The Apostrophe is Silent
May 19, 2009 (ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.)
Once upon a time there was a girl named Amber.
Amber decided that school was not for her. Fortunately, she had loving and supportive parents.
One day Amber was offered an exciting new job. To celebrate, she added an apostrophe to her name, thinking it would make her seem more sophisticated. Again, her parents were supportive.
Unfortunately, introducing herself as "Amber - the apostrophe is silent" did not yield the results Amber was hoping for. Still, she did make some new friends at work: Cassie the C...er...Cat, and "Long Lips" Lisa.
Of course, every job has its hazards:
Which Lisa and Cassie were always there to commiserate with:
Then one day, after an unfortunate misunderstanding between the girls and a city health inspector looking for "clogged plumbing", disaster:
Amber said goodbye to her newfound - albeit diseased - friends, and despaired over finding another job to suit her rather unique skill set and wardrobe. Fortunately, her ever-supportive parents were way ahead of her:
THE END.
Thanks to today illustrious Wreckporters Wendy E., Monique R., Alex H., Michele D., & Amber (no apostrophe) S., and Alexa B.
Reader Comments (209)
I don't understand the pole dancer cake. Those lumpy things look like oysters with raisins on top. And neither of those things is appropriate on top of a cake. Of course, neither are pole dancers, I suppose.
Honestly, that's the prettiest "Sorry about your herpes" cake I've ever seen. Okay, it's the only "Sorry about your herpes" cake I've ever seen, but still, it sure is pretty...
What in the holy frakking frak are the beige bits on the pole-dancing cake?
Maybe I'm being too serious, but the pole dancer cake is very well done - looks like a typical French-type cake if you just remove that pole dancer in the middle. Those 'oysters' are just cream or mousse meant to be shaped exactly like they look - quenelle. Don't you see ice-cream and mousse and stuff served like that at restaurants?? I guess not? Not everything that decorates a cake has to realistically represent something, you know. Oh yeah, the 'parsely' are sprigs of chervil. I admit they are related to parsely though.
Oh my god, this is absolutely amazing. I can't believe people actually put this stuff on cakes---then proceed to take pictures of it and be proud of their work!
Alyson'
You have a great blog...I enjoyed my visit. Stop by and visit me when you have some time and read about our latest Disney adventures....Grandparent trips are the BEST...and every comment enters you for the May giveaway.
Pole dancer, nothing.
I hope never again to see a cake that includes hummus, coffee beans and black pepper.
WV: kajachll.
'Nuff said.
Jen, Jen, Jen...this is the BEST!!!
These cakes! The saga! A real tour de force, I must say.
Venereal diseases, school drop-outs, job terminations, lousy punctuation, tastelessness, pornography, ugh-ly cakes--it's got it ALL!
The best part?
The quotation marks you put around the word "adult," right from the start ("ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.").
I mean, if I were a child, I'd be thinking, "If all of this means 'adult,' then *shee-it*... I don't wanna grow up!"
I can't WAIT to get my hands on your book!
!Brava! >^~~^<
hilarious!
This post made me laugh so hard my laptop fell off my laugh. No damage done, fortunantly. This is hands down, my favorite Cakewreck post, ever!
Sleeping Beauty dancing with Superman on a herpes cake. Ah, it just seems fitting somehow.
Hahahahaha! I LOVE this site. I always laugh hysterically. Thanks for the laughs. :)
OMG! That isn't just any syphillis cake - that is a fudgey the whale Carvel Ice cream cake! Too funny.
In regards to the pole cake, i'm surprised more people don't recognize http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbvbF0L9tJg" REL="nofollow"> Dipping Areas when they see them.
::shakes head sadly::
These were so so SO very funny. Totally made my night.
Although, I have to wonder what the decorators thought of what people wanted written on the cakes. I mean, I know if someone called me up and told me to put some of those things in icing on a cake I'd be a little taken aback ...
but maybe that's just me.
As someone who had cake for her UnWedding (post-divorce) party, I so totally appreciate these and people with a wacky sense of humor. :)
Um....on the herpes cake...is that Superman dancing with Jane Jetson? Or am I hallucinating?
Although Jane does look a bit evil...
Hahaha! Very unfortunate she got herpes from her career :P This is seriously a hilarious post! I love it! But in a platonic sort of way. I don't wany herpes and syphilis...
I can see all the other cakes as normal jokey cakes, but "syphilis blows"??? On a Carvele whale cake?
I would love to know the back story on that one.
I don't think they were Photoshopped - but I think they were all made as jokes. Not specifically for Cake Wrecks but just to be funny. Especially the Herpes cake. Which I love. I want that to be the wedding cake, except there'll be decapitated clown heads in the corners.
The pole dacing one made me feel creepy, swirly beige is not a good cake colour really is it?
But hey, cake for every blip in modern life, there's a huge industry to be tapped into there.
Bit concerned that those cakes didn't get thrown, 'cos you would really wouldn't you, when faced with a drop out cake, it would just beg to be jammed into someones face.
Sweet revenge.
Although it's totally inappropriate, that "You're Fired Cake" not only is gorgeously written, but centered nicely too!
I also noticed the pole dancer cake was cheesecake. I think that's one of the ugliest looking cakes I've seen on this blog. Good thing I don't like cheesecake!
These cakes are truly surreal. It just shows how folks love to celebrate life's milestones (good or bad) with cake. Cakes makes everything better, right?
-WM
I'm surprised no one said anything about the cracked, discolored icing on the "dropout" cake. Loved the storyline. These cakes reminded me of the customer on Mother's Day who wanted, "Thanks for getting knocked up" written on a cake. I tend to assume that most cakes like that are some sort of inside joke. I always wanted a Fudgie the Whale cake; it sounds good. And if I was fired via cake, I'd definitely take some cake with me when I left. At least they spelled "you're" correctly!
I so needed a laugh today. Thank you for providing me with one!
Love the "fired" cake. If you have to get fired you should at least get to eat some cake!
This was awesome.
I think the female genitalia add penache and a hint of sophistication to the pole dancer cake, but then again, I recently suggested my DIY co-worker use mold-colored paint on the new bathroom she's building.
Another "11" on the I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter" o-meter!
Bri2k
I think this is your most brilliant post ever.
And with herpes fresh on my mind, the word verification "hamarpes" seems like a very interesting type of said disease...
Best. Storytime. Ever.
WV: rewed. It was so good the first time, I thought I'd do it again!
I don't think that the dropout cake is supposed to mean that they are proud s/he dropped out. I have seen people order cakes like this for when someone has gone back and finished their degree or done something else important. Such as Dave Thomas owning a franchise before he got his high school diploma. Kind of like "hey, you dropped out, but you still did something great".
Don't tell me people actually pay good money for cakes like this.
They are "bearded" clams on the last cakes. I asked my employee what she saw on the last cake and she said "pole dancer, boobies, va jay-jays ohmigod!" Ah, good times.
WV= whork
an alternate word for prostitution
Today's cakes should be called cake DRECKS, not wrecks!
Why are there blobs of hummus on that pole dancer cake? And the herpes cake is rather nicely done aside form slightly uneven border icing.
At least everyone was able to celebrate!
Since the national average is that 1 in 5 people have Herpes, (Whether they know it or not, it can be asymptomatic so it gets transferred really easily. *Not kidding, look it up*), I think we need to start a competition for well done HSV cakes damnit!
OMG! That was great!
xo Brooke
Holy wow! I did the Amber' one very early in my short-lived career. Just so you know -- The apostrophe was REQUESTED and I confirmed three times the spelling of the name because I didn't believe it. I don't know whether to feel shamed or ecstatic that I've made it on CakeWrecks.
And having read all the comments, I can answer a few questions - The "good luck with your porn career" cake was chosen out of the case, and they asked me to inscribe it right there. It was not a joke, the customers' coworker was quitting to pursue a career in porn, under the name Amber'. And for those who think it was specifically for CakeWrecks, it was purchased almost three years ago, and by far the strangest thing I've ever written on a non-joke cake!
SpongeBob just bought a cake that said, "Sorry about the Scabies." LOL!
Dear Sendingtheclowns,
Here's hoping you see this, even after all this time!
~~~~
Haiku Joy said...
"To apostrophize:
I address you, silent one,
oh, apostrophe!
...No one will get that pun."
=================
It could drive me crazy; so, pray tell, what's the pun here?
(I like puns.)
~~~
The pun is on the word "apostrophe." An apostrophe is the punctuation symbol which looks just so ' . But in all the richness of the English language, an apostrophe is also when a person speaks to something that cannot respond, such as a pet, a tree, a flower, the snow.
Much poetry uses the device of apostrophe. Anytime a non-human, non-verbal entity is addressed, you may call that address an apostrophe.
In this case, I was apostrophizing the apostrophe.
My 4 year old wants the herpes cake for his birthday now. Um....thanks, lol.
The only truly horrifying thing about all this is that Western civilization has declined so far that I couldn't immediately rule out the entire chain of events as a story made up just to link several poorly thought out cakes!
That said, this made my night. :D
WV: BUIST -- a follower of Bu, of course!
I thought it said 'pole dancers crack'
The parley is for . . . accentuating the shape of the "ice cream" . . .
Is it just me, or does that coffee ice cream on the stripper cake look an awful lot like female genitals with coffee beans and parsley pubes?
This story should have been called "Forever Amber." :D
It is what it is. My mother always told me she and my dad be PROUD of me no matter WHAT I did. Her only request was simply that I be the best (insert occupation here) that I could be. So I can totally see my Mom & Dad giving me a "Congrats on your porn career" cake, or "we're proud of our high school dropout" - as long as I was being the BEST high school dropout syphilitic porn star with herpes that I could be.
THIS is what we get for being told to be certain that our children ALWAYS feel good about themselves. Sometimes, you SHOULD feel bad. VERY bad.
what a cake!
yes 'anonymous' these are true. i am a victim of bakery mistakes. i ordered a simple happy birthday cake for one of my daughters. everthing was good except the inscription. the only writing on the cake was the stock order # dc-204 & that was it.
these are fake. so obviously fake.