When Gangsters Go "PC"
December 19, 2008 "Bugsy, whaddaya doin'?"
"Just decoratin' this here Christmas cake, boss."
"Bugsy, you can't write "Christmas" there - it's gonna offend somebody! An' don't call me 'boss'."
"Sorry, boss. Can I write 'happy holidays'?"
"Nah, dat'll offend people who don't celebrate no holidays."
"Can I just use red and green icin' and not write nuthin'?"
"Bugsy, ya knucklehead, think about it: red and green say 'Christmas', see? S'no good. Use a lotta blue - but not blue and white, mind, 'cause dat's all Hanukkah-like. Maybe try blue and poiple."
"Yeah, but what do I write, boss?"
"I dunno; Lil' Antony said it's just gotta be 'completely non-offensive-like, says nuthin' of substance, and don't reference no holidays.' Oh, and it can't start wit' 'happy' or 'merry', neither - people might think we're forcing our 'emotional views' on 'em, whatever da heck dat means."
[sigh] "Ok, boss."
"Don't call me 'boss'."
Wow, Tanya C., I'm getting filled with the holiday spirit just looking at this. I think the underline really sells it, don't you?
Reader Comments (197)
"Dear Santa:
As the days grow shorter and the nights colder, a correctness has settled upon our land. All of our traditions are questioned; our values, weighed and measured against the newer world's orders that everyone should be treated exactly equal, and not be put in a position of disproportionately feeling any better or worse than anyone else. Eventually, all that's not feelings-neutral will be discarded for new, happy, shiny memes. Santa, there's just no place left for you in our new world.
I won't be leaving milk and cookies for you this year. I bought you a http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i294/serr8d/photochops/MerryWinter.jpg" REL="nofollow">cake instead.
Merry Winter!"
Ha! Funny commentary as always. It does make me wonder though... If next year there's a cake that says "Spring" with a weird little flower on it, will it be a normal cake wreck or will it be the beginning of a War on Easter?
HOLY COW!!!
You are a bright spot in my day!!!!!
Oh. My. God. That cake is too much. I am 100% sure the conversation went down as you transcribed.
Man... I laughed so hard my eyes are watering.
Clearly Santa has his hands up asking "WTF is up with my thighs?"
The snowman is just setting decorators up for failure. Clearly snowman do not have legs or arms of that sort.
the conversation piece you put before the picture really sounds exactly like what happened in the development process for this... creation.
I think the writers of "Oscar" have a case for copy-right violation...
Why do you hate Italians and Blacks?
Anonymouse 5:56AM, why do you look for hate where no hate exists?
Project, much?
It's a bleak, bleak winter.
The thing is, I was just happy to see he spelled the word correctly.
I was expecting "Wintuh"
That snowman could have used a friend, maybe a deer or something? If only the brown frosting hadn't all been used up...
Word Verification: Lingso = it's pig latin, right?
who said minimalism was dead?
Did anyone else notice that a couple of those cupcakes have fallen over in the box?
Clearly this place takes great pride in their products.
I love so much about this post... but mostly for the Oscar reference!! :)
I am offended. It doesn't snow enough down here to make snowmen.
I'm going to sue.
Best. Post. Ever. I mean...nice poiple, boss.
WV; calne. Call me, too.
@Gretchen said...
why is there a snowman in the middle of the dessert?
Actually, the snowman is in the lower left-hand corner of the dessert.
I recognize that dialogue... Oscar is my favorite movie ever. Nice!
Has everyone else noticed the huge gap where there is absolutely nothing? What are they intending to do with the brown space?
This is set up astonishingly like a first-grader's drawing. The only thing missing is the smiling sun in the top right corner.
Regarding the persistent brown, really now, dirt's a pretty much universal background, no? And how do you expect a decorator to make a white snowman show up against a white background? Remember, they're operating on a first-grade level. Things like outlining or horizon lines don't occur to them. Cut some slack ;D
wv: "forivat" "I-ah deed all of zees vurk on my cake--and forivat? No one et eet."
I wish it ended with a period. Winter.
I get it! It's the color of salted/sanded snow on the sides of the road during winter time! Genius!
Loved the Oscar movie references!! Thanks!
I think that this might offend those who don't like snow or winter... I think we should just go with a plain cookie, or and it has to be sugar free, with no artificial ingredients... and non-dairy...
Even THAT would offend people. What about those who love frosting or hate cake? Or those who don't have winter or those who have snow? You can't please everyone. The only type of cake that would not offend people would be no cake, and even THAT would offend people who want cake!
Is the post from Angela a joke?! haha!
Really? A Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder cake ? Really??
Tif
I just bought your book and may I say that the Goodfellas would have been in good company here. While I haven't had a chance to really search your old posts yet, this one has proven to be my favorite thus far.
After all, who can't see Robert De Niro in a chef hat and apron with the Godfather logo on the front with his hands on his hips saying, "You eat dat or you gonna get an offer you wanna refuse."
@LaLa27
As someone who lived in North Carolina during the 2001 ice storm (from which we had an 8-foot drift of snow in our backyard) and the 2009 Oklahoma winter storm (4-5 feet of snow outside my apartment building), I have to roll my eyes. Oh no, we neeeeeever get snow below the Mason-Dixon! Ugh. Really, are Northerners as ignorant as you so often portray yourselves?
If I may make a suggestion: Y'all need to make some Winter-underlined Greeting Cards. I'll even design it for you:
*ahem* Standard card, brown background, snowman in lower left corner, blue and purple trim, Winter (underlined) in the top 3/4. Blank inside.
You're welcome.
I think I like your blog, but then again I am constantly accused of having no taste!
That is a serious "COME'ON MAN" moment. I'm offended because there was a snow man but not a snow woman on the cake
Holy crap. I was supposed to be productive today, but I can't pull myself away from this website! I am having trouble seeing through my tears of laughter trying to type this! God, I haven't laughed this much in years! LORDY!
That is such a sad commentary about today's society. Guess what? Merry Christmas! Whether you like it or not, it is still Christmas and even if you spend it alone in your bathrobe reading Atheist A..hole Monthly, I hope you have a good time doin it. So there! :p
hahahhaha -- heeheeheehehee I'll be laughing about this for days hehahahaheehaa
Resolute snowman
grins beneath the underline.
Winter upon thee.
it looks like a snowman, in the middle of the desert. ran out of white icing i see.
It's minimalist. I like it, although the underline is a bit much.
Homestuck fan stumbling upon this many years later; "Why is Kankri Vantas teaching the Midnight Crew to bake?" (http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Kankri_Vantas)
OMG!!!! Your webpage is so hilarious!!!! I am truly ROFLOL! I can't see through the tears and my throat is closing up on me! Link your friends here if they are having a bad day...it will definitely change their day!
Political Correctness will be the end of everything we know and love, you realize this don't you? It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so dang pathetic.
Winter?! Wow... I'm getting all warm and fuzzy inside just looking at it.
But that will offend people who live in Mexico!
Actually it's summer instead of winter in the Southern hemisphere, so they *still* got it wrong! lol
@Sciencegirl and @voxwoman ... I am sacramento and I have not yet lived to see snow : (
Not offensive, but also not showing any creative cake design. Check and check. That'll be $75 for your "specialized cake", please.