Am I Ready For Some What Now?
January 14, 2013 As a prefessional blogger/author with a penchant for working odd hours and quoting Ghostbusters at inappropriate moments - ("Ugly little spud, isn't he?" "THAT'S MY NEPHEW.") - I think it's pretty obvious I don't get out much.
That's ok, though, because I have all of your submissions to keep me up to date on current events! In fact, you'd be amazed how much you can learn about the world through cake.
For instance, I can now confidently predict that the world will end...
...last month.
Ok, so maybe I'm a little behind on submissions. Whatever. It's not like it's the end of the world! Haha! ZING!
Also thanks to your submissions, I happen to know that it's currently football season. That, or there's another Saw sequel in theaters:
;)
Ick.
Well, for our breakfast's sake, let's assume it's football season. And as is our tradition here at CW, I will now give you a quick gameplay overview, so that you, too, can be stared at and admired by your friends and family and that guy at the coffee shop who clearly finds your keen grasp on the inner workings of professional gameplay delightful, and that's why he keeps snickering.
Ok, so. Football. First of all, it's NOT soccer.
;)
However, this IS what happens when you get a football and a soccerball drunk.
Football is played on a field of green, which is not to be confused with a field of dreams unless Kevin Costner is on it. Shirtless. (Bow chicka WOW WOW.)
Ahem.
The field is divided into forty yard lines on one side and fifty yard lines on the other. Whichever team won last gets to start on the fifty side.
;)
Sometimes the field is sectioned off into a grid so the crowd can play a giant game of lawn checkers during halftime:
Other times the field is ditched all together in favor of a handy cow pasture:
[insert "tight end pass" joke here]
The football itself is sometimes referred to as the ol' "pigskin," but this is a misnomer, since the ball is actually made from leftover Thanksgiving turkeys:
;)
The players, or "idiots" as hardcore fans know them, wear the skulls of candy canes in place of helmets:
;)
This makes it easier for the players to hear all the fans calling them idiots.
It's the players' job to kick the ball as high as humanly possible, so that it can climb Jacob's Ladder and land in God's lap:
;)
Since God likes basketball better, though, sometimes they paint a basketball brown to try and trick St. Peter into catching it:
This is known as a "Hail Mary."
If you start to find the rules of football confusing, then just study this clearly marked strategy guide until you realize you don't care anymore and just want some more nine-layer-dip and Cheetos, please:
;)
In the end, I'm sure you'll find more cow poop - but you'll probably ALSO agree with me and this baker when we say that Football is Fabulous!
Go Red Sox!
Thanks to Michelle C., Jefferson L., Sarah F., Liz B., Sara S., Donna, Chris B., Anna B., Boni M., Abigail C., Diane B., &Heather D. for being such great team players.
Reader Comments (55)
That first one was actually pretty funny, though I'd have added a mix of grey, white, and black frosting to the Saturday forecast to make it look like ashes.
So, 1- I am tired enough to believe every line of this. And...
2- Since I pretty much hate all the teams left in the playoffs, I want that last cake for the "Big Game".
bahahahaha!! This post perfectly illustrates my own extensive knowledge of football, commonly known in my family as "the time Amanda sneaks off to a different room."
Why does cake #6 have big green eyes? Are those eyes? It's staring at me - they must be eyes.
Sung to The Name of the Game” by ABBA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ90ZqH0PWI
(play the song in the background for full effect)
Mayan advice, wasn’t half-right
It’s time to get your skin parted
It seems to me, from its design
That soccer ball is a hybrid
That is an impossible game
Chances are 40/50
But if you think lawn checkers is fun
Well, the next cake is nifty
Now, I wanna know
WHAT’S THE GAME ON THE CAKE???!!!!???
Do they play it in fields of poo?
Was that turkey twice-baked?
Skulls of candy canes edged in blue
Tell me please, ‘cause I have to know
If the kick is good, off to heaven it goes?
Did he make the score?
On the Hail Mary?
Do the cow pies help?
When you’re planning strategy?
If I trust in you, will you get first downs?
Will you laugh at me, if I make pink cake for you?
Will the Red Sox win by 2?
I wanna know
THE GAME ON THE CAKE!!!
I love the last one SOOO much. The baseball plastic pieces just push it over the top.
I'm not a fan of any sport, but I do find it fascinating that the 5th cake's grid lines don't match up from one side to the other. "They're on the 50! No, wait, they're on the....10! That's it, the 10!" Must make it really hard for the announcer and score keeper of that game. The next cake down is just as bad with the 20 yard line next to the 50. Not enough real estate to have a complete field built?
Pink and yellow team
is my fabulous favorite,
but should spell socks right.
Cake Wrecks actually is my news source and pop culture reference site. If it's a big enough deal to get mentioned in the post or comments, then I go look it up or ask Mr. Haiku, who knows everything. That's how I learned about Hurricane Sandy, for instance. I didn't know who (celebrity's name here) was until the butt of a Cake Wrecks joke. Now I'm trying to think of an example. Panic Against the Machine? That's a band, right?
You're a Prefessional blogger? Is that like pre-med? LOL.
I just noticed the Sesame Street Grouch green eyes staring over the 50 yard line. Or...Kilroy was here.
Sharyn and Haiku joy lolol. I actually think the first cake is funny, if poorly done :D The rest also display MY extensive knowledge of football O_o
Thanks. I never understood football before.
I don't even like ABBA, but I must, simply must, hear Sharyn's version of The Name of the Game sung aloud. (Somehow, my singing it aloud doesn't cut it.) Is this a special gene, Sharyn, that permits you to come up with song parodies so quickly?
Oh, and at a risk of starting a stampede to the Epcot bunker, football is soccer in most parts of the world. That is, what we call "soccer" in North America is called "football" nearly everywhere else. I'll duck and cover now, even if it's long past December 21st...
Some of these cakes were obviously intended as tributes to the late Andy Griffith.
Did I actually detect a Bones reference? Wow!
And it's nice to know that there are people out there who know as little about football as I do.
hello jen! you may remember me from when i BEGGED for you to sell me one of your carrot jockey necklaces, and you maY remember that i said i was on a quest
well guess WHAT!
I AM NOW THROUGH ALL 800+ PAGES OF YOUR BLOG I STARTED SUNDAY MORNING AND HONESTLY
its the weirdest feeling
i feel so accomplished. i feel as if i can finally die happy. im ready.
hello 4th dimension, i am kiki the shiki. i am ready to come to you now
(god bless you and your blog)
Exactly like pro-med!
Here's the reason why
Okay, I was actually going to "wreckerate" the lyrics, but frankly, in context it's way funnier as-is...
"From A Distance", Bette Middler:
From a distance the world looks blue and green
And the snow capped mountains white
From a distance the ocean meets the stream
And the eagle takes to flight
From a distance, there is harmony
And it echoes through the land
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace
It's the voice of every man
From a distance we all have enough
And no one is in need
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease
No hungry mouths to feed
From a distance we are instruments
Marching in a common band
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace
They're the songs of every man
God is watching us, God is watching us
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
God is watching us from a distance
From a distance you look like my friend
Even though we are at war
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
What all this fighting is for
From a distance there is harmony
And it echoes through the land
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves
It's the heart of every man
(Every man)
It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves
This is the song of every man
And God is watching us, God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching
God is watching us from a distance
Not a word about the giant Oscar the Grouch looming ominously over that cow pasture? I'm shocked!
Too distracted by your Field of Daydreams, eh? ;)
Sorry, missing character in my above post. I even previewed it. (Boo.) Here's why prefessonial makes sense
But where's the REST of the Ben and Jerry's cow??!!
I find this one of the most funnily written CW entries yet. Tho personally, I think the soccer-football hybrid is actually a cookies 'n' creme taco.
The final cake--or is it a cookie cake--is clearly a brave statement about gender expectations and the changing role of masculinity vis-a-vis professional/contact sports. Oooo! Maybe I'll use it as the basis for a PhD thesis, thus delaying for another bunch of years the time when I have to get an actual job. Well played, CW, well played.
Elisabeth L.
What the TURDUCKEN is going on with that turkey/football cake? It's a Thanksgiving wreck (turkey)! It's a Christmas wreck (Christmas chocolate kisses)! It's a New Year's Wreck (football)! What have they got to lose!? :D hahaha
I'm certain that this is the second instance of the 'buck-toothed yoga snake (arch your back and relaaax!) pretending to be a football helmet' I've seen on this blog. And I'm like 75% sure this is a different cake, too. Since no sentient being would actually think this design was good enough to make twice, I am forced to conclude that this is actually a long-repressed genetic memory of some terrifying prehistoric predator, which only resurfaces when a Wreckerator has made one too many football-helmet CCCs while heavily drunk.
Unfortunately, as its viewers are inevitably heavily-inebriated and the only available medium to record their horror is cupcakes, we can only speculate on the finer details of the mythical Buck-Toothed Yoga Snake of Doom's anatomy.
Thanks so much Jen for the tutorial! Now it all makes sense... Except the Gored Skins. That's just disturbing o.O
@Sharyn wins again! :)
I totally want the Football is Fabulous cake! But can I get the Minnesota Twins instead of the Red Sox? That's kind of a deal breaker.
My internet sevice has been off and on today and I can't see most of the pictures. But I am a lemonade out of lemons kind of gal, so I just read the very informative post and imagined the cakes. Unfortunately I have seen enough wrecks that I was able to imagine some pretty frightening stuff!
Daggumit, now I want Cheetos!
Yay, I knew this was a Jen post right away! The other writers are fine (especially John can be pretty funny), but YOUR writing style and witty commentary about these ridiculous cakes is why I've been reading the blog for years. Thanks for all the years of laughs!
Weepoodle (aka ElizabethL.), I find your thesis fascinating. Make sure to take another few years to explore the meaning of the plastic baseball flotsam, thus the subtle subversion of the entire "cake" as a commentary on the interchangeability of traditional masculine sports in their relation to both gender and homosexuality.
I'll come to one of your lectures.
Maybe the first cake was made for the FLDS folks who believed Warren Jeffs when he said the world would end on Dec. 23. I wonder if they got another cake when the world didn't end, and he changed it to Dec. 31.
http://www.inznews.com/2012/12/flds-prepare-for-end-of-world-tonight.html
@Stoich91: One of the greatest moments of Monday Night Football involved John Madden and a turducken. I saw this game and demo, and fell off the couch laughing. I don't think Al Michaels ever recovered. Too bad no one has the video!
http://theballclub.blogspot.com/2008/11/john-madden-special.html
The fact that most of these disasters are CCC just makes them a 2-point conversion. The final cake, however, is a masterpiece of failure.
Thank you, Bob, for posting that. My daddy told me a long time ago about that story, and I've always wanted to hear it.
The last cake must have been done at the end of the day, when they ran out of plastic footballs.
"Oh, just stick something sports-related on it and go home!"
And looking at the cake above it, I'm now dying for some chocolate-covered Oreos.
@Sharyn - We *LOVE* ABBA here! Love your parody!
@Stoich91 - love your Turducken! (Is stoich short for stoichiometry?)
@Kiki the Shiki - Hon, that "weirdest" feeling is what you get after taking stims & staying up all night reading CakeWrecks. Now, calmly back away from the coffee/Jolt cola/stimulant of choice and go lay down...thaaat's a goood Wrekkie...
@Jen - KIki sounds a little *too* enthusiastic about Cake Wrecks, if you ask me...I volunteer to be your bodyguard...WAIT! - John(thoj) does that already, doesn't he?! OK, I'll be back-up - you know how to reach me...just scream like a banshee! (Or like a bride who's just seen her Wrecked Wedding Cake. :-)
<slips stealthily back into the shadows... >
Oops! I hit that Enter button a little too soon...
@Haiku Joy - like the Olive Cakes in honor of Kristin' Chenoweth's character 'Olive' on Pushing Daisies, as featured in the Cake Wreck post "Celebrity Wrecks"? (08/19/08) :-) PS - How's the daily battle over grammar goin'? And the fight against plagarism?! Remember, never give up! NEVER!! ;-)
#2 Combining football and bullfighting might become a 'thing'.
"We're down 10 points and there's only an hour left on the clock!"
"We'll fix 'em -- release the bull. Heh heh heh."
#3 I would buy a cookies 'n' creme taco (hold the lettuce), but where's the shell?
#4 "He's at the 40, he's at the 56, he's at the...wait a minute -- mint iced brownies? Time out!"
#5 Football analysts talk about a 'gridiron' a lot, so it must be played on a grid, right? The numbering scheme might need some work, though.
#6 The numbers match, but I'm afraid the logarithmic scale field isn't going to catch on, even if the grass is replaced with...something else.
#8 This new helmet design offers great peripheral vision and includes a handy built-in visor.
#9 You can't fool me -- someone piped football-related stuff on a king cake. A whole lot of highly vocal people aren't going to like that...
#10 Great use of perspective. The football was kicked so high that the shape changed in the lower atmospheric pressure...I'm giving the wreckerator way too much credit, aren't I.
#11 Except for the one with the wiring harness on it, those look like they could be...Ding Dongs. (Bwaaah! Why? WHY?!) Ok, I'm better now.
#12 The wreckerator's real feelings about football are conveyed adequately by the Pepto pink-and-yellow color scheme -- the baseball flotsam is gratuitous.
GOREDSKINS is gonna give me a little shiver down my spine forevermore.
For some reason, I started reading this like I've always imagined Opus would have talked. Then, after Opus raised his hand to ask for more 9 layer dip and Cheetos, I heard Portnoy's "Opus is a yogurt head" at the "football is fabulous" cake. I was so amused with the little scenario playing in my head that I almost missed the baseball flotsam on the cake.
@Mr Frog you, sir, win the day. awesomeness!
I personally haven't watched the NFL since the referees started using instant replays to make rulings (bunch of freakin' sissies whining about if they made first down or not- with what they earn?? UGH). I would, however, become a devoted fan if they did release a bull during boring times (thanks for the idea, Craig) as long as the stoopid commentators had to be the rodeo clowns. heh.
@HaikuJoy sorry it was your turn for link wreckage today.
@Sharyn - loved the ABBA parody! :-)
@Stoich91 & Mr Frog - XD
@Kiki the Shiki - Hon, that "weirdest" feeling is what you get after staying up all night & all day on stimulants. Now, back away from the coffee/Jolt cola/drug of choice and go have a lie down...that's a good Wrekkie...
@Jen - I think maybe Kiki the Shiki might be a little...OCD about Cake Wrecks aaand maybe you too. I'd be your bodyguard, but you have John(thoj) for that! So I'll be backup...just in case. You know how to reach me, right? Just scream like a banshee...or a bride that's just seen her wrecked wedding cake...
<slips stealthily back into the shadows like a good ninja should....OUCH!!! %^&(^)(*^()*& ROCK!!!>
If I squint my eyes, that last cake says "fabillous." And that's a much more accurate description of how I feel about it. Wreckorators excel at putting the "ill" in "fabillous" cakes, football or otherwise!
I can see the taco for the 3rd wreck but why does it have houses on the side of it???
I wonder if @Craig's football King cake has little plastic helmets baked into it???
Well now I understand football lol. Though I tend to yawn and ignore it if it happens to cross my screen. Ah well at least the wreckerators got the hang of it. If only the game looked like some of these wrecks hehe.
Thanks, Bob, for reviving some memories of listening to that record with my dad when I was a kid.
Kiki the Shiki, you're a braver soul than I. I only read a month of Archives at a time, so I still have a long way to go. However, my eyeballs are still in my head. Have yourself a little rest now.
@Barbara Anne, I like the idea of football commentators having to get in the game. Since they know exactly what ought to have been done in every situation, they should play flawlessly...right?
"Wow, this field is a lot bigger from down here...That guy's the size of a tank, and he's headed right this...<SPLOIT>...artificial turf isn't nearly as soft as real grass. Mommy."
Yes, whoever finds the helmet in the homecoming king cake has to serve as the team mascot next season. Except in places where no one has heard of that particular tradition, so they do something entirely different but still exclusively correct.
Cake #1 looks like it's a takeoff on the Alderaan 5 Day Weather Forecast, which I first saw on a t-shirt site (but check out the link to the original version too) - so kudos to the decorator for running with a good idea.
$23.99 for the GOREDSKINS cake? At least it's not illustrated...
I can soooo hear Andy Griffith narrating this.
The cake that incorporates Oreos - that one's made by my kind of wreckerator. Put an Oreo on anything and it looks like the Mona Lisa to me!
I just cracked up because I looked at the "GOREDSKINS" cake again today and was like, "Duh! 'GO REDSKINS' not 'GORED SKINS'!", which is how my exhausted brain read it last night.
oh Jen (and John, and #1, et al). Thank you. I laughed so hard it hurt.
True story....in regards to the last cake....my mom used to cheer for the Dodgers to win the super bowl each year....it became such a trend that we cheered for them to win any sporting event we were ever unfortunate enough to witness...."Go Dodgers, woot woot woot" (you know the woot woot woot while fist pumping?) I even did it as I walked across stage to accept my diploma.....mom has been gone for 11 years now but the Dodgers still win the super bowl each year in her honor!!