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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Tuesday
May092017

Wedding Missed Marks, Vol #348

I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of "naked" cakes - ie, the ones with no frosting on the outside.

I mean, first, NO FROSTING, and second, this is literally the best they can possibly look:

Which on the one hand is fine, but on the other, looks like the baker ran out of time, panicked, then pulled an Emperor With No Clothes. "No really, this is the hot new icing trend in wedding cakes! Can't you see it?"

 So if that's the best possible outcome, imagine what chance Stephanie had when she ordered one for her wedding cake.

Or better yet, don't imagine.

LET ME SHOW YOU:

Whomp whump.

 

Next we have this sparkly purple number Alicia ordered for her wedding:

Bakers, here's a tip: Swarovski crystals are not - I repeat, NOT - interchangeable with those molar-cracking BBs people keep insisting are edible:

Also this looks terrible.

 

And finally, let's take a look at Roberta's wedding wreck, which was supposed to be this pretty tree bark design:

 

...but instead, just barked.

Woof.

 

Thanks to brides Stephanie D., Alicia J., & Roberta H. for branching out today.

*****

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Reader Comments (36)

That last one is an example of deforestation. Ouch!

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTere

Funny, the missed marks don't look as bad as usual.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDarlene

There's actually enough frosting on that first wreck to make it a non-naked cake. The third one is just awful. It looks like a toddler finger painted it. With what, I won't say.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

The middle one has a belly button. IT HAS A BELLY BUTTON, YA'LL.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

Woof is right! That "tree" cake looks like it's got fecal matter smeared on it. Oops, let me NOT give these wreckers any more bad ideas, they have enough on their own! While it's definitely a unique look, I can't say I really understand the concept of a wedding cake with no icing/frosting. It makes the cake look less like a cake and more like a geological cross-section ready for carbon dating.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBossyHeifer

Lawdy....
That last one looks like someone's sunburn peelings.
Maybe the initials stand for "Coppertan Reeks,+ Really Hurts".
=^-.-^=

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

The purple one is actually rather well done, IMO. Yes, they substituted the "edible" BBs for crystals, but the sombre is good and the layers are nicely rounded at the top edge like the example. To me, that's only a missed mark in the mind of an excessively picky bride (or her mom) -- compared to some of the missed marks we've seen, i wouldn't have realized there was even a problem if I were at the wedding.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Protip: never ever EVER do a birch tree cake unless you know what you're doing. It's way too easy to make the dark bits look like skid marks.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Seriously, if that birch bark tree cake had more ferns, baby's breath, and daisy's (lots and lots more -- like to cover it completely), it wouldn't be so bad. HAHAHA!! And you are 1000 percent right about the naked cake thing. WTF? If it's not covered in frosting, it's just sweet bread. Sweet bread in need of frosting.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

The last one looks like poop smears.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

The last one's bark pattern looks like someone wiped a finger across the cake after running out of TP

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMel

I actually think the "bad" naked cake, while less talented, looks tastier. More icing!

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Mrs. & Mrs. Purple Cake : Prom dress fits too tight!

Birch Bark : Skid mark!

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterzeph

The last one looks like it was smeared with poo......Oh my......

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

I think you might be being a tad unfair to the naked cakes. There are some truly gorgeous ones out there (like this one: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Mi20835SXrI/maxresdefault.jpg). Okay, yeah, most are plain and sometimes awful, but the good ones really are beautiful! And the naked cakes are wonderful for those of us who want cake instead of an icing delivery system ... surely I can't be the only one who feels like this right?

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaslight

Darlene, I think we are just becoming accustomed to the wrecked wedding cakes. I think Alicia's purple and silver cake comes fairly close to hitting the mark. Within a mile or so, at any rate.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

The heart on the last one - about the closest thing to the original, and yet ever so wrong.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLizziebeth

Jesus Christ the last one looks like someone smeared their turd covered fingers over a cake

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterhoro

"Also this looks terrible"

For some reason this made me LOL.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

I can't honestly say the first wreck is all that bad, because I think it looks similar to the inspiration. That being said, I don't particularly like the inspiration either. Both of them are so "meh" to me. I just don't understand them.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly R

I'm amazed at how someone who is supposed to be a professional can turn out such horrible work. While the purple one is not too bad, it still is not on the mark with what was ordered. I agree the birch tree one looks like skid marks and just not appetizing. I'm not too much a fan of "naked cakes" and this one just does not look good, but I have seen some that are rather pretty without all that frosting.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNancy Carusone

I know why I'm laughing... I keep hearing "This looks terrible" spoken like the State Farm commercial "She sounds hideous" haha!

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

The last wreck looks like it was smeared in dog poop. Woof indeed

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMe

I didn't think the second wreck was truly awful. Looks like they almost got the ombre gradient the original cake has done right too. So close! The only real fail was the 'edible beads'... which I argue are actually ball bearings. I'd have been disappointed if I got it, but not enough to have wrecked my wedding.

The third one though... unless I saw the baker actually pull the original cake out from their own display case, I'd never have asked for it. That thing screams to be wrecked... and so it was granted.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKit

This is very scary because I'm getting married this year and need to order a wedding cake.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

I agree with Laura on the purple cake. If I hadn't seen what it was supposed to look like, I wouldn't have labelled it a wreck.
The baker of the naked wreck didn't seem to understand the concept of people who don't want icing, so they just put all the icing between the layers instead of smearing some on the outside of the cake as well. I always wonder how naked cakes don't dry out during the wedding. Or do they?
I have no idea how the wrecker thought that last cake was on par with what was ordered.

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTifa

This is going to make me sound like I'm losing it, but I completely misread the title of this post! I'm a kindergarten teacher that has gone by Miss Marks for the last nine years...until I got married last month at Shades of Green at Disney (!!!). So my brain addled the whole thing into Miss Marks' Wedding. Good thing it is almost summer, because I apparently can no longer read!

Awesome post as always! ❤️

May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterErin

I agree, the first missed mark looks more appetizing than the "what she wanted" cake. But really, if you're not frosting the sides and just plunking some decorations on the top, wouldn't it be easier to have Aunt Barbara whip up three layers and a batch of buttercream and call it good? She probably wouldn't even charge for it.

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNobodee Home

Oh wow that last one.. must have been mistaken for a toilet paper roll cause eeewwww. How on earth did they manage to wreck a frostingless cake??? I fear this bakery lol.

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

If I got such a cake, I'd be barking mad!!!

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterPhoebe

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about that "naked" wreck is oddly phallic...

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHairfish

Roberta, I am very disappointed in your baker for presenting you with the cake in that condition. Seriously. What this shows me, however, is that you have a very good sense of humor. A good sense of humor will keep a marriage going long after the cake is gone. Kudos to you!

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNeeta

A day late, but to everyone saying the purple cake "isn't that bad":

1. The fondant is lumpy.
2. The ombre is iffy at best - it's like an impressionist version of ombre
3. The ribbons are messy and uneven
4. The great big silver beads are just... so much nope. Questionable patterns, too much blank space, everything uneven.
5. To be extra picky, even the layers aren't evenly lined up.

Sure, it wouldn't be "that bad" as an amateur effort,but for a professional? Even without seeing the picture of what was ordered, it's so wobbly-looking that I would be offended at being asked to pay a professional's prices for it.

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLibby

A naked cake is just a muffin.

May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSheila

Joan - a BELLYBUTTON, y'all! I'm rolling on the floor, in tears! YES IT DOES!

May 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Don't naked cakes dry out when exposed to the air for any length of time?

And that wannabe tree bark cake: it took me right back to the 'dirty protest' at Long Kesh.

May 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAlice Shortcake

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