Jen Tells An Easter Story
March 20, 2013 Gather round, little Easter cakes, and I'll tell you a story.
;)
"Is it a scary story?"
Yes.
;)
"But I don't LIKE scawwy stowies."
TOUGH.
;)
Oh, ok, ok. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Hey, you know what? It actually ISN'T a scary story, it's a happy, funny story.
So Wilhelm, you can stop holding your breath now:
;)
[PHEEEW!]
Ok, here we go.
Once upon a time - a really FUNNY, HAPPY time - a group of bunny rabbits found a field filled with the most enormous carrots.
;)
"Did one of the rabbits have all his legs sprouting from his chest upside down and backwards, too?
Yeah, sure.
;)
"Yay! Harold's in the story!"
Yes, yes, it's wonderful.
Shaddup.
Ok. So. Suddenly, the giant carrots in the field rose up and ATE ALL THE BUNNIES.
;)
And the bunnies were all, "AAA! We're being eaten by giant carrots!"
;)
[pause]
"Uh, that doesn't seem very happy OR funny...."
Well, the rabbits thought it was very funny to be eaten.
;)
***
Now why are YOU guys crying?
;)
[sniffling] "You said this was a GOOD story."
It is! I just haven't gotten to the best part yet! See, next a bunch of little chickens came along and found these ENORMOUS chocolate chip cookies lying around. And then the FUNNIEST thing ever happened. Haha! Can you guess? Well, can you?
;)
You know what, never mind. It's nap time. THE END.
;)
Thanks to Caroline V., Allison N., Rachael J., Adash, Brian & Courtney, KJ, Robin G., Carrie M., Anne B., Su M., Twist, & Larissa B. for helping show why I'm such a terrible babysitter.
Reader Comments (71)
"We've traced the cake. The cake is coming from INSIDE the house. GET OUT NOW!!!"
Chestlegs. :|
bahaha! As usual, the commentary just takes today's post to the next level!
Also, cake (cupcake? pile of frosting?) #1 looks more like a bushbaby/galago than a rabbit. Albeit a terrifying bushbaby/galago.
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! That was wonderful! Can we hear another story, Auntie Jen? *Bambi eyes*
that made my day, as usual!
Now reread this whole thing in SpongeBob character voices...Mr Krabs is the story teller. Go.
Mmmmmm, chickwich...
Upside down chest-legs
And rabbit-eating carrots
Easter's on it's way
Is it wrong that I want one of those chicken sandwiches?
When chicks and bunnies
Are treated in this fashion
No Happy Easter
second cake is making a perfect Dr. Tran face.
Buwahahahahahaha!!!! Excellent, Jen! Can we have another story? Pweeeaaasssseeeeee???
The random ghost faces sprouting out of the head of the "upside down and backwards-limb bunny" give the whole thing a very "Ringu" vibe...
And what, exactly, IS that thing on its upper torso, just below the ghost faces, and just above its misshapen limbs?
Can I call "Humperdink" on this one?
I love your narrative style! Remember when you first started, Jen, and you just posted one cake per day? [tearing up] "This blog has just grown up so fast." [sniffle]
Looking forward to tomorrow's hilarity!
BTW, I loved "Jack and the Spleenstalk." That was awesome.
I knew there was something evil about a veggie that spends most of its time underground.
Also, if cookies are trying to eat our chicks, is nothing safe?!
The expressions on these were the best! You did a great job and made me laugh so hard! :)
This. Was. HILARIOUS. Bad babysitter? Are you kidding me? I'd totes hire you for my kids...lol...creativity beyond belief!
Do you all remember that Island of Misfit toys from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reider stop motion movie? I think we need one of those islands, but for cakes. Like could you picture Rudolph and his pals landing on the island and being greeted by Steff the giant headed rabbit? Or by Wilhelm the bloated peep. That would have been like, the greatest movie ever.
Although I kinda picture the rabbit with his legs on backwards would kinda turn the tide from 'happy romp for kids' into 'Aliens 3 but for children.'
Peep pod-people or cthulhu carrots?
Those bunnies being swallowed by carrots are a new classic in my book. The genius of it!
Mmmmmm, chocolate-chick cookies. Yum
Please tell me they marketed those last ones as "Chickwiches."
I totally thought that bunny with the upside down legs was just giving two thumbs up. He just trying to be the fonz!
That's hysterical! I've always been a sucker for macabre bedtime stories, and have been known to terrorize my own children with them. Of course now they're a suspicious and cynical 8 and 9 years old and they'll look at me sideways and say, "Is that REALLY true?...."
Keep up the good work!
Yay I love stories :D
ROTFL!!! If you like that, you gotta check out a story called "Auntie Eslpeth's Halloween Story" by Esther M. Friesner...it's just up our twisted little alleys!
That was a lovely story, Jen, but why does harold have a tail where his teeth should be?
I laughed...I cried...I ate Peeps..... Please...there has to be another book....!
And thank you for answering that age-old question: where do bunnies come from: carrots!
@Sharyn: lol...classic line from a classic movie!! Maybe they could re-do it as a bunny-slasher flick with a marshmellow chick.....
To paraphrase Firefly, these cakes look like they were made with, y'know...longing. Like the bakers really longed to see a bunny or a chick.
Perhaps because they've only heard of them by rough description.
In stores throughout the land, in a time that employees are desperate to forget (three hours before opening), a mandatory meeting is called...
Voice From Above: (barely audible) "Good morning, everyone, I would like to..."
[Sound of P.A. being turned up to "Tactical Level"]
"BWEEEEEEEEEP" (Off mic, but still audible in the nearly empty parking lot) "Crud! I still can't figure this thing out!" (Another voice) "Turn that knob down. No, down. That's it."
[Somewhat closer to normal volume level]
"Heh, heh. Bet you're all awake, now, eh? Hee hee. As I was saying, I would like to thank you all for attending this mandatory meeting, which you'd be fired if you didn't attend."
Anonymous employee: "It."
VFA: "Yes, it's that time, again. Time to get out the deco packs we all love, and put our Imagination Hats on!"
Anonymous employee II: (quietly) "I'm imagining what he'd look like, wearing a deco pack and stuffed into the display case."
VFA: "So let's...Make...Some...Cakes!"
Employees: [sound of finger claps]
Anonymous employee III: (to group) "I just looked in the office -- he's not even in there! That mean's he's doing this from home again!"
Group: "#^&##&**@!!!" Various: "Well, let's do this." "Where do these go?" "I dunno. Just put on your Imagination Hat!" "You're going to be wearing this cake as a hat in another second." "I need coffee! Anyone have change for a ten?" "What's a 'ten'?"
It is not wrong to want one of the chickwhiches / chocolate-chick cookies, because that is the same thing I thought! And Amanda, I have found myself using that exact same Firefly quote on this page before :)
Tell me you have a publisher for this story.
Awesome, hilarious post! The cakes illustrate the story so well. The funniest thing, to me, though, is that I had just gotten the page loaded on my computer at work when a coworker walks by behind me and comments "Oh, that's cute!", in regards to the very first "bunny" at the top. Wow. Guess that explains why some wreckerators thinks their cakes are ok!
Jen, you are genius! GENIUS, I say!
And I would totally go for a chickwhich or Peep-eating carrot cupcake right now. Stupid diet.
OMG Jen's storytelling plus AMAZING commentary from all = NIRVANA.
Yep, time to shut down the internet & go home cuz it aint ever gonna get better than this.
[Just kidding, Jen, Puleez don't stop doing Cake Wrecks!!!]
PS @ Craig - SNORT...BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Thank you for yet another incredible post!!!
But Jen, Jen, oh Defender-of-the-Oxford-Comma: chickens lay eggs, ENORMOUS chocolate chip cookies can only lie around. I count on a fellow member of the grammar police... I know the spell checker must have done it! http://web.ku.edu/~edit/lie.html
[Editor's note- Good call, duck! I totally missed that last night. -john]
Nest on Jen's list of things to do:
Write a children's book!
I would so buy it!
Is it wrong of me to want to recreate cupcakes with carrots eating peep bunnies? I'm not sure those are really wrecks... they are just purposely twisted. :D
"... and I want the cupcakes to have rabbits eating carrots"
"got it, rabbit-eating carrots."
"... and what do you think, cream filling? raspberry filling?"
"I feel like you can't go wrong either way"
This was WONDERFUL!! Harold was my favorite.
best...story...EVER!!
Tentacled carrots
Do no harm to baby chicks
They want the bunnies
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry...
You had me at "Wilhelm".
After all those millenia of being eaten by rabbits, the carrots just wanted a little payback. Perfectly reasonable ...
And here my first thought for #5 was, "Do you even lift, bro?"
Those Chocolate-Chick cookies remind me of Tom and Jerry. Anyone remember the episode with the suicidal duckling that kept trying to get Tom to eat him? Ah, the carefree, uplifting cartoons of days gone by...
I, too, sort of like those peep-eating carrots. Perhaps they were purchased from Seymour at Mr. Mushnik's flower shop?
"I'm a little upset now. All those chicks and bunnies look really scared Jen. How could you do that to such sweet, innocent, malformed icons of the Holy Easter holiday and spring?", said the wreckarator as she bit the head off a peep and stuffed him back in the plastic wrap. "I mean just look at their sad scared little eyes and faces contorted with horror! Are you proud of yourself Jen? Well? Are you?"
I just laughed until I cried. And I don't laugh on most days. Funny with a great big capital F. My 16 year old son just came in here to see what the heck I was laughing at. Thanks for the smile.
Jen: Whenever I am having an awful day, I come on this site. Always makes me laugh so hard. I share it with a fellow suffering coworker. Its our secret pleasure in the office.