You Might Be A Wreckerator If...
September 7, 2012 Bakers, do you worry that you, too, might be a wreckerator?
Well, have no fear, pastry pros! There are plenty of warning signs to look for:
You Might Be A Wreckerator If....
- ...you consider "happy" a four-letter word.
;)
;)
;)
- ...your cakes have more plastic on them than frosting.
- ...when you say, "I could just eat you up!" to a baby, you really mean it.
"It's...looking at me."
"Ugly little spud, isn't it?"
"I think it can hear you, Ray."
- ...cupcake cakes are your "specialty."
- ...your family crest says, "Spell check is for loosers."
- ...you like to watch CSI for the design inspiration.
- ...you not only know what this is, you think it's well done:
- ...you're frequently asked what time the earthquake hit.
- ...you pride yourself on following customer requests to the letter:
And finally, you might be a wreckerator if...
...you have to ban photography in your bakery to stop your cakes from showing up on Cake Wrecks.
(I get the e-mails, folks; I know you're out there!)
Thanks to Kimber, Amy S., Lori M., Carrie M., Whitney, Mary Rose, Liz, Joshua S., Stephanie B., Lisa R., & JR, who think it'd make more sense to just hire better bakers, but that's why they're not "good" management material.
So what'd I miss, guys? Share your favorite "you might be a wreckerator if..." in the comments, and maybe I'll pick some to feature in a future post. You know, if they're funny. Or say nice things about me. I'm also not above bribery. And I like Whoopie Pies. (Mmmmm, whoooopie piiiiies...)
Reader Comments (122)
You might be a wreckerator if correct grammar is "optional".
At least those balloons look like they are floating as opposed to.. er... 'swimming'...
I had a similar reaction to the last one - very funny, and probably deserved.
If only this post came yesterday, when it was Jeff Foxworthy's birthday! (Thank you, "Pooch Cafe.")
1-3: It boggles my mind that the wreckerators got 'Birthday' right (even if the second is BiRThday), but couldn't manage 'Happy'.
4: Clowns and ballerinas and clowns and flowers and clowns and...wait. WHAT is going on inside those bells?
5: So, we all know what Turducken is, but what do you call it when a cornish game hen is stuffed inside a baby?
6: If those two yellow cupcakes on the top left were on the right side, I'd have said it looks like Pac-Man eating a ghost....while floating in the ocean....with sperm whales...and rubber duckies....
7: I am at a loss for snark.
8: Yup, everything looks about right...*herk* Heh. I dont' know why, but I'm loving the arm stumps. If you're gonna do arm stumps, best go all the way with it, I say.
9: Hee, Sharyn. That was my thought process on the Eye of Sauron (with Mickey ears), too. Looks like after the fall, the Eye of Sauron got a make over by the Care Bears or something. He's now a rainbow-ish colored eye with fluffy fashion accessory 'ears'.
10: I have the sudden urge to purchase a bidet....
You might be a wreckerator if....
you keep losing your scissors...INSIDE the cakes!
You miight be a wreckerator if:
1. You send your love and "congradulashuns" to your first "wife"
2. You go to another bakery and find a cake just like yours. When you get upset and ask why they copied it, they tell you, "a customer asked for it because they saw it on Cake Wrecks". (Yes, a customer at our local Smith's asked for the Deer/Fire cake, and the decorator knew what it was because she loves Cake Wrecks.)
3. The cake you delivered wasn't quite what the bride had in mind.
4. Your cake could quite possibly get your client fired for sexual harassment if actually taken to the work function it was ordered for.
5. Your cake celebrates some of the less common achievements in life. Lke dropping out of high school. And herpes. And...never mind.
6. Decorative carrots are never quite complete without those little jockeys riding on them
@Sharyn -- I love that song, and now, I like your version better!
...if the following inquiry has never passed your lips: "Now, you may not be aware of this, but those initials will spell *bleep*. Are you sure you want them on the cake?"
I thought the Eye of Sauron was a beach ball, but really, Eye of Sauron is much more accurate (good catch, Sharon!).
You might be a wreckerator if you flunked spelling. Or art. Or spelling and art.
By the end of the entry, I was hearing the words come out in Jeff Foxworthy's voice.
You might be a wreakerator if . . .
1. . . . you think that it is possible to replicate a design in fondant using buttercream. (Either that, or you're a really good baker!)
2. . . .you think that the best way to immortalize the beauty of a belly swollen with new life is in cake form.
3. . . .you know of at least five different ways to use the heart-shaped pan that's SUPPOSED to be for Valentine's cakes.
You might be a wreakerator who deserves a visit from the health inspector if . . .
. . . you think that once a decade is MORE than often enough to change the display cakes!
I had one involving the torso cakes, but I kind of disturbed myself with that one and thought better of it, heh . . .
You might be a wreckorator if
your professional experience is taking the Wilton courses offered at your local craft store.
I completely missed the appearance of the bottle on the baby cake AND the fact that the body looks like a leftover Thanksgiving turkey cake because I was completely obsessed with trying to figure out if the head was put on backwards. Yes, I honestly think the poor baby was caught in the throes of one of those Linda Blair head spinning moments. The hands may even have the palms facing out as well.
Luckily, the distraction of the baby cake made my mind drop the horror of the clown cake.
Thank you for that "Eye of Sauron" interpretation for #9! Until then I was seeing, uh, something else...
...that I'm too embarassed to admit now.
I am laughing so hard at these cakes (?) I wonder how many people lost their jobs as a result of these.
Am I the only one who thinks that clown flotsam cake is almost as creepy as the undead baby cake? Yikes...
Sharyn, That's exactly what I thought- The Eye of Sauron went to Disneyland!
You might be a wreckorator if you....
Dip perfectly nice looking strawberries in nasty imitation strawberry filling before sloppily slapping them onto frosting...
If you take out your passive aggressive tendencies by using "quotes" on your unsuspecting customers cakes to spite their celebrations...all because you still live in your moms basement and have no one to "congradulate" you for your "achievements"
If you have have a passion to teach people about conception and human anatomy but couldn't afford medical school
If you drink brawndo because its what plants crave.....
To be fair, the last one WAS funny. Mission complete.
Not only did I see the baby as a chicken, and the head as backwards, but the "eyelids" look more like blank eyeballs to me. Stephen King never came up with anything as scary as that baby cake. About the only thing that could make it more horrifying is if the baby was wearing clown makeup. *shudder* The headless, legless, armless torso was bad enough, but the arms look as though they've been freshly amputated. On the plus side, it *almost* draws your eyes away from the internal organs on display. Almost.
If you think that apostrophes, quotation marks and other punctuation marks should be thrown onto a cake with abandon, you might be a wreckerator. Conversely, if you neglect to use any at all, you also might be a wreckerator.
If you have seen people tilt their heads back and forth when looking at one of your cakes, or conferring with their friends while pointing at it, you might be a wreckerator.
If you think that Darth Vader, Spiderman, Cinderella, and fire trucks all on one cake make logical sense, you might be a wreckerator.
If everything that you draw with frosting looks vaguely (or *really*) suggestive of sexual organs or their byproducts, you ARE a wreckerator.
You might be a wreckerator if...
Your favorite colors for roses are navy blue, gray, emerald green and burnt umber. And you only know colors that Crayola made.
@Sharyn - Yes, exactly! For the delicious irony. (That's what we'll say!)
If you can't tell where the edge of the cake is...
If you don't know what the American flag looks like....
If English is not even your third language...
If you think scraping it off makes everything OK...
If you only ever use your biggest piping nozzle...
....and, above all...
If you inspire Jen to one of her hilarious posts...
You're a wreckorator!
I thought the autopsy cake was, specifically, a Domo-autopsy cake. And somehow that seemed less disturbing to me.
You might be a wreckerator if...
... you are worried about people taking pics of your displays because someone might steal your awesome ideas.
... a customer mentions CW and you have no idea what they are talking about.
... sprinkles.
And, Oh Great And Snarky Mistress Jen, I married a pastry chef so... y'know... just sayin'.
Sharyn wrote - "The "balloons" you piped on a cake impregnated the Barbie doll you'd shoved into it's top."
That's a winner.
If the bride expects a pretty cake with three tiers and, on seeing it, bursts INTO tears...
...you might be a Wreckerator.
You might be a wreckerator if you think airbrushing makes any cake look better-and the airbrushing over any mistakes makes them invisible.
or if you think the order form is a "jumble" puzzle or really just guidelines.
Sharyn - love your 'True Wreckerator'- as usual, a masterpiece! I am heartened to know that a) I'm not the only one who saw the Eye of Sauron with Mickey ears (or clouds?) and b) that lots of people saw the same thing I did when eyeballing the 'baby bottle' on the baby cake. Whew! Not as crazy as I suspected! (but still unhinged and proud of it!).
OMG. Take the head off that baby and you have a Thanksgiving turkey!
You might be a Wreckerator if...
Sharyn has re-written lyrics to a classic song in honor of your "creation."
You might be a wreckerator if...
...EVERYTHING that's written on the cake form is written on the cake.
...you like to play the "What is this?" game with customers.
...you think people like to celebrate happy occasions with black or gray roses.
...you write people's names how they're "supposed" to be spelled, then wonder why they have strange middle names like (with 1 N) and add those on as well.
...you're okay with cake showing through the frosting because you nailed the design the customers wanted.
...putting unwashed, inedible and potential hazardous items on a cake is an acceptable thing.
...capitalization is optional anywhere.
...you don't think twice about a family celebrating the 3rd Adam's birthday.
I think I've worked in grocery stores too long.
@Sharyn, I like the link to the video. I brought it up in another window and sung along. Great job!
No one mentioned how scary mean the sun looks in the duck. um. collection.
Melonie hit it dead on. Cake #9 is definitely "private bits" being encroached upon by blue sperm.
Cake #5 (Baby cake) is definitely a chicken or turkey cake form. Gobble. Gobble.
(First time commentator. Enjoy the pics......most of the time.)
It's a beachball!
Blue worms are ocean,
white mickey mose ears are clouds,
and rainbow vagina gateway of confetti magic is a ball doing a bad job of depth perception.
(did not read every post, tender caress to anyone else thinking my way)
I too saw a technicolor adaptation of the Eye OD Sauron ...... Only after my gutter living mind saw a depiction of an alien's va-jay-jay, which apparently fewer people saw
That cake with the pink and green icing - I saw the eye of Sauron, with cotton balls floating inexplicably nearby.
You might be a wreckorator if your cakes look like pictures from an anatomy or pathology textbook. I really don't want to know what inspired cake # 9, but I'll bet that would hurt.
You might be a wreckerator if....
....children burst into tears upon seeing their birthday cake
....when people present examples of what they want, you feel that a "dramatic interpretation" is more likely what the customer actually wants
....you feel the skill of being able to spell is WAY overrated
....for that matter, printing and cursive are skills that are WAY overrated, too
....the more the color of the frosting reminds people of bodily fluids, the better!
Forget the baby bottle.... Is that a purple/green vagina with cloud eyelashes? What the FERN did the baker think that resembled???
Not gonna lie, I read this entire post in Jeff Foxworthy's voice.
You might be a wreckerator if the writing in your cake is the same color as the surrounding frosting...or if you've airbrushed the whole cake including the writing the same color/s.
Also if you use a different color of frosting to "white-out" mistakes.
The CSI one might not be so bad if the innards didn't look like a bento box.
may I point out that the top 3 all have "birthday' spelled properly?
the last one is exactly what the butthead who ordered it deserved. (stands up proudly) I will defend that fine decorator's honor!! the shell border is mostly even, the writing is legible AND those are clearly balloons!!
@FM tip of the hat for "The Persistence of Wreckery."
I can't add any of my "you might be a wreckerator if" without lining the pockets of several attorneys and jamming the already overflowing court system. You think Con Crud is bad? Try Courtroom Crud. (shudders)
You might be a wreckerator if your cake designs look the same going in as they will coming out.
You might be a wreckorator if......ewe think speell chech is for loosers
Our local supermarket HAS banned photographing their bakery section creations. They CLAIM it is to prevent others copying their work, but per an ex-employee, at least three "creations" turned up here, thus why there is now always one employee behind the counter during working hours and the "special" cakes are removed after hours. Have to laugh - no one wants to steal their creations ... we want to laugh at them! Keep up the great work, Jen, John, and cake-wreck-finders! ;-)
Nooooooooooooooooo you found a clown cake...and it was covered in plastic clowns!!! No no no those should not exist lol. I think I would rather have a misspelled happy birthday than clown faces glaring at me. Stephen King made it didn't he?
Rain-specked beach ball floating away as the crowds run for cover from the sudden downpour. An evocative piece if never there were one.
Ok, I give up. What's the cookie cake supposed to be? (The sprinkles didn't help.)
You might be a Wreckerator if...
You never discovered that chocolate icing and piping bags don't play nicely together.
You use cupcakes like a 5-year-old uses Legos (to create something that, with a lot of imagination, can slightly resemble what it's supposed to).
You have no idea what this "proof reader" may be but think it may have something to do with your high school geometry class.