Visual Birth Control
February 8, 2017 I think I finally figured it out, you guys:
BAKERS WANT US TO STOP HAVING BABIES.
How else do you explain the continuing popularity of chopped up baby halves, despite my many and well-reasoned protests?
(This is from a shop display window. Just once I want to see that ridiculous little drapey bit propped up with a spinal cord sticking out. JUST ONCE.)
And why else do bakers insist on making the most nightmarish pregnant torsos imaginable, which they know the laws of polite manners will force us to eat?
;)
"No, no, YOU make the first cut. We'll just be right over here...across the street."
And as if the protruding feet and hands weren't enought, then they go and stick plastic baby dolls inside the limbless torso's cakey love tunnels, because this is EXACTLY the visual you want right before chowing down on tiny sandwiches and fruit punch:
;)
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
Now, who wants to lick the love tunnel frosting off the newborn?
Ah, but you know what? Licking the newborn isn't enough - no sir!
We need to CARVE UP THE NEWBORN and EAT HIM!
;)
"Slice off the head first, would you? I could swear it's looking at me."
Speaking of which, there's a .gif going around this week of one of the more realistic baby cakes I've featured having its head sliced open. It's more than a little disturbing, as anyone who pauses to think past the initial "Oh what a cute idea!" of the baby cake can no doubt imagine.
Still, what if bakers showed that .gif to every customer trying to order a baby cake? Why, I bet the world would be a slightly more wreck-less place!
Or we'd just give those people more ideas.
"Ok, ok, I've got it. What we need are... BITE-SIZED babies!"
;)
Yeah, never mind. We're doomed.
Thanks to Jenny Lee, Mary V., Ann Marie G., Keith & Lorraine C., & Heather G., who all have names that rhyme! Woohoo! (Life's more fun when you're easily amused. Or rockin' a wicked sugar high. Or both!)
*****
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Reader Comments (56)
Oh good lord, I made the mistake of clicking the link to the "slicing off the baby's head" gif.
You know me... I'll lick any kind of frosting off anything! Gladly!
A drunken baby surrounded by all of those buttons is a tragedy in the making. Just like these cakes...
BTW, you are absolutely correct. We are doomed. In fact, "we are doomed" has become my personal catch phrase. I'm going to go get as drunk as that buttonbaby and eat some babybutts, then maybe I'll feel less hopeless.
I know this is a strange thing to be worried about, all things considered, but what is UP with all the buttons on that fourth cake? Is it like a parenting what-not-to-do? "Step One: Don't eat your baby. Step Two: Do not cover your newborn in choking hazards."
Oh, dear heaven! Is that poor woman in danger of a breech birth - with TWINS? And how are those kids positioned? One behind the other? Do these bakers know ANYTHING about anatomy?
So many questions! So MANY questions.
Bahahahahhaha
Why is a baby-shaped cake a big deal? When you chew it up and swallow it, all cake looks exactly alike, people!!!
...if only the gif cake had been red velvet. THAT would have made it unforgettable.
Those girl babies on the cupcakes with their butts up are bad enough, but I can't help but wonder what the boy babies look like from that angle. 8-/
Is the torso cake pregnant without an octopus?
I think Jen is 1000% right. IT IS A CONSPIRACY!
Disturbing in so many levels. Yikes!
Literally covered my eyes when I saw the cupcakes. I...I just can't.
Holy crap.
You simply can't unsee these ghastly "baby cakes".
I would take my leave of any baby shower (haven't attended one in awhile and am not planning to do so anytime soon) with such a "cake".
WTF. Truly.
Gah! (But STILL ROTFLMAO)
MaryO1230
"Cakey Love Tunnels"
That's all I needed today.
Isn't there a traditional group of street performers in England who decorate their suits with pearls or buttons? Can't remember the name of them, but in the movie "Mary Poppins" the cartoon of them appeared as a street band.
P. S. That cake head being sliced was truly gruesome. And if it had been Red Velvet cake, it would have been unbearable. I would have eaten that with my eyes closed.
Ms. Jen, I don't know nothin' about birthin' no cake babies. And isn't it supposed to be riding a carrot in there?
Oh my word, the gif cakebaby is without a shadow of doubt THE most disturbing thing I have ever seen.
I'll just pop back for another look !
Omg mistakes were made! I clicked the GIF of the baby cake being sliced. Well hello, scary thoughts - I thought I had seen the last of you. yeah good luck forgetting that image.
What is it they call that soft spot on the cakebaby's head? The fondantanelle?
Yeah, that's it. Fondantanelle.
Yes they are twins in the breech position. And two days ago I had breech twins delivered by c section - so the better cut the cake
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I clicked the gif! I clicked it! That is even worse than I had imagined! What were they thinking?
I didn't see a single name I recognized in the older, "nudge" link. What a bunch of pansies. We here aren't that sensitive (right?).....
I might close my eyes, but only because they're ugly! Let's have a C-section cake on here; best birth control and/or diet aid to come out of a bakery.....=^~.~^=
It's okay, kids. The baby in the gif didn't feel a thing. His lower half had already been consumed by scavengers. RIP, baby cake. LOL
NANCY - Those street performers are known as "Pearlies". Usually a man and woman, and their outfits are covered with pearl buttons. No relation to Red Buttons, before you ask.
maybe these cakes are the reason that the Walking Dead is so popular or maybe because the Walking dead is so popular people want to eat babies?
Ok...so I clicked the .gif. WTH ! I think the only way that would have been worse is red velvet or strawberry cake. Sweet bundle of joy...welcome to a family of cannibals.
Nancy - Morris dancers?
actually, what would have been worse? That they left the head and shoulders 'til last, or if the head had been the first cut?
Nope, nope, nope. Half of my brain knows it is a facsimile of a baby made out of cake and therefore it shouldn't be a problem to eat but the other half is thinking there is no way in heck I am eating that baby! Maybe it should be used as birth control.....
Oh wow, how these are scary. #1,2,3 are just frightening. I'm good with not having any kids.
As a mother of two with another on the way, these never fail to horrify me. I can't even bring myself to click on the link to that gif.
So it turns out that FREDDY KRUGER's stomach was filled with souls.... just like that cake with multiple babies pushing through!! :O (and this shrt is ANIMATED...!)
http://www.dudeiwantthat.com/style/costumes/freddy-krueger-animated-chest-of-souls-sweater.asp
The grossness of people and what they think is "cute" never fails to amaze me. Makes me almost yearn for the "good old days" of pastel yellow and green baby cakes.
Well, where did you think naked mohawk baby carrot jockeys came from?
In front of my desk at work, I have a picture of my son with the Exact Same Look on his face as button baby. It's one of my favorite pictures. At age 2, the preschool teachers tried to put a Santa hat on him and make him pose for a holiday picture and He. Was. Not. Having. It. But he was a cute surly toddler, and not blotchy; at least, not that day.
I clicked the .gif, and you don't have to worry: by the expression on its adorable little face, it thoroughly enjoyed being vivisected.
Omg I may have peed a little laughing at "love tunnel frosting".
Maybe.
Probably.
Ok, I did. I DID.
Oy Vey! and the baby outfit just covered in choking hazards really lets you know how much they're looking forward to this...
Oh dear heavens, Jen! My step-granddaughter just asked me to make her a baby butt cake for her shower in a couple of weeks. How do you say "no" to family? Better yet, "Oh, hell no! I'm trying to talk her into a cute little elephant topper, but it's not going over well. I'm afraid to show her this post as this is her first baby and I can't make myself traumatize a hormonal, heavily pregnant young woman. I am doomed. Doomed I say.
Congratulations, Rachel. Hope you and the babies are doing well.
OMG that dead-baby-inside-grandma's-sewing-box cake gives me the creeps!!
Wow that big baby cake is really "casting shade", and so, probably was the mother to be.
3rd cake: Why is there a giant boob under the bikini top?
4th cake: Looks like the baby woke up, said "F *** you," and is going back to sleep.
"Hello, Hannibal."
"Hello Will."
"I brought dessert."
"Oh?"
"I saw this cake design and immediately thought of you."
@LemurInMachina: FONDANTANELLE is my new Drag Name!
Cheers!
Storm
Nancy, they are called pearly kings and queens and are specific to London - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearly_Kings_and_Queens
The baker who make that button-covered baby did a really good job of the toys, the baby clothes and the buttons. Why not just stick with that? If only the baby had been left out, it would have been great!
Button, button, who's got the...
Never mind. I don't want the button anymore. =-P
I swear, Bellbottom Button Baby is straight outta the 70s -- remember the Buttoneer? The only thing that would have made it better is rhinestones instead. Anybod still have their Bedazzler?
Oh man well they certainly make me avoid baby showers at any rate. No need to see the cake get cut into oh man please no lol.
I have cleaned enough baby butts to never, ever consider eating one. Urg.