My Naughty Valentine

NOTE: Mildly suggestive humor ahead - so get your kids to explain it if you have any trouble.

NOTE THE SECOND: I'M KIDDING. Clear the area of innocents!

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Valentines' day is a celebration of love, and of the people we love, and of the many acts of love that we all...

Oh, look, a ding-dong!

No, no, YOU rock MY world, baby. Mrowr.

I remember a psychology course back in college where they talked a lot about interpreting things like keys and swords and Owen Wilson' nose, but I have to confess I never thought much of it 'til I saw these:

 

 Think it's an Everlast?

 (No, I will never stop with the Men In Tights jokes. SORRY.)

Here's a tip: I'm pretty sure swords don't NEED that much of a point:

 

Or at least not one shaped like that, anyway.

And in case you're starting to feel like these cakes are all thrust and no parry:

 Donut worry: My lips are sealed.

I'm pretty sure you won't need Freud's help to spot this classic slip-up:

 Talk is cheap, dude. Lemme see your guitar.

You know the saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince?" I only ask because reasons.

"Hey, bebeh, wanna go back to my pad? It's kind of chilly in here."

 (Not a word on the necklace. NOT A WORD.)

Of course, if you don't want to go for subtle, there's always the blatantly inappropriate approach:

 The longer you think about what demographic this cake was made for, the more uncomfortable it gets. (To say nothing of the fact that Barbie has no lower body, and her hair is getting in the icing. Ick.)

Well, whichever option you choose, I sincerely hope that you and your loved ones:

And hey, I mean that - from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks to Mindy B., Kelly G., Jeanne T., Jennifer R., Erica L., Dion H., Katie G., & Chris P. for putting the "wow" in "bow chikka WOW WOW."

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Mardi Gras Hide N' Seek

It's that time of year again, when the Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys abandon their icing carrots and instead go for a spin on giant, bead-covered donuts. Check it out: this one's even on a pool-float boogie board:

 

Somebody get this kid a tiny drink with an even tinier umbrella, STAT.

Originally these guys - who, did I mention? Are supposed to represent the baby Jesus - were hidden away *inside* the donut, so that one lucky party-goer would end up with a chipped tooth and the dubious honor of having to bring next year's donut, thereby ensuring the continuous cycle of petty revenge.

 

Somewhere beneath that sticky surface lurks a tiny choking hazard. WHO WILL FIND IT FIRST?

This also led to some truly spectacular warning labels:

And yet they still ate at least half of it. THE MONSTERS.

Now, however, thanks to a bunch of downer lawyer types and other spoil sports who can't digest plastic, bakers are forced to "hide" the babies in plain sight:

"SHHHH. Just be cool, man. BE COOL."

Is that...double-stick tape?

I won't tell him we can still see him if you won't.

Of course, since the whole tradition centered around the surprise of finding the plastic baby, I'm not sure what the point is of even including one now. Unless it's just to pose it in a bunch of funny ways, of course:

 

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" [slowly slides down glass]

 

Mondays. Am I right?

Happily, though, at least one bakery has proposed a new subsitute for the plastic baby, based on the following logic: The baby is meant to represent the baby Jesus, right? And we celebrate Jesus' resurrection on Easter, right? And what ELSE do we eat at Easter?

That's right, ladies and gentlemen: Preeeeeesenting! The Peeps King Cake!!

 

Mazeltov!!

Thanks to Pon T., Maya R., Kelley H., Valarie, Carrie T., Lauren, Kristy & Matthew P., Brandon H., & Heather M. for the sneak Peeps.

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