CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4
July 11, 2012 Too often I've been accused of making you readers hungry with my steady parade of candy-coated misspellings and butchered bakery goods.
Well, NO MORE!
Or at least not for today.
Here, I'll ease you in slowly, in case you're mid coffee-sip:
This is your spleen...or possibly a giant tumor...on cupcakes.
Any questions?
I've been told there are no accidents in life; only learning experiences. If that's true, then we're all about to learn something very important:
Some bakers get sick if you feed them too many mini-marshmallows.
Also, we're not hungry. No, none of us. Now go away. Shoo.
Before you ask, this "cake" was being served at a buffet restaurant, and no, that's not mold:
It just looks like mold. Thereby saving the establishment literally dozens of dollars in their dessert budget, I'm sure. (Reminds me of the restaurant with candy sprinkles on their sushi rolls. Hey... do you think it's the same place?)
I'm not really sure what's happening in there, but it's a safe bet you're not getting your little plastic purse back.
The tag on this next one says, "Freshly made in store by our bakers."
And thank goodness for that! There's just nothing worse than stale vomit from some factory, am I right?
Also...are those...olives? (Deep breaths, Jen...deep...breaths...)
Baker by day, retirement-center barber by night?
EWWWWWWW.
Ok, I just made MYSELF gag. Urg. And no, I don't know what the "hair" is really. Let's just try not to think about it too hard, okay?
Hey, now, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
Ah, well, don't worry. Someone'll just stick that on the clearance rack later.
You know, once it cools.
Thanks to Rob A., Emily F., Dani S., Andrea & Anne Marie, Mim & Vince, Lisa D., & Regina G. for the uplifting chucking experience. Who's hungry now, bee-yotches? HUH?
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Reader Comments (91)
About that cake that looks like it has olives on it... I swear the bright green stuff on it looks like wasabi.
This may be the most horrifying entry of cake wrecks I have ever seen.
1) I see a pile o' poo wearing the Sorting Hat. "Hmmm...where to put you? Ravencaca? Hufflepoop? I know! Gryfindump!"
2) I think my cat may have gotten into the marshmallows again...
3) I like Custom Caker's explanation for this one. : )
4) Shark!
5) This is the little know version of "To The Pain" where the loser of the sword fight is forced to EAT this hideous thing!
6)
Judge: "This is little Bobby's cake submission. Bobby, why don't you tell us about your cake?"
Little Bobby: "Well, here's the cute little rows of vegetables and here's the barn. Then the volcano exploded with smoke and lava spewing all over! Covering the stupid vegetables so we won't ever have to eat them again! And destroying the barn WITH FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Judge: "O-kaaay. That's...vivid. Thank you. Tell us about what you used for your decorations."
Little Bobby: "Well, there's icing that I made different colors with food coloring and there's the plastic trees and barn and stuff and then there's the smoke that I made using Fido's fur--Where are you going? Don't you want a piece?"
7) @Regina G. (cake submitter): You bought that cake, didn't you? That's not a display cake, you actually bought it because it doesn't matter that it looks like the dog ate all the fried chicken and the grease gave him diarrhea and this cake is the result. None of that matters because IT"S CHOCOLATE AND COOKIES AND FROSTING AND CHOCOLATE! Isn't that right? ISN"T IT?!
@Ela: Pick me! Pick me! I'll go! I've had coffee two days straight and I already know the layout of the basement andKarateladygavemepointersontheEarScratchmoveandI'mboredsittinghereanywayIhavetoomuchenergywithallthatcoffeebutIshouldprobablygopottybeforeIheaddowntothebasement! Be back soon! *runs erratically in circles and then heads for the basement stairs*
I think the hair-stuff on top of the mountain is meant to be smoke.
The pink stuff that's swallowing the little plastic purse...is anyone here old enough to remember a movie called "The Andromeda Strain?" I think that's what's eating the purse. It's the plague.
that's not hair, those are hair nets! trust me I wear one to work every day...yuck!
mel and Andrea, both of you had me howling today ... which took my mind off the above wrecks, so thank you for that!
I was eating a very tasty potato salad when I saw that thing the resembled a hair ball. I'm not very squeamish but nearly lost it with that one.
Loving how the put Our Bakers in bold. If I were one of those bakes I'd be hanging my head in shame.
Thanks for making me laugh on a daily basis. You guys ROCK!
I'm trying to be optimistic and assume that the "smoke" on top of the volcanoes is spun sugar. I'm trying really really hard, because any alternative is just wrong. Eww.
@ Mel- Bravo! As for the cakes, well, I had planned on going out to dinner. But I'm not hungry anymore, for some reason.
The second one down looks like my gallbladder did when the took it out.
on wreck #5, those are malted milk balls, on wreck #6 I believe that netting is SUPPOSED to be smoke. BLRGH!
Hurry Ken--
The Blob is going to eat Barbie!!
Oh c'mon... all you need to do to fix that last cake is put a bird on it.
And maybe a gear.... mashing up the bird's feces. A little white would do that cake a world of good.
Where on earth did you get all these pictures...in real bakery? I wonder what their kitchen/behind the scene look like!! YIKES!!
All I could think of when I saw the first one is that something or someone pooed in the middle of it. Maybe it was bring your dog to work day. Lol
I think they're shower loofahs. Maybe. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tbhagg/3927251240/
"Ding!" *exits elevator*
Hi guys! Sorry it took me so long but I saw something shiny and - ooooh, shiny! What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Well, it appears there was a slight problem with the Un-See machines. No, don't worry too much, it's just very difficult to type when you can't see your own fingers. I'm hoping Craig and Haiku Joy and the rest will be better soon.
Let us know when you guys are able to type again. We miss you!
Freshly made in our bakery...because we hate you. And cakes. And you and cakes.
Urgh..blech...urk...These have to be the most disgusting cakes I have seen on here (well, except for some of the baby ones...and some of the medical condition ones...and...well...these are really bad!)
Sharyn, bravo!! Standing ovation! I grew up with MTM as one of my favorite shows!
My husband took one look at that last cake and said, "Looks like a dead rabbit."
@Sharyn: Horta with a purse
made my day
now back to Netflix
I think these cakes were made by people trying to make people not want to eat cakes. I don't even want to know about the hair. I think I might have nightmares.
I think I see a pony on that last chocolate mess cake. Or perhaps I just wanted to see a pony to take my mind (and stomach) off the other wrecks. I may not wait til Lent to give up cake.......
I am laughing only because I ate hours and hours ago. That hair looks suspiciously like hair nets. Think the bakers used used hair nets or got fresh ones? "Hey, just thinking off the top of my head, let's use our hair nets to portray smoke coming out of these vocanoes."
The olives, now, have me perplexed. No scenario comes to mind that would justify putting olives on cake. I may never view my Greek salad the same way again.
Meagan - you captured 10 year old boy speak perfectly! My 11 yo and I were in hysterics!
#1 are those flowered shaped sprinkles? cool
#2 are those pastel colored marshmallows sprinkled on a cake? cool
#3 are those brightly colored sprinkles? cool
#4 needs sprinkles
#5 needs a shroud
#6 um. yeah.
#7 I'd eat that in a heartbeat. chocolate and gobs of frosting? me happy.
okay, I tried to be positive on these, I reeallllly did (proof: I don't like sprinkles). You just make it so hard on a girl, wreckerators!!
@mel FREAKIN' AWESOME. I wondered what the Dilly was leading to - knew it couldn't have been a random name choice.
@Sharyn WOW :D
@Andrea you made me giggle/snort with Ravencaca? Hufflepoop? Gryfindump. glad you made it back safely. have you tried decaf??
@mel -- bravo -- that's right up there with the Anasazi post
@Andrea -- You can't see your own fingers? Does it work on thighs? Sign me up!
Thanks! I had been jonesing for something sweet (against all my rules this late at night), but you cured me of that! Sweet dreams... assuming those wrecks don't cause nightmares...
I now need some Pepto after looking at these horrors lol. I think whatever those things are on the lava cake are supposed to look like steam coming off the volcano.. they really look like brillo pads. Ugh. That last cake might just turn me off chocolate.. maybe lol.
The one with olives - I believe those ARE olives. I'm pretty sure that is actually a ring of dips (for chips). I see guacamole, at least, and am guessing the rest are also dips. The center part where the writing is appears to be actually plastic tray. I'm pretty sure that's dips. Still kinda gross, but a lot less so than when viewed as a cake.
The rest I cannot explain.
The farm is lucky. After looking at these, I want to go live on that farm.
PS - who the heck builds a farm at the foot of a live volcano???
@Ela, Andrea, et al -- still here. Had some problems posting and some other situations to deal with that today's wrecks sort of remind me of in a metaphorical way, but still here. It's nice to be missed.
I'm hoping to reverse engineer the MIB forgetting device -- I forget the name of it, ironically enough. Pocket-size and can affect a crowd of people at once. Just have to be careful to leave an abstracted memory: "Oh yes, I've already looked at that," so as to avoid a Groundhog Day paradoxical loop.
@Kelly, Andromeda is pistachio green, not pink. Unless it has mutated again, that is.
#1 The food fight between the bakery and the deli ended with a glob of chocolate pudding landing square in the middle of a tray of cupcakes. The baker said, "Don't worry -- no one will ever know."
#2 I want Lucky Charms for some reason. I realize one has to work fast in a grocery store bakery, but this? Buy a sheet cake, dump some mini-marshmallows in the middle, and spritz with chocolate. It's semi-homemade. Cocktail time!
#3 This honestly looks like a backed-up sink. Don't sane people normally put the strawberries on after baking?
#4 "I'm starting to think I can heal anything, Jim! Except this cake..."
#5 We need a close-up on the green stuff at 1 o'clock. It might be...did you see that?! We'd better get this into containment right away! Maybe the old man and the baby are alive because they didn't eat this. 601
#6 Farmville finally meets its just desserts. A more realistic smoke effect could have been achieved by setting it on fire -- too bad they didn't think of that. Or just wish it into the cornfield.
#7 Disturbing thought 1: Someone thought this needed to be made. Disturbing thought 2: Someone liked the result enough to put it on display.
Look right here... [FLASH] Today's post was a Sunday Sweets bonus. Move along now.
I think I saw that buffet cake at the Golden Corral!
i did okay until I got to the hair one. really, they couldn't think of something less gross than hair to use as "smoke" from the volcanoes. blech! hurl!
Really? I'm the only one who thinks that last cake looks delicious? Not pretty, but tasty. It's not chicken, it's chocolate cookies. I'm pretty much always game for that amount of chocolate...
I'll be brutally honest. That last cake isn't anything special to look at, but it's obviously ALL chocolate. I'd eat that.
#4 looks as if the baker felt sick (probably after tasting his own latest production) and decided to chug a whole bottle of pepto. only to throw it all up seconds later, because not even pepto can fix THIS kind of mess.
The marshmallow-laden cake is obviously an homage to the great American Jackson Pollack... or a Unicorn shat upon it.
Does it say something about me that I'd still eat most of them? Cake is cake in my world, and chocolate is chocolate... And the best thing? Nobody'll press me to share! :D
Nice one, Craig! Guess Andrea put my lessons to good use! Hey, Andrea, next time I'll should you the Wu-Shi finger hold. Works great on guys who don't understand the meaning of the word NO. :-)
(Also works on children who won't clean their room.)
The volcano hair smoke is some of the worst I've seen in a while. It's a shame, really. When I was a kid, I was fascinated by them & wanted to visit Hawaii to see them. After this cake, I don't want to go anywhere near the place! The Hawaii Tourism Department needs to confiscate this cake (and any like it) pronto or they're gonna have a serious drop in the number of visitors to the Islands this year, especially the Big one!