[The following are paid political advertisements by the candidates for East Paulsbo Bakery Oversight Commissioner, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Cake Wrecks or its affiliates.]
Faith. Trust. Pixie dust. These are just a few of the things Ernie Snerdbergler brings to East Paulsbo bakeries. So tomorrow, vote America. Vote for your bakeries. Vote Snerdbergler.
Mort Furfingdon loves two things: America and East Paulsbo bakeries. If elected, Mort promises to eliminate that sketchy-sounding "pixie dust" and bring back good, old-fashioned sprinkles:
So tomorrow, vote for Mort Furfingdon, East Paulsbo. Because any way you slice it, Mort Furfingdon is top tier.
Ernie Snerdbergler also loves sprinkles, but won't stoop to bad puns to win your vote, East Paulsbo. That's because Ernie Snerdbergler has integrity. Ernie Snerdbergler has innovation. And Ernie Snerdbergler has free cupcakes for everyone if he's elected.
Mort Furfingdon will ALSO give you free cupcakes, East Paulsbo, not just the icing on top like that other guy, who is totally stingy.
Also, did you know Mort's opponent hates grandmothers?
So tomorrow, think of your grandma, East Paulsbo. Vote for Mort Furfingdon.
MORT FURFINGDON IS A FILTHY LIAR.
He also colludes with Satan and has a weird foot thing.
Do you want a guy with a weird foot thing overseeing your bakeries, East Paulsbo? I didn't think so. VOTE SNERDBERGLER.
Ernie Snerdbergler is actually the devil. He kicks the seat in front of him on airplanes and thinks Val Kilmer was the best Batman.
With him in charge, our bakeries will burn, your children will become drug addicts, and life as we know it WILL END.
:: The East Paulsbo Gazette interrupts these campaign commercials to ask both candidates to "chill the heck out" and maybe eat a Snickers. We'd also like to wish you all a happy voting day tomorrow. ::
Thanks to Kelley B., Lindsey S., Lisa, Kaitlyn P., Monique R., Jessica S., & Missy B., who know Keaton was the best Batman, so there.