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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Oct082014

This One's for the Girls

(ATTENTION PARENTS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)

Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.

That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.

Ok, let's start the show!

First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...

Oh.

["Urp"ing noise]

 

Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.

Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!

 

Huh.

Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.

 

Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!

Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy. [gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.

By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!

 

Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...

Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.

 

Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.

Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!

What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.

In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:

a) scream b) laugh c) grab a fork or d) all of the above?

[sigh] Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?

 

*****

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Reader Comments (44)

I got to the second one and thought "Those eyes are going to follow me all day"
That is, until I got to the last cake.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Make them stop looking at me. Please?

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Goin' Out of My Head (Because These Are Just So Darn Icky)


Oh I think none of these guys have a head
Yeah, I think not one of them has a head
Sad but true-ue-ue. No limbs too-oo-oo
They’re so unattractive. They need feet so badly
I don’t know how they would wear a shoe

And I think I bought a cake with a head
I got a hairy torso instead
Ewww, ewww, ewww. Ewww, ewww, ewwwww

Perhaps if they’re hairless
They’ll look a bit better
Oh, you wish

All these cakes need a head, oh it’s true
Even with a sickly, pale hue
Every cake needs some feet left and right
And some hands - what a fright

Need a head, am I right
Arms and legs, left and right
Still a horrid sight

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Stick a sparkler in me, I'm done...

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Sung to Venus

Baker, if you will
Please send a cakey guy to give me thrills
Not one with a neck hump and lumpy arms
He's raising some alarms for me.

Baker, I said "fair"
Not pasty white with painted-on pit hair
I'm thinking that the censor bar was wise
Or I'd gouge out my eyes, oh gee.

Baker, these cakes will leave mental scars
Surely the things that I ask
Can't be too hard of a task

Baker, whaddya do?
The men I've seen have nipples -- one and two
And raisin chest hair clumps I can't forgive
They'll haunt me as long as I live.

Venus, Eamon's pelvis is subpar
Surely the things that I ask
Can't be too hard of a task

Baker, are you through?
Can't you see how that thing just stares at you?
It really can not be allowed to live
Someone please hand me a shiv...

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I've been single now for 15 years. This once again clearly demonstrates why. If this is indicative of what's out there for me to choose from, I'm better off in solitude, thankyouverymuch.

Cake no. 4 definitely gives a new meaning to the term "blow job". And "hot pants". And a whole host of other terms, naughty or nice.

On the last cake, I'd definitely run screaming, because I can't tell if the cake is chocolate or not. But that torso ... thing doesn't even tempt me to find out.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Burke & Hare, bakers to the indiscriminate...

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

You know what I've never thought to myself? "Today I want to eat something shaped like underpants, or maybe hair. Hey, how about both?" Urp indeed.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngelaS

While I am feeling highly objectified today, almost to the point of being unable to post, I felt I must point out that the third cake really does not belong here. It is a symbolic cake used by the men’s group, the Organization Looking to Define Forward Aging as a Reaffirming Term (OLDFART). This dedicated group seeks to portray aging as a natural part of the Continuum of Life and to encourage continual activity. The third cake is actually a part of the initiation ceremony into that august group, given to the recipient, usually on his 70th birthday, by fellow members and well-wishes whose names are written on the cake. You will see that only the torso is represented, as the torso contains the heart, often identified as the center of life, both in its physical aspect and in its metaphorical aspect. The expression, “So many men, so little time,” is a clear representation of the natural fate aging brings: so many people to meet and interact with, yet, as age increases, time to do so decreases. It is not a lament but a challenge, a challenge, if you will, to “carpe diem.”

And, yes, those are raisins. They do not, as is suggested, represent hair (that would be both gross and inaccurate) but rather carry a triple meaning. The first is a little play on words, as the cake and ceremony represents one’s “currant” situation, the 70th birthday. Also, as grapes are dried, or aged, they represent the aging process. And finally, their third meaning plays upon a literary reference – no longer do we carry the grapes of wrath, but with age and wisdom, we have changed, turning those grapes into a more healthy and emotionally mature viewpoint, represented by the sweet and nourishing raisins.

As you can see by the picture, the ceremony is held outside. Again, this speaks to the group’s purpose: see aging as a natural part of life and keep active. This is done again with a literary reference. What happens when we stop living an active life? We become like raisins in the sun, and become totally dried up, hardened, our live and its usefulness is gone.

Finally, you may ask, why don’t they use grapes, fruit that can be turned into wine, perhaps a reflection of the good spirits of aging? He answer is simple: like there is no crying in baseball, there is no whining in old age.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Is that first one a cupcake cake?

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjbrecken

What type of party calls for those cakes D:

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

1: "neck hump area"...That's just...I don't ...what POSSIBLE.....You know, I almost believe that I might never find a time or place or reason (especially a reason!) to need that expression. (No, not even at Thanksgiving...but thanks, self, for that image...)
2: It's a "maletorsocopy" (male torso copy), according to the photo credit. Good to know, huh? It almost sounds too dignified for that cake...but, nah.
3: (...reading names to see if anyone I know is on there...) POINT IS: I believe that the partycipants would have more time than that cake thinks. Despite the "cuteness" factor, it looks about as appetizing as a headstone. Which (seeing how nice it looks against the grassy background) it just might be.
4: I am SO thrilled that you didn't call that thing "Mr. HARD-it-through-the-grapevine" because I would have HAD to choke on that.
5: "E.T., GO HOME!" Please!? AND, regarding your hypothetical: I pick e)
I know; there WAS no "e"...but if there WERE, it would have been:
e); Kick that MANstrosity down a long flight of stairs, please (and thank yeeww)!
=^-.-^=

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

So unfair! We need to work together to correct this unequal pastry objectification!
I demand hot (cake) bodies for women!!

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterErica

Am I the only one that read the third cake horizontally the first time? I thought for a minute that it said "So so many little men time", which makes it even funnier. This being Cake Wrecks I wouldn't have been too surprised at such a nonsensical message, and I'm a little disappointed that that's not what it actually says.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCaitlin

mel, I can't hear you unless you take your shirt off.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

Cake #4 sent me screaming from the room! It it were a little pinker I'd think Crang from TNMT

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

I think that the yellow underwear, had a sock in them!

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterOcracoke Dreamer

The second one looks like Matt Smith.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTheCreepyTribble

I was pretty sure the first 'cake' was a pan of buns, each shaped somewhat irregularly. While not the case, buns would at least fit with the theme of objectification. Alas, the 'cake' is not buns, as much as it is not a 'six pack', which is what you'd need to imbibe to stay any longer at that particular party.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternanalettie

"a good package deal". Good thing I've learned not to drink coffee while reading Cake Wrecks or you'd owe me a new keyboard.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

@Mel - are you an English major? cause if I saw this analysis in one of my classes, you'd pass! bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can't stop silently laughing (I don't want my two-year-old daughter to be corrupted yet).

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHAL

Every single one of those rippling-torso-with-nipples cakes looks like an alien just waiting to ... well, do something unspeakable. Every one. It has something to do with both the nipples and the orangeness. But yes, even the pasty white one. And especially the first one.

However, if it were spice or carrot cake, I'd eat some. :-D

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterrolypolyducky

@mel I'll bet you're a hoot to play Balderdash with!

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

Your acupuncture question made my day. I see what you did there! ;)

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPeepBunny

#4 is so scary!

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Wow, even the nipples are lopsided on that last one...

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

Mel, you rock. Please keep posting even if Jen manages to successfully objectify you (which seems unlikely based on the state of these cakes.)

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

@mel-You are the object of our affection and esteem.


And sometimes envy...

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

That last torso stump looks a little like Homer Simpson is trying to escape. The pale one is probably Edward Cullen. *hurk*

@mel ~ If this is what happens when we objectify you, we must do this more often! Nicely done my friend!

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

I'm not yet close to 70, but my teenage son plays crappy music, and far too loud. Does this make me an OLDFART?

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjackwire

Don't tell me, those are supposed to be "beefcakes"?

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLois C-D

*reading cake #3 a-la internet granny style*

so so many little men time???

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteremily

and now Wednesday, hump day, will never be the same.

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterms anthrope

@mel: I want to join the others in objectificationizing -or whatever it is that we're doing! If it means, "YAY, mel!", or "Yay, this here crappy-cake thing...then count me in. Some days are "less great" than others. Laughing and crying are twins, and both hold our hands. Sometimes finding even one real, it-actually-hurts kind of laugh somewhere during the day -if one has to crawl to it on hands and knees -MAKES the day. This "place" -thanks to John, Jen, and Sharyn...along with the dance troupe, the orchestra, confetti, the occasional balloon-drop or dove-release (or sprinkles-releasing doves) is one of those "cure-for-what-ails-ya" type of places. Enough out of me... Bon nuit! =^-.-^=

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@Rachel CrazyMum: hahaha…I took my short off once and it became an historical Kodak moment: when the photo lab developed the picture, Kodak immediately went out of the consumer film business…’nuff said….
@HAL: I’m embarrassed to say that I was, given today’s post’s not one but two glaring typo’s that I failed to detect…. This piece started out this morning as a Mr. Potato, Head Council bit, but it wasn’t working, so I threw out my coffee (Boston Crème Donut flavored – which is not nearly as good as it sounded) and made a cup of Cinnabon Classic Cinnamon Roll (which is wonderful) and reworked it. Even though I read the piece aloud twice, I saw what I wanted to see and they slipped by. But thank you for the compliment…and the passing grade!
@Rebecca: Balderdash (noun)…nickname of the Olympic 100-foot dash; named after Charles Balder, who held the track record the entire six years the event existed before it was replaced with the 100 meter sprint…. Well, when I first played this, it was called “Dictionary,” and was not a formal, or “packaged” game. You just used a dictionary and pencils and note cards, but the essence is the same. I loved it and always made up my own definitions. While I haven’t played it in a while, it remains my favorite game. Thanks for the memory.
@Stephanie: Thank you, and I’ll most likely continue posting – I have way too much fun here to stop…but I do feel slightly soiled….. :-)
@SuBee: well, thank you, I appreciate that, but certainly should not be the object of envy – I just try to be somewhat entertaining and periodically amusing through a variety of eclectic endeavors and an assortment of skewed views…. I continue to learn from and be amazed by you ladies – you, Jen, Sharyn, Haiku Joy, and the host of other commenters who come here to play….
@Jodee: I object to being the object of objectification…it just seems so wrong…like making a cake out of cupcakes and then covering the whole mess with a mess o’ frosting….it may look good on the surface, but beneath that alluring exterior is a…ewwww…I don’t want to even think about it…. (But thank you for the kind conclusion to your comment!)
@jackwire: well…if you have a teen-ager, no matter what your age, your kid automatically thinks you’re an OLDFART…this I know from experience….

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

I've seen that 70-year-old's torso before in the ads for Cengenics:

https://cdn.thinksteroids.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/cenegenics-300x250.gif

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLMR

@sendingtheclowns: while I object to the "objectificationizin" on possibly objectionable grounds, I do not object to your joining in...you may join the orchestra or the singers, but of chorus join in...just be sure you're here for the dove-filled balloon drop...you ain't seen nothin' like it....

October 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

When you said Tom Selleck, were you referring to the picture at the top. If so, that's actually David Hasselhoff.

October 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Jen, Sharyn, John (thoj) and the team: what about having Mel guest narrate? Huh? Huh? Who is with me?

October 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

@Rachel CrazyMum: Well...yesterday was my day to enjoy typos -- I meant SHIRT in the above comment, not short....gotta get more sleep...and new glasses...and.....
@Maureen: that's very kind of you, but I enjoy my place here in the comments section...those folks have some seriously incredible funny talent that never lapses from day to day...I'm more of the "throw a bunch against the wall and hope some of it sticks" kind of a guy...but I appreciate the thought....

October 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Am I the only one who spent more time than I'm proud of trying to figure out the weird, boxy opening in the shorts of the pasty tasty treat? I see now that it was a censoring box, but the cake is so white that the box matches the skin tone. Freaky.

October 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

@TheCreepyTribble, Yes. It does look like him. Maybe the cake was for River Song.

October 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterFluffball

I have a feeling most of these things are for bridal showers lmao. And if so I think the bride probably ran out sobbing in fear of said wedding night. Especially if her grooms chest was staring at her..eeeeek

October 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

Did you really just censor drawn on cake-pubes? I honestly think that's ridiculous.

October 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterboing

http://www4.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Eamon+Sullivan+Celebrates+Birthday+Instore+bA5hDUtXZqFl.jpg

Context for the 4th one. Its for the Australian Olympic swimmer eamon Sullivan who modeled davenport underwear.

October 12, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterheidi

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