Comb The Dessert!
January 3, 2018 Like so many brides, Robyn M. found the perfect cake for her wedding on Pinterest:
;)
Now, let's be real, Robyn. That cake? THAT cake? There are like 4 bakers on the planet who can make that cake, with all its tiny, perfectly-pleated ruffles and its flawless ombré fade. Ok? Ok.
Anyway, I'm guessing Robyin already figured that out, because...
SHAPLOWM!!!!
;)
Whoop.
DARE 'TIS.
(It's like a cheap lingerie shop exploded on it. Can't you almost feel the scratchy nylon? Mmmm.)
Ug, you know what? I can't even with this today. So...
;)
Ugly:
;)
Ugly:
;)
REALLY ugly:
;)
We've gone from suck to blow!
;)
Which means it's ugly.
Aaaaand... ugly:
;)
DONE!
You may now eat the cake.
Or... not.
Thanks to Robyn M., Mallory M., Angela B., Anna W., Anony M., & Richard B. for combing the dessert. (Eh? EH?!) Now... check, please.
*****
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Reader Comments (32)
What on EARTH is that Slender-Man-on-a-Rock supposed to represent?
I call those diet cakes - I could pass on a piece of any of them.
You know, that "what the bride wanted" Instagram cake is not really that difficult to do. It's actually pretty basic fondant technique. I mean, I could do it, and I'm an amateur (but I've studied with the very best pro at an actual culinary school). I read this blog every single day, and I still can't believe that these people hold themselves out as professionals. When it's this bad, I have to stop laughing and be actually pissed off on behalf of the victims. That said, keep posting them, because they do make me laugh first.
Are those...Wilton candy melts on that last one? So classy
1) I think someone probably got more than their feathers ruffled with this one.
2) Show us those pearly...blues?
3) Maybe this is a treatise on the times, and the baker is waxing philosophical on us. You know, the sky meets the ocean, but in these times, everything is upside down and topsy-turvy. (Either that, or the baker doesn't know top from bottom, or his head from his...well, you know). And are those white fluffy things around the edge supposed to be clouds? White clouds? (Because it doesn't feel like...wedding cake).
4) Looks like the dance of the sugarplum fairies came to a crashing halt on this cake.
5) I've heard of Jack in the box, but this looks more like Jack was on the pot.
6) This cake reminds me of when they asked the goofball in "Airplane", "What can you make of this?" "Well, I can make a broach, or a pterodactyl, or...a hat!"
That first wreck looks like my grandmother's nightstand in her bedroom. The more ruffles, the better!
I remember hearing a psychologist once discussing those completely tone deaf people that applied to Idol and other singing talent shows, and saying those people suffered from some weird phenomenon where their brains didn't allow them to hear what they actually sounded like - sort of an internal autotune. I wonder if there's something similar at work here, because how else would anyone think those were OK to actually sell to people?
The first wreck actually isn't *quite* as bad as I'd expected -- the ruffles are not good but not as bad as I'd feared they would be, but the color is just painful! When did pale pink ombre turn to shocking-pink-to-bubblegum-pink- don't-bother-fading? Ouch, my eyes!
As for the rest, they're just bad, bad, bad, bad, awful, and pathetic, in that order!
@Jen: Man, we ain't found $h1t!
@Lady Anne: That's supposed to be Jack & Sally on his spiral mountaintop.
Okay, but if I was Robyin, I would TOTALLY have claimed that that cake was inspired by Kaylee's dress. Because, c'mon.
To Lady Anne, the "Slenderman on a rock" is better known as Nightmare Before Christmas. Emphasis on the Nightmare in this case.
Ahehehehehehe
“Blow”- why are her legs backwards and why is the stick figure face-planting into whatever she’s holding? And the last one- did someone run the tines of a fork across the frosting? I’m awake, but I’m very puzzled.
That Tiffany blue number with the pearls didn't look too bad. Then I put my glasses on.
Even if they couldn't make the ruffles on that first cake, you'd think the color concept would be simple enough to follow: start with darkest shade, work your way up to the lightest. How did the wreckorator end up dodging back and forth between shades? And were the additional flowers requested or did the wreckorator actually think this cake needed more color/texture/lumpy bits?
Maybe I've just seen too many bad cakes but that second one (blue and white) doesn't look that bad to me. Its not the nicest and I could see someone getting mad if they'd overpaid or expected something more, but its pretty enough. I'd eat it, anyway.
The third cake; I can't tell if there's supposed to be a fade out thing happening that just didn't quite work out or if the wreckorator accidentally smeared the blue gel-dyed frosting into the white frosting below when they tried to level out the frostings.
Again, the weaponized flower cake doesn't look all that bad to me, aside from the obvious.
If it weren't for the toppers on the Jack and Sally cake, I'd be thinking it almost reminds me of The Nightmare Before Christmas and just assume I've watched the film (and played KHII) too many times.
The last cake is ugly and between the fondant and the candy melts, looks like it would also taste awful.
Lady Anne, apparently you've never seen Nightmare Before Christmas?
Is that one cake...supposed to be Corpse Bride?
Slender man on a rock is actually a really poor rendition of the cover of the Nightmare Before Christmas DVD. It's Jack Skellington, the pumpkin king and his love Sally who was made by Finkelstein.
After looking at today's cakes, if they look that bad on the outside, you really want to eat THAT? i would be afraid of getting Alien Mutant Germies from most of those cakes, 'cause they have some serious ugly mojo going on.
Lady Anne, that's Jack from "Nightmare Before Christmas." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nightmare_Before_Christmas
The second to last one is The Corpse Bride and Jack. It's pretty much supposed to look like that.
The "Slender Man" was supposed to be Jack Skellington and Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas". It ended up being a nightmare.
I could have done without a closeup of the last cake...I'm trying to make dinner!
...a great post for January 3 as you encourage those who are trying to stick to that dieting resolution!
I snorted at “shaplowm!” But when you launched into Spaceballs, I started cackling. On a full bus on the way home from work. But hey, they should be used to me by now. ;)
For anyone wondering, that's Jack and Sally from A Nightmare Before Christmas in the picture 2nd from the bottom.
The “slender man” is Jack Skellington (with his love, Sally) from Nightmare Before Christmas. Classic animated love between them. ❤️❤️❤️
No, no, no, go past this. Past this cake. In fact, never show this cake again.
Is that actual tissue paper on the bottom of that last one?
The pink ombre tiered one is awesomely bad and would go with an '80s-themed wedding. Alas, that probably wasn't what Robyn was looking for. But I might need to see her wedding hairstyle to know for sure. (Aqua Net, anyone?)
@Lady Ann, that is Jack from “A Nightmare Before Christmas.”
Wonder how many bottles of Pepto went into the first wreck? Does it taste like wintergreen?
And the fingerprint on the last cake - ugh!!!
I am laughing so hard I am crying. Those poor brides I can only imagine they cried seeing those and then got very very angry. Wow wreckerators.. just wow.
To echo another commenter, the pink ruffled cake might come in handy for a Firefly-themed party. It totally looks like Kaylee's ball gown!