Balloony Bologna

Ahh, balloons. Those colorful, cheerful staples of the classic birthday cake.

And why wouldn't they be? They're so colorful!

And so cheerful!

[glopping noise]

And so... um...

Ok, bakers, we need to talk.

I never thought it'd be possible to forget what a balloon looks like, but apparently most of you have:

Two things:

1) Balloons generally only require one string each.

2) CHANGE YOUR PIPING TIP, YOU LAZY BUM.

Look, I'm just a girl, standing in front of a baker, asking that baker to stop butchering my birthday cake balloons already.

And while we're at it, could you maybe stop scalping grannies?

(Tell me you don't see a bunch of pastel hair buns here. TELL ME.)

And don't get me started on all the "little swimmer" balloons out there:

I see what you did there with that "i." EGGSELLENT.

But most importantly, NO CHEATING.

Or at least cheat better. Yeesh.

Thanks to Kevin C., Brittany F., Meredith G., Kimberly P., Robin L., Christie S., Veronica S., & Anony M. for appreciating the gravity of the situation.

Wheelin' & Dealin'

Have you seen the latest wreckage to hit the news?

See, apparently a bride named Cecilia ordered this for her wedding:

And got this instead:

Yowch.

Of course, bridal tears like this are nothing new, but Cecilia's next move was: she decided to sell her wreck on ebay. She later said it was only a joke, but there were still several bids in by the time she cancelled the auction. (I like to think the bidders planned to use it as a divorce cake, because the irony would be delicious.)

While I'm always glad to see a bride with a sense of humor, the fact remains that this is a tragedy, and one which no doubt has us all thinking the same thing:

A tire cake for a wedding? Really?

Still, it could have been worse. Cecilia could have asked for her tires monster-truck sized. And pink.

There's a "making donuts in the parking lot" joke in here SOMEWHERE, I just know it.

Granted, that cake is the figurative Beverly Hills to Cecilia's Skid Row (see what I did there?), but take heart, Cecilia:

At least yours didn't have a real hubcap on it.

[scrolls back up]
[squints]

No, yeah, yours is still worse, Cecilia. Sorry.

Thanks to all eleventy billion of you who sent in that first wreck via The Huffington Post, and also to Lisa H. and Sommer T., who recommend the side of the road at the downtown overpass for primo free wedding cake toppers.