Drunken Debakery
October 4, 2013 October is Positive Attitude Month!
And today is Vodka Day!!
So let's do a little experiment: let's see if vodka makes you more positive about bad cakes.
(Because SCIENCE!)
Fortunately Jen, who has a tolerance only slightly lower than your average Mennonite squirrel, has agreed to be our test subject.
Let's begin.
Test Subject response after 2 sips of vodka:
;)
"Ug. It's so... spurty. With the spurty bits on the sides. Spurty. Spuuurty. Spurty's a funny word, don't you think?" [peering into glass] "Can I have more of that raspberry stuff in this?"
Test Subject response after half a shot:
;)
"Looks like a moldy glass of Guiness. GUINNESS GRACIOUS!! Ha! Ha! Ok." [staggering upright]
"Time to dance."
Test Subject after one full shot:
;)
"YOU HAVE ANGERED THE TIKI GODS. Now we must sing.
[singing] "Said you like piña coloNICS!! Fungus cakes in the rain! If you're not into yoGURT!" [crawling towards living room] "I'mma... I'mma go pet the cats."
Test Subject response after 2 shots:
;)
[flat on back, eyes closed] "... so I says to the guy, I says, "I know floral foam when I see it, man! I wrote a friggin' book!"
Test Subject response after 2 shots and five minutes:
;)
o_O
[sound of running feet]
[bathroom door slamming]
Conclusion: While we need more data to determine the effect of vodka on positive attitudes, we can definitively conclude that Jen's attitude toward vodka has become slightly more negative. And also that we should probably bring her a moist towelette.
Thanks to Sarah L., Alison D., Rebecca B., Stephanie, and Wesa A. for the unwelcome knowledge that placenta cakes are a thing. URP.
Reader Comments (79)
Who could have guessed that the Next Big Thing is fondant made to look like hand-tooled leather (always tasty), or cakes that appear to be blasting off on flying saucers. And to think Jen missed this. Good job, team!! You guys are keepers!
@Nagzilla: you read my mind about the cake vodka! And Jen would not have ended up in the bathroom, either.
YOU HAVE ANGERED THE TIKI GODS!!!! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG, what a wonderful thing to bellow after a few drinks!
As horrifying as the last cake is, it's that first one that utterly bewilders me. Color? Swirls? Wh... H..? All I can do is stutter consonants.
Is the second cake supposed to be a mint julep for the Kentucky derby? I posted the picture of the placenta cake on a pregnancy board I'm a member of today. I don't think it was well received... ;)
Now I just want to go watch a few episodes of "My Drunk Kitchen"!
Funny Post. Not sure what the red one was supposed to be. Looked kind of like a magott.
After having a horrible day at work, then a taco salad for dinner, I sat down with my vodka and juice (a rare indulgence) to veg out with Facebook. Saw what I thought was a heart cake, then nearly vomited when I read it was a placenta cake. Clicking through to the site, I discovered that it is National Vodka day (cheers!) and National Taco Day! Wow. Was it have a crappy day at work day, too?
Oh gross. That last one looks like raw meat with worms.
Most of those cakes look like Tom (from Eddsworld) did drunk science... O.o
#2 is a mint julep. Almost as appetizing as the real thing (which has hardly any sugar in it, BTW -- nothing like garden-garnished bourbon on the rocks).
MmmmMmmm... floral foam with cheez whiz border. Almost as delicious as the placenta twizzler.
Is it sad that I knew immediately that #2 is a Kentucky Derby cake and that it's meant to be a mint julep? I guess Kentucky gals always know what the first Saturday in May means!
Hmmm....quietly plotting to bring some of my pomegranate moonshine to the next Cake Wrecks book signing...
Luckily all I had before I read this post was some water lol. But looking at that last cake has made me gag and I can swear that looks like a pasta noodle not licorice but what do I know? Wreckerators use just about anything these days to make perfectly innocent cakes look unedible lol.
The second one is a mint julep?
Huh.
(squinting) Okay. I can almost see that. Sorta.
Idk...it still *mostly* looks like a large rock that's been left out in the sun too long and has started to wilt.
Haven't laughed this loud in ages! Brilliant writing!!!
@PsychoCat the combination of your user name and last comment makes me a bit afraid.
I never saw a placenta cake
I never hope to see one
But from the crime we're seeing here
...um...um...(struggling)...I really hope Jen will warn us before she ever
posts another one front or rear!
(With apologies to Burgess Meredith)
i think the people who made those cakes were the ones drinking vodka.
OMFG! Someone needs to send that placenta cake into Stfu Parents. She just did a post about placenta prints. (Don't ask.)
@ Teal - you warned us...and I looked anyway...OH!!! THE HORROR!!!! AAAIIIGGHGHHHH!!!!!!!
SEND ME THE UNSEE MACHINE - STAT!!! CRAIG....uh,...
[Theardare scurries up & meows in KarateLady's ear]
"Oh, *yes*, Theardare, I think they would make *excellent* visual accompaniments for the music of Room 101..." says KarateLady eagerly, not wanting to disagree with her former captor/tormentor.
[Theardare meows again.] "Uh...I'd really rather *not* retrieve those images...couldn't you do that yourself, Thear- "
[Theardare begins to crank up the Room 101 music through the Bunker's speakers...]
"All right, all right, I'LL DO IT!!! JUST SHUT IT OFF!!! "
[KarateLady zips through cyberspace...and quickly returns with the bounty. ]
(Hey, she IS a ninja...)
"Here, Theardare." says KarateLady, handing over the cyberprints as she closes her eyes, refusing to take any chance that she might catch even a brief glance of them by accident...
"Here are those God-awful placenta prints you requested, in eye-popping, jaw-dropping, larger-than-life, size. Now, may I *please* return to making my Cake Wrecks comment?" pleads KarateLady, head slightly bowed, making respectful and totally non-defiant eye contact with Theardare...
[Theardare meows his permission and heads off to Room 101 to install his new life-like placenta print posters.]
As I was saying...Definitely a THOUSAND times worse than the placenta cake above. On the other hand, I can now verify that the above placenta cake is *terrifyingly* accurate. (Well, maybe not quite that accurate...but definitely, goringly, simliar...
Hmm - after much pondering and trying to figure out WTF, I think the first cakes are for Mardi Gras and the badminton thing is a crown - but what about the painter's drop cloths coming out of the bottoms of the cake stands? Frankly, I find that to be a little more bizarre than the cakes - or maybe not. Ok, I take that back. The cakes are very odd and the presentation complements them.
Cake number two cannot possibly be a mint julep. It's got to be an urn - or maybe a comment on how well the horse ran. 5-1-04 is the derby date.
Don't make that last one angry.
Just back away slowly, with no big hand gestures...
***snerkle*** "Mennonite squirrel" ***snortle***
you know you've been on this site too long when the placenta cake doesn't even rate an "eyewwwww."
my burning question- did anyone else notice the bug zapper on the wall behind the first cake?? seriously??
LMAO, that's supposed to be a placenta? I totally thought it was the string side of a used tampon. How awesomely evil would that be though? "Congratulations, sweetie! You're a woman now!"
That gray thing with the traveling fern looks like really bad stitching up in a third world ER. What IS that thing anyway???
I was rather hoping that last one was a meatbomb.
P.S. I find it disturbing that my spellcheck thinks 'meatbomb' is a perfectly ok word.
I'm a Mennonite squirrel and I truly have no alcohol tolerance. I got tipsy the day we had the vanilla taste testing.
that last one is supposed to be a placenta
OW. OW. I think I hurt something, I laughed so hard.