The Yuletide is Coming In

Now that it's almost Christmas, bakeries are working hard to make all their designs more "season-appropriate."

Which is why you can now find, for example, the army toys attacking giant poinsettias:

"Call in backup! We need more silly string!"

And flotsam-bedecked "Christmas guitars":

"Oh Oh Oh" is right.

And of course, that perennial holiday favorite:

The Puppy-Pecking Parasite of Pastries Past!

It's a deer tick.

Eh?

Oh, c'mon, quit groaning: that was freaking brilliant on my part.

Heather M., Melissa G., & Jessica L., do you suppose they used "sugar doe" to make it?

Wrecks For The Rest Of Us

It is on this day, at this glorious, joyous time of year, that we should all take a moment to say,

And to capture the Festivus spirit, we erect [heh] our Festivus pole [hehehe] - a bare aluminum rod [wink] - because we all know how distracting tinsel can be.

"Yo, Tinsel, move it! You're blocking our holiday spirit!"

Then we will dine on meatloaf dinner:

"I would do anything for 'loaf...
but I won't eat that."

Followed by cake covered with M&Ms:

"And what is the DEAL with airline food?"

Once the Pepto Bismol has settled, Festivus can officially begin with the Airing of Grievances:

This is when we gripe about all the ways our family, friends, and the world in general has disappointed us over the past year.

Needless to say, sarcasm is encouraged.

Once everyone is basking in the warm glow of a directionless, murderous rage, it's time for the Feats of Strength. Tradition states that Festivus isn't over until the head of the house is pinned in a wrestling match, but you can usually disarm Grandma pretty quickly:

On second thought, it looks like Grandma Dani's been working out.

Oh, and I nearly forgot! Be on the lookout today for Festivus miracles. Because trust me, they're everywhere.

Congrats, Grandma!

Thanks to Lisa N., Rhiannon, Jola S., Marcus J., Dianne M., Lauren M., Bernadett, & JM, who have been just awful to me this past year, AWFUL, I tell you, and do they thank me for the snarky commentary? NoooOOOOo. But that's ok, because I don't need thanks, or love, or basic human consideration, because I... [lip wobble] ... I AM STRONG.

Now quit crying and go fight your grandmother.