The Bad, The Bad, and The Badder

The following cakes were made by professionals, and paid for with actual money.
Do not adjust your screen.

Vicky W. wanted this cake, only in pink and white.

Hm. I wonder how it turned out?

Oh, that's right! This is Cake Wrecks.

BAM!

This next cake is not the wreck.

It's actually what Mary J's half sister's other sister* wanted for her wedding.
(*cousin's nephew's roommate...)

Which Mary J's half sister's other sister apparently bought at a donut shop.

Okay, time for some hard truths here. Are you ready? Here goes:

If your baker makes most of her money selling donuts,
MAYBE DON'T GET YOUR WEDDING CAKE THERE.

(King cakes should be fine, though.)

(OH SNAP!!!)

And finally, Elydia B. writes:

"My wedding was like a fairy tale. The cake was supposed to be from a very prestigious bakery in Tuscany..."

Wait, Tuscany? Like in Italy? Well, since I'm an American and everything I know about Italy involves designer clothes, expensive shoes, and bright red sports cars, I have to assume that the cake would be amazin...

"...but it was like the wicked stepmother portion of the fairy tale!"

AH. Right, then. So here's what she wanted:

Nice! I like how they digitally added in Elydia's monogram for this mock-up; really speaks to a high talent and prof... wait, you added that, Elydia? Oh.

Oh my.

Since I'm speechless, I'll let Elydia finish:

"The cake that we got is about twice the size of me..."

(Hey, the more the merrier, right?)

"...but was a thin layer of cake with STYROFOAM below each layer of the Cool Whip-type frosting."

(Oh. Um. Crunchy?)

"They took one hydrangea and broke it up into four pieces."

(A hydrangea? Where?)

"Honestly, I thought it was a practical joke!"

(Did you check if those "hydrangeas" were actually parsley garnishes from the salad bar? Because if so, then you were TOTALLY punk'd.)

Well, let that be a lesson to you, brides: always sniff your hydrangeas, and never... uh... yeah I got nuthin'.

*****

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Bride/Baker Communication 101

Most brides think that bringing in a photo of their dream wedding cake will help clarify for their bakers what it is that they want and expect on their big day.

[shaking head] Those sweet, silly girls.

In reality, these photos are more like "guidelines." A springboard, if you will, from which the baker may or may not spring - and then into heretofore unheard-of realms of artistic "expression."

Perhaps some examples will help.

Bride Laurie S. asked for this cake, only in ivory and with blue flowers instead of white:

(Photo & cake by Martha Stewart)

Instead, she got this:

"It's boxy, and it's blue and white. What more do you want?"

Kirstie also wanted a cascading floral design, like this:

Which her baker recreated pretty well, except for one key detail:

S/he used real flowers instead of sugar ones.

Once the petals shriveled, Kirstie's cake design became less "cascading flowers" and more "attacking butterflies." Which isn't horrible, I suppose, but it is kind of hard to resist the urge to flap your arms and shoo them off.

(Note: The silver thing is their topper, which the baker laid flat instead of standing up. Or maybe the butterflies just knocked it over. :D)

Sharon L. wanted this gorgeous topsy-turvy design:

(Made by Lisa's Creative Cakes - and I totally want one.)

...only in 3 tiers and using her colors of fuchsia, orange, and lime.

Her baker's interpretation?

Remember that springboard I mentioned? Well, some are a LOT springier than others.

And finally, this bride wanted her seashell-themed cake to rise to new heights:

Instead, she got one that was apparently dropped from great heights:

Think it was served with a pancake dinner?

[snicker]