", I'm shit at making Bon Jovi cakes. Either that or "Keep The Faith" and try again, if "That's What It Takes" to be a good Bon Jovi cake maker anyways. That being said, by the looks of things, this guy could make cakes for the "Next Hundred Years" and be "Just Older", as opposed to being 100 years older and being able to say to his customers "We Got It Going On" where Bon Jovi cakes are concerned. In this scenario, some cool Bon-Jovi-cake-wanting-dude will be able to say "I Want You" to make my bad ass BJ cake.
Well folks, thats all the BJ songs I can be bothered to come up with. I guess the cake maker just had a "This Left Feels Right" moment, when baking it at "7800 degrees Fahrenheit". (are there bonus points for album titles?!?!).
"Have a nice day".
16 songs
2 album titles
I'm not sure if that's a generic "macho man" or it that is not in fact the worst "Macho Man" Randy Savage that I have ever seen.
Those jeans make Bon Jovi's butt look big.
oh dear god. Hairy man's chest on a cake? eewwwwwww. No thanks. I just barfed in my mouth LOL
When I first saw these cakes I wanted to "Runaway", I felt like I had been "Shot Through the Heart", they were that terrible. But then I decided to "Come Back" and "Get Ready" to make some comments on the cakes.
Did the Macho Man cake have a "Breakout" or some sort or a "Social Disease" ....those are weird black marks on his body. I think "Only Lonely" people would find that attractive. They might even have "Secret Dreams" about eating Macho Man (ewwww).
The Tom Selleck cake is a pretty good rendition of him, actually. Tom Selleck is on my list, if you know what I mean. I'd love to say to him: "Lay Your Hands on Me". But the chest hair? "I Believe" that's taking it a bit too far. I "Fear" this cake will make me lose interest in Tom and I won't be a "Woman in Love" anymore.
My sister would love the Bon Jovi cake, she loves him. I "Blame It on the Love of Rock & Roll", because to me he's nothing special. But "These Days" you've got to have "Something to Believe In", and I guess Bon Jovi is better than nothing.
Now, don't "Lie to Me", you think the first 2 cakes are pretty good except for the chest hair. To be honest, the macho man would look better lying in a "Bed of Roses" rather than that ugly mustard stuff.
I want you to know that I check this blog "Everyday" and while some cakes may be "Misunderstood", I "Always" think the cakes are pretty awful wrecks. "I Am" glad I found ths blog.
"Have a Nice Day"
This was a Macho Man cake? Say It Isn't So! The baker must be Wanted Dead Or Alive for that monstrosity. Honestly, If That's What It Takes to mark the march of Father Time I think I’ve Misunderstood something. I just want to Runaway from that Damned thing. Please Lie To Me and tell me again how to Get Ready for a birthday? I mean Hook Me Up here, we all want The Answer. It must be to Breakout a dose of Bad Medicine Everyday and keep Livin' On A Prayer – that or set it afire in a Blaze Of Glory
Enh, I'm a bit too young to participate in the Bon Jovi goodness, but my first instinct on the "Macho Man" cake was that it was some kid's submission into the county fair (you know, based on the name card just above and to the left). Turns out it's not, but the "mustard" must be Cointreau.
Hairy cakes? "Say it isn't so"! Eww, I think I'll "Runaway" from that one. It's not "Everyday" you see pubic hair depicted in frosting. But could it be the intent is "Misunderstood"? Maybe it was meant for someone with a "Social Disease". Okay, stop laughing long enough to "Breathe", would you? :o)
(stupid, huh? LOL)
~Amy B
Is it just me or does the Bon Jovi cake make it look like he's wearing a denim skirt, 'cause wearing a 'sweater' AND a denim skirt, THAT'S hott!
I quite like the Tom Sellack cake... fun blog!