World's Greatest Cake Wreck Gets Drop-Kicked In Our Lap
June 20, 2016 You may have heard about the Michigan woman who allegedly "drop-kicked" a Kroger birthday cake last week. Apparently she "was not satisfied" (ya think?) with the Batman vs Superman cake she ordered, and tried to go behind the bakery counter to fix it herself.
Of course this is a big no-no, so when employees intervened the women decided the cake was better served as a football. The resulting kerfuffle “caused pieces of cake and frosting to be strewn about,” police said. A witness reported the woman “threw the cake to the ground, stepped on it several times, and yelled, ‘They (expletive) ruined my 7-year-old’s birthday cake!’”
On her way out, the unhappy patron also allegedly kicked over a “wet floor” sign.
Guess which of those lines was my favorite.
Now, I think we can all agree this kind of behavior is reprehensible, but let's be honest: the real crime here is NO ONE TOOK VIDEO.
But don't you worry, we are here to help.
So please enjoy this helpful recreation:
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED.
And lest you think we here at Cake Wrecks are condoning public cake destruction, minions, allow me to present:
5 Reasons NOT To Drop-Kick A Cake
#1 Jeremy has to clean it up
;)
And Jeremy has finals this week, so give the guy a break, okay?
#2 You can still eat it
;)
Does this cake look like disease?
Yes.
But just scrape off the most tumor-y lookin' stuff, and it's good to go!
#3: No One Likes A Cake-Kicker
;)
Would you kick a puppy?
Of course not.
So why kick something that tastes so much better?
#4 You could hurt your foot
;)
And if you think Mr. Hunky Fireman/EMT is going to sweep a cake-kicker off her feet, fuggetaboutit.
#5 The cake could always be worse
;)
Please. Have you read this blog? It could ALWAYS be worse.
;)
;)
Always.
So remember, minions, the next time you want to kick a cake, take a picture and send it to us instead. It'll be cathartic. Promise.
Thanks to Andrea T., Jennifer A., Christina B., Brandy R., Atala, Brenda J., Kid F., Naomi J., & the hundreds of people who sent in the drop-kick story. It warms our cockles to know rampant cake destruction makes you guys think of us.
*****
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Reader Comments (37)
Those were not flower pots on the heads of Devo, they were shiny red cakes. Believe me.
When a wrecked cake comes along
Do not kick it
Before the cream sets out too long
Do not kick it
When backers get it wrong
Do not kick it
Now pic it
That weird shape
Scrape it up
That's great
Go forward
Get a shot
Try a photo
It's not too late
To pic it
pic it good
Cake #7- I was unaware Batman was an opera singer.
"Cathartic"...Hah! Aren't WE the optimists!? (Heh heh..."Rampant cake destruction: it's what's for dessert!")
=^-.-^=
So near and yet so far.
Dropkicking a botched wedding cake is entirely understandable. And it would have been so much more satisfying if done to some of the supposed "wedding cakes" we've seen here.
How many 7 year olds do you know who would give a frosting what their cake looks like, as long as Batman and Superman (or whatever they want these days) look even vaguely like themselves?
My favorite line: "Police may never know what the birthday cake looked like." Too bad "Unsolved Mysteries" is off the air. Maybe they could bring in a sketch artist. . . .
We need to find this woman and do an intervention. We need to introduce her to this blog. Then if she ever gets a wreck like this again, instead of causing pieces of cake and frosting to be strewn about the bakery section of the store, she can think: "Oh, great! Now I can send this to Cake Wrecks!" And she'll get some joy out of her wreck.
Thanks for this! It's going to make me giggle all day.
@TheCreepyTribble: He was once a lounge singer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57zFkL9GSZA
I'm am soooo over adults (usually Moms) who declare their children's lives have been "ruined forever" by things that are a mere blip in life. Learn to relax, people. Where is your sense of humor? What are you teaching the kids about facing life? Yes, it's disappointing, but show a little grace. And take pictures of that unfortunate cake for Jen!
And loving your contribution, SuBee.
drgns4vr - As an addendum, I'm pretty sure seeing Mom perp-walked live on TV did more to "ruin" his birthday than a bad cake would have done.
That said... Jen, BEST. RECREATION. EVAR!!!! E V A R!!!!
What are the oozing yellow things on the last cake actually supposed to be? Because all I can see is either slugs or the gobs of mucus my kid sneezes out when she's sick. And neither one has any place on my cake.
I ordered a cake for my son's birthday from a grocery store one year...when I went to pick it up they didn't have it. I explained they had told me it was ready for pick up, they said maybe I was in the wrong store, on and on with excuses. Finally they found it in the freezer, and then told me it was my fault that they couldn't find it because I didn't tell them it was in the freezer. How am I supposed to know where they keep their customers' cakes?
I get too mad about stuff like this. I'd drop kick the cake myself. AND I'd knock over the "wet floor" sign on my way out too! That was the best part,
So the kid didn't get his classy Kroger birthday cake. Mom no doubt over-compensated and stopped by DQ for the big-ass ice cream cake ( with the crunchy layer!); he scored! ( After recently spending 2 weeks with a soon-to-be 7 year old male, I believe they would eat a half-eaten Twinkie off the changing room floor ( at the pool!) and consider it a delightful bonus treat.)
"So why kick something that tastes so much better?" You're killing me, Jen.
@drgns4vr:
Exactly!
And I know that if my sister or I had ever gotten a cake wreck, we'd have had a MUCH better party than with a boring old 'correct' cake.
@SuBee....Love it. @drgns4vr...spot on! I'm such a wreck-o-holic, wrecky minion, that I make it a point of always stopping by the bakery section of any store I happen to be in, WITH my cell phone camera ready, just in case I see a pic worthy to be sent to Jen and John (thoj). Oh and SuBee? I will have that song stuck in my head all day, thank you, hehehe.
Uhhh... did she ever think about talking to the manager and getting her money back. Oh wait, I guess that would be too easy. Man, if the mom is that insane imagine what her kid is like. Yikes!
Hilarious post, Jen!!! Thanks for the laughs!
One of the dangers of spending too much time with x-year-olds is that one begins to think like an x-year-old (in this case, seven). Seven-year-olds (or the seventeen-year-olds) are the ones who bemoan the eternal ruination of their lives. Next time, go out and buy a box of cake mix, a can of frosting, and a container of aerosol decorator icing, then let the kid make (or help make) the cake. Your kid gets to have fun, learns a little, and earns a sense of accomplishment. You get a nice mess to clean, which helps in remembering which of you is an adult. It's hard for a kid to be a kid when Mom's being enough of one for both of them.
#5 Happy Birthday Oliver looked to me like a pair of un-zipped jeans on fire. The crotch candles really make some sort of statement. :D
When I heard the news report of the Kroger incident, I immediately thought- oh I hope they have pics on Cakewrecks! While they claim there is no video Jen, I'll bet security has captured it all and that they are playing it on an endless loop in the stockroom.
For my daughter's fifth birthday we hired "Cinderella" to come to our house for her party. When she arrived, she looked like a homeless woman who found a Cinderella dress in a dumpster and proceeded to go out and party all night. It was too late to say anything, I didn't want to ruin the party so Cinderella stayed. The other 5 year old girls loved her. A week later when we went to Disney World my daughter ran up to perfectly coiffed, magnificently attired Cinderella and squealed, "Remember me? You were at my birthday party!!!" My daughter's all grown up now and I'm glad she has happy memories her princess birthday and not nightmares about the time her mother kicked Cinderella to the curb.
Parents, get a grip. It's a cake and if you don't stomp on it, you can take pictures, send them to Jen and everyone can have a good laugh. Jeez... Although, Jen kind of saved the day with her own pictures. Win-win!!
OMG @Classic Steve! I was about to post the same thing. Here, I will because everyone should see Batman as a lounge singer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57zFkL9GSZA
Kudos for using the word kerfuffle!
@SuBee: We're not worthy of you
I was seated next to a soon-to-be bride in a waiting room recently, and in our discussions of her wedding plans, what was my advice to her? "If your cake turns out to be a disaster, before you cry or anything else, TAKE A PICTURE and send it to Cake Wrecks!" I wonder how many other brides have been given that same advice in recent years?
I've gotta say, that toe kinda freaks me out. YOUCH!
I live here in Michigan not too far from where this took place; as a retired decorator I have never seen anything like this-I laughed so hard.....Smh......I LOVE your rendition/video-we were all hoping They would release it. (Sad part is at 7 years old we all know the only thing her son would care about is that he got the batman toys....lol thank you for the laugh!
#2 isn't disease, it's deer turds in the snow. They're all over the place in the winter.
To the Lady Who Drop-Kicked the Cake:
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste….
Oh, wait, that’s the other lawyer…. I am Mr. Potato, Head Counsel for the world renowned firm of Tinker, Toys and Tops. I read about your horrible, life-damaging experience, and I’d like to offer our assistance. What you went through, frankly, takes the cake, and we would be happy to help you seek layers of relief. Be assured, our firm has represented many people with cake related cases. We helped a lady seek redress from a baker who put marbles in her marble cake, and we successfully assisted a woman obtain an exorcism after her children were adversely affected by eating Devil’s food cake. (She gives them nothing but angel food cake now.) Another client was accused of continuously lifting all the cakes to look at them more closely and was charged with pan handling; we begged to differ.
I understand that in your case several bystanders claim they got cake on them, and are claiming assault with batter. Our crack cake investigators will interview them completely – turn up the heat and give ‘em, as the police say, the 350 degree.
And as for the matter of allegedly kicking over a “wet floor” sign, well, this is just a classic example of trying to make a situation look more serious than it really is by pylon on the charges.
When it comes to a cake defense, we have many pans of attack, so if you feel we may be of assistance, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
That lady needs anger management and may get a cake for that lol. Oh how crazy the world is we don't need people drop kicking wrecks unless it all comes on video dang it.
Is that you, Mel?
I'm in agreement about 7-year-olds just wanting the toys - how many birthday parties have we all been to where the birthday child and all his/her friends eat two bites of cake, two bites of ice cream and then leave the whole mess to melt and get soggy while they tear into the gifts?
Years ago my son's best friend wanted a volcano cake. His mom made possibly the most gawdawful cake I've ever seen, with black, brown, red and bright yellow frosting oozing and dripping from a tower of cake. Birthday Boy loved it. The other kids loved it. They all ate the requisite two bites apiece and moved on. Successful party.
The Batman vs. Superman is one of the ugliest cake design--I'd drop-kick that one even if it was made correctly.
I too, loved seeing the word "kerfuffle" in your post, Jen. It sounds exactly like what it is. Plus, every time I hear or see it, I can't help thinking of Scott Thompson as Queen Elizabeth.
Between, Jen's gif, SuBee's song, and The Midnight Writer's letter, I am rolling!
Also, @Julie I believe the glowing slugs are supposed to be the center lines on the road, but I'm no professional, they could snot be.
She's now been charged with disorderly conduct...
http://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/oakland/2016/06/20/drop-kick-cake-kroger-bloomfield-township/86151032/
Several years back there was a Judge Judy case where this woman was suing a company that provided characters for parties. Apparently the person that was supposed to be there as a clown had an emergency. They had to send a magician instead. She was suing for the entire cost of the circus themed party. For her 1 year old because it ruined the child's party. Needless to say JJ threw the case out
Julie, that's exactly the thing I noticed. What are those yellow slug things supposed to be.
@Nobodee Home: yes....
I can see now that Oliver's cake was supposed to be two buildings. But honestly I thought at first it looked like a pair of open jeans. Which made the candles seem in a really bad place.