BEAR VAGINAS FOR EVERYBODY!
June 25, 2015 Everyone's going nuts this week about the baby shower cake with bear vaginas on it.
Not bare vaginas, mind you; BEAR vaginas:
;)
See?
ENHANCE!
;)
The bakery claims those are NOT vaginas, of course; they're "seams."
Crotch seams.
On teddies.
For a christening.
[ ... ]
[side eye]
;)
Hey, don't look at me. My lips are sealed.
But I have no doubt the truth will soon be laid bear bare.
In addition to making an otherwise great cake, the bakery also gave the irate mom some flowers to cover the bear-y baby cannons*, so when push comes to shove, I say we cut them some slack. Sure, it might rub you the wrong way, but remember: sometimes this kind of reproduction can really hit the spot.
[*"Baby cannons" is my new favorite euphemism. THANKS, INTERNET.]
A standing ovulation for all of you who sent in this article. Thanks for all the hooing and hawing!
*****
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Reader Comments (57)
Hey, at least it was a girl baby. (Consider the plethora of "wangs" displayed on this site)
(edit that to "dangle-wangs)
Cannons works. Although... I think it might be better suited for the boy bears...y'know? AIM, and shoot...? Anyway, the girls bears have-as you've already pointedly pointed out- seams. See ya later; I get to laughing too hard and I need to run to the seamstress' room. =^~.-^=
Wouldn't bear-y baby "canyon" be better than beary-y baby cannon?
People just gotta have something to complain about. And if they'd kept their dirty thoughts to themselves, no one would have gotten this great post ;)
"Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had" .........AW YOU KNOW!!!
Sorry can't resist myself!
😄😝😜😛😋
I was just reading about this on STFU Parents. I couldn't help but laugh. Did you see the response from the bakery? That was great!
Yep - I see why mom irate. The seam claim is odd when no where else are there seams. Even newer bears have seams on arms and legs...
Guess she was thinking seams and got "steamy" in head and that's why she stopped?
Worse is this is a really nice cake otherwise.
"Baby cannon" is now an official part of my vernacular. ROTFLOL!!
Oh Jen, you continue to amaze me with your gift of great puns. And of course your ability to find new euphemisms on the internet.
But did you se it after the pink flowers were added, because those looked WAY More like bear vaginas than they had any right to... Not that I've seen any bear vaginas to compare the flowers to... Alright, this is getting weird. Sorry.
usually I can come up with a witty comment... today I am speechless. (and I don't know what the reference to baby cannons means)... but maybe just keep me in the dark I've had enough trauma for one day. ;)
Hilarious!!! You guys seriously crack me up. The cakes are just a bonus!!!
why would the seam be ONLY in the crotch area? why would the customer not make sure the covering flowers were attached before leaving the shop the second time?
I'm sure the cake tasted great! :D
Aaauuuuuuuuugh! Can never unsee teddy bear vaginas!!!!
Why didn't they just extend the seams up the rest of the torso?
What bothers me more is that no one involved knows their female anatomy. The vagina is internal; the external part of the female genitalia is the vulva.
I do wish there were like buttons for these comments! Leaving this page because I have to find the cake with flowered bear seams.
My question is...can't decorators SEE these things? At least if it's a "seam" run it all the way up the middle to the neck. I have sewn actual Teddy bears before...the seam doesn't stop at the crotch. Then add other seams so that they all seem like seams. Otherwise leave the Teddies crotchless.
I agree that if it was indeed a seam, it should have gone all the way up the front of the bear. As it was, all the mother had to do was moisten the tip of a knife and smooth it over. Presto! Gone.
I think the person who made the bear torsos put in cracks for little bear butts - bare bear butts. Then, when it was time to put them on the cake, they decided that bears mooning guests was inappropriate. Not wanting to remake the torsos, they turned them around, thinking that the legs would hide it. Or they did put on bears with bare bear butt cracks but they got carried away when making the cracks.
This is funny, but you know that the seam is not the vagina, right? The vagina is internal and not shown. The proper name for women’s outer genitals is the vulva. And the skin folds are called labia. Some how with every one saying vagina, people don't know the real names for women's body parts.
That's a bear vagina? Looks more like a camel to me.
At least they weren't poo bear-y baby cannons. Gril power!
Not to be nit picky, but those are vulvas. The vagina is the inside tube part and is not viewable without some sort of scope. The kind that make pelvic exams so fun. So there you are! Bear vulvas! With brazilians!
Not to be too picky about terminology, but improper use of words leads to confusion like the above poster who asked if baby canyon would be more appropriate. The vagina is shaped like a cannon. The labia (which is what "seams" to be showing) is more canyon like. The labia are also referred to as lips and are part of the vulva (I.e. the parts of the hoo ha you can see without any special tools. Now I hope to see some dirty jokes about labia/lips and vulvas in the future and no more of this vagina misuse or I'll be forced to make you a cake that really does have a vagina on it! Maybe I'll do that anyway. My fellow midwifery friends would find it amusing.
Too bad about the seams (or whatever they are) because the cake is really cute.
Other than that it is a cute cake.
@ Genevieve - I've also seen the cake with the flowers added, and it's worse. The pink! flowers just draw even more attention to that...spot.
I'm going with the "some people try very hard to be offended" rule here.
Technically, those are vulvae (plural of vulva) and on a bear's anatomy, it would be more...never mind. JUST GET TO THE JOKES ALREADY!
So the baker...were they Brazilian?
I thought it was just my gutter mind that saw the "seams" as a beargina, so I showed my 13 year old daughter. Her eyes popped and she said "Why did they put privates on a cake?"
I have a feeling the flowers just accentuated the problem.
It took me a minute to understand what a baby cannon is. And I have a very dirty mind. I need to work in my euphemisms.
What I don't understand . . . the mother claimed she couldn't serve the cake and had to replace it. Why didn't she just take the bears off if they were so offensive??? *smh*
Hey, vulva people. REALLY??
Wow. It's been a while since we've had an Epcot (which my phone tried to change to Epbot, because priorities). Do we even have a key to the bunker anymore?
Hmmm. So, a teddy bear with her vulva showing isn't really offensive, especially to a 3 year old, but that is certainly an odd place for a seam! Rather than hiding their shame with flowers, couldn't the baker (or patron) have just...ummm..."smoothed out" the "seam"? Or just remove the bears? There was nothing wrong with the cake. Who would let a perfectly good cake go to waste because of some unclothed bears? I don't think those bears need vulvas, but the person who purchased the cake could use a better sense of humor.
Firstly, she needs biology lessons. As we all know, vaginas are inside the body, and require special equipment for looking at. If the bear figures "showed" anything, it would be the labia. Secondly, she's totally wacked out. That's a beautiful cake with totally inoffensive bears. She's making a whole lot of noise about nothing.
This post has been everywhere and i really don't think it should be. There is another picture of this cake out there and there are flowers attached to the bears in that very spot. Its obvious that the person who got the cake took the flowers off and then claimed that they had vaginas. If you've ever worked with fondant/ gum paste you'd know that they would have probably needed to be scored before they attached the flowers, hence the mark.
Actually if you are sewing something,, the way the "seam" is shown should more properly be called a dart. This may lead more paths to wander down than anyone wants to take however.
Surely it's boy babies who have "baby cannons." Girl babies have "baby canyons."
Sorry about that.
It's a beautiful cake but but it's definitely not a seam. Seams join pieces of fabric. If it were a seam it would go all the way to the neck.
Thing is, I have had exactly the same problem when I did one of my plush-toy projects (https://www.flickr.com/photos/jpolowin/2487604355/in/photostream/). It was an artifact of trying to turn slightly-too-stiff 2D fabric into a curved 3D object by cutting out a dart and then stitching the seam. It came out looking like... well, that. If the bears were made from a sheet of fondant, and the dart that was cut out wasn't quite large enough for the interior being covered, I can see how that "seam" would appear.
But the problem was easy to fix. That it wasn't fixed is sloppy work. The claim that it was intentional is absurd.
Can we all just agree that "vagina" and "cake" just don't really belong together. Butter and cream, chocolate and vanilla, fluffy and bunny- they go together but anytime "vagina" and "cake" are forced together, it WILL end badly. Oh! Very badly.
What the hell alternate universe are we living in?
Believe it or not, some teddy bears have little short seams up the front ... just a bit (the stitching is hidden inside). Please see the bear at the following url: http://www.amazon.com/Build-Bear-Autumn-2007-unstuffed/dp/B000U2H56K.
Looks perfectly normal on a fuzzy teddy bear. Looks just a bit strange on a fondant bear. I'm wondering if the baker was going for a bit too much detail to match to a teddy bear (as if no one would figure out it was a teddy bear without the seam).
I can't quite get over the buyers hysteria, though. She must have told her guests about the "crease" as it was covered with suggestive flowers by the time folks got to the reception. All that said, it sure doesn't look like a christening cake, now does it? Baby shower, 1st birthday....sure, but christening? I think not.
At least it gave folks some chuckles. And I do have to say that the cake is very nicely decorated, and I may have been a bit quizzical about the crease...and looked up images of teddy bears, and said, "Oh, well".
I'm all for declaring an Epcot on the body-part correction. Anybody else with me? (besides the first person who mentioned it...uh oh, we could have had an Epcot on an Epcot!).
LOL, ScaperMama!! Start chanting: EPCOT! EPCOT! EP--(you get where this is headed...) And (@wordphreak, wasn't it Shakespeare who said something about a lot of "sound and fury, signifying nothing"? Well, there you go. (WHERE, is anyone's guess...look where we are!) =^~.~^=
Has anyone read the response to the woman written by the baker? He uses just enough surprised outrage to make me wonder if he really IS clueless. Hard to see the dark side is.
I took "baby cannons" to refer to babies being "shot out" when they are born, and having to be caught. Men's baby cannons create the babies, women's get them into the world. :-)
I would have removed the teddy bears and replaced the blank spots with Bibles, or something of the ilk. The cake was too beautiful not to be used!
Lol!! Hubby saw this post and then the comment on baby cannons and now I cannot stop the hysterical laughter lmao. Thank you I really, really needed it after the week we have been having. Wow. I never thought of vaginas as baby cannons before but I sure will now lol.
What an education on both the cake representation of a feminine cake and here in the comments as to actually what was depicted.
I shudder to think what a boy's christening cake would look like if the baker must make a beautiful gender specific cake, as he has no problem with the feminine representation.
I believe Rachel CrazyMuml 's child had it right, "privates" - I believe they should remain so.
As stated previously, just smooth out the "seam" and all is well.
Forget the labial "seams" (if you can) -- Why are the legs so phallic, hmmm?