Visual Birth Control
February 8, 2017 I think I finally figured it out, you guys:
BAKERS WANT US TO STOP HAVING BABIES.
How else do you explain the continuing popularity of chopped up baby halves, despite my many and well-reasoned protests?
(This is from a shop display window. Just once I want to see that ridiculous little drapey bit propped up with a spinal cord sticking out. JUST ONCE.)
And why else do bakers insist on making the most nightmarish pregnant torsos imaginable, which they know the laws of polite manners will force us to eat?
;)
"No, no, YOU make the first cut. We'll just be right over here...across the street."
And as if the protruding feet and hands weren't enought, then they go and stick plastic baby dolls inside the limbless torso's cakey love tunnels, because this is EXACTLY the visual you want right before chowing down on tiny sandwiches and fruit punch:
;)
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
Now, who wants to lick the love tunnel frosting off the newborn?
Ah, but you know what? Licking the newborn isn't enough - no sir!
We need to CARVE UP THE NEWBORN and EAT HIM!
;)
"Slice off the head first, would you? I could swear it's looking at me."
Speaking of which, there's a .gif going around this week of one of the more realistic baby cakes I've featured having its head sliced open. It's more than a little disturbing, as anyone who pauses to think past the initial "Oh what a cute idea!" of the baby cake can no doubt imagine.
Still, what if bakers showed that .gif to every customer trying to order a baby cake? Why, I bet the world would be a slightly more wreck-less place!
Or we'd just give those people more ideas.
"Ok, ok, I've got it. What we need are... BITE-SIZED babies!"
;)
Yeah, never mind. We're doomed.
Thanks to Jenny Lee, Mary V., Ann Marie G., Keith & Lorraine C., & Heather G., who all have names that rhyme! Woohoo! (Life's more fun when you're easily amused. Or rockin' a wicked sugar high. Or both!)
*****
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Reader Comments (56)
The only thing worse than that gif is the link in the original post showing THE ENTIRE HEAD cut into serving size pieces! WTH people!!!! Who thinks these realistic cakes are a good idea?!!? No good...
I always read the comments before going to look at anything off-page.
YAY! I did NOT click on the link to the .gif ! I won't have the image burned into my consciousness forever!
Thank you co-wreckies! You have saved me many-a-night of waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare of baby eating revellers.
I think I'm just old enough that shower cakes still had stuff like daisies and blocks and elephants or teddy bears on them. THANK THE SWEET LORD.
"Love Tunnel Frosting" is my new favourite phrase. A great name for a heavy metal or punk band.
Dead GAWD! (typo stays)
The first one looks like a chicken with a tea towel tow draped over it.
Second screams I spend WAY to much time on Pinterest, and posing with a half eaten torso corpses makes cool selfies for Instagram. Cake looks well made, subject *shudder*
Third one: heavily pregnant in a lime green tiny bikini? With a mutant baby crawling out between the legs? Must a a horror movie set in Fort Lauderdale.
The fourth on is ewwwww and all sorts of nope. This would be better off as a porcelain doll. Between all that blue icing/fondant (GAG), THAT HEAD! Reminds me of those 19th century post mortem funeral pictures. You dress up the dead kid in their best clothes and surround them with their favorite toys. The bakery has beyond mad skills, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. (I know..I know...a check is a check is a check..)
Last one....would have looked so much better with naked mohawked babies riding carrots.
I blame this all on Pinterest, social media and hormones.
You know, the thing is... on that last cake, the second to last picture... every part of it is amazing except for the face!!! If you covered up that face, it would be a great cake. WHY??
God, I wish I had pictures. You are the reason we did individual babies on my shower cupcakes. I had a pro cake decorator friend do them as a favor for me. We kept it simple, just a baby shape under a blanket (concealing a small pocket of red gel..) made out of fondant.
As a joke. It was hilarious.
At the end of the party we had a pile of fondant babies left on the tray as many had peeled them off before eating the cupcake underneath.
As embarrassing as it is to admit, my mother is SUPER in to those tiny babies used as toppers. It's a mold for fondant and then once it dries out you can custom paint them. She's done several versions and they look cute, yes, but because of the delicate mold you have to let the fondant dry out 100%. So it is essentially concrete. They are completely inedible, which to me negates any benefit of making them "edible". Mom has made them for everyone's baby showers and they look great for decoration but THEN everyone gets 'stuck' with a souvenir naked baby that they didn't really want and have no use for. I suppose someone might take one for a curio cabinet or something, but it could still attract ants, so... yeah. Congrats on a free concrete naked baby to take home! Totally normal.