Mmmm, Chest Hair.
September 4, 2008 
Janet T. provided the best portrayal I've ever seen of Tom Selleck in icing. (Well, ok, technically it's also the only portrayal of Tom Selleck in icing I've seen.) But that chest hair -- egads! Looks like Emma will be having a very "Hairy" birthday indeed. [shudder]
(UPDATE: This Wreck has been claimed! Thanks to baker Alicia for being such a good sport.)
If you prefer to be shot through the heart, though, you could request the "V-neck special" slice from this Bon Jovi cake:
Don't get me wrong; those frosted highlights are totally rad, dude, but, like, where's his nose? And those stars of David - Oy vay! Get me some bad medicine, stat; this cake is giving more than love a bad name*.
Hmm. You know, I'm thinking this post just isn't Wrecky enough. [Virtually rifling through submissions] AHA!! Here we go:
The best part? It's called a "Macho Man Cake". [Cue the Village People] That's right: it's not an 8-year old boy; it's a MACHO man. Who waxes. And, er, drools black stuff. And likes to lay in a bed of mustard. And has some serious groin grooming issues. And - oh, you get the idea.
*Mini Wrecks contest: whoever works the most Bon Jovi song titles into their comment wins! Not an actual prize or anything, you know; just fame and glory. ;)
Reader Comments (154)
Lucky Emma! That's one delicious nest of birthday worms to dig into there. Unless Tom Selleck gets to 'em first.
P.L. Frederick (http://smallandbig.blogspot.com/" REL="nofollow">Small & Big)
My first laugh in the morning. I love the last one.
Love your site.
Oh! Zoom in on Macho Man cake and see how it's right shoulder area has been patched back together. It looks like there's red (blood?) under his left arm, too.
Cointreau Dark Chocolate Cake by Catering By Design (sign next to it) is something I 'll be wary of for the rest of my life!
Thanks for the laughs!
I have to agree with the majority ... Bon Jovi is definitely wearing a skort.
But the Macho Man cake seems to have somewhat of an explanation. If you look closely, it seems the tag next to it says Cointreau Dark Chocolate Cake. I'm guessing the - ahem - chef (and I use that term loosely) drank a little bit too much of that Cointreau while decorating, got "creative", and it ended as the tragic icing accident you see before you.
speedos are so not macho. i pity the person who got that slice!
I refuse to believe that last one is a cake!! It looks like a ginormous wad of silly putty that some kid who needs severe counseling drew a person onto. The more I look at it, the more disturbing it is!!!The facial features are quite feminine. The raging pubes and third nipple speak for themselves... When you look close (if you dare!) you see several large cracks, like someone dropped it. I love the expertly drawn fingers and toes! Seriously, macho?! This can't possibly be professionally made. I think someone forgot to take their meds...
Um...I don't like body hair in my food, icing or not. Blech!
I think that looks a lot more like Corey Feldman than Jon Bon Jovi. Hmmm. Crossover cakes! Yummy!
my aunt would love the hairy chested tom selleck.
That Tom Selleck cake is amazing. I mean it, if I don't get one for my next birthday, heads will roll!!!
I think the Selleck-cake's design is awesome. The array of daisies transforms it into some sort of 60's latin-lounge masterpiece. I would have been honored to get this cake for my birthday.
I am literally LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF (lmao...just didnt cut it this time) reading these comments. My children are staring at me questioningly...but what else is new! :O)
I think macho man got shot in the family jewels and the brown goo oozing out of his mouth and out of his speedo is supposed to be blood. It might explain why he's lying down looking like a corpse. That's far more palatable than unkempt groin hair! This cake is disgusting on so many levels... Perhaps that third nipple is an additional gunshot wound...
Cheers to Jen. This site makes me laugh till I cry :)
There seems to be something wrong (to me anyway) about Tom Sellek on a cake with pretty peach and pastel green flowers... The Bon Jovi cake just makes me laugh. I haven't been able to take him seriously in years (since he tried acting), but the fact that he is noseless, neckless, wearing a skirt and apparentley Jewish on this just make sit all the more comical. I don't really know what to say on the last one other than the fact that the decorator needs help if he thinks there is anything macho about that cake *shudder*
what? no one ever thought to bake a Magnum P.I.-E?
LOL, my mom loves Tom Selleck. I wonder if the local Walmart bakery will make me a copy of that cake for her next birthday? ;)
hey cake looks yummy!!
What disturbs me about the "macho man" cake (aside from the pubic hair, you have to wonder WHAT is going on in there???) is that it looks like excess flesh just oozing out from the outline of him...ugh.
Selleck is undressing us with his eyes and frigtening us with his profuse chest hair. Seriously. I have to keep looking at his eyes to see if they follow me across the room.
Macho Man: I didn't know one could commission a cake that looks like a blow-up doll, but there he is.
Oh my...macho man and his issues cracked us up here today. Said my husband, "I was wondering when police stopped using chalk to outline dead bodies and started using mustard."
I mean, bless his heart...his outlines all ran and then he slid nearly off his aluminum foil bed.
wow.
I have seen the Tom Selleck cake before. It pretty much wins :-) You know you've hit the top when you're immortalized in icing!
I think the Tom Selleck one is awesome.
The third one is pretty awful
Where's Jon's neck? Looks like they ran out of room...lol
ohh my God !
The Tom Selleck cake isn't that Wreck-y--I mean, it's executed well. The horror is that someone wanted that cake.
However, the Macho Man cake more than makes up for it. I don't know what's wrong with that Macho Man, but I think it might be fatal. (Also, darn it, I have "Macho Man" stuck in my head now....)
Oh my goodness, you don't even know how hard you make me laugh. Like I can hardly breathe, I'm lauging so hard. I love your description on the last cake. The laying in mustard, grooming issues, ahh! Actualy TEARS are coming out of my eyes from laughter. The best blog ever.
You should definitely just show case this masterful blog to some magazine. It's beyond entertaining. Egads-thanks for teaching me a new expression! Moreover, how shameful of the cake makers. That's rather disturbing. eww.
point-blank,ew.
-amanda decosta.
I think the Tom Selleck cake is more of an "Odd Topic for Cake Decoration" than a wreck. If I was Tom Selleck's biggest fan, I'd be pleased as punch to taste that frosting chest hair. The cake decorator should be praised for taking a crazy request and making something good-looking out of it. :)
that last one is just wrong...WRONG I SAY!!! I have sooo enjoyed reading your blog...thanks for the laughs!!
Amy
I feel like I've had a brush with nearly-almost-fame, having gone to high school with the Tom Selleck cake decorator (where she was already known as an incredible artist.)
As a matter of fact, I recognized the cake as hers before I read that she'd already claimed it! I was so psyched to send it to her on facebook, too.
Gahaha, love the first cake! I know so many people who would DEMAND a chest-hair slice. The flowers make it even better.
The second one...wait. Wait a second. Last time I checked, Bon Jovi had a neck, didn't he?
The Tom Selleck cake is awesome! Heck... Tom Selleck is awesome! I would love that cake for my birthday. The decorator did a fantastic job. When you think of Tom...you think chest hair and mustache and she definitely nailed that image perfectly!!!
Ha! I happen to be watching a rerun of "Friends" and Tom Selleck was ON SCREEN when I saw the cake. Bwahahaha!
My 8 yr old son said,
"It looks like worms are in his underpants"
I wouldn't mind having a "piece" of Tom Selleck...lol. She did a fantastic job! Love the chest hair. Best cake ever!
Jon Bon Jovi's chest hair looks like it's flipping someone off.
I would totally love that tom seleck cake! it's cheesy, but looks pretty good. :)
Meg
The "Macho Man" cake looks more like an Operation cake. All that's missing is the red nose. The Crappy Cake for Dippy Doctors!
Ohhh, I thought it was a Burt Reynolds cake...
Aww... I think the Tom Selleck one is pretty good, actually! It's probably exactly what they requested, and the baker can't help that. She did a great job giving the customer what they wanted!
Now Macho Man, on the other hand...
OH MY GOD I JUST SAW WHO HAD THE TOM SELLECK CAKE!!!
She's friends with one of my friends!!!
OH MY GOD I'M IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO WRECKAGE!!
Or rather, a friend of a friend got the TRIBUTE Tom Selleck cake! holy crap!
Actually, I looove that Tom Selleck cake. XD I'm amazed that the baker was able to get the likeness of Tom so well in icing! And I for one think the chest hair part is just silly enough to work.
I wasn't even old enough to be a Tom Selleck fangirl when magnum pi was on tv, but it still makes me squee just a bit when I see that cake. XD He can make even us young spring chickens a little happy, I suppose. hahaha
LMAO, I actually have a family member who would probably laugh hard if she got this cake for her bday. She used to babysit me when I was a baby and tell my mom how she was going to get me addicted to Tom by watching Magnum PI with her. XD It instantly made me think of her.
My name is Emma, and this actually really freaked me out when I saw it....all I could think was 'No! Nooooo! *quickly scrolls away from the horror*'
Today's my birthday; it's cakes like these that make me very glad I have my mom and friends to make my cake, I know it's in good, capable hands.
Oh no... you've already seen the Tom Selleck cake (although, how could you not have?)
I found that one awhile back when I googled him. All I have to say is
chest hair on a cake?
VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT
it terrifies me.
Totally cool how the Selleck cake background decoration matches the cake board.
That tom sellick cake looks pretty& sexy--I mean, that 'stache?! Those flowers?! I REALLY REALLY want one of these, and would happily pay lots of money for it! The girl who had a friend make it for her is one lucky lassie!
Ok I'm gonna Bang the Drum to announce my personal attempt at a Blaze of Glory as I try to be Superman Tonight and use the most Bon Jovi songs, if only to Make a Memory.
I say make No Apologies for that Tom Selleck cake... These Days I'm Burning for Love with that Miracle of a man on my mind. I think I might just Runaway to Mr. Selleck's house so I can join him on a Bed of Roses as we thoroughly enjoy Living in Sin. Hey, It's My Life!
On the other hand, Mr. Waxman can't even remember When We Were Beautiful, as his Ugly limp body cries out from the cake board, "Are you Happy Now? Give me Something for the Pain!!!" (like a Bullet). Mr. Waxman, I would love to tell you to Keep the Faith, that you're only Misunderstood... but I wouldn't want you to Lie to Me either, and this is Real Life, so I gotta Say It Isn't So.
Well I Make No Apologies at this shameless stretch of "words put to lyrics", I know I'm Livin' on a Prayer with this one for sure. Well, as Always, Have a Nice Day!
Mustard bed outline
reveals third leg's existence,
Yeti-sized noggin.