Rhymin' Wreckers
August 18, 2014 What if cakes were the last lines in really bad poems?
Come, my friends. LET US DREAM TOGETHER.
Work anniversary
Head of the class
A lousy coffee cup??
;)
You'll get no bars here
No cells in this park
So let's give a cheer:
;)
Not sure how it works -
The questions are numerous
Still, hooray for you!
;)
Like, this is totes "no"
ROTFL 4ever
ANYway, so,
;)
Beard scruff and muscles
Scratchin' all day
Something that rhymes with muscles
;)
With age comes wisdom
If I may be so bold
To the smartest friend I know:
;)
I'm hip and I'm fly
All the bros know me
Ladies, I go by
;)
Thanks to Anony M., Sarah S., Derek, Anony M., Melissa H., Karen T., & Hannah D. for helping us celebrate Bad Poetry Day without even knowing it.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (47)
Your scansion is awesome
Your word choice sublime
My friend, you have a
Great gift for rhyme.
Stop these poems!
Now! I mean it!
Anybody want
A peanut?
At least cake #2 properly used a comma after "parole"--even if it's a bit oversized. However, the two roses at the top look like staring eyes.
Sung to "Sometimes When We Touch"
It's an oldie, so: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blz71TWLbC8
Your ass cake's why I love you, you're such an awesome guy
I'm glad you're getting out of jail, but Mark, that means goodbye
And who am I to judge you, for a lady part or two?
I'm only just now comfortable saying whatevs to you
And sometimes -- just a touch...
Your manhood's just too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
You're looking good for an old guy
Dear God, that's not a lie
You're my Homie. Please don't think I'm being snide.
********
Ack, I see a typo in my previous poem! *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
(only had to read it five times to find it. All fixed :) - the wrecksistant)
Lovin' the rhymes! Here's one for the Manhood -
Beard scruff and muscles
Scratchin' all day
Killin' critters what rustles
Manhood hooray!
or perhaps...
Beard scruff and muscles
Scratchin' all day
Eye-ballin' them bustles
Manhood hooray!
Let's hear it for Manly Men!
Re cake #1: I can guess what the two grey circles with the black swoosh might represent, (rhyming with class) but I can't work out what that extra bit shaped like a beaver's tail is supposed to be. So obviously, I haven't "got it" yet. I anxiously await the rest of you commenters to enlighten me and end my innocence. <drumming nervously> Do I really want to know?
Strong red corpuscles/Manhood hooray?
20 years my a$$,
Happy Parole, Mark.
Isn’t that a private thing that shouldn’t be publically frosted on a cake?
I’m in the dark.
Happy New Uterus??!
That sounds obscene!
And for whatever reason would you say this to someone: “Happy Whatever”?
I don’t get this scene.
Manhood Hooray!
Ah…that’s rather bold,
(But, fortunately for everyone, I don’t think there will be an issue and I think that we’re safe, ‘cause
Dear God You’re Old.)
And, really, bud,
You’re the #1 Homie?
The ladies don’t think you’re “fly” – if you look you’ll see that they all flee
‘Cause you’re full of bologna!
The pen, they say,
Is mightier than the sword,
But when it comes to carefully crafted and clever, well-written poetical expression, I like cake
To get the last word.
So, got a message to give?
A statement to make?
Forget that old FDT (Florists Telegraph Delivery Association, now Interflora) slogan “Say it with flowers,”
Just say it with cake!
I am still stuck on the new uterus cake....so many compelling questions...Who? WHY? Huh?????
That first one.... is that supposed to be an Ass' ass?? Otherwise -- I got no words.
I must say, though, that these are all nicely decorated. Well, except for the first one.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@Birdergirl: I, too, am baffled. Were they trying to show the animal pooping? If so, then it's . . . misaligned, shall we say.
I love this post.
@mel ~ Homie/bologna! Nice!!!
It's like I won the happiness lottery today.
biting
cutting
designed to kill
your words cannot harm me
there is cake
I love how bakers wreck cakes.
I love how Jen creates a mean rhyme.
I love how viewers respond.
Oh, tell me it's Cake Wrecks time.
The bakers keep making mistakes.
Jen and Company make comments sublime.
Commenters, please critique those cakes
And tell me it's Cake Wrecks time.
The first one is "20 years, my arse", showing a donkey's behind complete with tail, I assume (<--- see what I did there?!)
For the uterus one, I thought it might be after a surgical procedure leading the recipient to think that her uterus felt like new.
@Jodee: thanks…I is a real poet...not a phogna…
Ok. I was listening to Lady Gaga when I saw this post, so here it goes:
These cake wrecks today,
they are beautiful - Hey!
These are not cake wrecks, baby,
they were ordered that way!
Don't get me down today
for celebrating that way,
these are not cake wrecks, baby,
they were ordered that way!
They are spelled ok - Yeay!
Though it should be "you're" not "your" - Hey,
these are not cake wrecks, baby,
they were ordered that way!
Celebrate your parole day
in your own "whatever" way
So you have a new uterus,
don't be weirded out
celebrate with us!
Whatever's happy today
write on a cake in your way,
it's not a cake wreck, baby,
it was ordered that way!
Admit it, you're dancing now, aren't you?!
Puberty is growth.
I know what rhymes with "muscles."
Brussels, Homie, sprouts.
Thanks, Wrecksistant! You're the best!
I think the er, um, beaver tail is the animal's raised hoof -- about to kick the viewer.
@Birdergirl and @TLC: my guess is that the extra grey part on the left is part of the animal's leg, and the two grey things at the top are its ears -- the rest of the animal is buried under the frosting-- it's probably to emphasize the particular "part.” And, perhaps the white represents snow, as in "this is a snow job," or, maybe, it suggests, “this job is for sh*t,” and instead of all brown frosting they went with white guano…but I dunno…
@TLC, @Birdergirl:
The "beaver tail" is actually the rear left leg; why the other one isn't shown is beyond me. The two grey monolith thingies are the ears. The idea is that it's an equine sunk into the cake. (I'm not sure if I'm proud or scared that I get that.)
My eldest is off to school today
I thought the house would be quiet
But apparently not so.Youngest
Is declaring she's bored she'll die; It
Will take a "Friend like me"
To brighten her blue
This house needs magic
Robin, we still need you
A one pound homie
Now on parole
Vows more cake wrecks
'Cuz thatz how he rollz.
I sure hope Mark likes yellow roses. If he doesn't, his parole might be very short.
I thought maybe the first is "20 years - my tale", trying to be funny and misspelling "tale".
And on the ass cake, that's not even a proper jackass/donkey tail. Those should look like Eeyore's tail, not a lovely fluffy horse tail. Of course, many wreckorators would end up with something unintentionally phallic, with that tuft of black hair on the tip.
Today actually is my birthday.
I kinda liked the Dear God your old (supposed to be you're)...I had cake this weekend, but that would have been a funny cake.
Suggestion for something that rhymes with muscles: no hugs, just tussles
I like to think that the decorator added the question mark at the end of the 'new uterus' cake because, even after double-checking the order, they couldn't figure out what that was supposed to mean either.
Introducing the 'Happy Whatever' cake: perfect for when you have no idea what you were invited to but want to ensure that there is cake.
I'm assuming that the 'Manhood Hooray' cake was for a bar-mitsvah, even though it doesn't quite fit. I just can't think of any other occasion that would merit that cake.
Beard scruff and muscles
Scratchin' all day
[how about:] With power tools he tussles [!]
If you're happy and you know it, buy a cake
If you're happy and you know it, buy a cake
If you're going to get parole or a new organ is your goal
If you're happy and you know it, buy a cake
If you're a man and you know it, shout hooray
If you're old then you know it's not your day
Happy whatever gets a pass but 20 years my a$$
One hashtag homie wants to celebrate
Cake# 6 leaves us hanging. Your old what?? Maybe if we flip the piece of chocolate over we'll find out...
I read #3 as "Happy now, uterus??!!" The cake is a conciliatory gift for a disgruntled womb or a back handed pregnancy congratulations.
Love the poetry! This should become a regular feature! Hilarious!
This is my favorite Cake Wrecks post. Well done!
The first one certainly looks like a horse's arse, which is fine, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing on a cake which is apparently intended to congratulate. But what I can't figure out is why the horse(if that's what it is) looks like it's duck diving into a pool of milk. And IS that weird lump a poo? Can a horse swim and poo at the same time? Why would a horse want to duck dive? It's a horse. And why in milk? It couldn't see anything. Especially if it swims face first into a cloud of its own shite.
One pound homie?
I would love to know how a new uterus is possible lol. Then again with wrecks it seems just about anything is possible these days.
Can you just get a new uterus? I'm planning to get Ursula taken out, but I didn't know I could upgrade.
The first is a one-trick pony (failing badly at a new trick - marshmallow wallowing), the last is a one-number homie. (ba-dum-tish!)
...I take that to mean he can't remember his phone number or PIN or password or shoe size or even the first 25 digits of Pi, but fortunately he found a shirt with the name number as his house, so at least people can help him get home each day. Probably the Manhood Hooray cake is for him, too. I imagine it's his catchphrase whenever someone asks him a difficult question like "Phew, man, why do you stink so bad?" or "Why can't you put the toilet seat down occasionally?" or "Did you really think Granny's 80th would be better with strippers?"
Is it wrong that I wanted Mark's parole cake to have the words written in a big smiley curve around the edge so it looked like a happy face instead of a gritted-teeth bug-eyed monster?
The second last cake uses the principle of 'a picture's worth 1000 words' and should read something like:
"Dear God,
Your old cherry grove was overburdened with fruit so I went to the shed and found a bucket and a ladder, then took them both to the orchard. I leaned the ladder against a tree and climbed aloft, but was disappointed to find all the fruit had been pecked by birds...[continue for another 918 words]...and that's how I made this tasty-looking dessert, which I am leaving on the alter in the cathedral, since the postal service declined to deliver it to you.
Sincerely,
Your faithful believer. "
Of course, the poor baker realised four words in that his or her letter to God would not all fit on the slab of chocolate and had to leave the (rather tedious) tale truncated. Fortunately, God is omniscient, so it's all ok. :-)
The roses on the parole cake look like staring eyes, anyone else notice?
It took me a bit to get the "ass" thing on #1...at first I thought it was rocks with poop on them, then I realized it was supposed to be a donkey partially submerged in the cake....O_o
Why on earth is that poor horse/donkey drowning in a milk like substance? *shudder*
These need to be on greeting cards. :)
And, FWIW, I think it's "Happy now, Uterus!!?" and that it's a hysterectomy cake but I definitely snorted at the idea of getting an upgrade.
I've been watching an Irish guy on YouTube all day named Jacksepticeye, so my brain read all of these with an accent.
Also, I love how the manly cake looks like muscle tissue.
I used to decorate cakes at an ice cream store and the things some customers wanted written on the cakes were rediculous. There was a "F**k you Jim", "Bleached Anus", "It's my birthday and I'm a huge slut!". Ive had people have me write random letters, not as decoration either. Some people are just strange =\