GET ME A UNICORN CHASER! (Oh. Wait.)
July 23, 2012 [Note: Today's post contains a mildly bad word, because I put it in to make John laugh and then he said it was too funny to take out. Please parent accordingly.]
According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn chaser is anything that "serves as a cleansing of the palate after a viewer has been subjected to a distasteful internet image or experience." If you've ever mistakenly clicked a link that showed you something really disgusting, like clown porn or Snooki's pregnancy pictures, then you know what I'm talking about.
You can even buy a Unicorn Chaser from ThinkGeek, although they don't mention what it tastes like. I'm guessing moonbeams and Oreo filling, because I can't imagine anything that tastes better than that, except maybe Oreo filling without the moonbeams. But it might taste like green Skittles, which would be disgusting, and then you'd need another chaser for your Unicorn chaser. Which would be both sad and kind of filling.
Look, my point is that these clouds look like shit:
;)
No, wait. That wasn't my point at all.
My point is, Unicorn horns: Do they really need a point?
;)
Or can they just be a giant lump like a cartoon head injury?
Or a large pile of bird doo-doo?
And do unicorns need heads, or can they just puke rainbows directly out of their necks?
;)
Assuming they still have a horn jammed in there somewhere, I mean?
True Story: As I was typing "do unicorns need heads" just now, I could totally hear one of you saying, "Why would a unicorn need a bathroom at sea?" And I was all, "WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE QUESTION, IMAGINARY WISE-GUY READER." And then you were all, "Gee, sorry," and I was able to move on after eating a spoonful of Oreo filling for recovery purposes.
This unicorn-pooping-cupcakes cake is adorable, and I won't have any of you speaking a WORD against it.
;)
Unless you want to comment on the wonky elongated nipple/leg. That I'd be ok with.
And finally, you know how when you visit a friend or relative, and you break something, and you just lay the broken bits down like they're not broken and hope nobody notices until a few days after you leave? No?
Ok, how about this:
You know how when you can't get a cake unicorn head to stand up on its own, so you just break it off and plop it back down on the body at an unnatural angle and pretend it's supposed to look like that?
;)
o.0
[backing away slowly]
If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here eating Oreo fillings in the moonlight. Just as soon as I find a picture of the moon for my computer screen.
Hey Laura B., Andrea & Anne Marie, Joshanna R., Robin E., & Samantha S. - why the long face and creepy demon eyes?
Reader Comments (84)
Thank you so much for calling my attention to the "nipple/leg". Pretty sure that's going to haunt me for the rest of the week...
If not- that last cake will.
Looking at the Sunday Sweets I missed yesterday was my unicorn chaser for this post.
Why would anyone make clouds brown? Yes, they look like s**t, literally. White
clouds, black clouds, grey clouds, and yes, green clouds (in other words, you're in for
one hell of a storm), but brown??? Yuck. Pass over the Oreo filling, which DOES look like
clouds. And I'm sad to say that all I can see with the headless unicorn is that pieces of his
colorful tail make him look like he has two enormous testicles, one red and one pink, and another
glance at it makes me wonder about the green...
[Editor's note- I took out your naughty word. Just because your friend jumps off a bridge doesn't mean you should, young lady! Don't make me get the soap! -john]
Gee, and here I thought the bad word was, "Snookie's pregnancy pictures".
Does the unicorn without the head puking neck rainbows have a very unfortunately placed red "tail" bit that looks very much like a scrodum sac...or is it just me????
i love that pooping cupcake one....well not the legs....what would be better....a My Little Pony unicorn cake with a cupcake on it's butt...pooping cupcakes! Take that evil cupcake cakes!
you can't say the brown word.
not you...
you just broke the internet.
*Gasp* How Could you?!?
Just Kidding! You're post is awesome as usual. And in the words of my favorite professor, "it's ok Unicorn, you can poo a rainbow tomorrow."
BAHAHA!! Oh goodness, I soooo needed that laugh on a dreary Monday morning! You're the best!
?I don't get your comment on that last one. It's ugly as sin, sure, but where's the horn you were talking about?
So THAT'S where cupcakes come from!
It's going to be a long time before I eat cupcakes again, no matter how cute the unicorn was...
According to the ingredient list on thinkgeek, the Unicorn Chaser appears to be an herbal energy drink...with glitter in it.
Ok, I know you said don't go there, but I can't resist.... Did someone with really poor eyesight think they were feeding cupcakes to the happy unicorn? Or is a cupcake suppository what puts a smile on the happy unicorn's face?
Wow, the work in that last cake is amazing! Too bad it creeps me out. I love that the unicorn is pooping chocolate cupcakes! ha!
You know, you can apparently also get your Oreo filling fix from Baskin Robbins and Dunkin Donuts. I'll save you an Oreo Coolatta (sp?) and donut for your next book tour up to Mass., which I've heard through the grapevine is as likely to happen as a unicorn with unelongated legs pooping cupcakes. ;-)
Wha... Pooping cupcakes?
Oy.
“In praise of Oreo filling” – Dear Jen, I remember a few months ago, when you revealed on EPBOT that you and John had come thisclose to shutting down CakeWrecks, citing stress and weariness. All of your readers responded with messages of support, along the lines of “You have to take care of you.” However, I know that all of those commenters were somewhat grieved (panicked?) at the thought of your daily hilarious and witty observations going away. TODAY, I’m very glad that we still have CakeWrecks! Bravo, Miss Jen!
That last cake looks like the fairy version of the horse head scene from “The Godfather”.
Anyway…
Sung to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”
You pooped over the rainbow
Tell me why?
Can’t a girl get a cake not
Teeming with e-coli?
When the next cake looked good you
Ruined that, too.
Get that poor thing an icepack, and
An Advil or two.
Someday I’ll look upon a cake
And it won’t make my heart just break
Or blind me
Don’t want to call the bakery cops
But someone’s stealing pony tops
DON’T LET HIM FIND ME!!!!!
Next one explains a bakery
Mystery
When unicorns eat frosting
They poop out CCC’s.
You made my unicorn cake die
Then put its head back
Why, oh why, oh why?
Jen, for your morning's hilarity go look for youtube videos for "punie mushroom hunting". It's related. I swear!
TOTALLY made my Monday as well!! Jenn, thanks for being you! Hilarious! One may wonder what occasion calls for a "Unicorn pooping out cupcakes" cake. Hmmmmmmm.
the dark side of unicorns....
Somewhere on top of a rainbow
Way up high,
A unicorn pooped on a dream,
Shat on a lullaby.
Oh - LOL!! I reading and scrolling, and I'm having an imaginary conversation in my head (which, given the topic was unicorns, was somehow appropriate and not weird like at other times). 'Unicorn popping cupcake? Wow - I'm surprised Jen is posting a CCC and actually telling us not to make a deal out of it. Hmmmm.... let me scroll down and see this awesome CCC Jen thinks we need to loo..... aaaaahhhhhhh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! It's POOPING! Cupcakes!!! Oh dear God what..... why...... wh....... Words fail me.
On another note -- if you want an awesome picture of a moon (and Jupiter. Over Italy) then check out this post from Astronomy Picture of the Day:
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap120720.html
Okay, okay, wait just one gosh-darn minute here.
Can one BUY tubs of the Oreo filling on its own? How could I possibly have missed this nugget of knowledge heretofore?
Mind. blown.
Sharyn made me laugh as usual XD but those cakes...yee gods what where they thinking???? D:
I need to know where you buy Oreo filling. NOW!
@Anonymous -- I will never, EVER eat mushrooms again. That was... It really... I can't... Words fail. Off to watch it again.
Sorry, John, I'll try not to do it again --- but you make jumping off the bridge look so attractive!
The cupcake pooping unicorn looks like a mumintroll plus wings and horn
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moomin
"It was the unicorn all right, and it was dead. Harry had never seen anything so beautiful and sad. Its long, slender legs were stuck out at odd angles where it had fallen . . . . "
I don't remember there being a fairy on its neck, though. And it's really the HEAD that's at an odd angle here.
CRAP should have been what WERE they thinking
The inventor of Oreo filling died just this past spring.
You can make your own, it is supposed to taste just the same, but most of the recipes online sound so greasy I wonder. Oreo filling doesn't see THAT greasy. The recipes are mainly shortening and gelatin.
The cakes? I love, absolutely LOVE the unicorn pooping cupcakes! I don't see anything off with its feet though. I guess that was just to deflect our attention from its butt!
Well then... *cough*
That was an interesting display of "artwork". Let us review:
1.) A charming display of color and poo: "A Piece of Nyan"
Please see the following video for point of reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4
2.) Ah...a French horse, such a rare breed: "DeChicco's Pride"
Beldar's favorite.
3.) An omage to Charlie's last stand: "Charlie vs. The Blah-blah-blah"
He never stood a chance.
4.) A mark of uniqueness: The Coopcake Unicorn.
Just be sure to watch out for the legs; they nip.
5.) Finally, a masterpiece. The Godfather would be proud.
Story behind the last cake:
Sparkle the Fairy saw the danger and tried - oh, how she tried - to warn her beloved unicorn (or hideous donkey/pony thing), but it was no use. The wagon loaded with the blacksmith's tools was out of control, headed down the hill, straight for the unicorn (or hideous donkey/pony thing). Sparkle couldn't bear to watch.
After the crash, devastated, she cradled the broken body of her friend. "I love you! Don't go!"
Sadly, no Disney magic arrived to bring the unicorn (or hideous donkey/pony thing) back to life. So she and her friends fired up the barbeque..
The end.
Uh, that headless unicorn. Do you think that was deliberate? Because, like @Sam above, I'm seeing things that should never be associated with rainbow tails. I'm just sayin'...I think that somewhere out there is one seriously scarred-for-life kid.
As for the cupcake pooper...well, I shall not fear the desire for cupcakes coming upon me suddenly for a while now. Because just...ew. Tell me that wasn't for a birthday cake for some innocent child who will now grow up to be a vegetarian who is terrified of all animals? Because I can totally see that.
I'm not sure if there are Cold Stone Creamery ice cream shops nationwide, but they have Oreo filling flavored ice cream. YUM. Coincidentally, they also have cake batter flavored ice cream. My FAVE!
Due to the advantage of a classical education I can say the last one is
Titania and Bottom (a donkey, also a man dressed up as a donkey) from
Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. or possibly nightmare. At least that is what I think
Why, Jen, would you ruin the last good thing in the world? Unicorns are dead to me now (and aparently to whomever made cakes #2,3 and 5). Not even the visual of what unicorns think of CCC (patooie!)s was enough to lift my spirits. It's like in Legend, when the unicorn's horn was broken off and stolen. The Lord of Darkness has consumed the daylight. Where is Tom Cruise in his mini-dress to make things right?!
Well, the mental soundtrack for today's post is 'Shaving Cream', in an improbable medley with 'What Was I Thinking'. Only it's more like, 'What Were They Thinking'.
At least there hasn't been an EPCOT over...well, you know.
Do I have to spell it out?
Ok, Snooki's pregnancy pictures.
good one Sharyn.
Um I honestly didn't notice the legs on #4 I was looking more towards the cupcakes coming out of the butt of unicorn. and that last one reminds me of a horse doing a sexy face and pose(well trying to).
I laughed harder at today's post than was probably necessary, but MAN, did I need it.
On an (Oreo) related note: here's some Weird Al
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qf15PTHsaEY
Read to the tune of the nursery rhyme "This is the house that Jack built".
This is the rainbow clouds dark
This is the unicorn finned shark
that viewed the rainbow clouds dark
This is the headless pony rug
that swam with the unicorn finned shark
that viewed the rainbow clouds dark
This is pegasus flying smug
that watched the headless pony rug
that swam with the unicorn finned shark
that viewed the rainbow clouds dark
This is the horse with nostrils flared
that ducked the pegasus flying smug
that watched the headless pony rug
that swam with the unicorn finned shark
that viewed the rainbow clouds dark
This is me now visually impaired
that spotted the horse with nostrils flared
that ducked the pegasus flying smug
that watched the headless pony rug
that swam with the unicorn finned shark
that viewed the rainbow clouds dark
Seriously, does that last cake have its hide quarters smushed in and it is on display in a store? The upper left of the picture shows a pegged rack with what looks like egg timers.
The sad this is - the last one is SUPPOSED to look like this cake:
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/MistyBlue5105/howtomakeacake-cakeinternational1.jpg
Which is a masterpiece.
Yes, the head is on all wonky on that last unicorn, and that's very disturbing, but once i dragged my eyes away from that, i realized that the flank? Is TOTALLY creepy and deflated-looking. It's like a dragon came and took a giant bite out of the unicorn's butt, and then it started healing until the unicorn's head got torn off.
I -NEED- a t shirt with the cupcake pooping unicorn on it! NAO!
Oh man, I'm supposed to be applying for jobs but this is so much more fun! Eating Oreos and laughing way to much, thank you!
Wow, the pooping unicorn is kinda funny but the last one is waaaay too close to roadkill for comfort XD
I wish the cupcake pooping unicorn would come to my town. It's my birthday and I didn't get any cake. But it's probably best if he stays put, it's very hot here and he might burn his nipple hooves on the asphalt.
Not only can unicorns puke rainbows directly out of their necks, apparently they can also excrete them out their butts.
my whole face hurts from my shocked eyebrows that creased my forehead, to my chin that dropped to my chest (doesn't have that far to go) when i made the frowning mama face. laughs and grimaces at cakes and your dialog. you were on your A-Game for this Unicorn Monday. now, where'd i put my Unicorn chaser?
Thanks Renee for showing the inspiration. I kinda think I'm more depressed now. Maybe a nice unicorn-poo will cheer me up...