7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake
February 10, 2016 And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:
7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake
7. Anything that looks like a spleen
;)
Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.
6. Shrimp
;)
Because shrimp.
5. Nipples
;)
Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.
4. Ants
Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.
3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds
;)
Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?
So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!
2. Mold
;)
BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
1. Back hair
;)
Actually, this is kind of hilarious.
Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.
***
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.
Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.
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Reader Comments (57)
Anyone else think it strange there are bits of flotsam covering the bottom of the peacock feathers? Why is that? Is there some law that says the bottom of peacock feathers must not be shown in public? It is the equivalent of a fig leaf. Or tassels on nipples. Weird, right? Am I the only one?
Truly hrk-worthy wrecks today Jen. Thanks for sharing.
Plot twist: those aren't fake ants.
Ya know, if you published a book of the gross cakes and sold them at weight watchers you would make a fortune.
...yeah....I'd probably eat the shrimp cake.
What's not to like? Cake? Good. Shrimp? Good.
...I mean, I'd at least TRY it. Bet it's a lemon cake with a cocktail sauce filling. ;)
5)
pubicbelly hair...Is that actual mold, or just terrible decorating?
I mean, on this site, you have to make sure...
Actually the on the first cake it looks like it might be a uterus.... Happy Hysterectomy!?
For a hot second, I really believed that #6 was covered in fondant/gum paste renditions of shrimp. Upon further review, those are in fact actual shrimp. Perhaps shellfish on pastry is a thing in Spanish speaking places.
Please, please tell me that the decorator was going for Tommy, not Tammy on that last one.
Ew! Ew! And...EWWWWWW!!!
I don't mind the ants -- would kind of like a cupcake like that! But, I'm terrified of birds and feathers freak me the hell out, so I would NOT be happy to receive a cake covered in actual peacock feathers!! I've been especially scared of peacock feathers since I was a little girl. Gross gross gross gross GROSS!
I love how the second-to-last cake enraged Jen so much she abandoned proper punctuation. It's okay Jen -- we love you! Might I suggest a delicious cocktail? (Though it's only 8:30 a.m. here?) We love you! Don't let those bad bakers get you down!
The mold cake and the shrimp cake...I have no words.
P.S. Forgot to say how much the one nipple and the beaver pelt comments in your captions absolutely made my day! Thanks Jen!
True story: I spent a few homeless years in Tallahassee, FL and, yes, I did eat out of garbage cans sometimes. Life was hard.
But one thing I learned quickly: "it's probably still fresh if the ants haven't found it yet."
EACH one of these cakes begs the question of the bakers:
"WHAT were you THINKING?"
Mold, SHRIMP (seriously.... SHRIMP?) feathers? And... ANTS????? I'm reminded of the wonderful 50s classic "THEM" when James Arness turns to (I think) James Whitmore and says "ANTS? I don't believe it!" Auck!
Hilarious, as always. People never fail to amuse me. Too, too funny
Save me a slice of that nipple!
I was curious about the torta langostinos, figuring it had to be a savory rather than sweet dish, and man, I have to say, after looking up a recipe, it looks amazing.
I should be polite and NOT laugh about the ' one nipple ' but I did anyway . Priceless .
Okay, I looked up Tarta de langostinos (the shrimp cake) and I'm going to suggest that it doesn't belong here.
It's apparently a fairly popular dish. It's not actually cake under the shrimp, it's a layer of either a kind of tuna salad or potato salad. Or apparently, both are sometimes layered together.
The "nipples" on number 5 look more like skin cancer.
"Nipples" appears to have a menorah inked where the abs usually are. And where, oh where, can I get royal blue pompom panties like those at the bottom of the cake? My look needs these!
"Feathers" is definitely disgusting! There's a reason that "pretty bird" and "dirty bird" refer to the same thing. EwEwEWWWW!!! The wrinkley plastic tablecloth really gives it class, though.
My daughter is taking an entomology course this semester, and the course project is to raise a colony of edible insects, create a recipe, prepare said recipe, and serve it to the biology department. I'm guessing they'd get a great deal of negative feedback if this were an equine studies course. Anyway, I'm going to send her a copy of the ant cake. Seems like an easy B.
The "spleen" actually looks like a pair of barbecue wings to me. Those also don't belong on cakes.
I'm not quite as anti-ant as you. However:
1. Cartooniness is key. They should, unlike real ants, have two humanoid eyes with scleras and pupils and maybe irises. They should also have pleas-ant smiles. They should NOT look like you need an exterminator.
2. I can only think of one situation that would call for them. Imagine you're someone's sister. (If it's true, even better.) The person you're a sister to has his/her first child. Perfect time to break out the "I'm an ANT!" cake. If you share this change of status with others (whether your sisters or in-laws, permission granted to have more than one. But only then. And the iced caption would be "We're ANTS!"
Shrimp "cake" is indeed not an actual sweet cake. It's in the same category as Sandwich Cakes:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sm%C3%B6rg%C3%A5st%C3%A5rta
The shrimp is absolutely in the right place :-)
I'd take that shrimp cake -- deep fried!
Kings Cake, anyone?
lol
From what i can see of the ingredients on the second cake (Mayo? Lemon? Salsa?) it's possible that is a variation of savory "sandwich cake" I learned about this year. Popular in Sweden, known there as a "smorgastarta" it's a cake made of layers of bread and sandwich filling, frosted with a mayo-based spread, and decorated with vegetables, cold cuts, and seafood https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sm%C3%B6rg%C3%A5st%C3%A5rta
So I am at home with the flu and running a 100-degree fever. When I saw the nipple cake, I thought it was something from "The Lion King."
I think I need to put down the computing devices and go back to bed. Hakuna matata!
It's not actually mold on the cake, it's black sanding sugar on whipped icing. When you sprinkle the sugar on whipped cream it eventually dissolves and leaves the color behind.
I am betting you actually have 2 nipples yourself. Not just one.
That actually looks more like a placenta to me....
How many people even know what a spleen looks like?
Why does that tooth have nipples?! And I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to be pink...
The Shrimp cske is actually very nice. It's from a Spanish supermarket and has no cake at all. It's bread, seafood salad, pink sauce and Shrimp. Nothing sweet.
Cake #1 may be a placenta cake. I hope not, but that's what it's going to be in my nightmare tonight.
Can I add dirty belly buttons to that list?
I mean, ok, it's easy to overlook the belly button when it's hiding under the Zoidberg abs and asymmetrical nipples, and I'm generally opposed to cake belly buttons on the same grounds as cake nipples. It's just icky and cake shouldn't be icky. But this is a ~discolored~ belly button. That cake needs an MRI or a perception cream, or at least a qtip...but I think it's safe from forks.
My mind always goes to Paul Reubens as The Spleen in Mystery Men, which makes that cake even more repulsive!
The shrimp "cake" contains whisky, so how bad can it be?
I think the "spleen" is actually a fruit preserve spread on top. But still not something I would eat lol.
That first one looks more like a pancreas to me, so maybe if you were looking for a birthday cake for an endocrinologist. Or the second one could be suitable for a prawnologist. Is prawnologist even a word? If you can use 'organesque', I can use 'prawnologist'. The third one, for somebody who is just starting out on the study of anatomy, the fourth one for a post-graduate student who has spent the last three years in India studying the ablutionary non-habits of peacocks, the fifth one is obviously intended for a mycology conference and the sixth one for a person training in trichology. There. See? Perfectly rational rationales for all these cakes...
Uh, no, really, I got nothing.
The nipples are too close together so they seem like eyes. The cake appears to be staring at me and smiling creepily...and I am now traumatized! Please make it stop!!!
#1. Unlike the prior spleen, which was a Whistling Spleen, this one appears to be playing the bagpipes.
#2. Apparently my dislike of rubbery little crustaceans makes me a weirdo, so I have no comment on the second cake. The third cake actually makes more sense as something from The Lion King, despite the blue fluffy clown collar. The fourth cake? >Hurk< Moving on... Regarding the fifth cake, I have only one word: Salmonella. With paisleys. Okay, three words.
I decline to acknowledge the final two cakes. Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away... >urp<
A spleen is a large, gelatinous, bloody organ. Why, yes, I do work in surgery!! A gallbladder is a cute, blue/green, finger length organ. Clearly, you see the humor... Er... Whatever these cakes are supposed to be.
So the shrimp cake is actually a traditional Swedish sandwich cake. It's savory and not sweet and is made with bread and seafood and amazing things and I love them and they're the best.
Your Scandinavian sandwich cake is a real thing and a common thing in Minnesota. It's a sandwich loaf. It looks like a torte but the 'frosting' is cream cheese and the middle is layered egg salad, ham salad, and tuna salad within a loaf of bread sliced horizontally. It is something to behold. It's pictured here, in the photo on the left, with pretty violet flowers on top. http://www.mountroyalfinefoods.com/departments/party-planning/
*takes notes*
No nipples on any naked torso cake shipped to Jen.
Wow! Two trips to the bunker in as many days. Brings back memories. Did anyone remember to feed Theardare? ;)
The shrimp cake looks like something from Mid Century Menus.
Thanks for the retro chuckles today, Jen.
There's actually something else about the nipple cake that bothers me much, much more than the nipples. Can we just take a moment to appreciate that gloriously unwashed belly button? That's something you (THANKFULLY!) don't see every day . . . on cake anyway. Also, I realize that several have pointed out that the shrimp cake is not actually a cake, but I had to share this true story. When I was 17 I prepared a nice dinner for my dad for his birthday. Boiled shrimp, various sides, and (of course) birthday cake. That was the year I learned that if you bake a cake while boiling shrimp, your cake comes out tasting just like shrimp!!! Worst cake ever!
I really hope the #1 was just a baker who is hard of hearing. I hope the call went something like "I need the cake to say 'Hurry back, Tammy' and just draw whatever works with that". "Hairy back, sure, gotcha." "No I said hurry oh nevermind ill just send it to cakewrecks..."
Speaking of feathers, the local supermarket bakery has begun labeling "bear claws" as "angel wings". Politically correct? Patooie! When thinking of biting into an "angel wing", I think of a mouthful of dry, tough feathers. Urp! With a few ants on it for good measure
It looks like two or three people TRIED to launch an EPCOT on the tarta. How long has it been, anyway? Anything even remotely close to that one epic Marti Gras? Is the Bunker / Resort / Etc still open? I've been away for awhile. Not 'away' as in locked up somewhere, but just, you know, kind of not there. Not 'not there' as in needing a rubber hat, but not present. In cyberspace. Ok, here. Oy.
I think it's just fun to say "Spleen". =-)
Now I'm ashamed that I didn't see that blur as a dirty belly button. It looked to me like a tuft of lower abdomen hair that has been crudely called a "joy trail". Sorry to bring everyone down to my adolescent humor, but these things happen in middle age.
Ants do love poo.