How To Be Popular On The Internet
November 14, 2011 Today we're going to talk about what makes a successful blog post. Remember, it is very important to follow these instructions carefully, or else trolls may never find you and tell you how stupid you are.
Step 1:
Start with boobs.
;)
Because an internet without boobs is like fingers without bones: Horrifying.
Step 2:
Add adorable animals, like:
Kittens...
;)
Bunnies...
;)
And, of course, monkeys...
;)
...with boobs.
Now that you've captured the attention of your audience, it's time to talk about something important and life changing.
You know, like Kim Kardashian's divorce:
;)
And don't forget to sprinkle in a generous helping of "hip slang" for your peeps, yo!
;)
"J... J... Jammin' on the one."
Finally, once you've wowed your audience with your insightful wisdom, it's time to leave them wanting more. If you have more boobs, now would be a good time to use them.
;)
Unless they look like that.
If not, you can always say something about Justin Beiber:
;)
Because love him or hate him, he is the internet.
That and boobs.
Thanks to Kristen M., Christina E., Kara A., Bethany M., Sarah H., Jill H., Zoe B., and Anony M., who would NEVER marry for a TV show or for money. Uh...right, guys?
Reader Comments (67)
Oh. My.
A deflated baby????
Cosby Show reference...amazing! Love your blog! Wish I could unsee the baby w/the boobs..
Well, if anyone knows how to be popular on the internet (besides Justin Bieber), it's you guys!
I wonder if the monkey wreckerator knows that branches don't usually end with big brown leaves. It took me a while to realize the boobs were the monkey's paws holding onto a branch. It's a pretty cute cake except for the boob effect. For that matter, the same goes with the baby cake (I find cartoon baby cakes more edible than realistic baby cakes). Though I'd probably want the turkey baster instead of a baby foot for my piece. Or is that an ice cream cone? An aspirator? Well, maybe not then.
Seriously, though, who orders a "I don't LIKE like you" cake?
Are those legs coming out of the chest of the baby?
I totally agree with CarrieD on the obscure Cosby Show reference! Talk about pulling one from the dark recesses.
I seriously thought that was a monkey with 3 arms.
My husband and I quote that Cosby show epidose every time we see/hear Stevie Wonder. We're a dorky match made in heaven.
My cat has six legs, so I was happy to see a "cake" made just for her.
But that baby. What are those things on the baby supposed to be? The cake producer must have had something in mind, but what? Was this made for a specific infant with a specific birth defect (not unlike the "cake" made for my cat?) Imagine the poor parents: "OOOH ten little fingers! Ten tiny toes!! AAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Oh well, let's get a cake."
There's usually someone out there who can explain these things. Please help.
PS
I love you Dwags, but I'm not *in* love with you. I hope that's okay.
Sure: "Start with boobs."
Then add hands fresh from the morgue.
What's missing from that paw-print cake? It looks as if there's supposed to be something in that faint oval-ish blank spot, there.
Something like that could drive a person crazy.
Not me, but somebody...
Is that a six-legged kitten, or are 2 of those things boobs (with claws???)
I'm usually better at figuring these things out, but I'm still recovering from yesterday's All Night Dance Rave in Houston. It was fantastic!!! I'm not sure the Barnes and Noble employee will ever recover from the honor of receiving John's head as a lovely parting gift. Thanks for everything! You -- oops, I'm in Texas so let's make that "Y'all" -- are the best.
Amazing, as usual, how you can make so many awful random cakes so funny. Thanks!
The monkey is actually a hentai monster. Just sayin'.
ooh, those zebra striped boobs are a little, um, crooked. the sperm balloon mucus oozing belly button is freaking me out.
I just read The Black Cat by Poe so the mutant devil cat is freaking me out too.
why is the psychotic rectangula bunny flushed? and possibly mustached?
Boob Monkey looks like he has three tails. also freaking me out, especially the two flailing to the write with the tuft of fur on the end like a lion.
what IS that bulbous yellow thing next to boob baby!
Rahhhhbert! ...R- R- Rahhhhbert!
Who is MAKING these horrors????? D:
Oh my god what happened to that baby cake?! That guy needs a tummy tuck STAT!
I caught that Cosby reference, too! Glad I'm in good company!
Am I the only one who thinks the first cake says "handpul" instead of "handful"... Gross! The rest of the cakes are so creepy :P
"Fudgy the CAT"? Cease-and-desist from Carvel in 3... 2... 1...
And I believe the oval in the "Go Dwags" cake is where the big G for Georgia is supposed to go.
That poor baby appears to some sort of obscure congenital defect.
well that is what I am missing, not enough boobs!
With that nose on the last cake, I was thinking less Justin Beiber, more Howard Wolowitz
Displaying these wrecks
takes balls. Or maybe just boobs.
Certainly not brains!
And those are just the fingers-- imagine the palms! A "handful" in this case would be a triple-D-cup.
That baby cake is probably older than the child it depicts-- check out that dust. Ick.
Am I the only one to notice that the first cake says "more than a handpul?
If that monkey is Zaphod Beeblebrox, where's his other head?
Awww, who doesn't want a six legged kitten?
There is something seriously wrong with that kitten. I love cats, but I wouldn't want...that...in my house.
@Kimberj: No, you're not. It took me three tries, head tilted, wondering what a "handpul" was, before I figured it out. And said "Ewww..."
@DPL: It DOES look like him, doesn't it? You said it before I could! I can hear hear Sheldon saying it now: "Why would somebody put HIM on a cake? HE only has a master's degree."
#1 Well, those hands seem plenty big -- not to mention exsanguinated -- so I guess a 'handful' (or 'handpul' is in the
handseye of the beholder.#2 Gaaa! Louis Wain has finally met his match! In this context, I'm almost ok with the CCC factor.
#3 I'm thinking 'bunny' -- with either a thyroid condition or a 20-cup-a-day caffeine habit.
#4 First I saw a monkey with three tails. Then a monkey with tentacles. Then I clicked on it and saw the branch. Not sure what kind of tree has branches that end in a spear-point, but someone on here is bound to know. Then we can have a nice, relaxing EPCOT about it. (Hey, it's better than flame-o-grams, right? Right?)
#5 Glad someone went to the trouble to spell out exactly how they feel. The 'in' is even underlined. A display of sentimentality like this gets me right here [points between eyes].
#6 Maybe 'DWAG' is an acronym.
#7 The thing on the right could be a microphone. Precocious in more ways than one... There must be a factual explanation for this cake, but I'm not sure I want to know what it is.
#8 I was thinking a young Bill Gates (Bieber doesn't exist in my universe).
@ xevo:
"I believe the oval in the "Go Dwags" cake is where the big G for Georgia is supposed to go."
Oh! Thanks for clearing that up!
Now, who are the Georgia Dwags? A drag-queen team in which all members have a speech impediment?
That first boob cake says " More Kahn a handpul is a waslee. " Or maybe that's "Tran". With an outie watch fob, and .... where are the THUMBS??? Oh so grateful they started with boobs and stopped - uh-oh - imagining the head ... ..noooo.
That "Bieber" resembles a Demetri Martin self-portrait.
Great meeting y'all in Htown yesterday! I wonder if Cockroach Oil will sue you for using the Theo Huxtable reference (trying to work in my most often used "Cosby Show" reference in a not so subtle manner)
The DWAGS cake is misspelled (big surprise there). As xevo said, the space is for the big G for the University of Georgia. Usually the teams are cheered onto the field/court with a rousing GO DAWGS (spelled with a Southern accent). Not only is the cake missing the big G, they misspelled DAWGS. It's a double wreck.
That bunny will haunt my dreams and I don't want to think about the baby.
You used my picture! I feel so honored that I was mentioned in the post about boobs...because I both have them, and sometimes I act like one.
And @xevo is right - I live in GA and that was supposed to be a TEAM SPIRIT CAKE. Unfortunately, DWAGS just doesn't flow as well as DAWGS!
@ xevo:
"I believe the oval in the "Go Dwags" cake is where the big G for Georgia is supposed to go."
Oh! Thanks for clearing that up!
Now, who are the Georgia Dwags? A drag-queen team in which all members have a speech impediment?
I think it's hilarious that the heart-shaped one that chickens out on "I love you" also bears a "yellow" cake sticker!!! hehehehe!!!!!!!!
Is that last one Justin Bieber? 'Cause it looks exactly like him....
Seriously! What is wrong with that baby?!!! It horrifying!
OH the horror! That baby is haunting me.
I think the "kitten" is really a bat with four paw-legs and wings? Not even accurate as a bat.
That bunny looks like Carol Channing.
Aww, I like 6 Pawed Devil Kitty!
It's official. The Internet has officially made boobs unsexy.
hahahaah luvin the cosby reference- Jamin on the one!.... Laa !,
That is the scariest baby cake.....It's like it went on a severe diet & now needs skin reduction surgery. I think maybe that's supposed to be a rattle next to the baby? Granted, a very poorly made one, but a rattle nonetheless....
LOVE the Cosby show reference- perfectly appropriate.
I do not understand the baby with the boobs. At all.
FABULOUS post:)
“Fudgy the Cat” (not his real name) isn’t just anatomical freaky but it’s a BROWNIE BITE PULL A PART?? When will this stop?? They’ve BPP’d brownies now? What CCC’ing cupcakes wasn’t bad enough- they now have to ruin brownies?? Disgusted sigh. That had better be some good fudgy icing, is all I’m sayin’.
BTW, that’s not a rabbit- it’s a clown on Botox and I thought the green sprinkles with the monkey were to simulate the radiation that made it grow 2 extra tails.
The deflated baby makes the Beiber cake look good less offensive.
@Craig you win the interwebs for the day!! S/he doesn’t exist in my universe, either. :D
I gotta stop scrolling through the pictures so fast. Yeah, I totally missed the monkey boobies. Then I need to learn not to go back and look again....the horror of the hands!!! Oh and thanks, now I have "J.. J... Jammin' on the one" stuck in my head....*grumbles to self* where is that on youtube so I can get it out of my head? :D
That looks like a flesh colored shirt on the baby. I think the baker forgot to paint the shirt a different color than the flesh. It looks like a flesh colored sweater tied around the baby's neck.
Oh my gosh, those are absolutely horrifying/hilarious. That baby...and the monkey!