For the Rest of Us

I realized Christmas might have become too commercialized when I sucker-punched that old guy in the Target electronics section. ("Hands off the XBOX KINECT, Gramps!!!!") Sure, he was just buying batteries for his hearing aid, but it made me think: maybe we've all become too materialistic around the holidays.

So, what's a disenfranchised Seinfeld fan to do?

Celebrate Festivus, of course!

Yep, I'm ditching my Christmas tree and putting up the ole' Festivus pole, because tinsel is distracting.

"Move it, Tinsel! You're blocking my holiday spirit!"

I'll chuck the Christmas ham and replace it with a traditional store-bought Pepperidge Farm cake covered with M&Ms:

Close enough.

I will then invite my family over and we will Air our Grievances, meaning we will publicly complain about all the things in the world that disappoint us... which may or may not include my family.

To which Mom might retaliate:

Because of the fishnets I wear over my peg-leg.

(Actually, come to think of it, we've been celebrating the Airing of Grievances for years.)

I'm swapping Christmas carols for the annual "Feats of Strength," where my family members will physically fight the head of household until she's been pinned. (Mom's a fighter.)

Or, in this case, the head of household will have sensual relations with the guy whose butt is falling off.

Finally, once we're drunken and bruised, we will celebrate the blessed wonders of the day:

It's a Festivus miracle!

Thanks to Rhiannon R., Anne B., Kristin S., Sue S., Natalie P., & Lauren K. And happy Festivus!

Now, stop crying and fight your father.

------------------------------------------

CCC Day #11

Share Our Strength is a national organization here in the U.S. that works hard to make sure no kid in America grows up hungry.

Please click here to give your dollar.

Operation: Jingle Bells

We here at the TSA believe that all potential-terrorist passengers should feel safe when they fly, even when they aren't. We also believe that there are literally billions of people in the world who want to kill us right now with their nail clippers and 3.01 oz containers of breast milk.

Therefore, after careful consideration, we have decided to institute stricter flight regulations and security screenings on all of Santa's reindeer.

What?!?

You heard us. Please remove your laptops and any loose change from your harnesses.

But...but...

That search comes later.

Well, you have my full attention.

Mr. Blitzen, you've been randomly selected to receive our enhanced "Freedom Pat" screening. Please step over here and spread your hooves.

Wait a minute, we're the good guys! We deliver joy and gifts to all the good children of the world!

We beg to differ. Remember the Twinkle Light Bomber?

Hey, that was an accident! And Dasher said he was sorry.

Ok, Mr. Blitzen, now we're going to slooowly slide our open palm up your inner flank...

Dude. You guys handle my jingle bells and we're going to have issues.

We're sensing some hostility here. Let's all just caaaalm down. Tell you what: after we're done with your group cavity search, why don't we all sing a festive holiday ditty together?

I really don't feel like singing right now.

Oh, come on. It'll make you feel better! [singing] Feliz Navidad...

I'm feeling...violated.

Feliz Navidad!

[gasping] Cold...hands...

Feliz Navidad,
Prospero Año y Felicidad!

That's it. Santa, next year we're walking.

.
.
.
.

Everybody now!

Feliz Navidad

do do do do do...

(Now with leg kicks!)

Feliz Navidad

do do do do do...

Feliz Navidad

Prospero Año y Felicidad!

The TSA would like to wish you all many enjoyable flights this holiday season, and also to remind you to pick up your souvenir backscatter photos once you've passed through security:

(Photo via BoingBoing)

Hellooo, Christmas cards!

Thanks to Kirstie, Penny V., Kelly O., Used Tire (if that's your REAL name), Jen, Lisa A., Caine I., Carrie N., Carissa H., & Amanda P., who believe that a song in one's heart and a hand up one's flank make for a truly festive holiday.

------------------------------------------

CCC Day #8

Today's charity is The Water Project. These guys use 100% of all donations to drill wells and provide clean drinking water to developing nations. Believe it or not, nearly 1 billion people on the planet lack this basic life-need. Every $10 donated provides a person with clean water for 10 years.

Go here to donate your $1.