Visual Birth Control
January 11, 2013 I think I finally figured it out, you guys:
BAKERS WANT US TO STOP HAVING BABIES.
How else do you explain the continuing popularity of chopped up baby halves, despite my many and well-reasoned protests?
(This is from a shop display window. Just once I want to see that ridiculous little drapey bit propped up with a spinal cord sticking out. JUST ONCE.)
And why else do bakers insist on making the most nightmarish pregnant torsos imaginable, which they know the laws of polite manners will force us to eat?
;)
"No, no, YOU make the first cut. We'll just be right over here...across the street."
And as if the protruding feet and hands weren't enought, then they go and stick plastic baby dolls inside the limbless torso's cakey love tunnels, because this is EXACTLY the visual you want right before chowing down on tiny sandwiches and fruit punch:
;)
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
Now, who wants to lick the love tunnel frosting off the newborn?
Ah, but you know what? Licking the newborn isn't enough - no sir!
We need to CARVE UP THE NEWBORN and EAT HIM!
;)
"Slice off the head first, would you? I could swear it's looking at me."
Speaking of which, there's a .gif going around this week of one of the more realistic baby cakes I've featured having its head sliced open. It's more than a little disturbing, as anyone who pauses to think past the initial "Oh what a cute idea!" of the baby cake can no doubt imagine.
Still, what if bakers showed that .gif to every customer trying to order a baby cake? Why, I bet the world would be a slightly more wreck-less place!
Or we'd just give those people more ideas.
"Ok, ok, I've got it. What we need are... BITE-SIZED babies!"
;)
Yeah, never mind. We're doomed.
Thanks to Jenny Lee, Mary V., Ann Marie G., Keith & Lorraine C., & Heather G., who all have names that rhyme! Woohoo! (Life's more fun when you're easily amused. Or rockin' a wicked sugar high. Or both!)
Reader Comments (100)
Is it just me, or are those cupcake toppers of the male persuasion? Points for realism though...I guess.
I have watched "Let's Play" walkthroughs of Slender and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Read Lovecraft-inspired graphic novels. Played Eversion to the end. Seen as much Marble Hornets as I can stand in one sitting.
But this post, and ESPECIALLY that GIF....are the most terrifying things I have seen on the Internet.
And when, the next time someone asks me if I want children, I scream "NONONONONO" at her, this post will be the reason.
I've been here long enough to know not to look when Her Royal Snarkiness says not to. Well, sometimes anyway. o.O So wrong on so many levels!
@Haiku Joy ~:-D Awesome!
@Sharyn ~ I just want to sit in a room with you for 5 minutes. Maybe I can get some of your talent by just being close? No?
Well, at least the .gif cake wasn't red velvet.
Because I am an *excellent* mother, I showed this and the gif to my 8 year old.
"Well that was disturbing" she said. Luckily we zoomed over that "love tunnel" part because, well, it's Friday, and I'm really not interested in that talk tonight.
#1 Not the worst I've seen here, by half.
#2 Ok. Thumbs pointed the right way, check. Even number of hands, even number of feet and the numbers match, check. So ends the redeeming qualities. Getting a little crowded in there, is it?
#3 Customer: "The pregnant torso cake was a great idea when it first appeared, but it has really lost some of the shock value. It needs to be more realistic." Wreckerator (whose idea of accurate scale has been influenced by a recently-seen video of newborn marsupials): "Got ya covered. So to speak."
#4 Speaking of covered... I'm not buying that doll's 'innocent' routine for a minute -- the moment I look away, it will move.
#5 Customer: "I want to tell the guests what I really think of them, but in a cute way." Wreckerator: "Sort of a diss / approval, then." Customer: "Exactly." Drum kit in back room: "Ba-DUP!"
Having been duly warned, I gave the gif a pass. But it's now playing in the theater of my imagination, which may or may not be worse: "CPS Productions presents Anthony Hopkins' latest triumph, directed by the late Sam Peckinpah!" I will now attempt to dislodge it by singing the 'Guy on a Buffalo' theme song.
How about a gif of someone cutting into a king cake? At least that wouldn't be as gory.
@Craig -- I watched the gif and my body spontaneously completed menopause. While it's a time-saver, now I have to pay for therapy...
I think the gif is horrible...but I seem to remember one that was actually worse. Anybody remember the cakewreck of the realistic baby made of red velvet cake? The pictures of them cutting up that one actually made me want to throw up. Can't unsee something like that. I will do you the favor of not posting the link
I"m a trauma nurse and I find that gif traumatizing.. It's just so wrong
#4 -- dang, now I have J.Coulton's 'Creepy Doll' as an earworm for the rest of the evening. Must now go watch Blazing Saddles, that usually rousts out the vermin.
@Sharyn - that was truly inspired today!
And I am truly traumatized.
@KarateLady -- it just popped in my head this morning, but it seemed to work -- glad you liked it!
@Andrea -- I don't know that song, but now I'm going to have to go listen to it... You and I seem to be on the same wavelength for a lot of songs.
@Just me and @Spacegeek Nat: I hadn't thought of that song in years. Today, I got to show my son the video, cementing forever his opinion that I'm nuts...
@Jodee in WA -- I'd LOVE to spend some time with you, but you might rethink it -- I'm going through my second wave of plague right now (and have thus been neglecting the comments terribly) and probably ought to be isolated on a remote island until these bugs are done with me. (The fun thing about laryngitis is when the people I'm talking to start whispering back, like I'm doing it on purpose. -- I'm going to dub it "Librarian Syndrome.") BTW: Is the foot completely healed?
Note to everybody: The comments have been particularly brilliant of late...
*crawls into a corner and whimpers*
(I watched the .gif)
in response to a few people who recently said they don't know how to put links in comments- may I suggest you read a quirky little blog called Epbot? I copied and pasted this cheat line onto my desk top quite some time ago. :D
Let's say I want to make the words "my blog" a link to Epbot.
Here's what I have to write:
my blog
So, here's your cheat sheet:
MY TEXT
#1 - Sharyn, you are BRILLIANT!! Perfect song choice!!
#2 - I think I've met that baby before, wasn't it orange in a Chocolate Factory movie???
#3 - I was wondering if the buttons were made of fondant - guess not.
Well if I hadn't already decided not to have kids this would surely cinch it for me lol. I will happily watch others get terrorized by these cakes though heehee. Glad I didn't see the .gif or I would probably run screaming into the snowy streets bare foot.
OH MY GOD cake #4 looks like a dead baby. That is horrific. I'm traumatized. Note to self: avoid baby showers for the rest of time.
UGH just say no to miscarriage cakes. This is what you'd give Mictlantecuhtli.
The baby cupcakes are rockin', though.
sorry- my bad.
if you want to do the linky thing it would help if I typed it so it DID NOT work and you can see the code!
what that means is when you want to create a link, use the cheat below BUT remove the spaces between the "" in the end. with those spaces in there you get to see the code so you'll have it for future reference. take the spaces out and you get the link done properly.
the example Jen used was making the words "my blog" link to Epbot when someone clicked on them:
my blog
So, here's your cheat sheet:
MY TEXT
copy it, keep it nearby and REMOVE THE SPACES BETWEEN THE "a" IN THE END!
sorry about that- was just trying to be helpful (sigh)
You need to check out the video of the realistic baby cake cutting video....the cake is red velvet! Very disturbing! It's on Youtube.
Fee, fie, foe, fum! Dibs
on candied baby's scrotum.
Num, num every crumb.
In case "scrotum" is too much:
Yum! Fee, fie, foe fum!
Dibs on candied baby's bum!
Num, num every crumb.
Which has a better cadence, but lacks the horror which is the perfect, teeny detailed baby candy mold necessary for those final "treats." Seriously. Imagine rolling around a chocolate sleeping baby in your mouth like a fine truffle, then gnashing down.
I was wondering why @Sharyn was less interactive of late. My personal indicator for when a bug is bad is when people nearby talk in whispers and I haven't said anything. While the background music takes a 'dramatic' turn, people suddenly have Concerned Looks and guys in white coats stroke their chins a lot. That last bit happens when I don't have a bug, too, come to think of it. Never mind...
@Barbara Anne, thanks for the link trainer (obscure ground school reference), but 'MY TEXT' led to an undisclosed location on CW. I'm pretty sure I saw Elvis before I was escorted away by a guy who looked like John(thoJ), in a black suit and sunglasses. Later, Theardare seemed to know all about the incident, but all he would say was, "that wasn't Elvis, it was swamp gas and weather balloons," in a very unconvincing tone. Hmm.
Fourth cake down looks like the baby's having a severe allergic reaction to bee stings. xD And the second one down....yikes!!
I do not want a slice of that, no thanks.
Haiku Joy hits it again!! Perfect!
P.S. I'm not clicking on the .gif. I'm too afraid.
P.P.S. Sharyn got me singing and laughing, too!
I just found another blog's post in which the baker describes the week-long work it takes to make her version of those last baby cupcakes, and her feelings on watching one being eaten. I quote:
"Although the babies are totally edible, I must say I was shocked to see someone take a big bite out of one (I called her a cannibal)." She goes on to describe how these are meant as mementos to last until the baby goes to college.
Here is yet another blog's post highlighting similar cupcakes. The baker's response to seeing one being eaten is in the comments. Again, I quote:
"Most people did not eat the babies (one exception and it weirded me out to be honest). [...] The person who ate her baby was just going to nibble on the toes - but somehow she ended eating most of it. I seriously don't know how she did it. [...] it took a while to make the babies and I was kind of attached. It felt a bit like cannibalism to me."
Why make them edible if they are not to be eaten?
Theardare types and now also speaks? Strange cat.
Begs the question: Did KarateLady with her genetic engineering did something to him or was he born that way?
I give up! (disgusted sigh)
Look here.
I wouldn't want @Barbara Anne to feel bad -- after all, she's only trying to help. That said...
Went to Area 51-1/2 again -- I think I saw Howard Hughes working on the Spruce Goose II. Escorted away very quickly this time. Hmm.
Well, at least other people can have more links than a sausage factory.
Imagine a puppy. In the rain. You'll have to imagine it, because I can't link. (Of course, I don't have a picture to which to link, so I guess it's rather a moot point.) Not a simile, or anything -- just thought I'd throw that in for pathos and stuff.
@Sharyn ~ I have the plague too.:( We can hang ot on that remote island together! The foot is healed, thanks for asking!
@Craig ~ If John (thoJ)/Elvis pulls out a really cool pen, DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!!
Soooooooo incredibly gross.
Guys, I am so sorry, but I've become a teensy bit obsessed with the candy newborn cake toppers. I have now found a version online in which the poor helpless tyke is dressed up as CANDY CORN. So totally-edible-but-not-to-be-eaten baby is dressed up as candy, but don't eat him, because he's a baby, except he's 100% edible, but don't you dare eat him, you monster, even though you ought to eat what your hostess serves you. Which is a baby disguised as candy.
How wrong is it of me that I want to order some and mix them in a bowl of candy corn, and be all "oops, sorry, didn't mean to eat the baby - he looked JUST LIKE candy corn! Not my fault he was edible."
Oh help me, someone. Now I'm shopping for silicone baby molds, so I can make a bowl of cheap Wilton fondant baby nudes and put them in a candy dish on my desk. Students are forever telling me they should be excused from All Things College because of parenthood. Now as they plead their cases with me, I can nonchalantly reach over and snack on a newborn. . . .Mmm, soft spot.
@Haiku Joy -- I wish you'd been one of my professors...
Actually, I'm liking those bite sized babies. They are small enough to take a fork and gently move to the side of your plate so you don't have to chomp down on baby tush. And then grab an extra paper cup from the drinks table and discreetly take home with you to live in your fridge so you can ooh and awe at it until it grows fur. (Or is that just what I'd do?)
But seriously...that baker needs to put down the fondant and pick up some fimo (or other modeling material) and make some tiny babies people can keep, cause those babies are adorable.
@Jodee I had to read that twice before I realized what the "really cool pen" meant! :D
@Haiku Joy isn't it a teensy bit early in the semester to be going this far around the bend? However, please video tape the reactions of your students as you munch candy babies nonchalantly. That would be pure entertainment gold.
@Craig you need to stop making these pleasure trips and get that unseeing machine perfected! Good grief, man, it was a close call that Gossamer nearly got caught- thank goodness they fell for the story it was just you! ;)
@Barbara Anne -- LOL
Ok. What happened with the link thing. The posts showed only the words MY TEXT as a link, which took me on those 'pleasure trips' when clicked. (You try getting a quick glimpse of stuff you know will never be believed, then whisked away before you can finish asking, "WHAT WAS THA...?" and tell me how pleasant it is.)
But I digress.
I figured the a /a thing was involved since I've seen it before and it appears in the "Some HTML allowed" guide right below the box where I'm typing this. But the actual tag never showed up, presumably because the text editor converts it at posting time. The link to Jen's Epbot guide cleared things up marvelously. Before that, I even went to Epbot and tried searching for 'link', which returned a post about how Jen makes her own chain mail using only needle nose pliers, wire, and access to another dimension of time that allows 36-hour days.
Anyway, all's well that ends well. Now I too, can have more links than a golf course. Camper happiness has been restored*. Thanks, @Barbara Anne.
*Or would be, except for what I saw 'over there'... I'm telling you, there is more to this blog than meets the eye! The cakes are just a front. That spore-looking 'EPCOT' thing is a real spaceship, and all the posts about it are full of secret HTML tags! 'Disney Font' my left elbow. Why, I...<FLASH!>...was saying just the other day how a weather balloon can look exactly like Elvis.
(Or did I have my eyes closed when the PEN flashed? Bwahahaha.)
Please tell me that is not a scrotum beneath the baby in the last (bite-sized) photo.
@Haiku Joy ~ I totally want to go back to college now just so I can be in your class. Epic!!!
@Barbara Anne ~ A few months ago the local hardware store was giving away these little reflector light thingy's. It's like a bike reflector with an on/off button. When my 13 yr old gets all teenager attitude-ish we grab it and push the button and tell her we're flashing her memory. o.O She doesn't get it but it makes us laugh!
p.s. good catch on the Gossamer thing :D
There are better times to go round the bend than others? Dang, I really ought to plan these out . . . .
My 10th grade biology teacher made us watch a home video of a lobotomy preformed on a corpse. That .gif just gave me a massive high school flashback. I can still smell the formaldehyde. Thanks.
@Jodee you are a seriously cool mom! :D she'll appreciate that one day, I promise.
@HaikuJoy my father taught physics at the local university and liked to freak out the class by being all weird just before midterms...it's all in the timing ;)
@Craig (if that is your real name) the link problem wasn't deliberate but I should mention that while Elvis returned to his home planet Johnny 5 is still alive. I'm going with the "hacked" theory since it's less painful than the "Barbara Anne can't copy/paste properly" theory. -
That .gif reminded me of the ending of that one Hannibal Lecter movie, where Ray Liotta is at the dinner table with his yummy brain exposed. Ah, good times!
Bakers keep making these cakes because people keep asking for and paying us for them. Though we ourselves might find these kind of cakes a bit odd people want them and continue to order them.
I just choose to not post most of these type of cakes on my website or in my cake gallery.
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, I mean I haven't had any babies myself, but wouldn't it be a little hard to give birth (in a bikini WTF?) when YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN YOUR BIKINI BOTTOMS OFF? Anybody?
I'm loving the .gif, makes me want to be a zombie
@Gail ~ Be glad you don't have to see these cakes without the bikini bottoms. Somewhere in the archives there's a much more realistic one...with sprinkles! It's so disturbing I can't go look for you until @Craig gets done with the unsee machine.
@Barbara Anne ~ Johnny 5!!! Woot!!! :)
Gail, don't worry. You just kinda scoot the bikini bottom to the side a little and then voila! The magic. Of being born. If you're a cake baby, offspring of a cake torso.
@Haiku Joy: If you *happen* to receive a package of tiny button cameras wirelessly connectable to a live web feed, don't be alarmed.
@Barbara Anne: Thank you so much. Sorry you had such a tough time with that, but I am very happy, as I was able to read the exchange between you and Craig. Hi-larious! And also, I just might be able to embed an actual link, if ever the need arises. Perhaps I will just start embedding them in every post, just because I know how (theoretically speaking).
@Andrea, no alarm here. I'll either use or sell them immediately. I figure those have got to be worth, what? Five bucks apiece?
Also, for the last one, you'll not only be eating fake babies, but also fake baby genitalia!
The problem with a lot of these baby and pregnant mom cakes is that they don't look lifelike - literally. They look more like an embalmed body laying in a casket. That sounds morbid, I realize that, but it's the truth.
Ohhhh...Those CUPCAKES!!!!
Somebody out there thinking: "MMMM....Yea! Time to Eat some Baby BUTT!"
LOL.......actually not funny!
Wait YEA!