Insulting Inscriptions 101

Some handy tips when crafting the perfect cake zinger:

1) Don't misspell it.

There's nothing like borrowing song lyrics for a backhanded compliment, but misspell the thing (and omit all the necessary apostrophes) and you come across more crude than clever.

2) Be specific.

Ok, so Charity smells - but what does she smell like? Hmm? Could be roses, or cotton candy. (Mmm, cotton candy...) This is the time to release your inner muse: tell us what putrescent stench Charity is emitting, and really explore your literary space, ok?

3) Keep it simple.

While you're exploring that space, though, don't get so carried away that no one can tell what you're trying to say. Instead of an oddly phrased "Youth Forgot", why not go with something more straightforward? You know, like this:

See, the lack of exclamation marks or capital letters here really brings home juuust the right amount of indifference. Even the off-centered leaning seems to say, "Hey, I got you a cake, alright? Don't go pushing your geezer luck by expecting quality."

And lastly,

4) A little name-calling can go a long way.

Again, creativity is king here. Just watch your penmanship; that "Fink" could almost be mistaken for "Tink".

Thanks to this next one I think I've found my new favorite pet name for John:

Brilliant!

Kathryn R., Laura I., Sonya L., Mercedes R., Beth, & Kelli A., obviously your fathers smelled of elderberries.

Panic at the Disco

Ashley R. is the one who makes all the "cool" cakes for her friends' birthdays, so when it came time for her own birthday her friend Kat decided to order her a "super spectacular" professional cake. Kat gave the baker this photo of Ashley's favorite band, Panic at the Disco:

...and she asked that the cake look like lead singer Brendon Urie (2nd from left).

Now, this can't be the best photo of Urie out there - I mean, he's gnawing on a bunch of flowers - so you have to pity the baker a little.

Well, until you see this, that is:

"Hey you guuuuys!!"

Now you're just pitying Ashley, right?

If you're like me, you're not going to be able to tear your eyes away from this thing for a while. That's Ok, though; I'll wait.

[whistling]

Poor Kat had the cake delivered right to Ashley's door, so she didn't see it herself until after she arrived at the party to find everyone backed wide-eyed against the walls in a defensive line. Then, when they tried to cut the thing, they found it was covered with rock-hard rice krispy treats and tasted bad to boot. Still, all was not lost: Upon discovering that the mouth and nostrils were hollow, the party-goers amused themselves by sticking stuff in them.

Ah, Ashley, it's nice to hear your friends are my kind of friends. I'd have some red licorice strips up those nostrils faster than you can say "deranged man found beaten to death by his own hand".