Insulting Inscriptions 101
October 1, 2014 Some handy tips when crafting the perfect cake zinger:
1) Don't misspell it.
;)
There's nothing like borrowing song lyrics for a backhanded compliment, but misspell the thing (and omit all the necessary apostrophes) and you come across more crude than clever.
2) Be specific.
Ok, so Charity smells - but what does she smell like? Hmm? Could be roses, or cotton candy. (Mmm, cotton candy...) This is the time to release your inner muse: tell us what putrescent stench Charity is emitting, and really explore your literary space, ok?
3) Keep it simple.
;)
While you're exploring that space, though, don't get so carried away that no one can tell what you're trying to say. Instead of an oddly phrased "Youth Forgot", why not go with something more straightforward? You know, like this:
;)
See, the lack of exclamation marks or capital letters here really brings home juuust the right amount of indifference. Even the off-centered leaning seems to say, "Hey, I got you a cake, alright? Don't go pushing your geezer luck by expecting quality."
And lastly,
4) A little name-calling can go a long way.
;)
Again, creativity is king here. Just watch your penmanship; that "Fink" could almost be mistaken for "Tink".
Thanks to this next one I think I've found my new favorite pet name for John:
;)
Brilliant!
Kathryn R., Laura I., Sonya L., Mercedes R., Beth, & Kelli A., obviously your fathers smelled of elderberries.
*****
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Reader Comments (42)
I believe number 2 is a picture of Ayn Rand's first birthday cake.
You got a cake, 'kay?
That's the smell of charity.
Fink it up, Chucknuts.
I'd like to see a "Your Mother was a Hamster" cake.
Hey, thanks, Jen! I'm going to see just where/ when/and how many times I can manage to insert "pushing your geezer luck" into a normal conversation today! This should be fun....! (I'll update via satellite!) =^~.~^=
I know why Charity smells...she farts in your general direction.
As long as i get a piece I do not care what the cake says :P haiku joy XD
@SuBee: My parents wished me Happy Birthday, but I told them, “To say ‘Happy Birthday’ one must know first how to say the ‘Happy.’” They just shrugged.
Maybe "Fink" is short for Finklestein" or that cake's address to the Company Fink.
When I saw "hey joe . . ." how many of you guys immediately thought "where you going with that gun in your hand" ? Might be an appropriate message, considering.
p.s. I thought it said "Charity Snails" which is kind of sweet but a bit slow to arrive.
@FM: Thanks for the "ear worm"! Now I'm reading the comments to a Jimi Hendrix soundtrack. A nice side-effect is that the wrecks are more palatable with a musical accompaniment. =^-.-^=
An Inquiry Into the Correlation Between Age Celebration and the Extent of Sprinkle Usage, Volume and Distribution (SpUVaD) On Celebratory Cakes During A Typical Lifespan With a Working Hypothesis Suggesting That SpUVaD Declines As Chronological Age Increases, Concurrent with the Development of the SpUVaD Index as a Reliable Reference Scale.
In the first cake, we see relatively few sprinkles. Please note that they are larger than the typical sprinkle, thus indicating perhaps this is the cake of a mature person, one who is an adult or near adulthood [note: see Wilton’s preliminary paper, “Sprinkles: When Size Does Matter: A Contradiction of the Popular Notion ‘It Ain’t the Size that Counts But How You Use ‘Em.” Unpublished]
Our second cake is bereft of sprinkles. It is an anomaly and cannot be used in our study since we already know from @SuBee that it is the cake of the writer/philosopher Ayn Rand, who famously said, “Sprinkles are not for all men, but only for those who seek them.”
The words “Youth Forgot” are unnecessary and redundant on the third cake if our Index is valid. Two aspects of this cake scream adulthood: the comparatively small amount of sprinkles vis-à-vis cake five, which we will examine later, and the careful placement of the sprinkles on the edges of the cake, as if they were moving away from, or off of the cake; that is, declining in number as the recipient ages.
Cake four, also includes a verbal representation of the symbolic nature of its sprinkles. One hardly needs the clue “…you’re old” given the paucity of sprinkles in the center of the cake (see sprinkle location discussion above) and their size. Again, here the large sized decorations indicate a full, almost complete life.
Cake 5, loaded with sprinkles, is obviously the cake of a child. This is also denoted by the smaller size of the sprinkles, and reinforced by the use of the child’s nickname on the cake, “Fink.” It is clear that there is an older child in this home who has misunderstood, or cannot verbalize his parents’ pet name for the cake recipient. We do not have to do much research to understand that the parents call this new bundle of fun a “little stinker,” a not uncommon sobriquet for frequent diaper soilers. The slightly older child verbalizes this as “Finker,” and the parents have chosen the diminutive of this, “Fink,” for the cake.
The pièce de résistance for our research is the last cake, which pictorially presents an elder gentleman, one Charles Nuts. One does not have to look too hard to see there are no sprinkles on this cake at all. ‘Nuff said.
In conclusion, while this is a preliminary study, I feel that the premise is sound and will be borne out by future research.
Was #2 really supposed to say "Charity smells"? I'm trying unsuccessfully to interpret in any other way.
I decided to write a limerick about these cakes. I got as far as "There once was a man called Chucknuts..." and I totally lost my ability to words any more.
I love when Jen throws out a challenge and @mel totally runs with it! (Put down those scissors, somebody is going to lose an eye!)
My brother's name is Chuck. My youngest gave him the nickname of Uncle Duck when she started talking. I'm totally going to call him Chucknuts. I'm the baby, he can't hurt me...much.
Maybe Fink is the last name...
I just had a horrible thought: what if the recipient of the second cake really is named Charity Smells?
That last cake makes me want to run into my ex-husband, just so I can call him "Chucknuts" and see the expression on his face. I laughed out loud just thinking about it. Thanks for the giggle.
Was #3 supposed to have been "Youth for God"? Besides that, I got nuthin'.
I coulda sworn it said, "Cavity Smells"!
re: Cake number one...
Not to be the grammar police but...
YOU'RE
YOU'RE
YOU'RE
According to Death Cab, charity smells like cheap wine and pity.
And I thought it said "charity smalls" and it was a commentary about stinginess.
I personally love the mean cakes, it's a nice balance of love languages :)
elm: Wilton?? Once again your brilliance amazes. I love you in a totally and appropriately distant, non-creepy, not a stalker way.
Possibly someone was so excited to have learned about intransitive verbs, they decided to make a cake to celebrate Charity's recovery from seasonal allergies and show off their new grammar skills in the process. Too bad they forgot the end mark to make it a complete sentence.
Where else can I get references to Ayn Rand, Monty Python, and Jimi in one fell swoop? Bless you.
I think it's just poor penmanship and it really does say "Tink". I do believe this was my sisters birthday cake, her name is Tink. Our grandfather nicknamed her that as a baby instead of calling her "Theressa". I have no idea why he did this and can't ask, he passed away in the early 60's.
OMG! X-D SuBee, your comment has me in tears!! I can't stop laughing!!
@Jodee: :-)
I'm pretty sure Charity smells like musty clothes, with overtones of mothballs.
I had to Google "Chucknuts" and found it in the Urban Dictionary. It wasn't pretty. LOL
Everyone acts like they aren't familiar with Charity Smells! It's the new big next thing in philanthropic fundraising, bigger even than the Ice Bucket Challenge! I hereby challenge Jen and John to smell that trash bag in the corner of my garage that we forgot about all summer--the one with the cat litter scoopings. If you don't, you have to donate some money to the charity of your choice. Or some time. Or just do something nice for someone. Whatevs.
Happy birthday, Chucknuts! Hope your birthday was as awesome as your cake!
It was the horror from beyond the 30th century! It was the rotting excrescence that could not be denied! It was here… in YOUR bakery! It was… "The CAKE YOUTH FORGOT!"
@Elm - I think I love you! I will never look at sprinkles as little bits of sunshine and happiness ever again. They have become little harbingers of death.
@Jodee, I can't wait till your youngest hears you call your brother Chucknuts and then happily converts their own greeting to Uncle Ducknuts. LOL
Charity smells because it's summer (here, anyway) and rapidly getting too hot for door-knocking and collecting donations, plus, well, people keep money in their pocket, you know what I'm saying?
If governments funded health research and social programs adequately, there would be no need for charities to collect anything, so it wouldn't smell. Personally, I'd gladly pay a little more tax to never have to answer the door to pushy charity collectors again. (Or redirect the portion of my taxes currently being wasted on stuff I can't abide, eh?) </end rant>
Nice icing drawing on the last one.
I actually read the "Fink" cake as "Tink" because, get this, my dad has a cousin who everybody calls "Tink". I've never actually heard him called by his real name.
@nanalettie: thank you; I do have fun here…and thank you for the CW <3, which you have so clearly delineated… :-)
@Tiffany: I’m sorry I burst your sprinkle bubble…who knew what nefarious little things they really were? Underneath that sweetness lingers the acrid aroma of old age...and beyond….oh, wait…I’m getting carried away….sorry….and thanks for the CW <3
I am wondering if Fink is supposed to be Tina lol. It could be. Then again with that writing who the heck knows for sure? I do like that last one. At least you can read it without squinting lol.
That last one belongs on Sunday Sweets. It is legitimately awesome in every way.
SuBee Ayn Rand comment made me clap my hand over my mouth so my roaring laugh wouldn't wake my mom up.
Also: CHUCKNUTS. That is all.
I think ole Chucknuts also has his medical marijuana card. What is that in his other hand???
I also love how my computer underlined Chucknuts in red as if I am simply misspelling it. HA
Charity=love
Smell=stinks
Hence "love stinks"!