Flakes Welcome
May 31, 2012 "Hi, I'd like a cake, please, and could you put a 'happy birthday' plaque on it?"
;)
"No, no, I mean one of those plastic things on a spike - you know, a 'happy birthday' pick?"
;)
"Maybe we should start over."
"Could you write, 'Over the Hill' or 'Officially OLD' or something like that? This is for my husband, so it's ok if it's borderline rude."*
;)
"What the...? What is WRONG with you people? Look, my husband usually gets pie for his birthday, so I promised him that THIS year he'd get a REAL birthday cake..."
;)
"I WASN'T FINISHED."
"But wow, you guys are fast."
[rubbing temples] "Look, I give up. Could you just give me a cake - any cake? No writing. Just grab one out of the case and hand it to me. Please."
"Which one? Oh, I don't care...how about the one with the chocolate flakes on it? Yes, that one. Yes, the flake. Thank you."
;)
Oh, like you didn't see THAT coming.
*Actual dialogue Angela R. used while ordering this cake.
Thanks to Molly S., Savannah W., Angela R., Beth, Lisa H., for always taking things so literally.
Reader Comments (43)
Thank you again, CW, for making my morning and allowing me to start my day with a smile on my face. Wow, this stuff just totally amazes me.
Real Actual Comment
unter neat tat
on a cake :D
Are you sure the last one isn't autobiographical?
I hug Angela.
Trauma from Wreckorators
causes much *headdesk*
Wow my brain hurts after this! The fact that these people continue to be found so frequently in the baking industry gives me food for thought - I have absolutely NO qualifications for making cakes but I DID major in Writing in college and could help these people out! Right? I could, right? Nope, you're right, they are beyond even professional help. Perhaps shock therapy?
Obviously, these Wreckorators attended my dad's "School of Bloody Literal-Mindedness" , where students are taught to do exactly what is said... Like the time when I, riding in the car with him and navigating, said, "Turn right here," meaning "at the corner"; he turned right THERE, into a field! Said it was to teach me to be precise in what I said. It worked.
Good to know his disciples still roam free, carrying on his fine tradition.
I would be suspicious if someone gave me a cake marked "Real Birthday Cake." I'd cut a corner piece, expecting to discover it was made of Styrofoam. Nope, it's an actual cake. Give it a sniff and a little taste... seems all right. I guess it is a real birthday cake. I'd dig in, enjoying every bite. Just as I'm about to scoop the last bit of frosting off of my plate, my friend would run in.
"Naomi! It's not your birthday! In fact, nobody you know has a birthday this month!"
"NOOOOOOO!"
...As we all "know", nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a chunk of plastic with piped frosting letters on it perched above a bunch of slimy strawberries slowly drowning in their own strawberry blood...
(blinkblink)
Sung to "The Candyman"
Who can take a nice cake, wreck it through and through
Write the word "plaque" on it and forget the sprinkles, too
The Bakeryman, the Bakeryman can
The Bakeryman can 'cause he messes orders up and wrecks the
Birthday mood
"Can't you use your brain though?" I say with a sigh
"Who can write the word "pick" when there's flotsam standing by?"
The Bakeryman, the Bakeryman can
The Bakeryman can 'cause he likes to screw things up to wreck the
Birthday food
The Bakeryman makes everything he bakes literal -- he's so officious
I had very simple wishes, I think he might just
Be vicious
Can't wait 'til tomorrow, think I'm gonna scream
Who can take a piping bag and end a birthday dream
The Bakeryman, the Bakeryman can
The Bakery man can 'cause he messed my order up, I'm feeling
Borderline rude
The Bakeryman makes everything he bakes literal -- he's so officious
"Real birthday cake" just feels malicious, and the cake is not
Delicious
Who can cause such sorrow, just with buttercream
Who can pipe out "Flake" with eyes that show a nasty gleam
The Bakeryman, the Bakeryman can
The Bakeryman can 'cause he doesn't want to make my husband's
Birthday good
The Bakeryman, the Bakeryman can...
WOW. Just...wow.
"Happy Birthday Pick" Still LMAO!!
Honestly, you never run out of material, do you?
I think it was nice to have a birthday cake for little P'La Que although I'm not sure huge glazed strawberries with a piece of plastic stuck on them was what she really wanted. And the real wreck was the missing apostrophe in P'La Que's name. Bakers usually get the random capitalization correct, but always forget that apostrophe.
Bwahaha, some people should not be allowed to work at anything requiring literacy :D
Ooh, Flake! Seriously, just give me the Flake and keep the cake! I have a friend in the UK who brings me several bars of Cadbury Flake when she comes to visit.
The first cake is a celebratory cake given by the ADA (Anti-Dental Association), a little-known organization that promotes dental decay, to those who refuse to brush their teeth for a year, thus allowing the successful colonization of bacteria. The apples, seen here trapped in the brown decay, represent the futile attempts of plaque prevention (often referred to as just PP) typically characterized by the old adage “an apple a day keeps the DDS away….” One of the cable channels recently had a biographical film about plaque, entitled “Plaque: The Biofilm”…..
The second cake is for “Pick,” a character in Shakespeare’s unfinished play, “Mid-Summer’s Nightmare,” which was to be a comedic companion piece to “A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream.” It was about a baker who had difficulty decorating cakes correctly, thus causing nightmares amongst all his customers. According to recently found documents, Shakespeare abandoned the play because he felt no one would ever think that incorrectly done cakes would be funny. On an interesting side note, the subtitle of the play was “Thee Tayle of A Baker Who Createth Only Wrecked Cakes.”
The next cake is a clear case of total misunderstanding: this cake was for a dress designer and what was asked for was borderline ruche… The requester, but not the cake, was ruffled….
The fourth cake is just pure clarification: for those who were wondering what this is, well, now you know…(this also helps distinguish this cake from the thousands of non-real birthday cakes that have flooded the market.)
And finally, a cake signed by its decorator….
@Sharyn: spp
Today, we honor
he who keeps dentists busy.
Happy birthday, Plaque!
Are these from the Amelia Bedelia bakery?
I bet you did really well in school when you had to make up an entire story using a series of words that the teacher gave you :) You keep me in stitches!!
#1 Mmm. Shiny. At least the berries are fresh -- or incredibly well-preserved. A wreckorator knows how to spell 'plaque'? As if. I suspect a set-up here.
#2 Let me check the 'redeeming factor' quotient... Yes, it's officially zero.
Never gonna pick you up,
Never gonna wolf you down,
Never gonna run to the store and dessert you.
Was the wreckorator high?
Never gonna say, 'good buy!'
There's no way I'm gonna try,
So 'fern you'.
#3 Perhaps wreckorators are trained to go with the last thing said by a seemingly indecisive customer. Which makes me wonder why more cakes don't need to have certain words pixellated or otherwise obscured.
#4 "Ok, the first cake was really a smorgastarta. And the second one, with the water balloon inside? Well, I'm kinda sorry about that. But you gotta admit, it was funny. For the rest of us, anyway. But this one...trust me."
#5 I like it when someone has enough confidence in their work to sign it.
Love the Literal LOLs and, Jen, you are superb at what you do! I will have a smile and an occasional giggle all day. Thank you!
Mel & Sharyn - great work, too!
@Mel, I spent way too much time trying to figure out why a baker would need three (3) tails to wreck a cake. Obviously, I should be hired by a bakery to decorate some of theirs.
Anyway, happy cakes to you and to Sharon and Haiku Joy. Great jealousy seethes within me at your daily offerings.
I think that's paprika on the second cake. As for the "Pick", you'll be pick-ing shards of plastic out of your teeth if you try to eat one of those balloons. Yeah, Happy Birthday.
I think that Borderline Rude would make an AWESOME band name.
...and on the plaque er...cake pie thing....are those berries or are those apples?
OMG! Did I miss Plaque and Pick's birthday again! Sorry, you two. You really are my favorite twins. I hope you had a good one!
If someone gave me a Borderline Rude cake, I would say "Borderline?" You think my rudeness is only borderline? THANK YOU!
I, like Craig, am in awe of the fact that someone who can't figure out that the requester wanted a birthday sign on a cake, but can correctly spell the word "plaque". Really? I mean, REALLY?!?! (with Seth and Amy).
I think I have and explanation (but not an excuse!) for the last cake.
The random bits of chocolate look as though someone crumbled up one small Cadbury Flake bar to "decorate" the whole cake and piped the logo without checking to see what it really looks like. http://www.flickr.com/photos/yum9me/2176232531/ If you are really bored check out the cheesy ads on youtube. "Only the crumbliest, tastiest, chocolate. Tastes like chocolate never tasted before" (generally stale in my experience).
As for the others....
I want a cake that says "borderline rude" for my birthday. I agree with Isabella, that would make an awesome band name!
The flake one actually makes sense because the candy bar on top is called Flake, It's sold in the UK.
here's a link http://www.sogoodblog.com/2008/11/25/eaten-last-week-aero-flake-smarties/
Now I know what line of work Amelia Bedelia went into after housekeeping...
@mel -- Great Job! I'm glad you brought in the ADS -- I tried SO hard to fit gingivitis into my song and just couldn't do it. Also, I appreciate the Shakespearean clarification -- I thought it was from A Mid-summer Afternoon's Brain Fart.
@Craig -- Woo Hoo! I'd forgotten about Rick Astley. That fit perfectly.
@Haiku Joy -- How's school?
I think the last cake may be for the keyboadist in Rammstein. His name is Flake...
Is there actually cake under the "Flake"? It just looks like ganache with mulch signed by the artist.
@ GrnEyes6: love your haiku.
Seriously, guys, you all are making my People-I-Love-On-The-Internet-But-Am-Totally-Not-Stalking list longer and longer. I LOVE YOU MAN! whoops. Musta had a little too much of yesterday's beer cakes. :-)
I can't stop thinking Plague Cake .. a plague of wreckerators upon your customers, both of them.
*static*
We are at DOC CON Two. Repeat, we are at DOC CON Two. This is not a drill. Release the Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys. Prepare transport planes Alpha and Beta for nighttime drops of the Ninja Corps.
*static*
Hey, anyone seen Theardare??
@BADKarma that was AWESOME
@mel you need to just tattoo this on one arm "Barbara Anne loves you in a non-celery type of way."
In Central FL we can get Flake bars in some stores- and I love them! What a friggin’ mess, though.
I have the runs. I nearly pooped my pants laugthing over your commentary mostly. I know, TMI lol
After a day of dealing with the public asking really obvious questions ("Can I ask you a question to which the answer is in big, bold letters right in front of me?"), I needed these literal LOLs. Thank you, wreckerators! Keep on taking 'em literally!
I had an incredibly bad day at work today, so thank you guys for this. The LOLs will keep me going.
I thought Theardare would be in the bunker, room 101. Perhaps he is out bakery hopping... You know holding people at gunpoint in order to get the wrecks sold and out the doors quick like!
I would take the borderline rude cake. Then I would eat it and not share it with anyone lol. Well it is a rude cake so why not be rude with it? I thought that first cake had apples on it until people pointed out those are strawberries..very big strawberries. Sad hear I thought it was a nice apple cake lol.
YES! We've all just gotten Rick-rolled by Craig! Thanks for that! ♥
Last I heard, Theardare was 'helping' someone who imagined they had seen a cake that wasn't a wreck on a weekday.
He asked me for the words to 'Copacabana', but I have worked hard over the years at not memorizing that song and thus could recall only the chorus. Perhaps even that was enough to...you know.
Sometimes, he reads the songs as if they were poetry</I>. Like Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, as over-played by William Shatner. Aaaaugghhh! Sorry -- I just had the most terrible mental image, there, complete with soundtrack. It was like being back in...in that...room. But I'm ok, now. Really. No PTSD for me. I'm right as rain. (Walks away, singing quietly, "Under the spreading chestnut tree...")
Not to defend the first cake, but the presence of the plastic may actually be explained by company policy. At the grocery store that I work out, there was actually a memo that went out stating that when the garnish prevents a decorator from writing on the cake, he or she should take (completely unsanitary and non-food grade) ribbon from the floral department to write the message on. As to what is written on the plastic...I don't know.
Hey!! They spelled Plaque correctly on that first cake!! Right? That's something, right?