Visual Birth Control
January 11, 2013 I think I finally figured it out, you guys:
BAKERS WANT US TO STOP HAVING BABIES.
How else do you explain the continuing popularity of chopped up baby halves, despite my many and well-reasoned protests?
(This is from a shop display window. Just once I want to see that ridiculous little drapey bit propped up with a spinal cord sticking out. JUST ONCE.)
And why else do bakers insist on making the most nightmarish pregnant torsos imaginable, which they know the laws of polite manners will force us to eat?
;)
"No, no, YOU make the first cut. We'll just be right over here...across the street."
And as if the protruding feet and hands weren't enought, then they go and stick plastic baby dolls inside the limbless torso's cakey love tunnels, because this is EXACTLY the visual you want right before chowing down on tiny sandwiches and fruit punch:
;)
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
Now, who wants to lick the love tunnel frosting off the newborn?
Ah, but you know what? Licking the newborn isn't enough - no sir!
We need to CARVE UP THE NEWBORN and EAT HIM!
;)
"Slice off the head first, would you? I could swear it's looking at me."
Speaking of which, there's a .gif going around this week of one of the more realistic baby cakes I've featured having its head sliced open. It's more than a little disturbing, as anyone who pauses to think past the initial "Oh what a cute idea!" of the baby cake can no doubt imagine.
Still, what if bakers showed that .gif to every customer trying to order a baby cake? Why, I bet the world would be a slightly more wreck-less place!
Or we'd just give those people more ideas.
"Ok, ok, I've got it. What we need are... BITE-SIZED babies!"
;)
Yeah, never mind. We're doomed.
Thanks to Jenny Lee, Mary V., Ann Marie G., Keith & Lorraine C., & Heather G., who all have names that rhyme! Woohoo! (Life's more fun when you're easily amused. Or rockin' a wicked sugar high. Or both!)
Reader Comments (100)
Reminds me of the Troi cake from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Really, I don't understand the baby cakes...but I also don't understand the preggo photos! Why do women -- who are otherwise so insecure about their looks -- now have this strange desire to take photos of their gigantic bellies? And why do they need to involve their husbands in this...along with professional photographers? I really want to have kids, but the cake and the photos are two of my biggest pregnancy fears believe it or not.
Regards,
Concerned Future Father
AAAAAAAAHHHHH! The Horror! Words are not adequate. These are some of the scariest cakes EVER!
I do have one question about that 4th cake. What's with all the buttons? Do you want this kid to choke to death?
Cake number four was used as a part of a public service campaign reminding new parents that:
BUTTONS ARE A CHOKING HAZARD!
Though wildly effective,the campaign was deemed too traumatizing and was retired after only a few months.
OMG, I cant handle this, this post should have come with a warning. I cant figure out whats creepier, the triplet cake or the newborn....Oh my word....
If they'd stuck with the cartoonish feel of the rest of the cake, that last one might have ended up OK.
But that face?
NONONONONONONONO!!! *runs shrieking*
That gif made me laugh so hard and it completely horrified my fiance', who was eating breakfast at the time. lol
Sung to “Space Oddity” by David Bowie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhSYbRiYwTY
(Play the song in the background for full effect...)
Birth control for future moms
Birth control for future moms
Grab a big cleaver and put a smile on…
Birth control for future Moms
Commence with slicing baby bums
Brace yourself, there are at least 2 kids to do
This is birth control for future moms
Doll plastic’s not food grade
And the bakers all want to give you a scare
It’s OK, just slice the head first if you dare
This is future mom to birth control
I’m retching on the floor
And I’m staring in a most bewildered way
And I’ll never eat cupcakes after today –ay –ay –ay
For here am I, barfing in a trashcan
No surprise I hurled
I’ll leave giving birth to you, it’s not something that I’ll do
I think the 4th one was suppose to convey "Cute as a button", but it "sew" missed the mark. I just had an order for the pregnant belly cake yesterday, which I refused to do. I don't do Babies, Bellies, Boobs, or Butts (or male body parts). I was searching for a photo of one cut open to persuade the customer to choose something else, but couldn't find one. A friend of mine posted a picture of the baby butt on Facebook and thought it was cute until I virtually offered her a slice of dirty diaper. Then she changed her mind. Yes, we bakers need some gross pictures to change the customer's order.
Why do people think these cakes are a good idea?!? Why? That gif is just downright disturbing!!
"Cakey love tunnels." Great phrase.
And I *really* wish I hadn't clicked on the link to the cake cutting. Brain bleach, please!
Where is the eye bleach?! OMG, that .gif was horrifying!
:::shudder:::
I guess a cake with a stork or a teddy bear on it is just too much to ask for.
That gif... in the words of George Takei, "OHHHHH MYYYYYYYY!!!"
I have never ever been more disturbed during a cake cutting video. Babies heads should never be on the menu.
I think there was one wreckerator for the main - uh - body of Cake Four, and another for the face, which transforms it from something that's a tad fussy but nonetheless well done into Button Baby of Horrifying Death by Terror.
Put down the glue gun,
or the doll gets it, right in
his frosted buttons.
NNNOOOOOOOO D:
So call me ignorant since I've never actually given birth, but is it common for women to give birth in a bikini? Because based on the number of pregnant torsos in bikinis I've seen in cake form on here, I'm thinking it must be some kind of strange trend. Because why else would anyone EVER make such a strange request for cake!
oh gawd....that .gif........I can't even imagine thinking this is a good idea. Yes, I agree, this .gif should be shown to anyone who really wants to order one of these horrid cakes.
Sharyn & Haiku Joy, XD as always; Ed - Heehee! I'm dating myself, but I *know* which episode of TOS that is! And Sharyn, extra kudos for using Space Oddity!
@ConcernedFutureFather/dub - here's a solution - *don't* let her do a co-ed baby shower/parents shower - just the traditional baby shower. Then at least *you* don't have to be there. Just tell her you have to go gut a dead animal or something... :-) (w/apologies to Elayne Boosler)
On a silver platter, the first has an uncanny resemblance to a turkey about to be carved.
I was disenchanted when I watched an episode of Cake Boss and he made a baby butt cake. I was yelling at the TV "Nooooo not the butt cake!"
Comment the First- the 'baby with buttons' cake resembles a 'reborn' doll perfectly.
Comment the Second- 'We're cutting the cake!Who wants a piece of baby butt??'
Comments Third and Fourth-Yargh. Yikes.
OMG....these are not ok!
#4 looks like someone got some new fondant shaping toys and gave them a GOO-OOD workout. Let's see, what else can I cover with these yarny loops?....I haven't tried the button die in THAT color yet....ohhh, ruffflesss....maybe some lace appliques?? Yes! anything to look at but face of that baby in case it opens..it'ss..eeyeesee aaurgh!
That .gif is quite horrifying. I can't tell if the mini-babies in the last picture are plastic or edible; they're disturbingly realistic, given the size.
Nothing says, "Welcome to the world, little one!" like eating a creepily-accurate molded chocolate baby on a cupcake. Just sayin'.
Cake #4 is cute as a button--BENJAMIN Button, that is. . .Ugh!
The sad part is that the bakers for the newborn and the cupcakes is genuinely talented -- the cake work on both of them is really good. But oh, for the love of Pete.
(and why, WHY did I have to click that GIF? THAT is why you don't do realistic human cakes. It was bad enough to cut the head off the teddy bear at my baby shower)
And what in the world are you thinking -- that you have to pull the offspring out of the mutilated torso? Really?
WOW!!!! I've seen a lot of freaky things on here, but when I scrolled down to the one in red & blue it really made me jump back from the computer screen. That is so distrubing!!!!!
This reminds me of a TV reality show that showed families pre- and post- partum. You saw things like bequeaths to the unborn child - grandpa's war medal, etc. You also saw some *questionable* traditions, like the family that made a cast of each newborn's butt...and then proceeded to have every family member (kids included) *kiss* the cast of said baby butt. Ick.
The gif could have been worse....could have been one of those jello brain molds in the head....
#1: Why is it that I always start hearing 'Low' by Flo Rida when I see Baby Bottom cakes? "Bakers had them Baby Bottom Cakes (cakes), covered in hearts ('vered in hearts), it's li'l butt was lookin' at me!" @Sharyn: have you done a Baby Bottom Cakes wrecky version of that song?
@Heather: I was totally thinking the same thing. It must be a *new* trend, 'cuz that's not how we did it, oh, 15 or so years ago.
Yes, absolutely, the choking danger...but, I can't stop feeling sorry for the kid when he's juuuust a little older and has to be seen in public looking like his mom went crazy with the poor man's bedazzler.
@dub: are you speaking from direct experience or just what happens to be trending now? I suggest talking, carefully (if your wife is currently pregnant), with you wife about these trends and see what she thinks of them. You might be needlessly worried about something she thinks is absolutely ridiculous. OR, you might have to have her peruse CW with you for a while to change her mind, at least about the baby cake...
@Sharyn: Loved it! I played David Bowie in the back round and sang along with your lyrics! Epic.
@Granny k: *snerk*
OMG, I didn't even click on the .gif and I still need Craig's Unsee Machine! Just ewww : (
OMG the gif even had halves of the brain in the skull! Horrifying!
You will never run out of badly-done-baby-cakes! YIKES!!! That one cake looks too real to eat - EWW!
I've been out of the baby business for nearly 25 years, but back in my day, a really cute and innovative cake for a baby shower involved a bassinet-shaped cake, or a baby carriage or crib. Dessert didn't have to be shaped like a human! I dealt with enough morning sickness just from the pregnancy - thank God none of my friends felt the need to make me sick at the shower.
I want to hate the cupcakes...I do. They just look so exactly like my son when he escapes mid-diaper change, with his little tukkus up in the air. It's so adorable...right up to the point where he pees on the carpet.
Huh. Well, my feelings about the cupcakes just clarified themselves. Eat them before they pee on the carpet!
Nope. NopeNopeNopeNopeNope. Nope. Can't handle that GIF. Further reason I will not make human figure cakes, especially babies.
I second the request for brain bleach. However "cakey love tunnels" should be a theme some day ;)
As it was said above, I do not sell babies, pregnant bellies, butts, boobs or male/female reproductive organs, as I do not find them attractive as a treat.
I've heard of these chocolate baby heads that are as creepy as the cakes posted:
http://io9.com/5964818/life+sized-chocolate-baby-heads-are-this-seasons-creepiest-confection
On the gif, I wonder if the baker (or the guests) noticed the unexpected accuracy of the grayish layer cake looking like hemispheres of the brain.
Just me?
Okay. :)
Sharyn - well done. You're right - listening did help w/ the full effect.
Reminded me of Jimmy Fallon and Tim Tebow.
If you haven't seen that version, it's worth a watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09T8AUspQN0
My most popularly appropriate reaction to Cake Wrecks will do nicely for today's lineup: OH THE HUMANITY
the red,white and blue buttons baby also has way too many wool loops on its things...
and you should never put a baby down face first anymore..
and the whole baby, bump and boobs torso etc etc are just disgusting but also disturbing..
pass the brain bleach guys I looked at the ....gif....
a new horror to quote,Jen you spoil us...
"Love tunnel frosting"
For some reason that is cracking me up! Everything else, ewww.
Wait a minute... am iI the only one who noticed the knockers on cake #2?! I'd like to see the "after pregnancy/breastfeeding" version of that perfectly proportioned cake.
My two year old looked at today's wrecks with me (2 year olds love cake, you know). When I asked if he wanted to eat a cupcake with a baby butt on it he said (and I quote): "NO! Ewwwww! Gross. P.U. stinky."
There is so much wrong in this post, I don't know where to begin. No one should have a baby (plastic or otherwise) emerging from a pregnant torso cake - NO ONE! That is disgusting. But I do enjoy the term "Love tunnel frosting" - Jen FTW!
And what is with that creepy-assed Benjamin Button?!!? He has nightmare written all over his face. The only redeeming quality of that cake is that the rag doll is cute - otherwise, no way Jose.
The funniest part of the post: The cupcake babies are mooning us - bwahahaha!
As for the linked .gif - isn't it fabulous that it's on a continuous loop, so we can "enjoy the experience" over, and over, and over....
That red and blue baby just made my head explode. Why is it wearing that bizarre hat? Why is it covered in spaghetti and buttons? Why is it wearing a clown collar? And, dear god, why does its face look like that?
yeah - made the mistake of clicking on the .gif! That is the worst thing I have ever seen. Really, who comes up with these cake ideas and thinks they are actually GOOD ideas!
Sharyn: I sang it in my best David Bowie. Aaaaand now Space Oddity is stuck in my head. (Not a complaint; best song ever.)
}:)