CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4
July 11, 2012 Too often I've been accused of making you readers hungry with my steady parade of candy-coated misspellings and butchered bakery goods.
Well, NO MORE!
Or at least not for today.
Here, I'll ease you in slowly, in case you're mid coffee-sip:
This is your spleen...or possibly a giant tumor...on cupcakes.
Any questions?
I've been told there are no accidents in life; only learning experiences. If that's true, then we're all about to learn something very important:
Some bakers get sick if you feed them too many mini-marshmallows.
Also, we're not hungry. No, none of us. Now go away. Shoo.
Before you ask, this "cake" was being served at a buffet restaurant, and no, that's not mold:
It just looks like mold. Thereby saving the establishment literally dozens of dollars in their dessert budget, I'm sure. (Reminds me of the restaurant with candy sprinkles on their sushi rolls. Hey... do you think it's the same place?)
I'm not really sure what's happening in there, but it's a safe bet you're not getting your little plastic purse back.
The tag on this next one says, "Freshly made in store by our bakers."
And thank goodness for that! There's just nothing worse than stale vomit from some factory, am I right?
Also...are those...olives? (Deep breaths, Jen...deep...breaths...)
Baker by day, retirement-center barber by night?
EWWWWWWW.
Ok, I just made MYSELF gag. Urg. And no, I don't know what the "hair" is really. Let's just try not to think about it too hard, okay?
Hey, now, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
Ah, well, don't worry. Someone'll just stick that on the clearance rack later.
You know, once it cools.
Thanks to Rob A., Emily F., Dani S., Andrea & Anne Marie, Mim & Vince, Lisa D., & Regina G. for the uplifting chucking experience. Who's hungry now, bee-yotches? HUH?
;){kind=link}
Reader Comments (91)
I haven't had breakfast yet. Perhaps that's just as well.
Cakes that look like they have olives (and pickles!) on them? Cakes with mold? Cakes that look like things not mentioned in polite company? On the "hair" cake --- I don't know about the hair, but I think all the orange stuff is lava, and the barn is about to be engulfed. Maybe the "hair" is an offering to Pele, but if so, where's the vodka that would go along with it? On second though, WE need the vodka after looking at those cakes!
On the volcano cake...my guess is hair nets?
There are no words. Except maybe 'why?!' or 'sweet baby jeebus in a tuxedo shirt, those are horrid!!'. I feel very sad for the little farm that is about to be wiped out by the hair volcanoes.
Great googly-moogly.
If that's not mold, wth is it? (not entirely certain I want to know)
and hair? On a cake? Really?
I've got a fairly strong constitution -- even yesterday's peek-a-boo train wreck didn't phase me...but today's posts actually made my stomach roil.
Bakers...really....what possesses you to think anyone actually wants to buy this stuff?
Well there goes my french toast. And it kinda looked like a few of these cakes, maybe I should join the local bakery?!?
Well to say I am happy I made my own birthday cake this year is an understatement after looking at these 'cakes' XD. Thanks for making me smile today Jen.
Definitely not hungry, although there is some gurgling going on in my stomach. I guess the hair is supposed to be smoke from the volcanoes that are destroying that little Kentucky farm? Cause they have lots of volcanoes there.
Gee, these volcanoes (volcanos?) look great and everything, but they could use something... more.
Hmmmm... (scratches head, getting netting tangled on finger)
*lightbulb* I'VE GOT IT!
What amazes me is someone actually had some of the 3rd one. Yuck! I think that is milk balls not olives, not that it makes it any better. lmao! I sure hope some of these bakers retired after these cakes. Realized that they are not cut out for cake deco. I just dont understand how someone could make these cakes and think it looks good. They must have been trying to get fired.
Ewwwww. Wow. I wasn't feeling well this morning, anyway. This doesn't help!
I never thought I'd say this, but I've never seen chocolate look so unappetizing. Aren't there laws against this?
I'm guessing the olives are actually milk duds, and the volcano toppers are (hopefully new and unused) hair nets. Two things (out of hundreds of thousands) that don't belong on a cake... ever...
Sung to "Love is All Around" (Mary Tyler Moore Show theme)
Who can take baked goods and make then vile?
Who can take a tray of cakes, toss on a spleen and sqiggles of bile?
Wreckerators, and you should know it
With each pile of mini-mallow vomit they show it
Wrecks are all around, no need to taste 'em
Frosting them with mold will make us waste them
Who'd want to bake that after all?
Who'd want to bake that after all?
Why's that Horta carrying a purse?
No vomit cake in my cart, I think I'll just go and call a hearse
Pubic lava wiped out that village
Still, it's better than sewage plant spillage
Wrecks are all around, no need to taste 'em
Everything they bake will just disgrace them
Who'd want to bake that after all?
Not gonna take that after all
This is the best day of my life! My drowning pink purse/shoe photo got on Cake Wrecks!
OMG. I may never....eat cake... again. Honestly, don't the bakers, their supervisors, the store manager, co-workers realize how utterly disgusting these abominations are? They think these things can be sold? REALLY? Boggles the mind. Oh, right try not to think about it.
If the smoke is spun sugar that is kind of cool, albeit sparse to the point of questionable. However cotton candy probably would have worked better.
Between yesterday and today though I must admit that I am happy to not have had cake or cupcakes in a very long time.
after all this time reading your blog, I've never exclaimed "oh my god, that's cake?!" out loud until today. blaaraghghgh
Oh, hurl. That looks like fried chicken tenders on that last cake. I think my favorite thing about today's nastiness is that the buffet cake had some takers..."Dessert! I'll have some pudding, and a, mmmm, lemon bar, and, oh, what's this? I'll have a nice big scoop of horror."
I think the hairy/smoke is hairnets. It does *kind of* look like smoke but not so much that it's wort puting HAIRNETS ON A CAKE!!!
Also, I have realized that I should have split my Favorite Recipes pineterst board into two categories: chocolate and chicken. I'm not sure where I could put that last wreck if I had done that though.
Cake #2 looks like the Easter bunny chucked up his haul... or his stash...
Anyway... They are all equally disturbing to the uttermost!!!
Thanks for a great laugh to start the day off...... right?
Maybe the "hair" cake (yellow splotches, 6th one down) is supposed to be flames engulfing a house and barn. There've been a lot of fires out there lately. Or, not...
To top it off, at the bottom of this "appetizing" array of wonders were the "MORE MORE MORE" tiny photos. The first one was of the toe fungus cake.
I've started my diet today....
....That is hair. It is MULTIPLE COLORS, what else would be brown and gray like that?
I find myself hoping they put synthetic barbie-type hair on that cake. Never thought I'd say that.
As a custom caker, I hope I can shed some light on the wrecks of the day:
#1 - Acorn? The fall leave sprinkles give it away.
#2 - It's a public service message, "A warning to all kids what will come back to haunt them if they
indulge in too many ice cream sundaes"
#3 - This is not a buffet, it's a science fair and this is one of the finalists.
#4 - The baker was simply short on time. You see, they thought it would be cute to put the purse and high heel shoe on the bunt cake. Then, realizing they had forgotten the mandatory glaze and that is was 30 seconds until they could take their break, they decided to add glaze without removing said flotsam. Can't miss 20 seconds of said break.
#5 - There are no words
#6 - If said "baker" would have reduces the lava flow by 70% and left the hair nets off, not too bad
#7 - Cake - good; Chocolate glaze - good; Cookies - good. Add 'em all up - SO BAD!
I'm pretending the volcano smoke is cotton candy and those olives are actually Whoppers...looks like there might be other candy bits in that one...The mold cake and hair volcano is making me ill.
These cakes are marvelous examples of the avant-garde styling of the infamous cake decorator Anthony Dilly, a baker of little renown who practiced what was called Barf-Art. He began his work in the bowels of the industry and quickly and forcefully brought it up and spewed it on society (aided by his apprentice, Esoffo Guss, who was instrumental in bringing his work to the masses). While many could not stomach his work, it was hard to keep down, and his work erupted in bakery shops everywhere. Initially, people thought it was a gag, and when Dilly continued to hurl his creations upon them, they would throw up their hands in disgust. Dilly talked about nothing else than his work, and while his friends tried to silence him, he would bring it up again and again and again. He would constantly regurgitate his claim that his work would live forever. His work, however, did not last; people continued to be nauseated by it, and when Dilly finally purged himself of this “sickness” as some called it, people heaved a sigh of relief. Years later, when his diary was discovered, it was learned that the poor decorator wanted to be the Salvador Dali of cake decorating, leading many to comment, “He could Dilly, not Dali.”
That first one actually looks like a piece of liver dipped in chocolate and plunked in the middle of the cake...maybe someone realized what they were dipping and flung it and it just landed on the cake...?
As for the last one, those are cookies shoved in the top and while it looks like crap warmed over (literally), I'm enough of a chocoholic that I'll be that one tastes great.
The last one is definitely fried chicken covered in chocolate.
Sharyn you are brilliant! I wil be singing that all day. I did well until the volcano cake and the "hair". I literally almost hurled...thank goodness my cubical is close to the restroom. Love this site and I appreciate the warning of what was to come.
At the risk of an Epcot, I think those "olives" are actually malted milk balls, and the "hair" is supposed to be volcanic smoke - not a bad idea, just not very well executed.
I know EXACTLY what that is on top of those volcanoes...I have a large dog, and when I empty my cylinder vacuum cleaner, one of those is what I find...yurk, I made myself feel even sicker than the cake did.
Sharyn - no,no,NO!! Pubic lava??You have excelled yourself again!
I never thought I would see a post that made me dislike cake, especially chocolate cake-thanks for that DX
@mel: [standing up, applauding] Well done! Well done!
Unlike any of these cakes!!!
Cake #4 -- they put Pepto-Bismol (or should I say Pepto-Dismal) on it, anticipating the nausea that this "cake" would produce.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! I think that first one might be meant to be a cornucopia. But a cornucopia full of.... No, there is no excuse for any of these.
I'm pretty sure the volcanic cake is something I saw at the "Ugliest Cake Competition" that they have at our Iowa State Fair every year. I'm absolutely sure it was intentional.
Even my 2 year old son, who loves cake said all those looked "yucky" His exact words for that strawberry mess, "Eww momma, gross!"
On cake # 5... I Spy...
9 malt balls
3 pcs of mint areo chocolate bar
2 mini peppermint patties
9 scoops of what looks like ice cream
1 red sour cherry candy
There, that cleaned out the leftover bulk candy bin!
Here's what goes through my mind as I look at each cake:
Cake 1: Possibly a dog turd swirl on top of cow diarrhea? Scatological humor abound!
Cake 2: My GOD it looks like puke! That is just TOO FREAKIN' FUNNY!
Cake 3: That's so funny! It looks like MOLD!!!
Cake 4: Does anyone else here think that looks like someone turded, ate bad raspberries, threw up on their turd, and then decided it was a good idea to put their stereotypical teen daughter's purse and shoe on there, too? Because that's what it looks like to me!
Cake 5: Wow! It looks like puke! That's so gross! Hey, let's go look at it closer! LOL!!!
Cake 6: Hey! It's a hair cake for 70yo men!
Cake 7: OMG THAT'S FUNNY!!! It looks like a conglomerate of various turds!
Sum it all up: I just acted like a 10yo boy for a full 20 minutes, and anyone who doesn't like it can just take a hike! HA!
I think someone with steathy ninja skills ought to sneek into the bunker and find out what Theadare is up to...we have lost Haiku Joy and Craig seems to be "falling" behind in his daily posts!!
Thanks in advance...be careful down there!
*vomit-y vomiting noises* WHY CRUEL WORLD?!
Oh, wow. Only last night I was watching the second eposide of a fascinating show "The Science of Decay." Very educational. Did you know if you put out station points (food bits), the brainless slime mold with map out the most efficient routes that rival (of not exceed) the Tokyo railway system?
The only saving grace for the cakes is that the stuff on it doesn't *pulsate* as it spreads
Looks like what you see if you're stupid enough to peek into the port-a-potty hole.
If all baked goods looks like this America wouldnt be experiencing an obesity epidemic.
At first glance, I thought the mini-marshmallows were pills. The green ones are emetics, the pink ones are appetite suppressants, the peach ones are expectorants and the white ones are after-dinner mints.
That last one is definitely a crime against chocolate. So sad.
@mel: [snort!] "He could Dilly, not Dali" - love it!
Ummm YUCK. That is all I can come up with. I love to check out the cakes on this site but this post made me physically ill.
I lived on the Big Island of Hawaii during one of the volcano's eruptive phases. One of the things that happened with the eruption is "Pele's hair," essentially a spun volcanic glass that was gold in color. It was quite beautiful as it "rained" down, but nasty on car finishes and water catchment systems (you get your water from what falls on the roof in that part of Hawaii). The volcano cake totally made me think Pele's hair! (google it if you don't believe me)
That said, I was thus more worried about the destruction of the farm.
Nicely Nauseous today, Jen!
I honestly think the volcano cake is cool. Even with the hairy smoke.
Sharyn, please tell me you are a jingle writer or something similar.....
Naomi --
After-dinner mints a la Mr. Creosote?
-- Paul