More Confessions of a Master Baker
May 16, 2014 Welcome to another installment of...
Confessions of a Master Baker!
"Ordinary bakers. Extraordinary feats of bad judgment."
[baker's silhouette speaking in disguised voice]
"So then," [blowing nose] "Then I told my husband to just bring me more plastic flowers, but we were OUT OF PLASTIC FLOWERS."
;)
"I still have nightmares about brown sugar and chocolate shavings."
[whispering] Confessions...
"They said they wanted 'Starry Night.' Everyone knows Starry Night, right? So I drew it from memory.
;)
"Turns out I don't know Starry Night."
[whispering] Telling Secrets...
"What can I say? I panicked. I grabbed the can of silver spray..."
;)
"... and told the bride it was Art Deco!"
[whispering] Declarations...
"I thought a fondant ribbon down the side would distract from the lopsidedness.
;)
"... Which it did. So I guess, you know, that worked."
[whispering] Professions, but not in a job-like way...
"How hard is it to throw a few rose petals on a cake?"
;)
"Easier than dodging a whole wedding cake, that's for sure."
Thanks to Pat J., Erin R., Anony M., Lauren H., & Natalie W., who I hear is really quick on her feet.
*****
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Reader Comments (36)
Golden Easter eggs
sinking to the ocean floor,
there to rot in peace.
Out of fake flowers?
You know what does just as well?
Shredded tire treads.
Sung to "Starry Night"
Scary, scary sight
Brown sugar and chocolate, shaved
Memory that has betrayed
Van Gogh cake didn't really meet my goal.
Silver on the swirls
Next time, no drapes, I'll use pearls
I got frosting in my curls
Those rose petals did not work out as planned.
Now, please understand
What I tried to bake, and see
How I heard all your profanity
And how you hurled your cake at me
You didn't listen, you just beat my brow
Perhaps you'll listen now...
Sung to "Bad Blood" by Bastille
Fondant ribbons on an ugly cake
What's a baker to do?
They said they'd make me something good
But how was I to know?
For these are the cakes that made us never
order a custom cake again, never...
All these rose petals, on the cake they lie...
The baker was drunk, and deserves to die...
I don't wanna deal with all the bad cakes anymore
I don't wanna grab the cans of spray paint anymore...
All these bad cakes here, won't you let them lie
The baker was drunk, and deserves to die...
Son, those cakes are worse than a dead marmoset and a pre-school dance recital.
You've got to know what your 'THING' is, and you've got to call it a 'THING,' whether it's dead flowers, falling tiers, spray paint, arrogance, lack of talent, falling lemon missiles or incompetence. EVERYBODY’S got a 'THING,' and once you call your 'THING' a 'THING,' we can give that THING a NAME, child and call it a wreck.
Iyanla Vanzant
Proudly made by the first graduates of the Bad Enough Baking School!
* * * * * *
A few words about yesterday…. I thoroughly enjoyed Sharyn’s post, laughed like a hyena, and had no intention of posting. Then I looked at the comments, and there’s @milbrit wondering what I’m going to say in response. And then @Carol wonders the same thing (and later others echoed that, adding that there was, of course no pressure…. It was like a flash mob gathering in slow motion….). Right. All I could hear in my head was that song by Queen, “Under Pressure.” I was totally unprepared. As they say in literary circles, I was caught with my pens down….
The answer, such as it was, came from Mr. Potato, Head Counsel. But the best part came when I got home later in the day and saw that Sharyn had written a reply to Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, in the comments section. This resulted in another response from Mr. Potato.
So, thanks, @milbrit for starting that, and thanks, @lisadh for your support, and a huge thanks to Sharyn for not only writing an exceptionally clever post, but also for playing along so brilliantly! And, as always, a deep thank you to Jen and john(thoJ) for not only creating and continuing the best humor site anywhere but also for their graciousness in allowing me to run amok here.
The "B" cake would have been fine...until the silver spraying. I bet the bride asked for it to match the "B" topper. Now "B" stands for "Blech."
I know there will be at least one other version of "Vincent." today, and I know it will be better than this.
Because, Sharyn.
But here it goes:
Wrecky, wrecky cake
Made for this fine wedding day
What will the poor couple say
When they see the mess that you have made?
Place flowers as you will
Wilted roses, daffodils
That top tier will take a spill
The bridal party knows where it will land
I don’t understand
Why you own a bakery
I’m really questioning your sanity
Your cakes are overpriced at free
You should not make cakes, you do not know how
Please get a new job now.
For you have no talent
Your cakes they just won’t do
And there is no hope left in sight
No, that’s not the “Starry Night.”
Please go away, your frosting looks like poo
I could have told you baker
This craft was never meant for one as talent-free as you
Please tell me all these people got refunds. I hope ugly cakes TASTE really good - but somehow I doubt it.
Thanks to Sharyn, I know have little gooey bits of Doritos embedded in my keyboard.
Silver and Gold by Hurl Hives (lesser known cousin to Burl Ives)
Silver and Gold
Chocolate and Mold
Every cake looks like it’s leaning and old
Pink ribbon looks like Afterbirth
Just why did you inflict this on Earth?
Plastic is Faux
Botched a Van Gogh, people look like they could scream
Bakers sold abomination on every wreck I see!
Sharyn and Haiku joy bwahahaha :D the "starry night cake" van goh is rolling over in his grave D:
I kinda feel like you get what you deserve when you ask a grocery store to give you starry night...
Www.Cakeottawa.Com/Images/Big/Starrynight.jpg
SuBee's line "Your cakes are overpriced at free" made me grin.
@TheCreepyTribble_ BWAHAHAHAHA! Love that song and CW, and now they finally come together!
We don't need wrecked wedding cake to live, and we don't need it as a society. Until we remove these unhealthy and offensive treats from our list of wedding traditions we will continue to endanger both our physical health and our
mental health.
I LIKED the fondant ribbon down the side of the cake.
Very Frank Gehry.
It is absolutely possible to make a beautiful van gogh cake, I had one amde in a bakery in ottawa canada. She used icing as her medium and it looked awesome.
I tried posting the link but it doesnt go through. The company is called cake addiction
Zeze cakes have no vaginas, yet zey are all still wrrrrecks.
In other news How to Make a Van Gogh into a Van Noooooo!!
To the tune of "Scarlet Ribbons":
I peeked in to check my work,
And when I saw the wreak I'd baked,
I fixed it up with fondant ribbons,
fondant ribbons on my cake.
All the tiers were slightly tilted,
I smudged the big one by mistake,
But all that's hid by fondant ribbons,
fondant ribbons on my cake.
Through the time my cake was baking,
I'm sure someone's heart was breaking
There they lie, just down one side,
In pink confusion tangles make,
I left a trail of fondant ribbons,
yes, fondant ribbons, on my cake.
If I live to be a hundred,
I will never choose to bake,
Another wreak with fondant ribbons,
Fondant ribbons on my cake...
(Actually, as wreaks go, that was a mild one, but I couldn't get the tune out of my head.)
The Bad Blood parody had me laughing so much I scared my kids. TheCreepyTribble, you are HEE-LARIOUS.
While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation. From wilted flowers to plastic flotsam, from silver spray paint to tilted cake tiers, from Vincent Van Gogh to some guy with a piping bag and some frosting - All are creations of God. Proof that He sometimes messes up.
Wow! Wonderful stuff today! Hats off to @Haiku Joy, @Sharyn, @TheCreepyTribble, @SuBee, @Sandy. I can see it now: Cake Wrecks, The Musical, with poignant interludes by Haiku Joy.
How did it feel when you learned you were a cake wreck?
@Seabird: well done! (one of my favorite Kingston Trio songs.....)
I can decorate a better cake. From the moon. With just my thoughts.
In a hole in the ground there lived a cake wreck.
Wow, @Sandy! I could hear ol' Hurl himself singing in his deep bass voice. Lovely.
I am surprised that (so far) no one has mentioned the disembodied hand next to the heads on the Starry Night cake. Waving for help? Asking the baker to STOP? Waving away the knife that will cut off the earlobes of the people on the cake?
YOU get a wreck and YOU get a wreck and YOU get a wreck …
Sue Bee, I hope you write song parodies for a living - you could!
"I don't understand
why you own a bakery...."
Mopping up exhaled beverage....
Wow at the comments lmao. I would run after the baker in the first picture. That cake looks like spiders are crawling on it! Eeeeek.
The first cake looks like it was being carried out for delivery while someone was cleaning the gutters, and all the gutter gunk ended up on the cake.
As for the rest: smh. . . .
Whoever is posting as famous people: You rock! "Oprah" and "Tolkien" made me giggle like my 10-year-old niece on a sugar high!