News Bites, 2/3/11

It's time again for today's top headlines, illustrated with cake!

Just 'cuz.

"Mexican Gangs Use Catapults to Hurl Pot Into U.S."

Wow. Talk about a throwback to the past!

Seriously, who even drinks tea in the U.S. anymore?

Not to mention this sounds awfully refined for gang members:

"Relent, ye cad, or next I shall hurl 'yon chafing dish!"

"Arizona Fugitive Planned Suicide By Bear"

Oh, please. What's he gonna do, snuggle me to death?

Ahahahahaha!!!!

Ahaha... ha... ha... oh crap

Fortunately, the man abandoned his plan when he heard voices telling him bears prefer their humans free-range. (Oh, SNAP!)

"China Braces For Rampant Sexytime in Year of the Rabbit"

Step 1: Cut a hole in the egg.

Step 2:

"Hey, baby, you lookin' fiiine! Watchoo skiing so fast for, huh? Slow down, girl!"

"Enraged Customer Assaults Store Employee Over Lack of Sprinkles"

As a precaution for the future, area bakeries have since introduced the following design:

In related news, most area bakers are now completely out of sprinkles.

Thanks to Marissa, Jessica F., Jekka G., David C., Lalita, & Ryan B., who think that second bear has a real potty mouth. (And they're totally right.)

Chasing Shadows

Well, it's Groundhog Day. Or, as Brenda here knows it:

"Groad Hogs Day"

Today is the day that we celebrate the..day...by having this cheeky little fella:

aka "the guy with the crappy back end":

...drive around town with Bill Murray looking for a weather forecaster who has no shadow. Which I think makes the weather forecaster a vampire.

Ah, American holidays*.

Today is also the day when we find out if winter will end soon or not.

Hm...

[clickety click click click]

via weather.com 12 hours ago

Yeah. Good luck with that, every-state-but-Florida.

So, unless shadowless weather forecasters are run over by rodent and celebrity driven automobiles, I'd say most of you are due to see a lot more of this:

"Squashed octopodes?"

Er, no. I mean this:

"Blue crabs?"

No, no, no!

THIS:

[crickets chirping]

Oh, never mind.

Happy Grounn Dhog Day, y'all.

Thanks to Brenda M., M.Z., Melissa B., Saundra, Karen C., Jamie, & Kevin H., who would like to remind you to never drive angry. Especially with a quadruped.

*Actually, I hear Canadians celebrate Groundhog Day, too. Except their vampire weather forecasters use beavers to raise the stakes. [insert beaver joke here] [insert 'BWAHAHAHA!' here] [insert apology for beaver joke here]