Wrecky Replay: To The Pain
April 9, 2012 These cakes have been left to wallow in their freakish misery forever, but we viewers are the ones who really suffer for it.
For example, tell me you don't get a brain-ache from trying to comprehend...
;)
The cycloptic smiley clover of despair!!
;)
You know what every caramel cheesecake needs?
;)
Pretty much anything but large poo-swirls topped with plastic mold-specked hot dogs and hamburgers, that's what. Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the little surfing 'dog on the left:
;)
C'mon, a mini hot dog riding a poo wave? What's not to love?
And lastly, check out what Amy S. got for her rehearsal dinner when she requested a simple sheet cake with a logo on it:
;)
I don't know what that is either, Amy, but I hear the chocolate coating helps it go down easier.
Moira & Stephanie E., these cakes are inconceivable.
Reader Comments (56)
Hey guys,
Finally home after another 13 hour drive. 3am. So... sleepy...
But we have some fun new stuff tomorrow. Thanks for being awesome! -john (the hubby of Jen)
Cyclops of Despair
wears the Spring Bonnet of Shame.
What's death perception?
Who wouldn't recognize dark chocolate brown satin sheets on a cake?!...I think I would have gone with a different logo, though. Maybe something in Mary Kay pink....
A $#!* cake rather than a sheet cake. Maybe someone who relayed the order has a bad accent?
Love the PB references. My husband doesn't allow me to watch that in his presence anymore. I know it all by heart... including sounds and pauses. He once was flipping through channels as I was taking something to the kitchen. I didn't see the TV and he flipped the channel as soon as he realized what it was and watched for me as he changed the channel. There was no talking, simply the 3 seconds of the sound of the albino patting Westley's wounds in the Pit of Dispaaair. I walked back into the room after he changed the channel and asked if that was the Princess Bride. He just about lost it when i could tell him the moment of the film correctly.
It was a LONG, HOT summer after the 8th grade, okay... no judging.
Maybe I've been on my low-carb diet too long, but the last cake looks choc-o-luscios to me. Where are my meds?
The bakery wrapped Amy's cake up in a brown sheet and put a logo on it.
It's just what she asked for.
Amy committed one of the classic blunders: Never order a *sheet* cake from a baker with an accent.
@Haiku Joy: Brilliant. I especially love "death perception."
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You built a crappy plastic hot dog/hamburger cake. Prepare to die.
The only explanation I can think of for the last one is it was supposed to be another customer's cake, but they botched it so badly, they couldn't give it to them. Then, not wanting to waste such a wonderful work of confectionery beauty, they pawned it off on Amy. And maybe the cyclops cake is supposed to be Mike from "Monsters Inc" surrounded by pretty flowers and random ladybugs :-)
"I do not think that cake represents what you think it represents."
Victory Junction Gang is the Nascar charity, those are old tires on that cake.
The top one has to be "Seymours hungry sister."
Bwahaha@epcot lover seriously, what is the logic behind these cakes??
But, none of these cakes have ears. Not even the doll on the pool party cake.
Come to think of it, these aren't really cakes so much as frosting delivery systems.
"Happy BIRTHDAY, dear CyclopsFlower,
Happy birthday to you!"
I kind of agree with Kathryn about the chocolate wrapped cake. I was at a bakery in Cleveland recently and they specialized in a small cake that sort of looked like that--a cake wrapped (enrobed?) in dark chocolate. Looks good to me! However, it is certainly not a sheet cake, except in the sense that Sharyn hilariously suggested.
It's too bad that chocolate is the same color as, er, something you may not want to eat but it would take a lot to turn me off from eating a cake that's wrapped in dark chocolate. So my question to Amy would be, OK, you didn't get what you expected, but did it taste good? Mmmm, chocolate.
@Naomi- that's all a cake ever is to me: frosting delivery system. If I was told I could never eat cake again I'd grab the doctor by the lapels and scream, "but what about frosting?" If frosting was still on the menu then we'd be all good. ;)
the writing on the first one is kind of pretty but I was wondering why the lady bug had a yellow head and then I saw it's also a cyclops! FTW
Since we are reprising today, which is always fun, I’d like to point out that the “caramel cheesecake” is actually a prize-winning entry from the professional organization United Professional Cakers Hosting Unusual Cake Kaka (U.P.C.H.U.C.K.), which made its first appearance here last August. (That group itself was formerly associated with the organization People Using Really Gross Examples (P.U.R.G.E.), as pointed out by Sharyn at that time.) This award winning cake features the theme “Summer Kaka” and in its own metaphysical way, thru the careful, yet symbolic use of “buns” reveals the oft-overlooked connection between, hot dogs and hamburgers (summer food), buns, and kaka. By the well-thought out juxtaposition of the food on top and the kaka on the bottom, U.P.C.H.U.C.K. has linearly, yet abstractly, demonstrated the process of “food-in and food-out.” It is here that we see the importance of buns…both as initial holders of the food, and later as the exit point…. Yes, it is easy to see why this cake won the coveted Brown Ribbon, for it is a brilliant metaphor, yet one that is so easy to see – it’s alimentary…..
dear god what is that thing?
Me: Okay, Jen and John(thoJ), where are you driving for 13 hours all the time?
Jen&John(thoJ): No where of consequence.
Me: I must know!
Jen&John(thoJ): Get used to disappointment.
Me: 'kay.
First thing I thought of when I saw cake #1 was the Minions from "Despicable Me"...Some had 2 eyes, but others had one. Maybe it was a Minion cake for a girly-girl who likes pink and flowers and lady-bugs. And she's also obviously too young to understand the abomination that is the CCC....
@mel
Food-in and food-out (I'm calling it FIFO from now on) is a classic line, and I'm sure it will be foremost in my mind at the next meal of either a hot dog or a hamburger. Too bad the thought is not inconceivable!
Now I have to say that you took classic to a new level and made me choke on my fruit salad with, 'it's alimentary'. Hilarious!
I think you meant "incontheivable."
DEAR GOD, WHAT <I>IS</I> THAT THING!?!?!?!
Initially, I was referring to the first cake, but then I realized it applies equally to all of them...
I spent truly more time laughing at the comments than cakes. (can they be called actual cakes?)
But mel... I now bow to your sheer brilliance. LOL
Watch out! Patty has an arsenal of ping pong balls!
Clearly it is a radioactive cycloptic smiley clover of despair sent from the future to destroy mankind by causing a nuclear apoclypse that will give rise to his race of mutant flora. I'm not the only one who sees this right?
Wisdom from my student:
"We will grow up, wriggle up, and die. So do plants."
I'm pretty sure Patty is in the "wriggle up" stage.
Hot dog surfing on poo wave would be a great logo if the carrot jockey baby ever decides to retire.
Ladybug? I thought this was the first cake with a tic.
I stared into the eye and the eye stared back. Now I think my soul is missing.
Help.
wha...hot dogs and hamb..poo? And...huh? Poo surfing, plastic barbecue food just made my synapses disconnect...
Hot dog riding on a poo wave? Laughing so hard that I'm crying.
They defiled a cheesecake with poo piles and picnic picks?! There ought to be a law! DOC needs to be on the alert in case this ever happens again. What did that cheesecake do to anyone?
Some sweets are perfect and need no decoration. Have there ever been any pie wrecks? (Well, apart from that one dish that John (thoJ) thoughtfully provided...) No, I say! Are doughnuts subjected to this sort of mistreatment? Are we going to stand for this?!?!
Clearly, it is time for action. I propose that we code name this action 'Operation Dessert Storm'. Now all we have to do is fill in the details.
I don't even.. Do we sneak around that first cake and hope that it doesn't see us and turn us to stone? Lol. Words cannot express enough horror at that last cake. What is it supposed to be??? I will never know and my disappointment will last for decades.
@Craig: Thanks for reminding me of Ninja Donut (July 19, 2011). I think he's pure, chocolate-coated awesomeness, and he should be a DOC mascot. He can head our Cheesecake Purity Division.
@Craig I would say "lead on DOC ninja". but that might lessen the supply of inspiration for this site!! Couldn't do that now could we?!! I'd miss Jen and John(thoJ)'s wonderful mastery of puns; and how else would I fuel my "addiction" of laughs?!!! (I'd miss the great comments too-thanks you regulars!)
I like the poo swirls. lol
Michael
Move over Carrot Ridin' Baby! The Surfin' Hot Dog is HERE!!!!!!
That chocolatey wave adds a whole new meaning to "Wipe Out!"
That first one reminds me of the episode of Spongebob where Plankton disguised himself as a flower on Spongebob's bedsheets - remember that one?
@Craig
You must have missed the fetus-wearing-an-iPod pie. Kid you not. Try to have an empty stomach when you do a search for it.
Hi Jen & John,
I may be able to explain the top picture. I had a really hippy friend back in Ottawa who used a cyclops happy face as his own personal symbol. He'd have everything he owned for years marked with the face so that everyone would know it was his. That cake looks like it would be a perfect "flower power" hippy b-day cake for him. I do think they should have given the flower 5 petals though so it looks less like a pink clover, but hey, what can you do with bakers these days?
I dunno, the cyclops one is kind of cute. Looks like Mike Wazowski's cousin or a lil alien. I'd still eat all of these, I like frosting!
August 20, 2009 for anyone looking for the "pie" post.
Haiku Joy had me curious! Yuck sums it up.
I didn't have a dream about the merest thought of suggesting an end to all wrecks. Just decorated cheesecakes -- that's like redundant and stuff. DOC isn't about preventing wrecks. It's about not letting them remain as an affront to order and decency -- after we've all laughed ourselves silly on this mighty blog, of course. Wrecks are temporary, but pictures are forever. Heh. Heh heh.
And I forgot about Ninja Donut. That's 50 laps around the bunker for me. Still, decorated doughnuts are rare (right? please?). I mean, we're talking frosting on something that is already sweet and gooey and...[speed dials Krispy Kreme]
In like manner, I am sure the wreckiverse contains pies that ought not to be seen, @HJ. Thankfully, just not many.
Cakes = fair game. After all, we're talking frosting delivery. No matter what disgusting thing the frosting gets up to on the cake, it's still frosting. I think. I hope. As in, turn off lights / close eyes / chant "this isn't what it looks like; it's frosting" about 50 times and...Mmmm-OWW!-hack-cough -- what the foul filth?! I forgot to remove all the fouling flotsam, dang it to heck!
Loved the PB references but it took a while since I was trying to figure out what 'brain acne' was ... until I realised it was just my failing eyesight (too proud to go for reading glasses) and it was brain ache. I'd love to see a Cake Wreck representing Brain Acne, though. Perhaps that's why I keep forgetting things ... it's the brain acne.
Perhaps the baker was trying to pull a fast one on a competitor and was about to say, "I am not left-handed' - perhaps that's why they were so bad? Or perhaps he/she really TRIES to put out quality work, but just can't manage to be dainty. 'S not their fault they're the biggest and the strongest - they don't even exercise.
BTW - 'be nice and don't swear' is really pretty much a prescription for life, isn't it? 'Mum, Dad, what do I need to be successful in this big ol' world?' - 'Be nice and don't swear, son ... be nice and don't swear'.
I must say I kind of love the first one. it is just so cute in an inexplicable confusing way.
Oh wreckies, how I love thee! First I get a big ol laugh from John and Jen's post and then a second helping of snark when I read the comments. Inconceivable! Thanks so much for making me laugh so hard my stomach aches. And mel, I'll be keeping an eye out for U.P.C.H.U.C.K.'s next installment.
@Craig No disrespect was intended. Sorry for harshing on your mellow!
I make miniature cheesecakes (cupcake size) and they usually get topped with drizzled chocolate or your favorite pie filling!! So who am I to judge!
50 laps is too many...the bunker is huge!
I also agree with Sharyn, though. If we're gonna do it, he's the mascot for sure!!
@mel I love you in a non-stalker way and that made me laugh so very loud!!
@Craig If DOC is protecting cheesecakes, too, then we’re gonna need more ninjas. Might be time for a membership drive.
@Sharyn let’s hope Theardare doesn’t eat the Donut Ninja!! I do want to head the Donut Protection Division- “Join the DPD and wage a Holey war.”
@Ela I would have trusted Haiku Joy and not looked it up…but, since you took the time to get the actual date, I felt it necessary to look…”yuck” doesn’t start to cover it!! AUUUUGGGHHH