New Discoveries in the Animal Kingdom
June 4, 2014 I believe that all new scientific discoveries should be announced via cake, don't you?
[pushing back glasses and consulting clipboard] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present...
;)
The Majestic Bagel-Nosed Falcon of Uganda!
Or it might be a fish. Fish...falcon...you know. Whatevs.
[Shuffling papers] Next we have...
;)
The Majestic Happy Chicken-Footed Spiny-Backed Slime Devil.
(Watch out; they spit.)
We're still working on the scientific name for this one:
;)
So for now let's just call it the Majestic Coiled Crap Hound.
(I think that has a real ring to it, don't you?)
Here we have a particularly colorful specimen:
;)
The Majestic Disco Newt! Let's pause a moment to admire his beautiful plumage.
Right. That's long enough.
And finally, we have...
;)
The Majestic Three-Toed Four-Eyed Whiskered Zebra Toad.
(Yeah, you heard me. ZooBorns, eat your heart out.)
Thanks to Kelly D., Kit R., Caitlin B., Jordan J. and Donald L., who are all, er, majestic.
*****
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Reader Comments (58)
Sung to "Daniel in the Den"
Wrecking along
At a pace unknown to man
NO NO NO NO NONONO
NO NO NO NO
And you thought these cakes were bad
The falcon traumatized my mother
And for every cake they cut
I would buy another
And it's harder than you think
Buying cakes for one another
Four eyed zebra toad
Has traumatized my mother
Wrecked in the night by the cakes I thought I loved
They just look like poo
Wrecked in the night by the cakes I thought I loved
They just look like poo...
May Tigger, forgive me.
The wonderful thing about craphounds
Is craphounds are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of crap
Their bottoms are made out of, well, crap
They're crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy,
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh
But the most wonderful thing about craphounds?
This is the only one. Yes, it's the only one.
Disco, Disco Newt
has a personal name, too.
It's Simon, he says.
Is this a re-run? That craphound--I know I've seen it before...
[Editor's note- Yup. On Wednesdays, we put up one of the classics and label it a wrecky replay. We have quite a few new readers who haven't had the chance to read all 3,000 posts. On Wednesdays, I give Jen a break and put up one of our favorites from '09 or '10. Have an awesome day! -john (thoJ)]
@TheCreepyTribble_BWAHAHAHAHA
Majestic Coiled Crap Hound? Looks more like a brown banded Arma-doodoo...
Am I wrong to persist in my belief that the motion picture version of Steel Magnolias (the one with Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacClaine etc.) was the turning point of the cake decorating industry in America? Because of the Armadillo Red Velvet Grooms cake? I remember pure white crisco-cream frosted fountains of wedding cakes in the 1970s and 1980s. I remember colorful Wilton style piped frosting birthday cakes shaped like Pac-Man and Spider Man in 1970s and 1980s. All the other cakes just looked like cakes until I saw my first fondant style wedding cake sometime in the early 1990s.
But the real trend toward cake art, nationally, seemed to explode right around the time that red velvet Armadillo Cake hit the big screen.
Clearly number three is some kind of POOch...
#3 is the oft stepped on Turdadillo. Is known to linger in tall grasses, and when stepped on by the unsuspecting barefoot or flip flop wearer, it will emit a squishy, toe- encasing defensive slime and squeal "Peeeooooooop!"
They were surely all discovered in the bottom of the ocean. Because, you know, it's in the bottom of the ocean that the weirdest and freakiest new species are discovered.
[Arms raised up, bowing down] @TheCreepyTribble
[Standing, clapping and shouting] @SuBee
[Grinning and waving] @Jen and @THOJ
I would totally eat that crap hound.
@ Lorie: Ha ha ha ha ha. And also, Ick.
Nice one, TheCreepyTribble
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
That last one is just bizarre. I can't even imagine what it is *supposed* to be!
I am awed by your ability to come up with anything to call those atrocities. I have no idea what they are supposed to be.
Thanks for posting these each day! They always make me smile!
Enjoying the comments more than the cakes XD although since the crap hound is a mound of chocolate i'd still eat it O_o
Dick and Jane Review the Wrecks
“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “Look at this cake. Funny, funny cake.”
“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “I see the funny, funny cake. What is it?”
“It looks like throw up,” said Jane. “Throw up with eyes.”
“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “You said throw up. That’s gross. Gross, gross, gross.”
“What is that next thing?” said Jane.
“I don’t know,” said Dick. “Here comes Sally. Let’s ask her.”
“Oh, Sally,” said Jane. “Do you know what this is?”
“Oh, Dick, Oh, Jane,” said Sally. “That is yuk. See the yuk. Look, Dick, look. Look, Jane, look. Yuk, yuk, yuk. I saw our dog Spot make that once. He was sick. Sick, sick, Spot. He ate some grass and made green throw up just like that.”
“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “Now you said throw up. When can I say throw up?”
“Oh, Dick,” said Sally. “Only girls can say throw up.”
“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “What do boys say?”
“Boys say barf,” said Sally.
“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “That is the sound Spot makes. Spot goes barf, barf, barf. Funny, funny Spot.”
“Look, look,” said Jane. “Look at the next one. It looks like poop.”
“Run,” said Dick. “Run, run, run.”
“Silly, silly Dick,” said Sally. “It is a cake. It is not really poop. Funny, funny cake. Funny, funny Dick.”
“If that is cake,” said Dick, “then Spot is leaving cakes all over the back yard.”
“Oh, Dick, said Sally. “Funny, funny Spot. He is a baker. He bakes poop cakes every day.”
“Oh, Jane. Oh, Sally. You both said poop. I want to say poop.”
“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “Boys don’t say poop. Only girls can say poop.”
“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “What do boys say?”
“Boys say bowel movement,” said Jane.
“Bowel movement?” said Dick. “No sh*t.”
“Look,” said Sally, “Look, look, look. What is that one?”
“I think that is a happy Disco Newt who just got married in Illinois,” said Jane.
“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “What does that mean?”
“Ask Mom,” said Jane.
“I see one more funny cake,” said Dick. “But do not touch it. You will get warts.”
“Oh, Dick,” said Sally. “You cannot get warts from a cake. Silly, silly Dick.”
“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “You can get frosting warts. Billy at school toad me so.”
“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “You made a joke. Ha, ha, ha. Funny, funny Dick.”
The craphound looks a lot like my big fat chihuahua, Good Boy! Ah, good, good boy
@TheCreepyTribble: well done!
@SuBee: hahahaha....too funny...
@Haiku Joy: ha! very clever! you're amazing! again and again....
I think the first one is an anal retentive Q-Bert.
@Lorie... OMG I'm dying. Turdadillo!
Nice Aladdin reference; but no trunk action on this one.
The Majestic Coiled Crap Hound looks depressed. As well he might.
Ah! An excellent representation of the sadly extinct Disco Newt. (Unfortunately, it never mastered the art of camouflage, preferring instead to "hide" in tall grass. They could never adapt to predators always finding them.)
No no no! That's not a crap hound, it's a water-bear! http://www.wikihow.com/Find-and-Care-for-a-Pet-Tardigrade-(-Water-Bear-)
Oh my gosh, everybody is on FIRE today! And @mel, not only is that the best Dick and Jane story I have ever read, I nearly gave myself an asthma attack I was laughing so hard when I got to, “I think that is a happy Disco Newt who just got married in Illinois.” Hahahaha! You guys are as brilliant as @Jen and @thoJ!
The second one pretty much proved the theory of evolution and proves that evolution is a horrible, horrible thing, as do the rest of these.
I lived in Texas 25 years and I'm pretty sure the third one is a poo-covered armadillo. When seen, they are usually squished like that, but with the legs in the air. When they are spotted intact, it is usually followed by a crunching sound. Yep, armadillos really do make a crunching sound when they go under your tires.
LMAO!! I love Wrecky Replays if only so that our commenting crew gets to make new funnies.
@Sharyn, @Haiku Joy, and @mel - Fantastic!!
Special kudos to @mel - that was truly inspired!
Oh, and @SuBee and @TheCreepyTribble! Well done!
Is that a tail or a trail behind the craphound?
Is that a tail or a trail behind the craphound?
2 thumbs up for the Aladdin reference!!
Love the replays too!! Yinz guys are so awesome!!
Well, I saw a thing
A comin' out of the bakery
It had three toes
And four big eyes
I commenced to shakin'
And I said "oohwee
It looks like a Whiskered Zebra Toad to me"
It was a four-eyed, three-toed
Frosting Whiskered Zebra Toad
four-eyed, three-toed
Frosting Whiskered Zebra Toad
Sure looked strange to me
Four Eyes!
If you look at it the other way, the Disco Newt looks like a Cthulhu in a party outfit.
I wish there was a cake that looked like the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka
@TheCreepyTribble-BWAHAHAHAHA! I lost it at "the falcon traumatized my mother."
You are my new favorite commenter. Between Star Trek and Bastille, you're pretty darn awesome.
I should quit looking at these at work during my breaks. I'm going to get fired for making the building shake with my uncontrollable laughter! Goodness . . . Crap hound? Perfect!!!
It's a Beach Balligator!
The Majestic Disco Newt looks a great deal like a Barbapapa that lost his battle with a paint box.
The Majestic Coiled Crap Hound is, I think, supposed to be a Tardigrade.
I think the disco newt resembles an infant Dr. Zoidberg eating a beach ball. Amirite?!
Here is a link to a picture of a very realistic-looking armadillo cake.
http://whothrewthatham.blogspot.com/2008/07/red-velvetblood-red.html
I'm loving the poo-tipus and the technicolor tortoise.
“If that is cake,” said Dick, “then Spot is leaving cakes all over the back yard.” BUWahahahaahahaaaa!
Ooo! So so clever!
TheCreepyTribble, SuBee, Haiku Joy, Mel and Sandy - you all win the interwebs!
I love your story Mel. Love, love love. Even the part about barf. Gag, yak, hurl.
Big hugs for everyone!
This was one of the first posts I ever saw on Cake Wrecks and it is still my all-time favorite. Thank you for the reminder. Turdadillo and Armadoodoo are excellent alternate names for the majestic coiled craphound.
@Laura: Thank you for your comment; I’m glad you enjoyed Dick and Jane – they’re quite the kids…though I’m sorry about your near attack!
@lisadh: Thanks so much…(that is what happens when you don’t sleep well….)
@Degera: Thanks for the laughter…..
@krunchifrog: I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks for your support, and big hugs to you! (and hmmm…are you starting your own law firm: Gag, Yak & Hurl?)
Are you sure #1 isn't just a variety of Jive Turkey?
#2: well at least it isn't a Denebian slime-devil! But seriously, what in the hell could that thing possibly have been meant to be? Can you imagine the baker looking at that mess and going " yup! nailed it! ".
I was going to say that #3 looks like a 13-banded poo-madillo, but others have already noticed the same resemblance!
#4 is a non-copyright-infringing rendition of the Google Chrome logo, the inclusion of the turtle head represents the baker's opinion of Chrome's performance. The Chrome Turtle was originally part of a series also featuring the Internet Explorer Sea Amemone, Opera Chihuahua, Safari Zebu, and Firefox Cyborg-Wizard-Ninja-Kitsune. Thus, viewed in correct context, this cake is the only one here that actually makes sense.
#5: I can't stop looking at the zebra toad, it's oddly compelling, almost hypnotic....*sudden wall eyed stare* "ALL HAIL ZEBRA TOAD!"....*snaps out of it* ...hunh that was weird. Anyway, on second look, there's a blob of frosting on the back of the head which appears to be a third set of eyes! Or perhaps they're defensive false-eye markings?
I recently ordered the Joe Kubert School's "horror" correspondence course, now I think I'm going to return it. When they ask me why I don't want it, I'll just send them a link to this post; this is much more educational on how to create horrifying creatures!
@Chenaya Thank you for the link! It reactivated middle-school knowledge of what a tardigrade is. (I'm now 28, so remembering something I learned about one time in 7th grade & hadn't thought about since is really something) I'm totally going to go out & try to find some of the little micro-critters!
Well now I will be laughing for the next hour trying to get the name coiled majestic crap hound out of my head. Lol dang that is catchy.