A Publix Service Announcement
June 22, 2012 Dear Publix Bakery,
My name is john, and we need to talk.
See, I like you. I really do. Your icing? Awesome. Your cheesecake pies? Beyond nummy. And every time I cruise your aisles at my local store there's nary a wreck to be found.
UNTIL NOW.
Exhibit A: A few weeks ago, I received a picture of your new "Cinnamon Candy Creme Cake":
;)
AKA, "The Sticky Pustule Bundt of DOOOOM! Now with more Herpes!"
Now don't get me wrong, PB. (Can I call you PB? 'Cuz I'm gonna call you PB.) Every bakery has an off day. But then I got a few more of these Pustule Poppin' pastries, and I started wondering: is this going to be a "thing?"
;)
A nasty, nasty "thing?"
Just to be sure, I went to my local Publix - my own flesh and blood, so to speak - and imagine my horror, PB, when I found this on the featured end cap:
;)
NooOOoooOOoo!
So here's what I propose, PB: You stop making the polyp'ed wonder here, and I'll stop thinking how much it reminds me of my dermatoligist's office posters.
Deal?
Thanks to Marlissa D. and Amanda G. for reminding to wear sunscreen today. And to always use protection. And to maybe have a salad for lunch.
Reader Comments (90)
Sung to “Yesterday”
Clearasil, why does my dessert need clearasil?
Just one look is sure to make me ill
Oh why does it need Clearasil?
Suddenly, not as hungry as I used to be
There's a clammy chill all over me
The nausea came suddenly
Is it really cake, or ebola on a tray?
Who knew I'd be calling the CDC today-ay-ay-ay?
Clearasil is not approved by the FDA
For human ingestion anyway
I think I’ll skip dessert today.
I dunno, John (thoJ). They might be a little sore about the blemish on their otherwise spotless record. I think you should let the idea fester for a while before you pop the question of getting new cake designs.
Its an ambush! John you got made and the people at publix saw you circling their displays and finally figured out who you were. Free advertizing for them! Alll it cost them was their dignity and the dignity of their advertising intern with the embarrassing STD (who they got drunk, stole his pants and let him have a little sit down on the color photocopier). Ick, I've grossed myself out now, bye :)
NOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOO, I have seen horrible things on here, but this is by far the worst! Why john? Why???
I will sign the petition to get Publix to stop making them.
Days like these I'm glad we don't have Publix here in the Midwest. Cuz......ewwwwwwww.
Ha ha! I saw one of these at my Publix a few months ago. I was absolutely horrified! I can't believe that this is really a "thing". They normally make such good cakes! (If you've never had one of their Black Forest cakes, now is the time.)
Sharyn bwahahaha, the cakes look as though they got a staph infection DX
We've seen some pretty nasty desserts on Cake Wrecks over the years, but this take the cake! So. Gross.
@Sharyn: "Suddenly, not as hungry as I used to be" LOL!! My thoughts exactly...
@Sharyn: You never fail to impress :)
@Moe: ...ew. :P
@PB: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy dear gods, WHY?!?!?
Great, now I'm itchy. Got any cakes iced in Calamine Pink?
Oh no, it's here. It is a little-known fact that the reason the Enterpise's five year mission was cut short was due to an outbreak of "Cinnamon Candy Creme" among the officers. Ending the mission was the only way to keep Kirk from spreading the ailment throughout the galaxy. Authorities hoped to prevent it from reaching earth, but their attemp seems to have failed. There is no cure, and only one known treatment, but only insofar as it worked for Mudd's women.
Now I know what I'll be thinking about when I take my daughter to the dermatologist tomorrow morning....
Nice advertising: "0 grams trans fat per serving" - as if that'd make me buy it... See - it's healthy! Ick!
LOL --- oh, so, so GROSS!
*sharyn, *moe -- well done you two. excellent.
ah... cake imitates life...these cakes resemble the x-rays from my recent cystoscopy and resulting surgery....
@john (thoj): good work!!
@Sharyn: spp
@Barbara Anne: I originally posted this on 6-4-12, but that post had a bad hair day and is gone and I know you missed that day. So here it is a again, because you deserve it: @Barbara Anne – re your comment of 5-31-12: you make me blush (in a non-celery type of way) and are far too kind. In addition to penning your own funny comments (often with parenthetical sighs, grumblings and other sound effects) which are a joy to read, you are the consummate commenter cheerleader for every one – always encouraging, always with a kind word. You are, as they say in that commercial, priceless. I’m so glad you are part of this playground.
YIKES! And Good Morning America only yesterday suggested that brides go to grocery stores to get a great deal on their wedding cakes! Have they never visited this site before?!?!
http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/couple-saves-big-bucks-wedding-cake-local-supermarket-110451381--abc-news-topstories.html
But how does it taste?
You just know the idea for this cake comes from some high-ranking suit back at Publix headquarters-- someone with more clout than brains and more job security than the pope. Our doddering executive's proposal was met with stunned silence, followed by polite coughing and attempts at persuasion. Perhaps a different color, suggests the Junior Financial Officer. Need it be quite so lumpy? queries the Executive In Charge of Advertising.
Enough! cries the man with the cinnamon candy creme cake plan. This is a brilliant idea! We're going to sell a billion trillion units of the CCCC, see? And if I hear one more word about changing it, you're all fired!
And so the Cinnamon Candy Creme Cake Kit is manufactured and shipped to Publix bakeries across the nation, and the bakers have no choice but to use it. They all know what it looks like. They've made a game of guessing how various customers will react to it. For every cry of shock and dismay, and every picture snapped of the Cinnamon Rectal Polyp Cake, there's a baker hiding behind the counter, laughing her bundt off.
Except probably not the salad because nothing could be that bad. Am I right?
Smallpox cake?
Wow. I agree, Publix has rarely brought it to the wreck game. (Excellent wedding cake for me.) That is horrid. I wonder if your post might actually bring it to their attention and encourage discontinuing that blemish. Of course, people will buy it. (We have moved from Alabama to Boston area, and they don't have Publix here, so I am having grocery store exploring adventures.)
Wow. Just...Ewww. Sharyn, as always, you managed to hit it on the nailhead the first time out. That cake does indeed need clearasil. I kept expecting some of them to have white centers. John, this cake is infectious. I hope you didn't get too close.
Yay! My cake finally made it on the site! Fame, Glory, and yep still a little nausea.
The thing about the 0g of transfats, is that the last I heard, the recommended maximum per day is 2 grams and anything under 1/2 gram can be reported as 0. They ought to do transfats in milligrams. It worked for scaring people away from cholesterol, after all.
I dislike buying desserts from grocery stores anyway, due to my snobby attitude towards food additives. I just don't understand why they couldn't make it a cinnamon swirl creme cake, and use real cinnamon, instead of producing these red horrors.
Cheaper, you say? Not if you don't sell any of the pustule cakes.
I used to belong to Club Pub (aka be an employee). Their cakes are usually really really good and they pride themselves on their professionalism.They seriously dropped the pustule on this one.
Is it just me or did anyone else read the "0 grams" as "Orgasms" the first time they looked at the picture?
Just me?
Sorry!
Huh. After yesterday, I didn't think you could find any cakes that could be any grosser than all the poop stylings. Color me impressed. Or disgusted. Maybe both.
That first looks like what bowel cancer would look like if it had measles. EEEEEEEeeEEEeeeeeEeeWwwwWWWWwwwwWWWwwWWWwwwWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I live in Utah and Publix is one of the things I miss from Florida! BUT WHAT THE STD ON CAKE?! EW!
OH PUBLIX. Where shopping is a dermatology education. *hurls* *runs off to nearest publix to see if this is true*
Dear god what IS that thing?
First Envelope Man with Smurf measles, now this. It's like a sign, or something.
Hard candies on a cake? What's next -- marble cake with real marbles? Does Publix have an in-store dentist, by chance?
Maybe this wouldn't look so pustule-ential if the candies were inside the cake. The first person to find one has to recite the Declaration of Independence. In Klingon. Wait, that's not it... I know the first person has to do something. The first person has to make next year's cake, making sure not to deep-fry it. Yeah, that's it.
This came along at just the right time -- there haven't been many wreck doubters lately, so Theardare has been struggling with boredom. One can only chase a laser pointer for so long at a time, you know.
I always loved Publix and counted on them for birthday cakes and the like when we lived near one, but seriously, pustule, pustule, pustule. Ick!!! I agree that whoever came up with this idea probably is not even involved in cake-making in any way, shape, or form.
Ok... it may look like nastiness in a picture. But it is Delicious!!!!
You guys have no idea.
I work at Publix, and even the associates didn't want to put this on the floor to sell. I follow cake wrecks, because I assume that if my cakes don't end up on here, I'm doing well as a cake decorator. Or at least not awful. My manager and I don't often agree, but we did agree that this cake steals a piece of your soul every time you look at it. And yes, all of them pretty much look like that.
And it tastes awful. Just fyi.
Oh, and we've never sold a single one. Yet, corporate keeps 'charting' them to us. Yippee.
I think at this point they're just trying to get rid of them...
God speed to anyone who is brave enough to actually put money toward one of the herpes cakes.
Despite this caketastrophe, I still love Publix and their bakery. As long as they keep making their raspberry elegance cakes.
Mm. That's an idea from some idiot in an office, not from the fine folks that actually *WORK* in the bakery, thanks.
Perfect pink pustules of party perfection...
I love this site, and I LOVE the song parodies [pure genius!]
I am also an ex-employee of Publix and the cakes were always wonderful, but this...EW! Maybe if they put the candies inside the cake it wouldn't be so bad, but yeah...this...nastiness....needs to go!
This is the first time the shame is directed at the intended. Why don't you always give the origin of the other wrecks? Maybe it would work you out of business as wreck reporters. Is there some liability involved in truth telling?
But then, we would miss some incredibly funny commentary.
[Editor's note- Great question, Norine. Actually, we've never called out a baker unless the baker specifically asked to be credited. The difference here is that finding a wreck at Publix is about the rarest thing ever. Think of it this way: you wouldn't make fun of the D student in high school for doing poorly on a test. But when the valedictorian bombs a test, you assume she can handle a little gentle joshing. Hope that helps. -john]
One look at this and the following thoughts flew through my brain: Eeew! That looks like the colon scoping shown live on morning TV a while back! That was followed closely by (and I am embarrassed about this) the combination of misreading "Pubix" and "orgasm" and the disease pustules on a lifelike pink cake. Lastly, a dim memory of the color of raw calf liver. OK, I'm grossed out completely. One question: Who BUYS this?
I shop at Publix and I have often cruised through the bakery hoping to find some horror that I could submit to CW. I have never seen anything worthy, and now I know why. I need to start shopping at a more substandard grocery store. (This abomination is a never-to-be-repeated lapse, I'm sure.)
Looks like a cervix with a raging case of HPV.
Dear Corner-Office Person,
Cinnamon candy (like the baking chips) in a cake - not a bad idea. Red candy and glaze on a cake -very, very baaaaad idea.
Yours,
Terrified former-cake buyer who is now stocking up on green veggies.
I work at publix as a decorator. We get to try all the new product and this cake is totally nasty. I sampled them to the customers and I didn't get one person that liked it... bad choice publix.
My parents always got birthday cakes for my brother and me @ publix and one time the cake decorator gave the ballerina on the cake a really wonky nose and i cried b/c i was sensitive about the slight bump on my half-jewish nose tbh and my dad tried to perform rhinoplasty on it and he just made it worse tbh.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I work for the grand PUB and lemme tell ya, that is the single most disgusting cake ever! I am all for getting creative with food, but this one scares the bejesus out of me, and given that i live in georgia, there is not a whole lot of bejesus to be had. Jen, it should be noted here that your books have been used for training purposes for decorators (myself included) ......a giant debt of gratitude to you and your wreck reporters :) Wreck on!
@ Craig: The one who finds the candy inside gets to have a colonoscopy. Then, next year he provides the colonoscopy report in visual cake form complete with a candy inside for the next person to carry on the tradition. Please do not mock the Polyp Cake. It is a very useful tool in getting people to think about their colon health and also to stop eating, well, pretty much anything at all for a short Polyp Cake Nausea Enduced Fast.
Hmm, store should be named Pubix.
I had to do a double take the other day and make sure I was seeing correctly. Really Publix?! Realllly?! Ewwwwwwww
You can do better than Publix... all of their desserts are baked in lakeland (with a ton of chemical ingredients) and the frozen. Shipped frozen to your local publix bakery where they take it from there.