Ode To Moms' Body of Work
May 8, 2015 WARNING: Today's cakes depict childbirth, and are therefore not appropriate for children. Enjoy the irony. (And I'm guessing your boss won't approve, either.)
***
Today, my dear minions, we look at the beauty of motherhood.
;)
...in all its lumpy, oh-so-appetizing glory.
;)
(Anyone else see a screaming face in there?)
Yes, moms, you are the oysters from which baby pearls spring.
You are the pod, full of anthropomorphic pea people.
You are the oven, stuffed with DANG GIRL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HANDS?!
;)
Ahem. Sorry.
I of course meant "what's wrong with your glorious hands?"
Moms, we all know that giving birth is your single most crowning achievement - and I mean that in the most literal way possible.
;)
So lets thank the anonymous submitter who made this photo collage for us. Just think: without the upper right angle there, we'd never have known this cake had an anus!
Moms assure me you forget all that pain, though, once they bring out your little bundle, all wrapped up:
;)
Not like that.
NOT LIKE THAT!
;)
Uh... You know, on second thought, let's get that plastic wrap back on.
So here's to you, moms, as you look forward to the day when all the sleepless nights and cleaning poop out of your hair will be worth it.
Because someday - maybe even one day soon! - your kids will realize everything you've done for them, and will want to express to you exactly how they feel.
;)
And it will be glorious.
Happy Mother's Day, moms.
Thanks to Janie M., Hannah L., Anony M., Joshua T., & Candy D. for reminding us that Moomy knows best.
*****
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Reader Comments (74)
And of course, that glorious hand had to sport a wedding ring because, you know, childbirth out of wedlock is simply inconceivable, and especially because all women keep it on all the way until placenta expulsion.
I will NEVER understand in this life (or the next 5) how anyone can think this is a GOOD idea. Someone please pass the brain bleach, eye bleach and the screaming jar...AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
On the flip side, Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom Wrekkies hanging out at CW today.
Everything about this post traumatizes me. *shudders*
Oh, my ever-lovin' word. I will never understand. Never, ever, ever. <gurgh>
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously? An anus on a cake? What is wrong with people?
'...this cake had an anus.' Never use that in a sentence again. Never. I mean ever.
*wanders off gently sobbing*
That one in plastic wrap is so incredibly lifelike! As well as the one before it is pretty accurate for the parts it does show...
As if the birth cake weren't traumatic enough...the...moisture depicted...I...just can't. Gaaaahhhhh!!
Moomy! Moomy! You ruined me forever! Who the heck is Moomy? Oh....
5 words you really never want to hear..."the cake has an anus."
ok, the first cake looks like a pregnant BOOB, not belly!
and a face presentation would be hella painful, but i guess the cake would just be boring if it only showed the top of the baby's head...
@Athena:"...childbirth out of wedlock is simply inconceivable..." Is this pun intentional?--because GOOD one! The lady in the yellow dress is in for a hard time; judging by the size of that foot, she's going to be giving birth to her "baby" on its first day of school. For that matter, the kid can walk to it. (Don't forget to send a piece of baby for the teacher!)
=^-.-^=
This will be the first official Mother's Day for my daughter and the second since my mom passed away. I've been weepy all week. Thanks Jen for helping dry up my tears and replacing them with the WTFrosting scowl.
Was sitting in a meeting this moring and was VERY bored. So I pulled out my phone to check Cake Wrecks.
Saw the pregnant belly, and that was all I needed to see. I didn't think it would be very polite to hurk during the presentation, so I switch back to boredom.
After seeing the rest, I'll take the boredom!
Can someone point me in the direction of the mind bleach? You can't unsee that crowning collage! EEK! I think I'm scarred for life!!
😳😱🙀😱🙀😱🙀😱🙀😱🙀😱🙀😱🙀😲
Who the #-++& is ordering those cakes?! Who?!?!?!??
Hands: Obviously, the parasite starts by absorbing all of the calcum from its host's body, so the host cannot escape.
What the &#$@?!! Who calls a bakery and says, "Yeah, I want a cake depicting a baby's face crowning. And make it as lifelike as possible. Oh, and don't forget the anus." And what baker in their right mind AGREES to make such a monstrosity? Have these bakers no self respect?!? The customer is very, very wrong in this case. Just say no! Anyone who would want to memorialize such a thing, and in cake no less, is seriously disturbed. Naked cake baby sans arm is also pretty creepy. Thanks for letting me rant.
There are few cake wrecks whose defects can't be solved with a knife cutting them into pieces. Two of those cakes are right here. Ick.
On the other hand, the Kanye cookie is pretty good.
::curls up in a ball - sobs silently in the corner::
I think the baby in the photo collage has the worst case of Meconium Aspiration ever, hurk.
Holy frosted butthole, that might be the grossest thing I've ever seen.
Sure I just had to look at these right after realizing that I'm 6 days late!
#1 "Anyone else see a screaming face in there?" (ahehehe). Nope. Just mine.
#2 (Former) Professor Lockhart up to his old tricks again. Where's the Skele-Gro?
#3 Two things: 1) Why is the anus brown? No. On second thought, I really do not want to know.
2) Suction, STAT!
#4 I thought the first picture was so wrong, seeing a newborn wrapped in Saran Wrap. Not so bad, now,
after seeing someone has eaten the poor baby's hand! And the cake looks like hamburger inside! I
guess it wouldn't have been so disturbing if the baker hadn't done such a great job. Yay?
#5 At first I thought that said "you win my life moomy". Ahhh, it says 'ruin'. That fits the context of your post
better. Is anyone else picturing a little boy with a gas mask on walking around asking, "Are you my
moomy"?
These remind me of the story of how Stevie Wonder wrote "Isn't She Lovely?" when his daughter was born and how he is surely one of the only people who could write a positive song about any one of these cakes.
Anyhoo:
Aren't these ugly?
Aren't these ter-ri-ble?
Aren't these awful?
Makes my old blood run cold.
I never thought I'd live to see
Something worse than cake number three
But isn't four horrid
Dear Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockey, it really is, isn't it? I mean, who thought that was okay. "Dessert is served! Please help yourself to some dismembered baby." Did everybody say. "OOOH, isn't that lovely (sorry.) Did no one have the guts (sorry) to stand up and say, "NO, Do not cut that baby (Book of Mormon, anyone. Anyone?) Okay, I'm done. Happy Mothers' Day.
Are you my moomy?
The hand has a wedding ring because the mom has a wedding ring. It's not some kind of political statement. Not that there aren't cakes that make political statements; not that there aren't cakes that make political statements horrifically badly--but this is probably just the mom's wedding ring. And apparently also her boneless and/or broken fingers. Ouch. Hiding my hands just looking at that thing.
Why? whhhhhhhy? whyyyyyyy? This proves earth is the truck stop bathroom of the universe.
So, this has created a new syndrome: Traumatic Post Stress Disorder. I'll be seeking therapy this afternoon.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU ALL MY FELLOW MOM CAKE-WRECK-A-HOLICS! On that note, I sent this link to a good gal pal of mine, who just happens to be a Doctor. An OB-GYN. I can't wait to hear her reaction! And as a medic, I've assisted in the delivery of a couple of bouncing babies, and trust me, these cakes make ME want the eye and brain Bleach! The comments you guys provide are hilarious! No wonder this is my favorite web site!
You warned me. I should have waited til I finished lunch. Some things are learned the hard way.
Omg the bum hole! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What's wrong with her hands?? I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with her boobs!
These cakes would make a great sex education class. "And this, girls, is what happens if you don't keep those little legs CROSSED." Makes me glad my child bearing years are over!
WHY do I look at this site while I am taking a break? Eating something? The site loads as I am taking a bite and then I spit things out all over my desk. I can't think anything else worse than that crowning cake. Other than say a Spanish Inquisition cake. AHHHHH don't give any baker that idea!!!!
<snerk>
The baby in the collage has meconium aspiration to go along with its broken neck. Yikes!
The 18 year old walked into the room as I was staring gape-mouthed at the baby in plastic wrap. As I scrolled down, the teen exclaimed, "Ooh my God...could they have made it another flavor besides strawberry?!" Well played, baker, well played.
Um.................
Sorry. Adjectives fail me.
(a cake with a bung-hole............really? REALLY???)
Anyway: Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mommies out there!!
Jen: This posting warrants a MUCH stronger warning. This post will be short, since I have to go lie down now.
These cakes should be included in sex education! Not for their realistic depictions but just the idea that if you get preggo, kiddo, your b****y friends might try to ruin your baby shower by giving you one of these cakes. I guarantee the teen pregnancy rate will plummet. That and the population of earth in general.
Please send me to the universe where cakes like this are a capital crime!!!!!!!!
The crowning ones.... just... ugh... wow.. eww.. huh!? The baby looks like it has a giant blood clot in it's mouth. That alone just grosses me out!
@Just Andrea ~ I wasn't picturing that but I am now. Thanks for that. o.O
That poor, dismembered baby.
Aside from the basic horror of birth cakes, I'm pretty sure most vaginas and anuses point in the same general direction, so crowning meconium death baby mama seems to be destined to a life of pooping out her spine.
After performing episiotomies, cutting the wrecktum cake should be a cinch.
O.M.G.
I'm sitting at my desk in the office wheezing with laughter and everyone in here has to come over and see what I'm laughing at. I have tears running down my face.
These, literally, TAKE THE CAKE. No - Really. Please take the cake out of here! Everyone has said it - SueBee you really said it best and Virginai " This proves earth is the truck stop bathroom of the universe." you nailed it as well.
I too thought the first cake was a boob with some sort of horrible defect -- did she try and jump off the building and the baby and uterus moved UP into her breasts? The collage is more than I can bear to look at. One wonders and then pushes that thought verrrry far away, why is the stuff in the baby's mouth the same color as... oh nevermind...
The severed hand. Oh, I won't sleep tonight. Visions of saran-wrapped babies dancing in my brain. My eyes! My eyes!
I'm beginning to think there are Bakeries out there taunting you, Jen. They DARE you to post their cakes! These are absolutely NSFW, but it's too late.
I have to go wash my eyes out with something...
WHO gets the piece with the anus on it?!?!