How To Be Popular On The Internet
June 25, 2014 Today we're going to talk about what makes a successful blog post. Remember, it is very important to follow these instructions carefully, or else trolls may never find you and tell you how stupid you are.
Step 1:
Start with boobs.
;)
Because an internet without boobs is like fingers without bones: Horrifying.
Step 2:
Add adorable animals, like:
Kittens...
;)
Bunnies...
;)
And, of course, monkeys...
;)
...with boobs.
Now that you've captured the attention of your audience, it's time to talk about something important and life changing.
You know, like Kim Kardashian's divorce:
;)
And don't forget to sprinkle in a generous helping of "hip slang" for your peeps, yo!
;)
"J... J... Jammin' on the one."
Finally, once you've wowed your audience with your insightful wisdom, it's time to leave them wanting more. If you have more boobs, now would be a good time to use them.
;)
Unless they look like that.
If not, you can always say something about Justin Bieber:
;)
Because love him or hate him, he is the internet.
That and boobs.
Thanks to Kristen M., Christina E., Kara A., Bethany M., Sarah H., Jill H., Zoe B., and Anony M., who would NEVER marry for a TV show or for money. Uh...right, guys?
Reader Comments (48)
WhAt ThE HeCk Is WrOng WiTh ThAt BaBy!?!?!
I can't unsee it.
I am most concerned about the first pic looking like the aftermath of a porno…
Well, that and the baby boobs. *Insert joke in poor taste about kids feeding themselves* (Puns intended)
Wait, Justin Beiber is the internet AND boobs?
Ah, I see, this is the rest of that grammar lesson, right? Well, it is a dangling modifier, but not a dangling participle.
Go Dwags makes me laugh like a hyena! I like to wind up my 12 year old daughter by texting her using hashtags with teen text language ("Seriously, mum, nobody does that. STOP IT NOW"). I think I'll have to use this in one. Muahahahaha!
I thought cats were the internet (Justin Beiber does not exist in my world, lol).
jammin on the one. Cosby show reference?
Boobs. Cats. Kartrashians. The Biebs.
Yup -- I think you got it.
[me, glancing around] "Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?"
I thought the last one looked like the Tom Baker Doctor. With a scarf, albeit completely wrong-coloured.
WHY does the cat have 4 front feet? Poor mutant kitty!
And that bunny has red smeared all over its face. It must be Bunnicula, the vampire rabbit.
Bwah! The be-boobed monkey cracked me up like a teenaged boy!
Justin BEIBER? Did I miss a joke or did you just misspell BIEBER? Because that could be on one of your cake wrecks...
[Editor's note- Yeah, no, we totally meant to do that. Yeah. I can't believe you didn't get that... clever... joke. I'll just go ahead and change it though. Ya know. O.o -john (thoJ)]
If that's what boobs look like, I'm glad I don't have much of them.
And that rabbit. Looks like it hunted down a gazelle and is fresh from the feeding frenzy. Maybe we can train it to hunt down Justin Bieber.
Cannot unsee baby cake D: D: D:
I just know I'll be seeing that bunny in my nightmares tonight. <shudder>
The rabbit's nose looks like a sombrero. That's what I'm going to focus on so I can keep that poor mutilated baby cake out of my brain...
Julie, you're right! The cat does indeed have four front feet. Additionally, it seems to have a back foot and a back hoof. And at first it was just the devil's horns that disturbed me!
John, kudos on your good humored response!
That bunny cake is also the stuff of nightmares. Good thing there's the horrible baby cake to wipe that image out of my brain! What the heck is wrong with that baby's chest? And neck? Does it need skin removal surgery?
I thought I was the only one that remembered that Cosby Show reference
How Dehydrated Baby, Batman!
Just how long was that cake sitting in the display before it got that dehydrated . . . and dusty?
Thanks for the Theo quote from the Cosby show!
DWAGS... I'm betting that was supposed to be "Dawgs" as any graduate of the University of Georgia might think.
That demon bunny will haunt my dreams. Beside that baby cake with the boobs... Is that really a sculpted nose syringe thing? How appetizing.
Were the monkey's boobs supposed to be her arms? Because... Fail. I see two boobs and three arms, two of which have leaves on them:) That baby freaks me out. I would like to think it is a Sience Fiction reference that none of us get, rather than something the baker thought looked normal enough to show people.
So, wow. That baby one truly scared me! I cannot fathom how the baker/decorator (and I use the term decorator loosly) could think it looks ok. Actually, I think this about all of the wrecks. And I also winder how they can still be in biz and take payment with a clear conscious. I know everyone thinks tis, but I just had to say it. SMH.
awww...the monkey is cute. It's not boobs people, it's paws holding the branch...not boob like at all to me. That baby on the other hand....hmm...not sure what sort of mutant power it has.
Fingers on boobies and four front-pawed kitties
Bunnies on cocaine and large breasted monkeys
“I’m not in love with you” has a nice ring
These are a few of my least favorite things
Shouting “Go Dwags!”
Baby boob bags
Bieber FTW blog
Whenever I see all my least favorite things
I facepalm and say “Oh Gwad!”
The UGA fan in me wants to cry at the "GO DWAGS!" cake. I know it wasn't done in Georgia, since even my 2 year old can spell DAWGS correctly.
The "kitten" kinda looks like it could be Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon".
OMG. It was funny enough and then you threw in the "J...J...jammin' on the one" and I thought I was going to fall out of my chair laughing. Thank you for helping me take the focus off the images permanently scarring my retina.
Not only are those pitiful hands on the first cake, but those are some equally pitiful boobs!! The monkey is cute, but how many tails does he have?! 'Cause what are those things with the little hearts/arrows on them?! Love, Love, Love all of your posts!
It's like TMZ on cake.
A missing
Soon..
Rachel
What kind of message is that?
Alison, I think it says 'Arriving soon Rachel', but I could be wrong. It's a wreck, after all ^_^
That Justin Bieber cake resembles a Demetri Martin self-portrait, with a little less nose.
My, that rabbit looks surprised!
Meanwhile, as Uga would say, "Go Dwags!"
Oh, the Monty Python rabbit. With a little blood.
WHAT is your favorite color?
Apparently, Kimye's divorce cake is made out of the uranium that Saddam Hussein went to Niger for, or something.
Sandy, your song is now one of MY favorite things! Brilliant!
@Sandy, especially loved your last line.
Hey now, that cat has a name, y'all! Let's show some respect for Fudgey. "FUDGEY THE CAT". It says so right on the package. And he's Kosher so he's got that going for him.
Oy vey on the eck wrey.
What The Frosting???
OK Jen, I didn't mean for you to take my little song yesterday so serious. Like we don't have enough craziness around here?
Psycho Bunny of DOOM!!!!
Popular with birthday parties and bar mitvahs.
Cake ratchetness at its finest! Go Dwags Lmbo!
[me, glancing around] "Where are we going? And why are we in this hand-basket?"
Nice, Maureen!
'Be-boobed monkey' is now my new favorite hip cool phrase to say.
I get it - yellow cake uranium! The stuff Sheldon Cooper wanted to build his death ray as a kid.
Lol!! I had no idea the internet was all about Justin Bieber. Maybe my computer filters him out lol. As for that baby.. I will never unsee the saggy chest..ever.
It's probably sad that I know this.... But.... I really appreciated the Cosby show reference. Baaahahaaa! Made my day. And my 19 yr. olds day. I know. We're a strange, strange family ")
What is this Cosby show reference everyone keeps talking about? Because I did watch that show and I am going nuts trying to find it here.
I think the real "boobs" in this case are the wreckerators.
Janice: There was an episode featuring Stevie Wonder. The Huckstable fam met him and ended up at hus studio. He had a keyboard that recorded sounds, so he let the kids all say something to record and then he turned their recordings into a song. Theo said, "Jammin' on the one," when it was his turn.
J... J... Jamming on the one! LOVE IT!
It's the bunny from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail!