Gag Me & Lace Me

[So I was trying to make today's post title a "Cagney & Lacey" pun, but I think I just ended up attracting a whole new demographic to the CW readership. Er. Hi, guys! Welcome! Perhaps the last cake in this post might interest you?]

Loyal wrecky henchperson Amy O. ordered this lovely lace-covered cake from a reputable, "established" bakery for her wedding:

And believe it or not, that lace is actually edible. The ribbons, too. Yep, Ron Ben-Israel is JUST THAT GOOD.

I did a little digging, and the general consensus is that Ron may have used a product called Sugarveil, which pipes like icing but dries flexible, like a net. (John and I got to play with Sugarveil at a cake show once, and it's pretty surreal to pipe something you can then pick up and drape a moment later.)

Anyway, it took me about 10 minutes to figure out how you might go about recreating a similarly lacy look. But hey, I'm not a pro!

As it turns out, the "established" "pros" can figure it out in under 30 seconds:

...right after a quick trip to the fabric store.

Now, if you're wondering how much of what you're seeing is edible, the answer is: well, none of it.  

There could be towels stuffed in there for all we know. C'mon, at least the empty cardboard box had icing on it!

So to get to this cake, you'd first have to untie the ribbons and then peel off the lace from each tier - which were all buttercream? Is that right?

Except it looks like the lace goes under each layer, too, which would require you to disrobe the cake, as it were, from the top down as you serve each tier. Sweet Cagney, this cake's harder to undress than a gal in Victorian underwear*!

Ok, Amy, there's just one last thing I've GOT to know: what did you guys do for the cutting ceremony? Get a pair of scissors?

*I got my first Victorian corset last week, so that's the voice of experience talking. In a high-pitched, gasping-for-air whisper.

UPDATE: Inspired by today's post, John and I decided to do a little "decorating" of our own:

 I wish I could say we were bored and had nothing better to do at the time, but the truth is we stopped far more important things to do this. So in an attempt to justify the last giggle-filled half hour, let's have a contest: Make your own ridiculous fabric cake, post a photo of it on the Cake Wrecks' Facebook page, and I'll send my favorite(s) a free signed copy of Cake Wrecks. Aaaand...GO.

Bridal Tears

It's time again to see why the brides are crying - or, as I like to call it, "Reminders that your day could always be worse."

Yep, it's everyone's favorite, "What They Ordered vs What They Got!"

Kimberly P. asked her baker for this scrolly beauty, only in red and with icing flowers instead of real ones:

Instead, she got...this:

Or, as I like to call it, "The Dance of the Earth Worms. With Fresh Beets."

Katie Leigh asked for this classic black and white number:

But ended up with all sixes and sevens*:

 (*That's a little British slang for you English folk. You're welcome, guv'na!)

Olivia G. wanted her cake to be black and white all over, too, in this pretty damask pattern:

And in case you were wondering if it's possible to pipe a damask pattern by hand...

It's not.

 (I literally stared at these two photos for five minutes, trying to figure out where those shapes came from. I'm still at a loss. Do you think they flashed the pink picture at the baker for thirty seconds, and then told her to go recreate it from memory?)

Let's take a break from all that black and white and take a walk on the wild side:

Awesome, right? Mary M. ordered this fun mad hatter style for her wedding. 

 Unfortunately, I suspect what she GOT just made her mad-as-a-hatter

Only not in the "Wheedle-a-doo! Lemme dip my watch in my tea!" kind of mad. More like the, "Lemme go, so I can whoop someone's ASCOT," kind of mad. I guess this might pass for a three-year-old's birthday, but c'mon: a wedding?

(Side tangent: Don't you wish people would yell ridiculous things like "Wheedle-a-doo!" when they're ticked off? That would be sooo cool. If anything would make me watch reality TV, it'd be Gordan Ramsey yelling, "Boopin' Flibberty Gibbets, you Stronkin' Honk-Nobbit!" Right? Right?? I can't be the only one.)

This next couple wanted something simple and understated for their wedding, so they ordered this:

What they got, however, reduced our poor blushing bride to tears - and I'm pretty sure the groom is preparing to vent some frustration, going by the way he's brandishing that serving knife:

 

Holy plastic meltdown, Batman! Swans and cherubs and pillars, oh my! Looks like the only thing this couple and their baker had in common was they both ended up seeing red. Yeesh.

And finally, it's time to get back in black (and white) with this sweet little creation Kelly L. ordered for her big day:

Now, as pretty as this is, there's nothing terribly complicated here, so I can see why Kelly thought her baker could manage it.

[sighing] 

[shaking head]

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly....

Er....Is your cake erupting? 

 Oh! That's just the topper at an odd angle. Sorry. Anyway, that cake is just...sad. Really, I can't think of any other word for it. Like it's shuffling dejectedly down the sidewalk and sighing a lot, and you just want to give it a hug. Or throw a towel over it.

Thanks again to all of today's brides for letting us laugh along with them - assuming, of course, that you're laughing by now, ladies. If not, then thanks for letting us gasp in horror and yell things like  "Doofin' FINKEL Shmirtz!!" at the screen.

(Why, yes, I have started watching Phineas and Ferb recently. Why do you ask?)