7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake
May 7, 2012 And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:
7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake
7. Anything that looks like a spleen
;)
Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.
6. Shrimp
;)
Because shrimp.
5. Nipples
;)
Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.
4. Ants
Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.
3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds
;)
Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?
So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!
2. Mold
;)
BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
1. Back hair
;)
Actually, this is kind of hilarious.
Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.
***
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.
Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.
Reader Comments (111)
Shrimp. I was unprepared.
Unintentional spit take
is unfortunate.
7. I plan to use "organesque" at least three times in normal conversation today. I suggest everyone do the same.
6. "If we call it 'Tarta Langostinos Grande,' maybe the Americans won't notice the shrimp..."
5. Ruffly Pants Nipple Guy should get his belly button checked. While at the doctor's office, he
should us "organesque" at least three times.
4. I know it's not good, but when it comes to cake, giant plastic ants are better than Langostino Jumbo.
3. Nope, it's just Chuck Testa
2. OOH, OOH! I have this one in my fridge. All I need to do is add some curling ribbon.
1. What the hell is my husband doing on Tammy's cake. He's got some 'splain' to do.
My comment was rather organesque today, don't you think?
First pic looks like raw chicken covered in barbeque sauce.
Sung to “White Rabbit” (aka “Go Ask Alice”)
One cake makes you nauseous
One cake curls you in a ball
Cause bait and organs on cake don’t make sense at all
Wreckerators
Yes, they made them all
And the pasty human torso
With blue goat chaps from the mall
Isn’t something you would order at the bakery when you call
Wreckerators
They aim to appall
Why would anyone want dung balls
With ants scurrying to and fro?
I’m not eating cake with feathers
Don’t you know where peacocks go?
Wreckerators
Are pretty slow
Forget logic and decorum
Let’s try moldy cake instead
Hirsute back cake isn’t yummy
No, it just fills you with dread
“All Sales Final” is what the bakery said
Pie instead
Pie instead
Hairy back Tammy
trims shoulders, makes own toupee.
Hey, it works for me!
Thanks Jen, for helping me stick to my diet today.
shrimp.
back hair
mold.
ewwwww
The ant one is the worst. I can't help but look at the brown lumps they're crawling on in a certain way. I'd seriously rather take my chances with the shrimp. :P
Please tell me that the shrimps are on a sandwich made to look like a cake. I love shrimps, but not for dessert.
Actually #6 is not a cake. I[I do agree that shrimp should not be on a cake, though.]
f you read the ingredients & translate, it is some kind of appetizer that does not include cake, and those are real shrimp. In the background you can also see shredded cheese in a container, which normally isn't displayed alongside cakes.
Please tell me that those are not real shrimp on cake #2. Please?? Or real spleen on cake #1 for that matter.
And I really wish that the mold wasn't real, but I'm fairly sure that it is. Blech!
I don't know which is worse, the chocolate shavings (I hope) back hair or what appears to be a spray painted happy trail on the nipple cake.
Holy Crap! Shrimp?! I... just can't even wrap my brain around it. Shrimp. (gack, hurl, gack)
Poor Tammy!
The nipples on the nipple cake don't bother me as much as whatever is going on a little lower on the cake. I think it's supposed to be a belly button, but why such a dark color? Ew!
6. Did anybody else notice on the shrimp cake that it has on its list of ingredients, "salsa"? I don't think this baker has grasped the concept of dessert. Or food-borne diseases.
5. One? You ARE a broken toy, aren't you?
1. Those are chocolate shavings. Feel better now?
I'm of the opinion that the organesque cake is a liver, not a spleen, but then - either is just as bad. Love the newly minted word.
The ants give me the creeps - because they are ants.. and I won't mention what they're crawling all over. Ugh.. just ... ugh.
You had me at mold. *blink**blink* Nooo, don't blink! *ah.. wrong thread*... See - you totally tossed me over into an alternate reality where I did NOT see that.
Thank you for helping me with my diet. Constantly.
The shrimp cake is not a real cake. I believe the base is a potato salad type thing. I think it may be a spanish dish. So, not a real cake wreck.
Also, no one's ever heard of chocolate covered ants?
I wonder why anyone would want a cake showing Bill Dauterive from the back? At least that is how I think his back view would look, though I really don't want to imagine it too much...
(Bill Dauterive - King of the Hill character)
Ok, I guess I am missing the mold....it looks like crushed up chocolate cookies to me.... or maybe I am missing the joke entirely, & perhaps today's post refers back to an earlier one?
Cake with peacock feathers? Blech.
Cake #5 is just all kinds of wrong! The nipples are askew, the "belly button" looks questionable and if that is supposed to be a "sexy guy", why is he wearing frilly, poofy bloomers??!! Sad sad.
Gahhhh, D: but I think we've seen this before-that is an appetizer with shrimp made to look like cake not a sweet cake. Still, the other ones AAAACCKKK O_o
Yip, I'm agreeing with the above commentators and saying belly buttons / happy trails should ALSO never appear on cake.
@NewEngland, I suspect it just looks like mold. Or mould, as we say on this side of the pond. Point is, decoration on your cake should not look like it has been left in the back of a dark, damp cupboard for a fortnight before being packaged in plastic and put out for sale.
<Shudder>
Ah…simple miscommunications…
7…Well, it’s a little complicated, so let me ‘spleen what I want…
6…It’s for a party with small kids – you know, shrimps…
5…I goofed up, and now I want to make a clean breast of things….
4…It’s for her favorite aunts….
3…Gail and I are BFF’s…you know, birds of a feather…..
2…I want this to be really special, so could you use some kind of unique mold….*
1…He’s out of the service, and Tammy’s just so glad Harry’s back…!
*like the Pan-Wow or the Pan-Tastic…
One nipple? ONE? Whose is it?
Ooh, could you put up a link to the Tom Selleck cake, for those who want a front view (though the number of takers may be low...)
In light of #6, here are a few more items you could add to the list.
10. Mashed potatoes and lamb stew
[Edit: Yes, yes, we know it's called "shepherd's pie," but dangit, if it looks kinda sorta like cake, we're gonna call it cake, capisce?] Ewe!
9. Crab cakes
I saw these at a buffet and I freaked out, because dude, seriously, crab meat and shallots on a cake? That's not a good dessert! lol
8. Urinal cakes
These are actually okay if you get them fresh, but you won't believe how most people serve them.
Also to be fair to #6 there is also whiskey in the cake so maybe eating enough of it you won't notice the shrimp... but it's not an actual "cake" think I saw salsa in the ingrident list to. Maybe they hope that the lemon will act as a preservative... something does smell fishy here....
um... ants.. & back hair are just too gross for words even if those ants are plastic.
Off topic, sorry!
@Barbara Anne: About a week ago you requested a cake wrecked version of Eminem's "Lose Yourself." Unfortunately, new comments for that day are blocked -- nuff said -- and I finished it this morning, so here it is, just for you:
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To frost everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it, just grab a shell tip?
Fro.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
The cake’s a disaster already, looks like mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, and on its surface it looks like he dropped dung bombs
But he keeps on forgetting the order he wrote down
Are sperm balloons allowed?
He squeezes the bag, buttercream come gushing out
He’s choking now, everyone is joking how
The time’s run out, time’s up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh here comes the family
“That’s ‘sposed to be a Rabbit,” they choked
Mom’s so mad, but she won’t give up that
Easy, no
She won’t have it, an awful cake wreck of this scope
“Yes, it matters, you dope.”
He knows that, but the cake’s broke
Cake decorating throes
Then he goes back to his bakery home, that’s when it’s
Back to cake slabs again, fro
This one’s raspberry
He better slap on some fondant and hope it don’t crack again.
You better lose yourself in the fondant, the moment
You roll it, you put it on just so
You only get one shot, do not miss as you let it go
This opportunity comes once in a cake’s time so
(Do better)
I can't even imagine what Sunshine Mary has to say about all of these...
Let me make sure I understood your commentary correctly.... you only have *one* nipple? That's not really something I needed to know.... =)
I want a spleen cake for my birthday.
Number 6 is not a cake. It’s a savory Spanish dish served during the annual Fiesta de la Fishies.
It is not a dessert! It is usually served before dinner. At that point, the guests make an excuse to leave thus sparing the host and hostess the work involved in serving dinner. No dessert is necessary.
It is not a cake.
@Sharyn XD XD XD
7. Why would anyone want to serve a jelly doughnut inside out? That's just rude.
6. The ingredients include shrimp, cocktail sauce (with whiskey! so it's a tipsy shrimp cake?), wheat flour, eggs, sugar, mayonnaise, leavening (yeast? baking powder?), lemon, water, sunflower oil, salt, and a bunch of preservatives, although why ANYONE would want to preserve such a thing is beyond me. So, with flour, eggs, and sugar, there is definitely cake in there. eep. Maybe they HAD to get the shrimp drunk before they would consent to participate in this crustaceotastrophe.
5. Maybe it's a tooth cake for a dental convention… those spots are cavities, and the fluffly blue stuff is the toothpaste foaming up to attack them? No? Can I just tell myself that it is? Please?
4. What IS the primary purpose of the existence of large plastic ants? Exterminator service commercials? Toys for entomologists' children? Surely not baked good (or bad) adornment!
3. Would actual feathers plucked from imposter birds be better? Or fake feathers plucked from actual birds? Hmmm, that would mean elderly birds were getting implants. Or extensions. I don't think I want to go there.
2. $24.97 worth of ewww.
1. I don't think Tammy is going to be motivated to hurry back with a cake like that. Sort of passive aggressive, huh?
Such a target-rich environment.
Personally, #7, well, spleen wasn't what came to my mind.
One...only one, John?
I've gotta stop!!!
At the risk of continuing an Epcot moment, I have to respectfully disagree with previous optimistic commenters. Unfortunately the shrimp cake IS cake. Tarta Langostinos Grandes = Jumbo Shrimp Cake. Salsa just means "sauce" and I can't make out the word following it to say what kind of sauce. The ingredients include flour, eggs, sugar (cake ingredients) as well as vinegar and mayonnaise (not cake ingredients) lemon & salt are a tossup. I know you really want it to not actually be cake, but it is. A very, very bad cake with incredibly unfortunate ingredients.
Also, nipple man has a pubic treasure trail. (gag)
Sorry to have to be the bearer of so much bad news.
@SuBee -- good work!
@Sharyn -- 2 in 1 day???? And you take requests??? Too awesome, ma'am, too awesome!
@Haiku Joy -- you consistanly make me smile...
@Naomi -- I wanted to make a comment about how all the urinal cakes I've seen on display are usually covered with a watery yellow sauce...but I won't....nice job!
Mel, I always enjoy your posts, but this one is more organesque than usual!
OMG - Sharyn!!!! That was EPIC!! I bow to your song parody greatness! I "sing" that song at karaoke (and, yes, I am a 41yr-old white girl) - I am SO tempted to do your version next time! LOVED it!!
Jen- "nipples" had me in quite a giggle fit. Funny how the shrimp didn't faze me like everyone else. Hmm....
I actually thought that the ... er ... decoration on Cake #1 was meant to be a butterflied roast chicken. Maybe my imagination is in overdrive.
@DJD -- Ah, but these are ant-covered chocolates! Quite another thing entirely!
111 First impression: Sandra Lee opened a bakery, which has to be one of the signs of the Apocalypse. It's cool how the organesque interpretation is helped by the blue and red squiggles in the lower left looking like the ends of a vein and artery, respectively.
110 Langostinos are not true shrimp, although the term may be used in South America to refer to red shrimp. Given the language, the point may be moot, but those don't appear to be shrimp. It does look like a potato salad base and it does seem to be in the deli section. I just hope it is colder than it looks.
101 I could just about make a case for a bleached version of Gossamer.
100 This picture should have been taken later, after the ants finished their work.
011 Maybe it's a gag cake. Congrats, Grail!
010 The spots are just cookie crumbs. Right. So what are the ribbons -- pink chocolate shavings?
001 ...Which segues neatly into this, in a totally unplanned sort of way. Please tell me the message is a play on words and not a nickname.
@Craig - Gossamer! That would be the ultimate cake! Oooo, I want to see a Sunday Sweet of Gossamer getting his nails done by Bugs.
That first looks like a cake with an apple pie filling on it, apple strawberry. The most unappetizing thing about that one are the squiggles.
Personally, I find the happy trail more bothersome than the nipples. Who thought to take the time to include that.
I believe that's Epcot shrimp, if I'm not mistaken. You can tell by the font.
Tarta de Langostinos is a thing. It's not a cake in the way we think of a bakery cake, like sweet and for dessert. It's a cold appetizer.
By the by, having flour, eggs, and sugar in something does not make it a cake. It doesn't even necessarily make it sweet or a "baked good". If those are your three primary ingredients, good chance it's a sweet baked thing, but not necessarily. Crackers can have all three, and I can't imagine anyone thinking crackers and shrimp would be weird. Ditto flat bread.
Just Google tarta de langostinos. It's a thing.
I seriously want to know where they got the giant ants. Because I want some.
This is a different version of that Shrimp Torte:
http://flavoursmagazine.ca/2011/12/lax-och-raktarta-salmon-and-shrimp-torte/
It is actually an appetizer and is very popular in South America, so I understand.
Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir?? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
those poor cakes were just a waste. but if not then who ate it?
Nipples? seriously
Very creeeeeeepy.